Advice for me? Came out as poly... in monogamous marriage

burgundy12345

burgundy12345

New member
We've been married almost 20 years. But in the past year I realized I'm polyamorous. Raised relatively conservatively... so for most of my life I didn't even know there was such a thing as poly. Now I know - it's just part of who I am and it explains so much of my conflicting emotions.

Anyway – finally worked up the courage to tell her about how I've been feeling. It's been difficult for her to accept but she's working on it. We are going to therapy and that's helping. And she's fine with the idea of polyamory - for other people. Not for us. We entered into a monogamous marriage and that's what she wants.

I love my wife. We've been through so much together. We have a special relationships. We're each other's best friends. But I'm not sure what to do about this.

Any advice?
 
Keep doing what you're doing. Therapy. Open communication. Figuring out what each of you NEED to make the relationship sustainable. Is identifying as polyamorous and having that acknowledged enough for you? Do you have to be forming additional romantic relationships or can you be content with respecting the monogamous contract you signed before you became aware of other options? If you feel like you NEED (will be entirely miserable without) the ability to form additional relationships when you click with someone(s), then your wife will have to decide if it is a dealbreaker for her.

You can't rush it, unfortunately. It sounds like she doesn't want to lose the relationship she has with you since she's willing to go to therapy and actually talk about the idea of non monogamy, even if she's currently opposed to it for herself. Show her you can respect boundaries and hopefully she will become more comfortable with the idea of polyamory over time.

How long ago did you come out to her?
 
I guess it depends on what it is you ultimately want.

If you want to be more open with your thoughts and feelings with wife so you don't walk around bottled up? You are starting to do that and perhaps she's willing to hear it. More open for you that way, but still not seeing other people so it's closed enough for her.

If you want to eventually date other people? And she prefers monogamy?

It depends if she is willing to do mono-poly where she's monogamous on her side and you explore poly on your side.

If she wants to be free of all things poly? Doesn't want to be in your network as a mono partner? You both may have to come to terms with ending the romance and trying to be exes and friends. Or just exes.

It just depends on how you each feel about it and what it is you each ultimately want. For now keep talking and don't be in a hurry to change anything while trying to discern what you each ultimately want.

Galagirl
 
I'd like to suggest you read 2 books, along with your open communication and therapy sessions with your wife.

Sex at Dawn is an anthropological book about the history of the human sex drive. It's well researched, but written in layman's terms and is extremely interesting. The premise is that, like bonobo chimps, humans are, and always have been, wired to be promiscuous. Monogamy has been forced upon us by the current social/economic set up, and enforced by the patriarchy. No human is meant to pair bond monogamously for life. In fact, there is evidence that no animal is monogamous, not even the ones that are currently thought to be. DNA evidence of offspring confirms this.

The second book is more of a how-to on making polyamorous or other open relationships work for a couple that has been formerly practicing monogamy. It's called Opening Up.

These books would be excellent tools to aid in your vocabulary and understanding of how you're feeling and what to do about it.
 
Hello burgundy12345,

I would advise you to keep on being monogamous with your wife for at least a year. Give her that much time to think about poly and get used to the idea. In the meantime, keep going to therapy. Talk to your wife about poly during the therapy sessions, and talk to her about it between therapy sessions, within reason. Make room for other things the two of you want to talk about, don't inundate your wife with talk about poly, maybe just talk to her about it once every couple of weeks.

Here are a few resources for the mono/poly situation you're in:

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My Story

burgundy12345 said:
We've been married almost 20 years. But in the past year I realized I'm polyamorous. Raised relatively conservatively... so for most of my life I didn't even know there was such a thing as poly. Now I know - it's just part of who I am and it explains so much of my conflicting emotions.

Anyway – finally worked up the courage to tell her about how I've been feeling. It's been difficult for her to accept but she's working on it. We are going to therapy and that's helping. And she's fine with the idea of polyamory - for other people. Not for us. We entered into a monogamous marriage and that's what she wants.

I love my wife. We've been through so much together. We have a special relationships. We're each other's best friends. But I'm not sure what to do about this.

Any advice?
Click to expand...

