Advice and thoughts on dealing with non-poly wife.

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Just so all are aware, the OP has used much language to signify that this is a potentially a PUD/coercion situation.

My crush had suspected for a long time I was in love with her, and since I officially told her that, she "semi-ghosted" me. I'm sure situation is simply too uncomfortable for her.

Unrequited crush, once confirmed, woman felt the need to distance herself.

I wouldn't say my wife "accepts" it (yet?).

she kind of gave up fighting with it.

My crush is a long-time friend, not only of us both, she is integral part of our friends-and-family network

These women are friends. (Messy list issues)

Overall, I think we should be careful about enabling a situation where we encourage a husband to find ways to further coerce his wife into accepting a one- sided 'polyamorous' relationship where he "crushes" on their family friends and makes them "uncomfortable".

He's in a monogamous marriage with someone who has had to deal with his unrequited crush(es) on other people for years. If he wants a polyamorous relationship where the foundations of the relationship are grounded in ENM, fine, but that's not what he's heading for here.

This is why I suggested a total reset where he addresses his mental health (and frankly some issues around the nuances of consent) as well as the part of polyamory which is arguably the hardest, getting used to your partner having the freedom to be intimate with others.

 

[Magdlyn]

Just so all are aware, the OP has used much language to signify that this is a potentially a PUD/coercion situation.

What is PUD in this context?

Unrequited crush, once confirmed, woman felt the need to distance herself.

These women are friends. (Messy list issues)

Overall, I think we should be careful about enabling a situation where we encourage a husband to find ways to further coerce his wife into accepting a one- sided 'polyamorous' relationship where he "crushes" on their family friends and makes them "uncomfortable".

I don't see anyone doing that.

He's in a monogamous marriage with someone who has had to deal with his unrequited crush(es) on other people for years. If he wants a polyamorous relationship where the foundations of the relationship are grounded in ENM, fine, but that's not what he's heading for here. This is why I suggested a total reset where he addresses his mental health (and frankly some issues around the nuances of consent) as well as the part of polyamory which is arguably the hardest, getting used to your partner having the freedom to be intimate with others.

 

[Evie]

Poly Under Duress

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I don't see anyone doing that.

We know that the other woman was a family friend, OR that there is ALSO a family friend that he has crushed on, announced it, and now she distances herself from him (but not his wife, MAYBE because she pities her or genuinely cares for her welfare). He used the word "uncomfortable" to decribe how she feels. It made me think of the way a GYN might describe a cervical biopsy with no anesthetic as "uncomfortable". We know that this is way outside of his wife's comfort zone (he's mentioned this) and that his wife has "stopped fighting it".

Bearing all that in mind, I feel like this qualifies as a situation where pressure and duress wouldn't be inappropriate terms to use. I personally wouldn't want to arm this OP with such tools given the things I've highlighted. YMMV, just saying what I see.

 

[Evie]

What tools?

Are you referring to my post where I suggested personal agency? I was trying to say he should leave the wife, the crush and the friends out of it and get control on his own perspective, as that's the only actual thing he has control over.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Poly books and resources that will give him the language to use "therapy speak" to gaslight his wife.

Suggestions to approach counsellors but fire them if they don't say what he wants to hear.

Those two things mostly from more than one member, and in the context of his admitted mental health issues, the language about the wife's reluctance and the negative, avoidant response by the other person hardly being mentioned.

 

[GalaGirl]

We are going to therapist tomorrow.

Both you and your wife?

I'm a bit nervous because I never did it it my life, no idea what to expect.

It's largely intake. You can google articles. Here's one. The counselor will probably ask you what brought you to therapy and what you hope to achieve. Are you able to articulate that? If you are not able to be that open with your wife present, you could change it to an individual appointment, or ask Wife to wait in the lobby, or stay home, and just keep the appointment yourself. And she could schedule an individual one. And THEN you could both do a sessions together.

