Hello, this is my first time posting and I’m not sure if this is the right place. But I really wanted advice from people who wouldn’t automatically judge me for bringing a third party into my bedroom. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years now. We met in college and have been on this crazy rollercoaster ever since. While in college we opened pandora’s Box by having a threesome with a good friend of ours. After college we mutually agreed it was something we both enjoyed and would frequently bring other women into the mix. Now that I am getting older...we both are working full time jobs...are approaching ten years together ...I haven’t been so focused on having that type of fun as often. We aren’t engaged and don’t have any kids ...and lately I’ve really been wanting to grow together in that direction. But my boyfriend isn’t in the same rush. And is definitely initiating the conversation about threesomes more often then I do. And I have been turning down the idea more often than not. Today we were having a little argument about it(nothing serious) but he said that he felt like a little kid asking his mom for candy and I was the mom always saying no. And he is starting to not want to ask anymore. I hate feeling like the party pooper...but I’m more focused on trying to start that next chapter. That next chapter doesn’t mean we can’t still have threesomes, but I feel like I want to grow more with him one on one first. Have I already dug myself in a hole too deep? How do I explain that I’m still interested , but not every weekend. I want more from our personal relationship...and I don’t know how to go about that without being painted as this party pooper. Any advice would really help me out!
Advice Needed - Threesomes vs Relationships
- Thread starter kamikoko
- Start date
I'm sorry you struggle.
I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to understand.
Why do you want to marry a person who is making you be "mean mommy" when he doesn't get his way? What is attractive about that?
You are not his mom denying him candy. You are not a machine dispensing threesome sex. You are all adults. And past consent is not automatic forever continuing consent.
https://metro.co.uk/2015/07/01/bril...xual-consent-means-in-everyday-terms-5274497/
Ok. He can stop asking if you are willing to share a new threesome with him.
Why is that a problem for you?
Why is you exercising your right to decline the invitation to threesome you being "a party pooper?" Just cuz you get invited to stuff doesn't mean you have to agree to go.
He could go have threesomes on his own. It doesn't have to be with you.
Is it that he doesn't want marriage and kids and you do?
What do you mean "dug yourself in?"
Do you think because you had some threesomes in the past with him you are obligated to keep on having them with him?
Or because you dated him for 10 years you are obligated to keep on dating him?
You can be totally naked on your back and change your mind about sharing sex, and your partner still has to respect that "No."
Could say it like that. "I'm still interested in threesomes, but not every weekend. I want more from our personal relationship. I want to discuss that. It's been 10 years together. I want marriage and kids one day. I want to move on to the next chapter. So let's check in. Are we both wanting that? Or not?"
Cuz that might be your bigger problem than threesomes or him viewing sex as a thing he GETS from you rather than a thing he SHARES with you.
I think one does not "get laid." Like you go out to get some fries. If he views sex that way and views you like the fry store denying him fries he's entitled to have? And you don't view sex that way? That's a compatibility problem.
I view sex as "sex shared." I share sex with my spouse. Which then raises the question -- are we both good sharers? Respect consent? Do not treat the other person like a sex dispenser machine thing that kicks out sex fries on demand?
If YOU are painting yourself as a party pooper? Cut it out. You have the right to take up the space you do in this world. You have the right to decide where your body goes. You have the right to state what you are and are not up for.
If HE is painting you out like a party pooper because he wants you to give him some sex fries on demand and you don't want to serve them up right then? Let him sulk! Sheesh. It is not your problem if he's disappointed that he isn't gonna get a threesome with you as one of the 3.
You are in charge of your own body. You consent to participate in things or not.
He is in charge of his body. He consents to participate in things or not.
And guess what? Person X that would be the potential threesome partner? They are in charge of themselves. You and him could be up for it and if X is not? A 3 way with X is just not gonna happen.
Is your BF gonna call X party pooper names too for not dispensing the sex fries he wants?
Just cuz you dated since college doesn't mean you are suitable for marriage and children. Especially if he's making you be "mean mommy" when you are NOT his mom. There are better ways to handle being disappointed as an adult than that.
Before you even revisit the threesome thing, figure out if you are compatible for marriage/kids since you seem to want that a lot.
Galagirl
I mean this kindly, ok? I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to understand.
Why do you want to marry a person who is making you be "mean mommy" when he doesn't get his way? What is attractive about that?
You are not his mom denying him candy. You are not a machine dispensing threesome sex. You are all adults. And past consent is not automatic forever continuing consent.
https://metro.co.uk/2015/07/01/bril...xual-consent-means-in-everyday-terms-5274497/
Ok. He can stop asking if you are willing to share a new threesome with him.
Why is that a problem for you?
Why is you exercising your right to decline the invitation to threesome you being "a party pooper?" Just cuz you get invited to stuff doesn't mean you have to agree to go.
He could go have threesomes on his own. It doesn't have to be with you.
Is it that he doesn't want marriage and kids and you do?
What do you mean "dug yourself in?"
Do you think because you had some threesomes in the past with him you are obligated to keep on having them with him?
