Advice from my poly peers...

jokutus

jokutus

New member
Well, after my encounter with the psycho woman, I decided to stop looking for awhile. Inevitably, when you stop looking for something, it finds you.

My partner Erica and I are members of several communities (atheist and child-free) and are out (from a poly standpoint) to our friends. In fact, Erica tells everyone, where sometimes I would rather keep it to ourselves.

Now, our atheist group has an overlap with another atheist group that is in the same general area. This is how I met Blake. It was well over a year ago at a mutual friend's birthday party. I found her attractive, but never gave her a second thought.

We started bumping into each other at certain events and I realized she was kinda growing on me. Each time we me at the same event, I noticed there was a certain chemistry growing between us. It got to the point where we would be the last ones talking at events. I caught her staring at me and she caught me doing the same.

Blake is also friends with Erica and her and group of friends.

So last Sunday, Blake and I had breakfast and lunch together with a decent-sized group of friends. I walked her to her car and we talked. I asked her what she was looking for romantically. She started to list several features.
I joked, "I guess I am out of the running." She giggled.
I looked into her eyes and said, "I really like you, Blake."
She said "I like you too, but..."
"It's the poly thing" I said.
She agreed. "I just don't want to get between you and Erica."
I nodded, kind of shocked, because it felt like everything had been going so well. I turned to go to my car. "Is it just the poly part?" I asked, before I started to walk away.
She said "Yeah."
I replied, "Okay."

I have been miserable for the last week over this. I can't sleep or eat because I feel like I am going crazy. My closest friends have both told me to cheer up, that there is still a possibility that she may need time to mull it over. Even Erica has offered to talk to her and let her know that its okay to go out with me. Everyone thinks we are a great match.

I think if it were a simple overnight encounter, I wouldn't be this messed up. But when the fires of romantic interest burn slow, I guess they are harder to extinguish.

So, my question to my "poly peers" is, what should I do? Should I sit down and talk to her? Should I let Erica talk to her? Should I let it go and maybe bring it up a few months down the road? Do I just forget about it? I don't seem to be thinking in a logical manner, but with pure blinding emotion.

Has anyone had any success in a situation like this? Do people change their minds over time or is this a lost cause? Why does it feel like I have lost a really great relationship when it didn't even start?

Help me, guys. I feel like I am going crazy.
 
I wouldn't give up hope. I was approached by Ovid for a polyamorous relationship, but it took me a while to process what he was asking, and then more time to be okay with it. I flat-out said no at first. But I really liked him, so eventually I decided to give it a try.

It depends so much on the person, but maybe she's never considered a poly relationship before. That shift can take time. Or maybe she wants to have a greater priority than she could with you, and would want to be your primary partner. Who knows? But I think it's worth talking about some more.
 
You don't have enough information yet.

What about the "poly part" is bothering her?

  • Is she looking for a traditional mono relationship? (This would be the dealbreaker.)
  • Is she afraid to try something new?
  • Is she concerned about polyamory in general?
  • Is she worried about how others might see her?
  • Has she met a poly jerk, and doesn't want anything to do with polyamorous people?

Or, as Ray said, maybe she just needs time to think about it. If it is "just" that she doesn't want to get between you and Erica, she may need to spend some more time thinking. Then the next time you and Erica run into her, you can invite her to coffee/casual time together.

Obviously the conversations are delightful/interesting. Let her see your relationship... how it works, how it has worked in the past.
 
I just think I'm nervous about how to approach Blake. Should I bring it up again next time I see her, or should I let it lie?

Erica and Blake are exact opposites. Erica is much more outgoing. She is the kind of person who drags people out to the dance floor when no one is dancing. Blake is much more introverted.

I don't know how to approach her again.
 
If Blake is afraid of "getting in the way," but Erica is all right with it, then explain that to Blake. I think Erica explaining to Blake could help too. But if Blake just doesn't like the idea of poly, I'd say leave it at that. Trying to push her into it could make things even harder. Maybe down the road, she will change her mind, and realise polyamory was for her all along.
 
Hey Jokutus,

I wish I had some positive experience to draw on to pass on to you, but I don't. I've been in this situation a few times and not yet had a positive turnaround. I connected with several girls. We were very close and had lots of warm vibes, affection and respect. But they couldn't cross that bridge.

If I wanted to play amateur psychologist, I'd suspect it was based on several primary factors.

1. Common perceptions of such arrangements as doomed, unacceptable, complicated, maybe some bogus moral standpoint, etc.

2. Insecurity-- the mindset that such things always bring some form of 'competition' and they lack confidence to engage.

3. A need for some element of control, especially veto rights. Knowing from the beginning that one is only part of a team, or tribe, changes the political aspirations.

There are others, but these seem to be the most common present in some variable proportion.

I think the only hope is to try to stay friends and to be as transparent as possible. Let her see that it actually IS workable. Of course, in order to do that, you have to do it right and make it workable.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
I think the only hope is to try to stay friends, and to be as transparent as possible. Let her see that it actually IS workable. Of course, in order to do that, you have to do it right and make it workable.
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Agreed. It takes time, too, so be prepared for that. Stay respectful, keep your word and be there. That's it. The rest is up to her, I think.
 
I will also add that Ovid waited at least a couple of months before overtly bringing anything up. And then it was another month or so before the ball really got rolling. We knew each other 7 or 8 months before we started dating, so I had a while to shift perspectives. The idea definitely freaked me out at first. Mainly because I was afraid God was going to strike me down. But my curiosity won in the end.
 
clairegoad said:
You don't have enough information yet.

What about the "poly part" is bothering her?

Obviously the conversations are delightful/interesting. Let her see your relationship, how it works, how it has worked in the past.
Click to expand...

I agree. Jokutus, from my experience: don't give up hope, but at the same time, don't push. Just keep up the friendship and good conversations about other stuff. Probably at some point she'll ask questions. Curiosity gets the better of most people, plus it sounds like she is into you. That's your opportunity to explain and learn what she's thinking. Eventually, if she never does it, open the conversation once from your side, a short discussion about how you do polyamory. Let her know you're still interested if she changes her mind, but you won't raise it again.

Worst case scenario, you've built a good friendship that doesn't lead to a relationship.
 
Just a quick check-in regarding the whole situation. After my having a terrible 2-month long relationship with a woman (she actually blamed Erica for breaking us up, which makes no sense), Blake and I decided to go to a local sci-fi convention. On the drive up we were just chit-chatting, and she asked about Erica's "boytoy." I told her they weren't together anymore, which led her to ask me about my previous relationship. After the whole story, she said something along the lines of "No one really understood why you were dating her anyway. She was pretty loopy, even for you!" Out of the blue, she started asking more poly questions.

We had a great time at the con. It felt very natural. Everyone has noticed how her body language changes when I am around. Here's the kicker-- she is now in a relationship that no one understands. The guy is annoying! He gets really defensive around me. Blake and I pick and poke at each other.

Every time we are at dinner, or go to a group event, I catch her staring at me.

I dunno, it is probably wishful thinking. As far as dating around, I've kinda given up. The pond really sucks out here. But if she asked, I would in a heartbeat.

It sucks, because we are good friends, but i start analyzing everything. I'm going out of my head! We sat down last night and her BF didn't even pay attention to her. So she turned to me.

Being friends in this capacity is really mentally draining, which makes me think putting myself in a voluntary exile may be helpful.

What do you guys think?
 
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