Admins Please Delete.- Apologies

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Popcorn

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Admins, please delete this thread. I apologize. I got the information I needed and am feeling I may have given away too much information as to not be anonymous. Thanks to everyone who replied.
 
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Hello Popcorn,

Just one question, is she with the other guy when she's not with you? because if she is, that could help explain the lack of communication during that time. Even if that's not the case, I can see how an overload of friends and family could convince her to not talk much with you when she's not with you. Maybe the problem is that she hasn't been with you for the past two weekends? You indicated that you and her are long distance from each other.

It concerns me that she agreed to send you one text per day, and she hasn't been doing that. I guess she is just committing her time and attention to more people than she is really able to follow through on. I don't think she means to put you down, she is just overbooked. It is unwise of her to overbook herself, in that way she is not good at handling relationships in general. So don't resent her, but do consider breaking up with her.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

actually, this week she hasn't been abiding by our agreement of 1 text a day. I haven't heard from her in any way in 3 days.

I would have not made that agreement. I hate texting. I would have told you so.

Seriously, how hard is it to text someone when you're on the crapper?

By the same token? You just started dating. How hard is it to just break up? Polite, but def broken up?

You are/were waffling back and forth with it.

She's asked for patience as she works through some stuff and being spread thin. She's been sat down by her friends and told that her communication sucks. Everybody seems to be mad at her. I'm trying to understand and be patient, but the quality and frequency of her communications remains the same...

To me that kinda sounds like "people pleaser" who can't say "No." Like afraid to be assertive for fear someone might be disappointed. And then ends up spread too thin with all these obligations and dropped balls and people actually upset with her.

But this nagging thought that maybe she's poly in a way that's ok with this behavior remains and is why I'm here. I personally think she uses poly as an excuse to not have any responsibilities to other people and their feelings and needs. Thoughts?

I'd say break up because she doesn't practice LDR poly in a way you like.

You seem to want a lot of togetherness and a lot of contact which is hard in LDR. Maybe you could stop doing those and only do in person relationships?

Center what YOU want and need in a relationship.

I appreciate your feedback in advance. It would really mean a lot. I'm hurting and confused over here and wondering if I have a narcissist or cluelessly self-absorbed person on my hands.

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. Sometimes it's just a regular ol' person. And things STILL don't align. It's ok. That sometimes happens when dating. People try and then find they are not compatible after all. And part ways.

I couldn't get her on the phone today so I sent her a breakup text. Instead of responding to the many points and questions I had, she focused on one point that was inaccurate. I told her she was deflecting. She told me she would get back to me after the latest minor emergency. An "emergency" that should only take an hour or 2. That was 8 hours ago.... That doesn't sound like somebody who is concerned about losing me.

When she told you she would get back to you after the latest minor emergency?

You could have said "No, thanks. I think it's best just done."

Just disconnect, block, etc.

To me? This is too much emotional energy on a such a short relationship.
 
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Thanks GalaGirl for all of your helpful comments. I'm removing my comments for anonymity sake.
 
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I cannot tell you "what is common."

I can only tell you what *I* would like. I would find your daily contact requests overwhelming. Because I do not want nor need daily contact. I hate text. I hate phones. I am ok with email. Snail mail would be charming since nobody does that any more.

I'm from before cel phones and smartphones. Where you WAITED to do weekend night time long distance because that was the cheapest rate. This business of smartphones doing anywhere in the country day or night? Is sometimes really cool and other times? Really annoying.

People expect "instant gratification." Wanting everything NOW.

I don't like anyone yanking on my digital leash at all hours wanting my attention. So I ignore texts, calls. And screen them and deal with them when I'm ready to. I'm fine not hearing from people in a week or more. Cuz that's how it used to be for me anyway before gadgets and my personality is such where I'm ok without this much contact from other people.

Our first 4 weekends together were magical. We both commented on how we've never experienced something like this. Just a crazy deep connection that's so easy, open, sincere, honest, and vulnerable. She says and does the sweetest things. We provide great space for each other to express ourselves openly.

The past 2 weekends we haven't been able to get together and something just feels off energetically.

Was that 4 weekends in a row? Then a break for 2 weekends?

Labriola does a good article in "Love in Abundance" about that

(0) independent ------(5) Neutral ------- (10) togetherness

spectrum and how people don't think to talk about it.

That's not quite how she had the drawing but close enough.

She's on here talking about "The Scale" at about 1:40 in.


I'm super alone/independent/introvert type. Probably like a 3 right now? I'd be great with a similar person and then to a neutral 5? That's not too big a gap to bridge. It could be workable.

I would be a terrible match for a "super togetherness" 8, 9, or 10 person. That's too big a bridge to try to gap.

Nobody is "bad" or "wrong" for wanting the level they want. It's just not all are at the same level.

You sound like you don't LIKE long distance. So how about when you seek a new poly partner? You seek "in person" relationships no no "LDR" things? So you can skip the phone/text issues? You don't have to go for "lesser of two evils." Could skip both!

And then talk to the potential about the independent/togetherness thing and make sure you are more in alignment in personality, style, values, etc. Mere attraction does not equal initial compatibility. And initial compatibility is not DEEP compatibility. Love alone is not enough. Lots of things have to be in alignment to make a relationship sustainable.
 
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I've brought up deleting this thread in the mod forum. I don't see much info here that would make you non-anonymous, but we'll see what our rules allow.
 
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