You are living in the same place I am. I have opened up to my wife about how I feel and my desires, she didn't shut me down, but never talks about it, that's her way of dealing with everything, pretending its not there and maybe it will go away, but this is not going away. I would like to start by opening up our marriage and having 3sums, with the hope that one day there might be 3 of us living together, sharing life, maybe more. There are several other gals that I truly love and wish to have more of relationship with then friends. I have no desire have an affair and cheat, I want all this on the up and up and want her involved. But I guess if she is not poly and wants to remain monogamous, I'm stuck there as well.
 
alwaysready1970 said:
You are living in the same place I am. I have opened up to my wife about how I feel and my desires, she didn't shut me down, but never talks about it, that's her way of dealing with everything, pretending its not there and maybe it will go away, but this is not going away. I would like to start by opening up our marriage and having 3sums, with the hope that one day there might be 3 of us living together, sharing life, maybe more. There are several other gals that I truly love and wish to have more of relationship with then friends. I have no desire have an affair and cheat, I want all this on the up and up and want her involved. But I guess if she is not poly and wants to remain monogamous, I'm stuck there as well.
Click to expand...

What is the motivation for 3somes?

I'm asking because if I were in your shoes with a partner who tends to "turn a blind eye", I'd presume a "Don't ask, Don't tell" would be the most likely way forward with that partner rather than "watch and join me having sex with someone else".
 
alwaysready1970 said:
You are living in the same place I am. I have opened up to my wife about how I feel and my desires, she didn't shut me down, but never talks about it, that's her way of dealing with everything, pretending its not there and maybe it will go away, but this is not going away. I would like to start by opening up our marriage and having 3sums, with the hope that one day there might be 3 of us living together, sharing life, maybe more. There are several other gals that I truly love and wish to have more of relationship with then friends. I have no desire have an affair and cheat, I want all this on the up and up and want her involved. But I guess if she is not poly and wants to remain monogamous, I'm stuck there as well.
Click to expand...

It's OK, since you're new, but I'm going to have to burst your bubble. Experienced polyamorists will tell you that polyamory rarely, if ever, begins with FMF sex romps turning into long term 3way love affairs and successful nesting.

Men just love the sex fantasy of having 2 women in bed with them. It looks great in porn! lol

Consider this (all feelings and ideas people who are new to poly have experienced):

Try living with 2 women who are both vying for your attention. Who may feel competitive or territorial. Who both might be having PMS and their period simultaneously.

One might feel fat compared to the other, or too skinny, flat chested. One might feel too old, another might feel too young.

What new woman is going to want to move into another woman's home and not want to move in her own pots and pans and furniture and decorations? How will the established woman like that?

Who will cook (what and for whom), who will clean and how often and how well, who will do whose laundry?

Who gets the man to herself today for a date, and who gets to take whom to meet the family, or spend holidays?

Who gets to plan the birthday celebrations, and who will be invited?

Who is married to the man, and who is seen as The Other Woman, with no benefits or legal protections for herself or her kids?

Which friends can you tell about your poly life, and who would make (perhaps serious) trouble?

Who will get the sex that night, or the co-sleep?

Who wants to sleep 3 in a bed all night every night forever and ever until death do us part?

Who wouldn't want their own room instead, and rotate sleep and sex, depending on mood and health, and who needs to get up early the next morning for work, or to care for the kids?

Etc., etc.
 
Please

You need to make sure that she is on board. If you both are not on the same page, this could result in the demise of your marriage. Are you prepared for that outcome? Are you prepared for her to get on board and have her own relationships?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
What is the motivation for 3somes?

I'm asking because if I were in your shoes with a partner who tends to "turn a blind eye", I'd presume a "Don't ask, Don't tell" would be the most likely way forward with that partner rather than "watch and join me having sex with someone else".
Click to expand...


Well the reason for 3sum/4sum is for the pure physical sexual enjoyment. I don't want to cheat (have an affair) that does not appeal to me. Its the thrill of the 3 or 4 of us together, letting all guards down and enjoying each other fully. I also want to see my wife with another man and enjoy the show.

Beyond that, being poly for me is about knowing and loving more than one person. There are a few friends that are very dear to me and I would like to take that further, but have no desire to leave my wife.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's OK, since you're new, but I'm going to have to burst your bubble. Experienced polyamorists will tell you that polyamory rarely, if ever, begins with FMF sex romps turning into long term 3way love affairs and successful nesting.

Men just love the sex fantasy of having 2 women in bed with them. It looks great in porn! lol

Consider this (all feelings and ideas people who are new to poly have experienced):

Try living with 2 women who are both vying for your attention. Who may feel competitive or territorial. Who both might be having PMS and their period simultaneously.

One might feel fat compared to the other, or too skinny, flat chested. One might feel too old, another might feel too young.

What new woman is going to want to move into another woman's home and not want to move in her own pots and pans and furniture and decorations? How will the established woman like that?

Who will cook (what and for whom), who will clean and how often and how well, who will do whose laundry?

Who gets the man to herself today for a date, and who gets to take whom to meet the family, or spend holidays?

Who gets to plan the birthday celebrations, and who will be invited?

