tasticerror
New member
TL;DR: my partner is looking to re-escalate with his ex-wife. While he is free to do so according to the terms of our non-hierarchical poly partnership, it is a boundary for me to be involved in a polycule with this person (i.e. escalating romantically and/or sexually with his ex-wife means I will de-escalate the romantic and sexual sides of our partnership).
He feels my boundary is controlling, while I feel it is reasonable and necessary to protect myself from an emotionally fraught situation with high risk and potential for harm/pain/hurt for me. Any suggestions or advice on how to navigate this? More context below.
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Hi there, using a throwaway here and hoping to get some perspective and advice on a sticky situation that's arisen in my non-hierarchical poly partnership. I will start out by saying that I really want to maintain relationality with this person as he is incredibly important to me. He is the first person I've dated in 35 years that I could see myself retiring with, and our compatibility in terms of sexuality and experimentation is the highest I've experienced.
I have been dating my partner for 18 months in a non-hierarchical poly partnership. When we started dating in January 2023, he was also dating his ex-wife (married for 10+ years, separated but not yet divorced) in a non-hierarchical poly relationship that they had struck up in the wake of their separation during the pandemic (both with zero past non-monogamy experience prior from what I understand). They are co-parents to their two children (both teenagers, one of whom is an adult). I was aware that this was a messy situation for me to jump into, for a number of reasons, but the strength of the connection and compatibility made me want to give the dynamic a chance.
While she was my meta, we had a limited number of interactions that were fairly polite and neutral, meeting up a few times without our partner and texting on occasion - effectively garden party-esque poly. In summer 2023, they de-escalated the sexual and romantic sides of their partnership. While she was no longer technically my meta, I tried to maintain a healthy cordial but distant dynamic between us given the important role she holds in my partner's life as co-parent and family.
Despite these efforts, since then, there have been a limited number of interactions with his ex-wife, most of which have been neutral to challenging. These interactions hit a low point in February 2024 where the limited time that my partner and I spend together was repeatedly infringed upon either directly or indirectly by tension and challenges between my partner and his ex-wife. I flagged this issue to my partner, who acknowledged the pain and strain on our dynamic. From what I understand and to his credit, he took steps to create better boundaries between him and his ex-wife, including selling and moving out of the family home they shared during their marriage (they have not lived together since 2019), a process he is still moving through.
These efforts helped improve the health of our partnership, though it has been experiencing additional strain and stress from a variety of sources all throughout the period from February through now. My partner has had severely limited emotional capacity for me and our partnership throughout this year due to starting a new job, buying and renovating a new house while preparing to sell his old one, and ongoing complexity of parenting and relating to his ex-wife. I've tried to be understanding, patient and supportive through this period of scarcity, with much pain and hurt to show for it as I've deferred and sidelined my needs (both due to my choice and his request) in order to minimize the draw on his capacity from our partnership while he works through this period of change.
It is against this backdrop of a relationship that is already stretched and strained with a partner who is stretched and strained that my partner floated by me the intention of seeking re-escalation (sexual and potentially romantic) with his ex-wife over the summer (in addition to escalation with another person he has gone on a few dates with, which I have concerns about regarding timing and capacity but otherwise fully support). My experiences of the recent past with my partner and his incredibly limited capacity for emotional care and consideration (as well as even just time to connect, let alone be together in person), as well as the complexity and nature of his dynamic with his ex-wife (with kids in the mix, too), has me anticipating only hurt and pain being involved in a polycule where they are engaged in romantic and/or sexual partnership together.
When he asked for my thoughts about this prospect, I reflected deeply on my own and with others (such as my therapist) about how I felt. I shared honestly and directly with him, as he requested, stating that while I respect and support his decision to pursue this escalation as it is within the terms of our poly arrangement, I do not want to be involved in a polycule with him and his ex-wife at this time. There are a number of reasons for this, including the shaky and weak state of our partnership since February, his reduced emotional capacity and time availability, past data and indications of his ex-wife's emotional maturity and approach to poly, and my own need to prioritize peace and healing in the wake of a very difficult and taxing stretch of years full of grief and pain.
