Advice for MF couple wanting to add a gf

[WolfPack]

Hello everyone. We are a MF (M 38, F 42) couple looking at possibly adding a gf to the mix for both of us.

So, where it all started: 9 years ago I met the guy that turned out to be the love of my life. The catch was he wasn't going to change his lifestyle for anyone, meaning he was not giving up his FWB, which i found intriguing. We decide that we are going to start a relationship and after a few months of dating we moved in with each other. Been living together for 8yrs. Throughout those 8 yrs had many MFF experiences as I was bi-curious at the time.

In the last year, have been realizing I might actually be poly, and brought this up to his attention. So for the last year we have been discussing the possibility of adding another woman to the family. So now that upon discussion he approached me and asked my thoughts on adding another woman. I have been supportive of this since we met. but when he asked if i want a gf for me and him i was caught off guard. Was he really accepting that he's been poly all along, and somewhat brought me along for the ride, or are we simply a couple that enjoys an occasional threesome?

So as I've said, for the last year this has been in discussion between the two of us and the conclusion we have come to is we at this point are poly curious and need support and advice as we start our journey in what may or may not be for us.

 

[Magdlyn]

You can start reading about polyamory in general here, from our resource list.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

You might look into why it is more successful for couples to date independently, rather than attempting to "bring in a third to share," which rarely works. In other words, you date your own new gf (or bf, as the case may be), and he dates his, because the likelihood that you'd both find ONE woman who loves you both equally, and you both love equally, is extremely slim, and can be quite painful to find out.

Explanations:

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...

www.readyforpolyamory.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

 

[kdt26417]

Hello WolfPack,

I hope you can find the right woman for you, let me know if there's any way I can help. It sounds like you are just at the beginning of your poly journey, even though you have had quite a few nonmonogamous encounters.

Good luck,
Kevin T.

 

[Sisilisko]

A bit of context: I use the word polyamory for long-term relationships involving serious commitment. I am myself in a V-shaped polycule (FMF: Fasaani has two partners, but neither Hiiri nor I have any other partner than him). It's almost the case that he is a full-time partner to me, and is simultaneously a full-time partner to Hiiri - not an easy feat, if you ask me!

Among the polyamorous friends I have, there is one V (FMF) that is similar to ours, in terms of commitment and living arrangements, and another V (MFM) which is more hierarchical (a cohabiting couple with kids, the other partner lives separately and spends much less time with the hinge). I've also briefly been a hinge, and my impression was that it requires quite a bit of wisdom, especially when there's New Relationship Energy (NRE) towards only one partner. All of these relationships came into being because one person in an established couple fell in love outside of the original relationship.

In my experience, polyamory places as many demands on all polycule members as does monogamy. There's a household or two to be taken care of, meals to be cooked, bills, sick kids, you name it. There are also all of the emotional issues, misunderstandings, disappointments, and arguments, as there would be in a monogamous relationship. But in addition, there is a whole extra portion of demands that are specific to polyamory; there are metamour relationships, jealousy, lots of scheduling, and there may be higher financial costs per person.

I would warn you against opening up your relationship unless you have a serious motivation that will then help you overcome the obstacles. Reasons that are strong enough include, "My husband fell in love with another woman, and after much emotional turmoil, has asked me to allow him to go for that relationship; I said yes because I love him, AND I know he loves me enough to make the scary time of opening up as safe for me as possible," and "I really love my husband, and don't see a reason to leave that relationship, but there's a need he isn't able to meet, and we have decided together that it's ok if I look for another partner for that." But I don't think a vague feeling that another person might enrich your lives is a strong enough motivation to get you through the hard parts of opening up.

I also believe it's likely that one of you has intrinsic motivation to open up the relationship, while the other one is willing to accommodate for that wish. That's fair, and it's not a problem. It can be a "we" decision, even if it is "My husband found out he'd like to have another long-term relationship, and after much discussion, I feel safe enough to support him in doing so" (or the other way round). But I think it would be a healthier foundation for the future relationship(s) if you were clear about that, and if you let the person who wants to have another relationship have it, without obliging the other partner to be involved in that relationship, also. Dating a metamour doesn't make things any simpler than just trying to get to know them, and, if there's sympathy, be friends with them.

Last but not least, I've always found it's so much easier to build a good relationship with someone who's crossed your path while you were both simply living and enjoying your lives, than to purposefully try to find a partner. This is true of monogamous dating. I know only one long-term couple who have met through a dating app. I believe this is even more true of polyamorous dating. But it's very unlikely you'll just run into someone who will want to date both of you at the same time, unless maybe one of your casual partners becomes more involved over time. So if you decide to look for a gf for both of you, you'll have to go the awkward way, which I think does not make finding a suitable partner very likely.