Or because you dated him for 10 years you are obligated to keep on dating him?
You can be totally naked on your back and change your mind about sharing sex, and your partner still has to respect that "No."
Could say it like that. "I'm still interested in threesomes, but not every weekend. I want more from our personal relationship. I want to discuss that. It's been 10 years together. I want marriage and kids one day. I want to move on to the next chapter. So let's check in. Are we both wanting that? Or not?"
Cuz that might be your bigger problem than threesomes or him viewing sex as a thing he GETS from you rather than a thing he SHARES with you.
I think one does not "get laid." Like you go out to get some fries. If he views sex that way and views you like the fry store denying him fries he's entitled to have? And you don't view sex that way? That's a compatibility problem.
I view sex as "sex shared." I share sex with my spouse. Which then raises the question -- are we both good sharers? Respect consent? Do not treat the other person like a sex dispenser machine thing that kicks out sex fries on demand?
If YOU are painting yourself as a party pooper? Cut it out. You have the right to take up the space you do in this world. You have the right to decide where your body goes. You have the right to state what you are and are not up for.
If HE is painting you out like a party pooper because he wants you to give him some sex fries on demand and you don't want to serve them up right then? Let him sulk! Sheesh. It is not your problem if he's disappointed that he isn't gonna get a threesome with you as one of the 3.
You are in charge of your own body. You consent to participate in things or not.
He is in charge of his body. He consents to participate in things or not.
And guess what? Person X that would be the potential threesome partner? They are in charge of themselves. You and him could be up for it and if X is not? A 3 way with X is just not gonna happen.
Is your BF gonna call X party pooper names too for not dispensing the sex fries he wants?
Just cuz you dated since college doesn't mean you are suitable for marriage and children. Especially if he's making you be "mean mommy" when you are NOT his mom. There are better ways to handle being disappointed as an adult than that.
Before you even revisit the threesome thing, figure out if you are compatible for marriage/kids since you seem to want that a lot.
Galagirl
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Seems that this is the issue, not whether you actually have threesomes or not. You want to move forward to marriage and kids, he doesn't. The threesomes represent freedom and youth for both of you. This isn't about whether to have "fun threesomes" or not, this is about you and your BF getting square with each other about the future of your relationship.
vinsanity0
Active member
Hmmmmm...I agree that this is more about the future you want (kids, marriage, etc.), but are you sure you aren't using the threesome thing as a bargaining chip or reward? You say moving in that direction doesn't change having threesomes, but you also say you'd rather move towards your goal than continue having threesomes. I can see why that would be frustrating for the boyfriend. That doesn't make you a bad person though. There is no guarantee a couple is going to stay on the same page constantly and consistently. Desires often wax and wane.
So the two of you need to discuss these things as separate issues. Maybe he has no desire to have kids at all. Then what? Maybe it turns out recreational threesomes are way more important to him than it is to you. Then what? I've seen couples go their separate ways over these very issues.
So the two of you need to discuss these things as separate issues. Maybe he has no desire to have kids at all. Then what? Maybe it turns out recreational threesomes are way more important to him than it is to you. Then what? I've seen couples go their separate ways over these very issues.
Hello kamikoko,
It seems to me that you have three issues with your boyfriend at this time:
You have not dug yourself into a hole too deep, it is still okay to express your desires. Have that conversation with him, and let him know what you want. He should not be painting you as a party pooper, you are not doing anything wrong by wanting to go to the next chapter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It seems to me that you have three issues with your boyfriend at this time:
- You want to start having threesomes less often, less than every weekend. Your boyfriend wants to keep having them just as often.
- You want to get married soon. Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married anytime soon.
- You want to have kids soon. Your boyfriend doesn't want to have kids anytime soon.
You have not dug yourself into a hole too deep, it is still okay to express your desires. Have that conversation with him, and let him know what you want. He should not be painting you as a party pooper, you are not doing anything wrong by wanting to go to the next chapter.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Kevin, I was with you til this. They are not practicing polyamory. I see no mention of multiple loves. I see mention of sexual threesomes, and for all I can tell, with a different woman every weekend. Hookups, in other words.
Most adults do not spend every weekend hooking up with random people. Most adults do tend to "settle down," more or less.
Some adults, of course, even married with kids, do have "kinky" adult times, whether casual sex of a swinger variety (like your threesome stuff), or BDSM. They make time for these activities in between other adult responsibilities.
And then there are those of us on this board, who may or may not consider ourselves "vanilla" but cooperate with multiple partners in a polyamory lovestyle. We also are adults. Some consider themselves solo poly, others live with a partner or two, or travel between homes.
It is up to you now, to be clear with your bf about what you are thinking for your (singular) future. He's not clear what you want. He feels like he's begging for the threesomes as if he needs your permission. But 2 equal adults do not give each other permission, they give each other consent. If you are much less interested in these casual sexual romps, and more interested in marriage and kids, you owe him a headsup in clear and uncertain terms. You owe it to yourself too. If he's not marriage and daddy material, you might need to find someone who is, and time and tides wait for no one.