Or, since this is just basic intake, do that together, and if this seems to be a good fit, and the counselor offers the modalities you are interested in, you could ask to schedule separate second appointments for further intake/get to know you. It may turn out you and your wife want individual counselors AND a couples counselor.

If I can use some metaphor it will be like attempting to heal a festering stab wound without removing the knife first.

I think you could be honest about that, because therapy gets expensive. Declaring your crush on the friend and finding out is it not reciprocated has taken you for a loop.

"new love" unfortunately is unrequited, status is unresolved yet and I'm "love-hurt depressive" state now.

You might also be dealing in depression. Maybe you even were before this. Maybe this event made you realize you struggle with depression. Could that be true?

Then realizing you are polyamorous/not happy with monogamy is another big thing.

How this may change/end your marriage is another thing. It doesn't sound like your wife signed up for a polyamorous marriage. She can't MAKE you do monogamy if you don't want that anymore. But you can't MAKE her do polyamory, either. She may not want that. So you two might need to part ways first, before you start actually trying to poly-date.

Even if both you and wife did want polyamory, just because you two were monogamous for a time doesn't make you AUTOMATICALLY compatible to practice polyamory with each other.

This doesn't sound like open marriage. So your wife might consider you declaring your crush to someone like you were trying to start an emotional cheating affair with the friend. The friend that you declared yourself to might take it like you were inviting her to participate in an emotional affair, hence her distancing herself.

It's a lot to unpack. I think you could slow down and talk to a counselor and figure out what you actually want, and how you want to go about achieving it, before you blow up your life and/or your marriage. It's already taking dings.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

Gaslighting the wife seems like a bit of a leap. Wearing down perhaps, but not gaslighting.

Klein, I'm glad you're going to see a therapist to get some help with the depression. You may wish to tell the therapist that you are contemplating if you could be polyamorous. But polyamory isn't about crushing on someone while you are still married, even if you have been honest with your wife about that crush.

Polyamory is a relationship configuration that does away with your current monogamous relationship configuration. Your marriage, as you have experienced it before, would be over and you would need to build a new style of relationship wherein both you and your wife have a level of autonomy to date other people as you individually wish. This is hard enough to do in a progressive country. And with two people in that marriage who actually want to do that. You have neither of those things in your favour. It's also not generally recommended to open a marriage because of someone "waiting in the wings" - mercifully your crush does not reciprocate so there is no external pressure.

Klein, you're going to have to let this crush go. If (and it's a small chance, really) informed, enthusiastic, polyamory is in your and your wife's future, it's not with this crush. Take the knife out of your own heart, because you're the one that put it there in the first place.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Gaslighting the wife seems like a bit of a leap. Wearing down perhaps, but not gaslighting.

Oh what people do with therapy speak is absolutely gaslighting. It's very easy to do it with polyamory. You can start by implying only the selfish and controlling would ever insist on monogamy, move onto who is "evolved" and who isn't, and end by suggesting your partner will be abandoned unless they agree.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is getting a bit heated. I'd like to remind members of one of the rules of this forum:

Just because you've seen variations on the same problem 172,394 times before doesn't mean it's not a new and pressing issue for the person posting it. Keep the primary rule in mind and be considerate. Don't expect a new poster to know the ins and outs of poly jargon or to be well versed in poly theory; be gentle with them. Making judgments about other users, especially about the validity of their poly, is strongly discouraged.

 

[Evie]

I'm just going to wait and see how it unveils.
We are going to therapist tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous because I never did it it my life, no idea what to expect.
Don't know how it looks like, what to say and how, and how much to share, to open.
Frankly I suspect I'll just be served with cliche banalities about "accepting myself" "being positive" "moving on" "focusing on family" on one side and "respecting my crush' choice and boundaries" on other side and stuff like that.

If I can use some metaphor it will be like attempting to heal festering stab wound without removing the knife first.

How did the therapy appointment go, Klein?