Accidentally poly, with baggage

S

StarGirl22

New member
Hello - I'm new here and would love advice and perspective. A few months ago I realized my relationship with my husband was going nowhere. After years of one-sided effort on my part, he showed no interest in improving communication, meeting any of my needs in any way, or being at all supportive of my interests, business or anything else in my life. (I should have left a long time ago but I was dumb, stubborn and convinced that I could cajole him into meeting my needs just enough to make it work, plus we have an 8 year old together.) So we're existing in this miserable state together when my friend (32f) asks to move in and stay with us, and offers badly needed help and support with my business. My friend is someone I love and have been attracted to for years, never sharing that with my husband (but never acting on it either). Husband says yes, and the next few weeks are domestic bliss - everything is absolutely perfect in the household, and my interactions with the husband are cordial - even friendly and amicable. I noticed the growing friendship between my friend and husband and I was totally fine with it. Most nights I went to bed and they'd stay up late talking. Then a few days ago my husband tells me he's realized he's not romantically attracted to me, although he still wants me in his life as a partner in other areas. He tells me he's in love with my friend, and she later tells me she loves him. I spill the beans to my husband at that point and say I'm also in love with my friend, who loves me back.

The problem is that I have so much anger for my husband's refusal to work on our relationship for years and his steadfast devotion to his own needs ahead of all else. I feel that if he wasn't romantically interested in me, he should have figured that out and been honest a while back, and we would have gone our separate ways. It could have potentially saved me years of pain. In the past, I asked for things like the freedom to sleep with other people because he refused to have sex with me. He said no at the time, but now it's suddenly fine because now he wants that and that's what's best for him, in his estimation. The list goes on and on like that - hurt after hurt. I was really dumb to stay as long as I did.

I could possibly tough through this, dig up all the grace I can muster, and maybe build the happiest home life and most supportive relationships I've ever had. However, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do so. I feel like there's unfinished business between me and my husband. I never want or expect our relationship to be romantic or anything I ever originally envisioned, and I'm content with the thought of potentially being platonic life partners, but now watching my friend and husband's growing connection makes me both very happy for them and simultaneously mad as hell at him. He hurt me, denied basic emotional support and freedom until it was convenient for him, and continues to think only of himself and his happiness. Every time I look at him, I see someone who disregards me on every level, who thinks I ruined his life and dreams, and really sees me as a monster. It's a horrible self-image to have reflected back to you by anyone in your life, let alone a partner.

What would you do? I love my friend and could see an amazing partly platonic triad forming, except for the fact that I just don't feel good around my husband and can't trust him to do anything except what's best for him.
 
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Is it not possible to transition your relationships and living situation in such a way that you are no longer romantically and financially entangled with your husband, but able to pursue a romantic and entangled relationship with your friend? What I'm getting at is that, in my opinion, there is no valid excuse for having to put up with abusive or even largely unsatisfying relationships. It sounds to me that your relationship with your husband isn't even particularly friendly. Having a child together may make it so that you're always at least marginally involved in each other's lives, but your present and future happiness should not include some obligation to be entwined with this guy.

I can definitely understand that seeing your husband experiencing NRE with your friend would be extremely irritating on some level, particularly if he was so negligent to you. Is your friend aware of the problems you and your husband have had? There is definitely some merit to the idea of not dumping negativity about your husband on your friend, but speaking personally, I would probably bring it up in a similar situation. I would personally prefer to warn my friends and family of shitty individuals, though in the end their judgments and actions are their own.
 
StarGirl22 said:
Every time I look at him, I see someone who disregards me on every level, who thinks I ruined his life and dreams, and really sees me as a monster. It's a horrible self-image to have reflected back to you by anyone in your life, let alone a partner.

What would you do?
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Take a deep breath, and sort out an (at least temporary) exit strategy. Give yourself some space to see things from a bit of distance and maybe get someone to talk to who hasn't got an agenda of their own.

From the way you describe it the husband doesn't have much going for him. But you might want to ask yourself why you allowed this to happen - and what changes are you going to make in yourself to make sure this kind of relationship doesn't happen again...
 
I can definitely understand that seeing your husband experiencing NRE with your friend would be extremely irritating on some level, particularly if he was so negligent to you.
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Thanks, you articulate this very well. I feel very happy for them, and yes, the new relationship energy is very strong between them, and that doesn't threaten me in the least. I've always thought love is an amazing thing and there's lots to go around. But the NRE does irritate me in light of my husband's self-centered actions. He never made much of an effort to meet my needs, and there's no reason to think he will suddenly do so now as a platonic life partner, so it's painful watching his sudden (and what appears to be truly deep and profound) and obvious love for this woman. It's true that she is amazing (I love her very much too). But it would be a very, very different story if he hadn't treated me so horribly for so long.

Take a deep breath, and sort out an (at least temporary) exit strategy. Give yourself some space to see things from a bit of distance and maybe get someone to talk to who hasn't got an agenda of their own.

From the way you describe it the husband doesn't have much going for him. But you might want to ask yourself why you allowed this to happen - and what changes are you going to make in yourself to make sure this kind of relationship doesn't happen again...
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Thanks. Going to see my therapist today to talk about this. I think you have good advice on all levels. Not sure why I did this to myself, but definitely need to figure that out.
 