Who is married to the man, and who is seen as The Other Woman, with no benefits or legal protections for herself or her kids?

Which friends can you tell about your poly life, and who would make (perhaps serious) trouble?

Who will get the sex that night, or the co-sleep?

Who wants to sleep 3 in a bed all night every night forever and ever until death do us part?

Who wouldn't want their own room instead, and rotate sleep and sex, depending on mood and health, and who needs to get up early the next morning for work, or to care for the kids?

Etc., etc.
Click to expand...

I'm not saying I want to start with a 3sum/4sum, just saying I would enjoy that, to me sexual exploration and being poly are two different things.

I already have a few really close friends, who are also very close friends with my wife. It would be great to go to dinner, maybe a vacation together. That part actually intrigues me more than having sex with them. You seem to be hung up on the mechanics of making a poly relationship work, for sure those are all real issues to be dealt with if we were ever to get to a situation of co-habitation, which I would like (I think) as my ultimate goal. But we are a looooong way from that. For now I am interested in exploring my feelings, thoughts, desires to see where it goes. I can dream.....
 
alwaysready1970 said:
Well the reason for 3sum/4sum is for the pure physical sexual enjoyment. I don't want to cheat (have an affair) that does not appeal to me. Its the thrill of the 3 or 4 of us together, letting all guards down and enjoying each other fully. I also want to see my wife with another man and enjoy the show.

Beyond that, being poly for me is about knowing and loving more than one person. There are a few friends that are very dear to me and I would like to take that further, but have no desire to leave my wife.
Click to expand...


Yeah, you see the reality of that is you're watching your partner enjoy sex with someone else. It might sound hot but when you're watching someone else pleasure your partner in ways you could only dream of, the most common response is jealousy and insecurity. Not arousal.

Your wife will not even talk about the possibility of moving away from monogamy so why the hell would she want to watch you have sex with other people?

You're speaking as if that is beginner level poly when in fact, I and many other poly people would see that as advanced level poly that many of us do not even desire.

That's why I am saying that with your wife, a Don't Ask, Don't Tell relationship seems more feasible than one that involves group sex. It allows your wife to take her preferred stance of turning a blind eye.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Yeah, you see the reality of that is you're watching your partner enjoy sex with someone else. It might sound hot but when you're watching someone else pleasure your partner in ways you could only dream of, the most common response is jealousy and insecurity. Not arousal.

Your wife will not even talk about the possibility of moving away from monogamy so why the hell would she want to watch you have sex with other people?

You're speaking as if that is beginner level poly when in fact, I and many other poly people would see that as advanced level poly that many of us do not even desire.

That's why I am saying that with your wife, a Don't Ask, Don't Tell relationship seems more feasible than one that involves group sex. It allows your wife to take her preferred stance of turning a blind eye.
Click to expand...


You're one debbie downer!! Also, who said my wife will not even talk about the possibility?? We talk about it all the time, she's not ready at the moment, and may never be ready, but maybe she will. Just last night, during awesome sex, we talked about a beautiful blonde joining us for a night of fun.

I'm learning, exploring and dreaming, stop shitting all over my dreams!!
 
Let me preface my response by saying, please be polite. Everyone here is adults and we speak from our own, often deep and wide experience. Also, this is polyamory.com, not groupsex.com, so most of us are coming from a "multiple love relationship" place, not a, "let's get it on with casual group sex" place.

burgundy12345 said:
We've been married almost 20 years. But in the past year I realized I'm polyamorous. I was raised relatively conservatively, so for most of my life I didn't even know there was such a thing as poly. Now I know it's just part of who I am, and it explains so much about my conflicting emotions.

Anyway, I finally worked up the courage to tell her about how I've been feeling. It's been difficult for her to accept, but she's working on it. We are going to therapy and that's helping. And she's fine with the idea of polyamory, for other people. Not for us. We entered into a monogamous marriage and that's what she wants.

I love my wife. We've been through so much together. We have a special relationship. We're each other's best friends. But I'm not sure what to do about this. Any advice?
Click to expand...

So far, our advice is, let your wife be your wife. She's not interested in polyamory or group sex for herself. She wants to be mono and have a mono husband. We usually recommend against coercing partners. If you need to be polyamorous, or even just polysexual, you might need to split with your wife.

Maybe you can "wear her down" and get her to agree, just to get you off her back. How do you think you'd like that kind of "consent," though?

alwaysready1970 said:
You are living in the same place I am. I have opened up to my wife about how I feel, and my desires, and she didn't shut me down.

But she never talks about it. That's her way of dealing with everything, pretending it's not there and hoping maybe it will go away...
Click to expand...