As a result, I said that if he and his ex-wife choose to escalate sexually and/or romantically, I will need to de-escalate the romantic and sexual side of our dynamic to protect myself. I also shared concerns about the timing of this choice (with such limited capacity and high stress from other sources for him, as well as the tenuous state of our partnership that has been starved of capacity) and cautions about continuing to drag out the emotional disconnection and healing process that he himself told me the two of them have failed to do because they chose to continue sleeping together and dating as poly partners after their separation.
While we discussed de-escalating (whether temporarily or more ongoing) between him and I last week when we had a challenging, tearful talk about this, we both stated that we didn't want to do that unless absolutely necessary. As an attempt at being flexible and finding a middle path, I ended up bending what had previously been a firm boundary for me and suggesting that we treat the next month as an experimental container (since he and I wouldn't be seeing each other much over this period, due to his moving as well as previously planned vacations that include his ex-wife but not me) where he can explore the potential possibility of re-escalation with his ex-wife while remaining in partnership with me, with our usual agreements in place.
Throughout that period I said I intend to monitor how I feel, how things between he and I feel, how things with his ex-wife feel, and use that data, in addition to the clarity they will hopefully have about the trajectory of their re-escalation, to determine what changes (if any) feel necessary to our partnership.
I feel incredibly torn and crappy about all of this (definitely have had my AITA? moments all throughout). I know ultimatums are generally looked down upon in the poly world, and I can see how my boundary could be viewed as such. However I have to respect and honour my needs, especially my legitimate concern about hurt and harm that I foresee coming from this choice, grounded in past experience and evidence as well as common wisdom about getting involved with exes (especially ex-spouses who are co-parents). I have repeatedly stated I have no intention to control or stop my partner from taking these steps; he is free to do so, just as I am free to take my own steps accordingly.
My partner is having a hard time (understandably) distinguishing between my boundary and feeling controlled. He knows there's past traumas from his experiences with his ex-wife that are coming into play, in addition to the inherent messiness of the situation. I have been asking around to get various perspectives and thought this might be a good forum for some insight - have others been through similar things?
Advice or suggestions on how to navigate this in a way that respects the needs and boundaries of all involved? Am I being unreasonable in setting such a firm boundary, and throwing away what was, especially for the first year, a very nourishing and healthy relationship? Are there other paths that we're not thinking of, or things worth trying? Haaaaaalp, I really don't want to lose this beautiful partnership if possible!
He feels my boundary is controlling, while I feel it is reasonable and necessary to protect myself from an emotionally fraught situation with high risk and potential for harm/pain/hurt for me. Any suggestions or advice on how to navigate this? More context below.
---
Hi there, using a throwaway here and hoping to get some perspective and advice on a sticky situation that's arisen in my non-hierarchical poly partnership. I will start out by saying that I really want to maintain relationality with this person as he is incredibly important to me. He is the first person I've dated in 35 years that I could see myself retiring with, and our compatibility in terms of sexuality and experimentation is the highest I've experienced.
I have been dating my partner for 18 months in a non-hierarchical poly partnership. When we started dating in January 2023, he was also dating his ex-wife (married for 10+ years, separated but not yet divorced) in a non-hierarchical poly relationship that they had struck up in the wake of their separation during the pandemic (both with zero past non-monogamy experience prior from what I understand). They are co-parents to their two children (both teenagers, one of whom is an adult). I was aware that this was a messy situation for me to jump into, for a number of reasons, but the strength of the connection and compatibility made me want to give the dynamic a chance.
While she was my meta, we had a limited number of interactions that were fairly polite and neutral, meeting up a few times without our partner and texting on occasion - effectively garden party-esque poly. In summer 2023, they de-escalated the sexual and romantic sides of their partnership. While she was no longer technically my meta, I tried to maintain a healthy cordial but distant dynamic between us given the important role she holds in my partner's life as co-parent and family.
Despite these efforts, since then, there have been a limited number of interactions with his ex-wife, most of which have been neutral to challenging. These interactions hit a low point in February 2024 where the limited time that my partner and I spend together was repeatedly infringed upon either directly or indirectly by tension and challenges between my partner and his ex-wife. I flagged this issue to my partner, who acknowledged the pain and strain on our dynamic. From what I understand and to his credit, he took steps to create better boundaries between him and his ex-wife, including selling and moving out of the family home they shared during their marriage (they have not lived together since 2019), a process he is still moving through.