Hi StarGirl22.

An unhappy person, seldom, can make others happy. Let us think hypothetically. You and another have a joint bank account. What happens if you deposit and deposit.... and the other person only makes withdrawals?

What are your expectations from him and the relationship you have with him?

Assess your situation, implement a game plan with a plan B and carefully execute your plan.

I wish you all the best.
 
What are your expectations from him and the relationship you have with him?
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There's a huge difference between the expectations I would like to have, and the ones that are actually realistic.

I would love to have a platonic life partner, with the expectation of sharing childcare, financial and other responsibilities and enjoying a wonderful friendship. That is the expectation I wish I could have. However, I'm now realizing without him attempting to understand the pain he's caused, the narrative stays the same. I am the monster, he is the innocent victim. Bringing another partner into the picture (as incredible as she is) doesn't change the underlying narrative between me and my husband, even if we've now defined our relationship as platonic life partners and removed the biggest source of tension between us.

An unhappy person, seldom, can make others happy. Let us think hypothetically. You and another have a joint bank account. What happens if you deposit and deposit.... and the other person only makes withdrawals?
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Agreed. It's a huge problem. I've known this for years - that I have been the only one in the relationship making deposits. I'm kicking myself for not admitting it sooner. You can't force someone to love you ... tough life lesson. :(
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Let me take the liberty of bullet listing some of that. Just so you can see how it reads:

  • My relationship with my husband was going nowhere.
  • After years of one-sided effort on my part, he showed no interest in improving communication, meeting any of my needs in any way, or being at all supportive of my interests, business or anything else in my life.
  • He hurt me, denied basic emotional support and freedom until it was convenient for him, and continues to think only of himself and his happiness.
  • Every time I look at him, I see someone who disregards me on every level, who thinks I ruined his life and dreams, and really sees me as a monster.
  • It's a horrible self-image to have reflected back to you by anyone in your life, let alone a partner.
  • I just don't feel good around my husband and can't trust him to do anything except what's best for him.
  • I have been the only one in the relationship making deposits
  • I no longer want or expect anything I ever originally envisioned when we got married


How does all that lead to this:

  • I'm content with the thought of potentially being platonic life partners with him


How is that awesome future life for you? :(

What would you do?
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I would see my therapist and plan my exit. I would think about leaving while he's distracted with the new crush. I would forget about being in a romance with the friend. Complete the unfinished business with the husband -- which seems to leaving him. Rather than letting it drag out more.

I would say I'm not up for a triad, and prefer to divorce. I would tell them I wish them well, no hard feelings. And I would try to remain friends with her and coparent peacefully with him.

I would keep my private thoughts to myself and share only with my therapist.

And my private thoughts would be this:

"I am tired of being here with him. And I don't want it to be a case of he gets his attention supply high from the new crush person for a while. Then she leaves when the NRE ends and reality kicks in and she's not as enchanted with him. And then he takes out all his break up stress and ugh on ME because I am there handy and that has become his habit. I am getting me out of the line of fire while the going is good."

If he doesn't have the skills for a decent 1:1 relationship with you, I would vote "no confidence" on him having the skills for 1:1:1 relating in a "V" or a "triad" model.

That is what I would think and do.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you Galagirl - appreciate your perspective. I hadn't considered what might happen if new relationship doesn't work out between them.
 
StarGirl22 said:
I feel that if he wasn't romantically interested in me, he should have figured that out and been honest a while back, and we would have gone our separate ways.
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To play devil's advocate, there's a good chance he wasn't fully aware until he discovered what romantic attraction could really feel like. I've seen that happen a lot with couples who married young and/or didn't have a lot of relationship experience before they married.

I feel like there's unfinished business between me and my husband.
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So finish the business and move on with your life.

platonic life partners, but now watching my friend and husband's growing connection makes me both very happy for them and simultaneously mad as hell at him.
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Do you think your husband respects you even as a friend? It's not the impression I get, but I'm not there to judge.

Every time I look at him, I see someone who disregards me on every level, who thinks I ruined his life and dreams, and really sees me as a monster. It's a horrible self-image to have reflected back to you by anyone in your life, let alone a partner.
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So that would be a "no" to the previous question. So why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect you on even the most basic level? Why would you want to subject your child to such an unhealthy model for relationships, even as friends? Don't believe for a second that your kid isn't aware of all the shit that's going on between you three; children are far more observant than their parents usually give them credit for.

What would you do? I love my friend and could see an amazing partly platonic triad forming, except for the fact that I just don't feel good around my husband and can't trust him to do anything except what's best for him.
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You don't have to give up your friend to give up your husband. You can be in a vee-style relationship with you and your (soon to be ex?) husband as the hinges.

I really think more parents need to be aware of the harm they cause their children by staying in unhappy relationships that are beyond help. Clearly your husband has no intention of incorporating your needs and feelings into his world view, and he's passing that on to your child as the right way for a person to treat their life partner, and you're passing on the idea that it's normal and acceptable to be treated that way. Ick.
 
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Hi StarGirl22,

It seems like you and your husband need to see a marriage counselor together (a poly-friendly one). I get the impression you both have bad feelings about each other. Either that or, you should probably separate. Probably divorce as well (as amicably as possible).

Hopefully your therapist can help with some suggestions as well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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