To do an open marriage, you need complete openness and transparency and really good communication skills. If you don't have that, you won't be able to do polyamory. But you might be able to cheat, or arrange a "don't ask, don't tell" situation, which is sure to drive an emotional wedge between you.

... but this is not going away. I would like to start by opening up our marriage and having 3sums, with the hope that one day there might be 3 of us living together, sharing life, maybe more.

There are several other gals that I truly love and wish to have more of relationship with, than just friends. I have no desire have an affair and cheat. I want all this on the up and up, and I want her involved. But I guess if she is not poly and wants to remain monogamous, I'm stuck there as well.
Click to expand...

Yes, you are stuck. It's cheating or DADT. Or break up and find poly partners.

alwaysready1970 said:
Well the reason for 3sum/4sum is for the pure physical sexual enjoyment. I don't want to cheat (have an affair). That does not appeal to me. It's the thrill of the 3 or 4 of us together, letting all guards down and enjoying each other fully. I also want to see my wife with another man and enjoy the show.

Beyond that, being poly for me is about knowing and loving more than one person. There are a few friends that are very dear to me, and I would like to take that further, but have no desire to leave my wife.
Click to expand...

I hear what you want. I hear you have fantasies. Fantasy and reality are two different things. Making a fantasy a reality entails work, especially if you and your wife were raised and now live in a conservative area, and have conservative families (and friends).

alwaysready1970 said:
I'm not saying I want to start with a 3sum/4sum, I'm just saying I would enjoy that. To me, sexual exploration and being poly are two different things.

I already have a few really close friends, who are also very close friends with my wife. It would be great to go to dinner, maybe take a vacation together. That part actually intrigues me more than having sex with them.
Click to expand...

There's nothing stopping you from dining and vacationing with friends. (Except Covid, of course.) Many, if not most people do this all the time. Add sex, it gets sticky. We live in a monogamous world. If you want to Open your marriage to group sex or polyamory, you have an uphill battle.

You seem to be hung up on the mechanics of making a poly relationship work.
Click to expand...

As I said above, this is polyamory.com here. So that's the kind of feedback you're going to get.

For sure, those are all real issues to be dealt with, if we were ever to get to a situation of co-habitation, which I would like (I think) as my ultimate goal. But we are a looooong way from that. For now I am interested in exploring my feelings, thoughts, and desires to see where it goes. I can dream...
Click to expand...

Sure, you can dream. But you asked for advice. If you just want to dream, feel free to start a blog here in our journal section. No one will comment there, unless you invite it. It's a great way to get things off your chest.

alwaysready1970 said:
You're one Debbie Downer!! Also, who said my wife will not even talk about the possibility?? We talk about it all the time. She's not ready at the moment, and may never be ready, but maybe she will. Just last night, during awesome sex, we talked about a beautiful blonde joining us for a night of fun.

I'm learning, exploring and dreaming, stop shitting all over my dreams!!
Click to expand...

Again, fantasy is one thing, practicing polyamory or group sex is something else. Fantasizing and doing role play during one on one sex is great, and I hope you both enjoyed it.
 
alwaysready1970 said:
You are living in the same place I am. I have opened up to my wife about how I feel and my desires, she didn't shut me down, but never talks about it, that's her way of dealing with everything, pretending its not there and maybe it will go away, but this is not going away. I would like to start by opening up our marriage and having 3sums, with the hope that one day there might be 3 of us living together, sharing life, maybe more. There are several other gals that I truly love and wish to have more of relationship with then friends. I have no desire have an affair and cheat, I want all this on the up and up and want her involved. But I guess if she is not poly and wants to remain monogamous, I'm stuck there as well.
Click to expand...

If you see my highlighted text in this quote, you'll see where you said your wife has a tendency to ignore things that are inconvenient or painful. This isn't conducive with group sex. It might be conducive with a DADT.
 
I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts.

If you wife would ever be open to it, you two could try swinging for the group sex experience. Some people enjoy this. And some swingers do get into close friendly relationships with their sex parnters. But the relationships remain "couple-centric" to protect the primary partner's marriages or relationships.

And by the way, you did say you wanted to "start with a 3sum." Then you said you did not say that.

For many men, living together with 2 women in a FMF relationship is the top fantasy. But this kind of V or triad hardly ever works. It's very challenging for the new woman to feel comfortable in this kind of configuration. She has no legal protections. She might feel "lesser than" and a "third wheel." And she might be kept as a "dirty little secret" especially if there are children involved, or conservative family around who would be shocked and disgusted by this arrangement.

