Advice for handling exes and communication

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I mean, I for one would be _livid_ to hear any of my partners having that type of conversation (about boredom, etc) with anyone, partner, ex partner, allowed or not. It’s one thing to discuss broader issues - telling one partner that you and your other partner have ceased sexual relations, or something - in order to increase understanding between partners. This, though, to me feels like just stirring up shit.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Weve both had people on the "off limits" list, theres quite a few people i cannot be with and know he would be angry if i was talking to them this same way.

Fair enough. You each have your "messy people" list.

Not long after he was having convos with her about private matters, me, and saying how much he missed her and her body etc. We talked about it and after some time understood why some of the convo had been hurtful.

Few months later, she checks in again to see if still a "no go". He shares some more and then agrees not to. Etc.

Again, months later she checks in again. Although the convo is brief, he again shares private things (about being bored, sexually off etc) and how she has the perfect body.

If it was me? They broke up and we had an agreement that he could talk to his exes like friends but not talk to them about me and private stuff like our shared sex life without my consent?

Then I find all this out? He keeps ON sharing private info about (me) or (me+him) with an ex even after he agreed to cut it out?

I'd dump him. Because it is NOT a communication issue. I have told him several times already. We have communicated. It's not like the data did not go in. He agreed to modify his behavior.

At this point it is a basic respect issue to me.

There can be second chances, but there aren't going to be a million second chances with me.

  • If the issue keeps coming up over and over that he agrees to stop doing this but then doesn't actually stop?
  • He doesn't respect my boundary and keeps on oversharing personal info stuff about me or our shared sex life with exes without my consent?
  • He also doesn't make agreements in good faith? He says whatever in the moment, but doesn't actually keep his Word?
It is on me to enforce my boundary then. I'll make it easy too. Shoo. I'm breaking up. Then there isn't anything to tell his ex about (me) or (me+him) any more. And I can get off this merry-go-round I'm not interested in riding.

In general, we are both respectful and care how the other feels etc, but like anyone we make mistakes and know both of us have baggage.

Fair enough.

You don't have to be like me -- I do 3 chances to get it together. I might even go 4 if I see some honest effort and progress IS being made. But I'm not doing 5. I am looking forward to empty nest and retirement. I expect people my age to already have it together on basic respect and already know how to make and keep agreements. We aren't teens just learning how to date!

I suggest you pick a number you think is fair for people with baggage. Whatever it is? Be firm about it -- 5 second chances, 10 second chances to get it together. But it isn't gonna be like 50, 100, 1000, 1 million second chances, right? You aren't a doormat.

"Having past baggage" isn't an excuse for crap behavior TODAY, right?

At some point, if he keeps on and on with it? Keeps on breaking the agreement and keeps on being a blabbermouth with the ex? He runs out of second chances with you. All used up.

At that point you have to accept he just doesn't make the cut against your personal standards for what you seek in a long term partner because he fails to keep his word, and fails to respect your boundaries. So the one that belongs on the list of messy people that you don't want to deal in is HIM.

I suggest you do your soul searching on this one. I strongly suggest you pick your number. Tell him you are tired of this and are giving _____ second chances to get it together. Because this is really becoming a drag.

And then sit back and count. He either gets it together with this problem or he doesn't.

Galagirl
 
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Evie

Mod
Out of curiosity, how do you know he's telling her these things about you? Is he then telling you that he told her that he's bored with your sex life and misses her body? That seems unnecessarily cruel.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Lucygoosey21,

This is perhaps a little off-topic, but it sounds like your boyfriend puts considerable stock into whether someone has "the perfect body." I mean, this ex seems to have significant vices, and your boyfriend seems to be wanting to overlook those vices for the sake of being able to get it on with someone "with a great body." Not to mention that by saying that, he is indirectly insulting you. Is he sending you a passive-aggressive message that he wants to break up with you, and get back together with her? Is he trying to push you into being the one who breaks up with him?

My advice to you is to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you want him to stop sharing private info with his ex, and that you want the, "I miss your perfect body," comments to stop. Be very explicit, so that he can't act like he didn't think you really meant it or something. He seems to me to be super slow at taking hints. So don't hint anymore. Leave him utterly and totally without excuse.

I don't like how he's treating you.
Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 

RedBill

Member
Out of curiosity, how do you know he's telling her these things about you? Is he then telling you that he told her that he's bored with your sex life and misses her body? That seems unnecessarily cruel.
You know she be sneakin his phone.
 

Evie

Mod

Lucygoosey21

New member
Yes, but we usually don't come right out and accuse people of that.
Evie, Redbill: actually, did not sneak his phone but thanks for the assumption and useless accusation and implication. We are both open with our phones and he was/is well aware of my reading just as he is able to do with mine.

I didnt answer your question because it wasnt any of your business. I removed post because although i wanted some input,.its something my Master/bf and I talked about, resolved and moved on. Although I wanted to ask for input, it was only to get an outside perspective.
 

Evie

Mod
We are both open with our phones and he was/is well aware of my reading just as he is able to do with mine.
See my earlier comment about being unnecessarily cruel.
 
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