Accountability

[ksandra]

A little while ago I posted a thread asking for advice about my partner not respecting my request that he be finished with his partner and have our house clean when I came home at 7:00. He and I have talked about it and he will now only be having partners over when I go out of town for a few days so that there is more time to clean the house and less chance to misunderstand when this needs to be accomplished by.

However, I have realized that this is part of a larger issue. He very rarely does what he says he will do. This can be with anything. We work together and he never shows up when he schedules himself, if he agrees to do a specific chore it almost never happens until I point out it hasn't happened. I would do it myself but he gets offended when I do.

I have tried talking to him about this but I feel like I am constantly on edge because I never know whether he's actually going to come through on what he's committed to do. This has become bad enough that whenever a deadline that he's set approaches I have started to feel like I am about to have a panic attack and my reaction is probably worse than each individual situation warrants because I am so wound up. I recognize that I can't control his behaviour and I don't want to but I am eager to hear whether anyone has experienced this before and whether they have any coping mechanisms in place or if I need an attitude shift or just anything since I am at my wits end. We just had a huge talk about how upset this makes me feel and he swore to be more mindful about what he commits to and then he came in to work a half hour late so that I was working by myself and it just feels like he was paying lip service yesterday.

 

[PinkPig]

I am a manager in charge of roughly 20 employees. If my employees consistently did not complete the tasks they'd committed to and were responsible for, my business would not function. I do not tolerate this behavior in an employee. As for specific hours, I guess it depends on the job. If a job is such that it can be done any time, as long as the employee meets the deadlines, it doesn't matter to me whether he does it from 8-5 or from midnight to 9 am, or any other combo. Now, if he's agreed to be there at a specific time to meet a customer, supplier, or other business contact, or he's not meeting deadlines that affect the timeliness of the end product, then he wouldn't be my employee for long!

It's a little different with a partner, and depends on the subject matter. If the partner is agreeing to do things they do not wish to do, in order to appease me because I'm demanding or because I have higher expectations of cleanliness than the partner, than that is on me. If I value the relationship, then it is my job to adjust my expectations or find other means of fulfilling them. OTOH, if the partner is regularly failing to do things he agreed to do like pay the electric bill so that it gets shut off, or be there for me when I'm having a crisis, then I wouldn't consider him/her a compatible partner and I'd end the relationship (as difficult as that would be.) In that situation, no amount of changing my expectations, adjusting my thinking, etc, would make us compatible.

As for having other partners over in your space, I'd be inclined to just not have partners over period. If he really doesn't pay attention to time, then just because you're gone a longer period of time, will not make him suddenly be cognizant of your return time (and thus have his other partner gone and the house cleaned.)

 

[icesong]

Is your partner ADD by chance? I am, you see, and I've been realizing over the past few weeks how much that truly has affected my husband - if you look at my last blog entry I wrote quite a lot about that.

If so, it may not be that your partner doesn't care, so much as that they're just bad at that sort of thing in general. Doesn't make it easier for you, but a thing to think about.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ksandra,

It seems to me that your partner is stuck in (or comfortable with) a pattern of lackadaisically breaking his word to you, and isn't going to change, no matter how poignantly you ask (and how fervently he promises). It's up to you now to decide if you can tolerate this trait in him, or if you need to break up with him.

It's nice to think that there could be some kind of consequence when he behaves that way, but what consequence could there be? I don't know. A temporary separation?

Sorry, I know I'm not helping much.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

You don't get someone OUT of a passive-aggressive rut by letting it continue. Someone who enjoys the control of passive aggression gets some of the power by playing the victim of the big, unreasonable meanie.

You can BE the "meanie" & at least TRY to make things better, or accept being the de facto victim.

 

[1234567]

Seems to me- and the way I dealt with his- was to make it so there is never that dynamic of expecting something to happen and be remembered.

Live in the moment. The bill needs paying soon? You can't do it on top of your regular chores?

"We need to clear the dishes and pay the bill right now. Which would you rather do?"

Set it up regularly- "can you give me x minutes a day to work on the chore chart?" And a reinforcer- "We're backed up. I've done my work, so I'm going to take a break. Could you do yours, and then join me on the couch?"

Positive reinforce the heck out of this.