There would be issues with inviting her to work or family get togethers. She might not be welcome. You all could be socially ostracized or worse.

Finally, if you have friends you want to eat, drink and vacation with, beware. It does happen that adult friends get drunk and fall into bed together, and regret it very much in the morning. This kind of thing is best done soberly and using common sense and good planning.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Yeah, you see the reality of that is you're watching your partner enjoy sex with someone else. It might sound hot but when you're watching someone else pleasure your partner in ways you could only dream of, the most common response is jealousy and insecurity. Not arousal.

Your wife will not even talk about the possibility of moving away from monogamy so why the hell would she want to watch you have sex with other people?

You're speaking as if that is beginner level poly when in fact, I and many other poly people would see that as advanced level poly that many of us do not even desire.

That's why I am saying that with your wife, a Don't Ask, Don't Tell relationship seems more feasible than one that involves group sex. It allows your wife to take her preferred stance of turning a blind eye.
Click to expand...

I see it as beginner level in the sense that swinging and threesomes are how most couples test the waters of non-monogamy while not being truly non-monogamous. I think mono people feel a certain sense of comfort in being in the room or participating. It allows them to keep an eye on their partner. It also allows them to have sex with someone else without feeling guilty. Some also see it as a way of softening up their partner. So in their eyes poly is the more advanced model because it involves a much higher level of trust.

I had a girlfriend who was very jealous. The funny thing was she had absolutely no problem with threesomes. She had no problem watching me fuck another woman, but god forbid I would have sex with someone on my own. She felt more secure doing it as a couple. I love threesomes, but I can't imagine a life where that was the only sex I could have. That would truly suck.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I see it as beginner level in the sense that swinging and threesomes are how most couples test the waters of non-monogamy while not being truly non-monogamous. I think mono people feel a certain sense of comfort in being in the room or participating. It allows them to keep an eye on their partner. It also allows them to have sex with someone else without feeling guilty. Some also see it as a way of softening up their partner. So in their eyes poly is the more advanced model because it involves a much higher level of trust.

I had a girlfriend who was very jealous. The funny thing was she had absolutely no problem with threesomes. She had no problem watching me fuck another woman, but god forbid I would have sex with someone on my own. She felt more secure doing it as a couple. I love threesomes, but I can't imagine a life where that was the only sex I could have. That would truly suck.
Click to expand...

But you'll also find that those explorations into group sex by monogamous couples are often negative experiences for at least one of the people involved. While the couple might think sharing in this way will avoid issues, it is rarely the case from what I've seen.

Sure some people like your ex view group sex as a way of having control of the situation but from what I've seen, more people are unable to actually handle watching despite their belief it would be less threatening.

Additionally, this person, unlike most of those people, has already acknowledged that turning a blind eye is his wife's usual way of dealing with things. That's why it is even more illogical, in my view, to think group sex will ever be mutually satisfying for her. That's why I asked. He basically said his wife gets through life ostrich-like in one breath and hopefully she will be up for watching me fuck people the next.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I see it as beginner level in the sense that swinging and threesomes are how most couples test the waters of non-monogamy while not being truly non-monogamous. I think mono people feel a certain sense of comfort in being in the room or participating. It allows them to keep an eye on their partner. It also allows them to have sex with someone else without feeling guilty. Some also see it as a way of softening up their partner. So in their eyes poly is the more advanced model because it involves a much higher level of trust.
Click to expand...

This may be the most common way, although I haven't seen statistics, so it's just speculation. Even if it's common, it's not very useful, pertinent,risk free or healthy, as Seasoned point out.

We're here to say that modern polyamory is most successfully practiced by people who think of themselves as individuals, with specific needs, whether partnered/married or not. "Doing it together" is the realm of swinging. Now, sometimes swinging leads to polyamory, but it's usually traumatic for all involved anyway. "Disentagling" needs to happen either way.

I had a girlfriend who was very jealous. The funny thing was she had absolutely no problem with threesomes. She had no problem watching me fuck another woman, but god forbid I would have sex with someone on my own. She felt more secure doing it as a couple.
Click to expand...

That's a swinger mindset.

I love threesomes, but I can't imagine a life where that was the only sex I could have. That would truly suck.
Click to expand...

Threesomes have their pros and cons, that's for sure. (I don't mean 2 going at it and one watching, but all 3 involved in sexual activity at the same time.) And there is a definite skill set that is required that comes from excellent communication, manners, trust and practice.
 
That wasn't even close to a swinger mindset. It only happened because we all had feelings for each other. Her jealousy got in the way of having a healthy triad.

Edit: or I should say she wasn't a swinger, even though she had some of the same insecurities.
 
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