These efforts helped improve the health of our partnership, though it has been experiencing additional strain and stress from a variety of sources all throughout the period from February through now. My partner has had severely limited emotional capacity for me and our partnership throughout this year due to starting a new job, buying and renovating a new house while preparing to sell his old one, and ongoing complexity of parenting and relating to his ex-wife. I've tried to be understanding, patient and supportive through this period of scarcity, with much pain and hurt to show for it as I've deferred and sidelined my needs (both due to my choice and his request) in order to minimize the draw on his capacity from our partnership while he works through this period of change.
It is against this backdrop of a relationship that is already stretched and strained with a partner who is stretched and strained that my partner floated by me the intention of seeking re-escalation (sexual and potentially romantic) with his ex-wife over the summer (in addition to escalation with another person he has gone on a few dates with, which I have concerns about regarding timing and capacity but otherwise fully support). My experiences of the recent past with my partner and his incredibly limited capacity for emotional care and consideration (as well as even just time to connect, let alone be together in person), as well as the complexity and nature of his dynamic with his ex-wife (with kids in the mix, too), has me anticipating only hurt and pain being involved in a polycule where they are engaged in romantic and/or sexual partnership together.
When he asked for my thoughts about this prospect, I reflected deeply on my own and with others (such as my therapist) about how I felt. I shared honestly and directly with him, as he requested, stating that while I respect and support his decision to pursue this escalation as it is within the terms of our poly arrangement, I do not want to be involved in a polycule with him and his ex-wife at this time. There are a number of reasons for this, including the shaky and weak state of our partnership since February, his reduced emotional capacity and time availability, past data and indications of his ex-wife's emotional maturity and approach to poly, and my own need to prioritize peace and healing in the wake of a very difficult and taxing stretch of years full of grief and pain.
As a result, I said that if he and his ex-wife choose to escalate sexually and/or romantically, I will need to de-escalate the romantic and sexual side of our dynamic to protect myself. I also shared concerns about the timing of this choice (with such limited capacity and high stress from other sources for him, as well as the tenuous state of our partnership that has been starved of capacity) and cautions about continuing to drag out the emotional disconnection and healing process that he himself told me the two of them have failed to do because they chose to continue sleeping together and dating as poly partners after their separation.
While we discussed de-escalating (whether temporarily or more ongoing) between him and I last week when we had a challenging, tearful talk about this, we both stated that we didn't want to do that unless absolutely necessary. As an attempt at being flexible and finding a middle path, I ended up bending what had previously been a firm boundary for me and suggesting that we treat the next month as an experimental container (since he and I wouldn't be seeing each other much over this period, due to his moving as well as previously planned vacations that include his ex-wife but not me) where he can explore the potential possibility of re-escalation with his ex-wife while remaining in partnership with me, with our usual agreements in place.
Throughout that period I said I intend to monitor how I feel, how things between he and I feel, how things with his ex-wife feel, and use that data, in addition to the clarity they will hopefully have about the trajectory of their re-escalation, to determine what changes (if any) feel necessary to our partnership.
I feel incredibly torn and crappy about all of this (definitely have had my AITA? moments all throughout). I know ultimatums are generally looked down upon in the poly world, and I can see how my boundary could be viewed as such. However I have to respect and honour my needs, especially my legitimate concern about hurt and harm that I foresee coming from this choice, grounded in past experience and evidence as well as common wisdom about getting involved with exes (especially ex-spouses who are co-parents). I have repeatedly stated I have no intention to control or stop my partner from taking these steps; he is free to do so, just as I am free to take my own steps accordingly.
My partner is having a hard time (understandably) distinguishing between my boundary and feeling controlled. He knows there's past traumas from his experiences with his ex-wife that are coming into play, in addition to the inherent messiness of the situation. I have been asking around to get various perspectives and thought this might be a good forum for some insight - have others been through similar things?
Advice or suggestions on how to navigate this in a way that respects the needs and boundaries of all involved? Am I being unreasonable in setting such a firm boundary, and throwing away what was, especially for the first year, a very nourishing and healthy relationship? Are there other paths that we're not thinking of, or things worth trying? Haaaaaalp, I really don't want to lose this beautiful partnership if possible!
To me, it sounds like you are over the NRE phase and are seeing the real him. He's kind of a mess. You saw it from the start and got involved anyway. 