--------


That's the practical side. What it does have you doing is all the emotional labor. All the remembering. All the scheduling. If you don't address this, you may find yourself resentful as hell.

when I was in your shoes I completely gave over control of some areas to my ex- vacation booking, he took care of x'mas presents for his side of the family, laundry, we alternated grocery shopping. Stuff that reinforces itself (if it's not done, you notice) and/or you don't care if it doesn't happen. Also stuff he could easily get into a routine about.

I made a list of chores and the time it took me to do them and asked him to do half (or when I was stay at home, one of 4 things that needed to be done daily that I couldnMt do with a toddler and a newborn- I could manage 3.)

Therefore, some of it was off my plate.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have tried talking to him about this but I feel like I am constantly on edge because I never know whether he's actually going to come through on what he's committed to do.

Sounds like you don't like sitting around waiting on him. Because sitting around waiting on him to follow through when past experience tells you he is unreliable with follow through frustrates you. Why expect follow through then? Make your own Plan B.

Could call it "bonus" if he actually follows through, and if he follows through that is nice.

And if he doesn't, it doesn't hurt you any. You are covered. You had a Plan B.

Like my parents.

My mom wanted me to referee a fight with my dad about the trash once because my Alzheimer father forgets to take it out on time for trash day. And if he misses, it gets stinky in the garage which drives her crazy. So she takes it out to make sure it is out or she's after him on trash day nagging if he took it out or not.

Then he complains she is a nag or complains that she gives him a job and then "takes over" all his jobs and makes him feel useless. So they argue about the trash. Who is right?

I told her I wasn't going to referee trash. I was going to suggest taking a step back to assess SKILLS. He wants to feel useful, but his Alzheimer brain makes his "time" concept off. So why not assign him chores that are useful but NOT time based? Ones where Mom doesn't care when they happen?

Trash is tied to trash pick up day and that happens only at certain times. How about chores like wash the car? If he does it weekly -- great! If he messes up and it happens every 7, 10, 13, 5, 7, 12, 4 days? Who cares? The car is clean enough, he feels useful. And she gets a non stinky garage and it eliminates the whole "time" thing.

Could reassessing you chore lists like that help any?

We work together and he never shows up when he schedules himself, if he agrees to do a specific chore it almost never happens until I point out it hasn't happened. I would do it myself but he gets offended when I do.

Does this chore affect you somehow? What kind of chore is it?

In general, if it does not affect you? Leave him to it and leave him undone. It's his chore and his problem.

If it does affect you? I would say solve the chore so you can be free of stress. If he gets offended that he did not do a chore that affects both of you by time he said he would get it done? So you took action to solve it so YOU can get on with YOUR life? Let him be offended.

In order to be free of feeling UGH? Next time he can either follow through in timely fashion, or NOT offer to do a chore that impacts both in the first place.

We just had a huge talk about how upset this makes me feel and he swore to be more mindful about what he commits to and then he came in to work a half hour late so that I was working by myself and it just feels like he was paying lip service yesterday.

That kinda me of my oldest and my Dad.

Kid dawdles. It takes kid at least 15 min extra to get ready. So If I want to be out the door by 6 PM, then I tell kid we have to be out by 5:45 PM. I don't tell kid it's really 6 PM. Then kid can dawdle and I don't feel crazy.

My Dad is opposite. He's SO worried with his Alzheimer brain that he will be late that he comes to things an hour early. So if I want him here by 6 PM, I tell him to come at 7 PM.

I still want to be in relationship with these people, so I choose to work with their individual idiosyncrasies in different ways to same result: I don't feel crazy in MY time management.

I guess you have to decide how you want to handle it in your situation.

Galagirl

 

[Spork]

This kind of thing is why I am happy being solo poly. I still have to deal with it from my kids, but I can forgive my kids more easily than grown adults. I dream of the day they move out and I am only responsible for me and the cat. I don't even want roommates.

Because it always felt to me like you either shut up and do everything to get it done right...

Or you throw constant fits about it all and get labeled a nag or worse...

Other people WILL let me down if I expect things of them. So I don't expect much. I don't demand much.

Living with someone, the resentment just builds. I can't deal with it.

I wish I could say something more helpful to you in your circumstance. I really do. The only tactic I ever found was that either I did any given Thing that needed doing...or I delegated Things that I did not care about, so that if/when they did not get done, I could simply...not care. Before that, I just did All The Things myself.

Seriously, good luck. Let us know if you find any groovy techniques for getting him to be more conscientious.