Adjusting to poly - advice wanted

A

Ace&Poly

New member
My hubby and I (of many years) decided late last year to try poly this year - primarily bc his libido is much higher than mine and it was to much pressure on me and unsatisfying for him. We've been reading a lot and going to couples counseling to work through it. I also read of lot on here including the golden nuggets section

the 'am i in poly hell' article resonated with me, but its the flipped perspective. I'm the one feeling displaced and intrusion etc. I want to be ok with this but I am having so many heavy emotions. The thought of him with anyone else is stomach churning.

How do you get ok with this?

help and thanks
 
Ace&Poly said:
My hubby and I (of many years) decided late last year to try poly this year - primarily bc his libido is much higher than mine and it was to much pressure on me and unsatisfying for him. We've been reading a lot and going to couples counseling to work through it. I also read of lot on here including the golden nuggets section

the 'am i in poly hell' article resonated with me, but its the flipped perspective. I'm the one feeling displaced and intrusion etc. I want to be ok with this but I am having so many heavy emotions. The thought of him with anyone else is stomach churning.

How do you get ok with this?

help and thanks
Click to expand...
Oh, that must be so hard. I'm not sure if I have any great advice, but I can tell you what worked for me and my husband. We've always gone out of our way to reassure each other how attractive we find each other and what we love about them. There is also no doubt in either of our minds that we'd ever leave the other person for someone we met, and we've always made that clear with our other partners. Lastly, I have so much love to give and the idea of allowing my partner to get to know and love someone as well is very...freeing. It can help you fall in love with yourself a little more and discover your own self-worth.

That being said, I don't think polyamory is for everyone, and I think it's important to both be on the same page. It's important to check in with each other and ask yourself and each other, "How is our relationship doing? How are you feeling about your relationships with others?" I am fairly new to polyamory and not an expert at all, but those are my two cents. Sending you all the good vibes.
 
I am far from asexual. In fact, I had a fairly average libido as a teen and 20something. Although when I think back now, I was on bith control pills from age 16-29, and I am pretty sure it dampened my libido. Then at 29 I got pregnant and I was pretty sick/nauseous/uncomfortable all over, with swollen ankles and sore nipples. My sex drive kind of disappeared. I was pregnant three times in five years. I had very needy active kids, who didn't sleep through the night until they were five years old. I was a stay at home mom. So... yeah. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do when they were asleep was to pass out myself.

However, when I hit 40, my sex drive suddenly increased dramatically and I've never looked back.

But back in those days when my libido was practically nil (a 10-year period), if my ex and I had known about ethical non-monogamy, I wouldn't have minded if he'd found a local woman to have sex with, as long as that didn't take much time away from his marital and fatherly duties. It would have taken pressure off of me. I used to have sex with him every few weeks out of pity, and because he'd get really grumpy without it. I know he would have preferred sex several times a week! When my sex drive came back, he was in seventh heaven!

(He admitted years later to stopping at a local stripper bar for a lap dance now and then, on his way home from work, out of desperation, and I wasn't even mad.)

I've seen this issue of mismatched libidos over and over again, here on this board, and with people I know in real life. Not to be mean, and I know it's a tough concept, but I think it's selfish of someone with no libido (or very little), to not consent to their spouse getting it elsewhere, if that is what they want. I feel bad for asexual people, since you are such a minority... it is hard to find partners. But I am queer (non-binary, pansexual, polyamorous) and I've struggled too, once I stopped trying to be monogamous with my ex.

It's hard to deal with in our society, where we are all raised with the idea that monogamy is the ideal, no matter what. And it's true that sex is very bonding, and even if you attempt to get "just sex," the chances are you will get fond feelings for a sex partner you enjoy, or even fall in love. So then you have to face breaking up, or learning to practice healthy polyamory. That's where this board comes in.

I am very glad you've been reading our resources in Golden Nuggets!
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

Ace&Poly said:
My hubby and I (of many years) decided late last year to try poly this year - primarily bc his libido is much higher than mine and it was to much pressure on me and unsatisfying for him.
Click to expand...
How many yrs have you been married?
How big of a disconnect is/was this libido problem?
How many months has your husband been actively dating?
Because of the calendar rolling over now, I’m just trying to get perspective on the picture.


Ace&Poly said:
We've been reading a lot and going to couples counseling to work through it. I also read a lot on here, including the golden nuggets section.
Click to expand...
Any of the golden nuggets that have seemed to help, other than the one listed below?

Ace&Poly said:
the 'am i in poly hell' article resonated with me, but its the flipped perspective. I'm the one feeling displaced and intrusion etc.
Click to expand...
From what I’m reading, it’s not a flipped perspective. It’s pretty much the perspective of someone dealing with a poly partner.

Have you discussed this displacement and intrusion(s) within the realm of couples counseling and tried to come up with strategies to counteract such feelings?

Ace&Poly said:
I want to be ok with this, but I am having so many heavy emotions. The thought of him with anyone else is stomach churning. How do you get ok with this?
Click to expand...
So, on paper, “taking the pressure off“ seemed to be a good idea. When did it change? …The minute he went on the first date, or later down the road, when feelings entered the picture?

Intrusion is always easy to see when creating a new relationship dynamic, but displacement or demotion in your case seem like that was your stated welcomed goal. Are you sure it’s shades not guilt for not having the same libido/sexual energy your husband has?

“How do you get ok with this?"

Why do you think it makes your stomach churn? If you have a nonexistent or unfulfilling sex life, it can’t possibly take away from that, right? If you’re happy now, “pressure off,“ he’s happier now getting sexual needs met elsewhere, why wouldn’t that be a win win? Are you getting sucked under with the logistical stuff, or NRE things, which then push this up into your face?

I think you need to try to pick apart where the heavy emotions are coming from.
 
Ace&Poly said:
My hubby and I (of many years) decided late last year to try poly this year - primarily bc his libido is much higher than mine and it was to much pressure on me and unsatisfying for him. We've been reading a lot and going to couples counseling to work through it. I also read of lot on here including the golden nuggets section

the 'am i in poly hell' article resonated with me, but its the flipped perspective. I'm the one feeling displaced and intrusion etc. I want to be ok with this but I am having so many heavy emotions. The thought of him with anyone else is stomach churning.

How do you get ok with this?

help and thanks
Click to expand...
Have you both already considered an open relationship? That seems like a solution to the problem that is less intense than something like full-on polyamory. It of course still requires open communication and trust, but speaking as someone who was in an open relationship, it’s a *very* different beast.
 
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