Adulting is hard, but also somehow easier

Frankie

Member
Not really an advice seeking post. Just a share of a loving change in circumstances.

Married for 19 years this year, with my nesting partner, Green.

For the past number of years (since 2018) I've had a relationship with my second partner, named, Red, on here.

Nearly 2 years ago, we stopped being intimate due to some changes in circumstances as Red tried to navigate his feelings surrounding polyamory (previously only monogamous).

During that time we still were close in all other ways, just not sexual. Last year this time my mom got cancer and I left for 9 months (we had previously been on and off long distance so no big deal). But when I came back home, I was not in a good mental space to try to rekindle what we had sexually.

I made it clear that I wanted our relationship to continue to be non sexual, and if possible to stay how it was with the connection we had. But I have had so much going on that I needed more time for myself.

This weekend I visited for the first time in a few weeks. And of course we fell back into how we've always been. I love this man to the end of the world.

Except today he asked if we would ever be intimate again. He was sweet and kind when asking. And I blurted out that I didn't know and started crying and he held me. And we talked while embracing for what felt like forever. I needed that, and he knew it. And I told him that for now to just assume the answer was a no, as I cried. He understood (in his own way, although still monogamous mindset) and just held me and said nothing else had to change, he just wanted to know because he loved me and wanted to be intimate again, but knew he needed to ask.

It broke my heart to admit it to myself and him now, that we would not be intimate again, even though I had settled with it when he decided not to be intimate nearly two years ago.

But I'm glad the conversation was had. Even if it still makes me cry. Lol. And I don't know why exactly.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thanks for sharing that. Since you don't want advice, or opinions, I guess (?), I won't share any. Just a mod note, if you want to share your feelings and experiences, and not get advice (unless you do request some) you can start a blog in the section we have reserved for that. If you would like me to move this thread, I'd be happy to do so.
 

Frankie

Member
Thank you. I have a blog on here, but didn't add it there for some reason. I don't mind opinions or even advice, I'm ok with that. I just didn't have a question to ask, just wanted to share a poly relationship evolution that looks different than a typical break up I guess. I'm not really sure.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Oh, now that you mention it, I have read your blog from time to time. I saw the names for your partners in this post though and thought it was just a coincidence haha.

So what you're saying is, both you and Red agreed for one reason or another to stop having sex a couple years ago. This can happen in any long-term relationship, of course, mono or poly. Usually it just happens without being requested. It just kind of fades away.

It seems like maybe Red wants to start having sex again. I mean, he asked. But you said no, for now you still don't want to.

Sex between long terms partners can wax and wane. I was with the same man for 30 years and we had hot periods (daily intense sex, in our 20s and in our 50s), or periods where we barely had sex at all for many years (mostly when the 3 kids were quickly born and needed us the most). Maybe you will come together sexually with Red again someday...
 

Frankie

Member
I appreciate your words. Maybe I just need to talk about it I guess.

I think the biggest reason I have decided to not return to having sex with Red is because he only understands polyamory as I've shown him and he is unwilling to read or research on his own. So he is constantly returning to mono-normative thought processes (example - I no longer want to have sex with him because ultimately, I fell in love with Green again ---. Which couldn't be further from the actual reason. And I've tried to explain).

I know he loves me, but in his mind he wants me to be exclusive to just him and Green, if I'm with him. And I'm not prepared to close myself off completely to other people.

So almost two years ago he decided that he wanted to take a break with sex between he and I. At the time I understood and still do - because he was stuck in a mono-normative mindset about Green moving back home (work move- green and I were LDR for a bit) and wasn't sure how he felt about all of it.

We agreed we would keep our relationship non-sexual.

When I came back from taking care of my Mom, I talked with Red and explained how I needed our relationship to stay where it is currently - non-sexual. Mostly because caretaking took so much out of me. And it really messed with my depression and anxiety; seriously I've been all over the emotional rollercoaster.

But, I also reconnected with an old flame just before I came home. Which is where, I think, it cemented the idea of really not wanting to be exclusive. I love Red, but I don't want to be sexual with him if it will just hurt him; if I say I've found someone else I've connected with, whom I want to explore a relationship with.

It is possible sex will return with Red in the future. I enjoyed it immensely, I enjoy the connection we have during sex. So I am mourning that I think. Which I think is why it makes me want to cry.

But I think I've made the best decision for now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Frankie,

It sounds like you are sure enough that you don't want to be sexual with Red (at least not right now), but at the same time, you did love sex with him when you had it, and you are kind of missing it, so no matter how sure you are about your decision, it still stirs up some sad feelings for you. I know it would help if Red would do some studying up on polyamory, instead of always falling back on the mononormative mindset he was raised on. If he ever does give poly more of a fair shake, I think that then you might be open to the idea of resuming sex with him.

I'm sorry that now couldn't be that time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Frankie

Member
Thank you Kdt26417. I think you are right, if he were to accept more info on Polyamory, and were to be open to me possibly having other partners then yes I would resume sex with him. Because then I feel like I could be my true self and I wouldn't hurt him.

Maybe one day.

Thanks to both of you all for the chat. I know it isn't typical resource seeking, but I appreciate the conversation, it has helped me.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
No problem, I'm glad the feedback helped you, if you need more just let us know.
 
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