FeralGoblin96
New member
Hello, this is my first time posting here so I hope this is ok, I wanted to get some outside opinions from other poly people, and maybe some advice.
I (30ftm) have been with my partner ("A", 30m) for six years, we've been poly the whole time. Both of us have dated other people, but this is the first time we've had another partner move in with us ("B", 30m). A is my primary/nesting partner, and he started dating B almost a year ago, and moved in with us after about 5-6 months as his living situation became unsafe.
Up until B moved in, me and A were good. We never fought, any "arguments" were calm discussions, and he was very affectionate and attentive. Once B moved in, however, A began to focus on B. Initially I was fine with this; they're a newer couple, they're living together for the first time, feelings are gonna feeling, I know. However I began to have an issue with this when, one day, I realized he went an entire day without giving me any affection at all. No kisses, no hugs, he didnt even say he loved me. I brought this up to him and he said he didnt notice he was doing this but would try to do better. Then, a few weeks later, he told me our relationship had fallen into a roommate dynamic. This I agreed on, and we discussed on how we can work together to fix this. Then a few more weeks later, he dropped a bomb on me, and told me that not only was he not sexually attracted to me, but he probably never was in the 6 years we've been together, AND he didnt find me attractive AT ALL, not just sexually. Not gonna lie, that fucking hurt, especially because sex has always been an issue for us but whenever I'd ask him if it was my "equipment", he'd adamantly deny it, but now he was saying he only liked dicks. (I know you cant help what you're attracted to, but being told this after 6 years of being told something else still hurt.)
Since then, I've had several talks with him where I've told him I dont feel like his boyfriend. He rarely gives me affection unless I ask for it. When he wakes up or gets home, the first thing he does is give B hugs and kisses and asks how his day was. Then he'll go to the bathroom, or take off his work clothes, and then I'll get a headpat, or sometimes just a "hey". If I try to initiate cuddles, he doesnt cuddle me back, and if I ask for it he just gently lays a hand on my side. The only "couple things" we've done together is watch some anime (nothing wrong with that, but it doesnt feel like enough, and I've literally made a list for him of stuff we could do). The last time we talked I asked if he's sure he still wants to date me, because it doesnt feel like he does, and he said "I really dont want to think about that right now, but yes, I still want to date you". And I asked "is the reason you dont want to think about it is because the answer might be no?" and he said no, he just didnt want to think about it. And then he proceeded to bring up what we'd do if we DID break up, which is something he's been doing ever since he told me he didnt find me attractive. I've told him multiple times already I didnt like him bringing that up while we were trying to work on our relationship, because its kinda confusing to me for him to be like "I still love you and want to date you. But if we broke up, I wouldnt kick you out, you can still live here, etc".
I've brought all of this up to my therapist, who said she feels like neither him or I have the tools necessary to handle the dynamic we're currently in.
I guess I just want to hear what other people think of this. How would you feel if you were in my position? How would you navigate this? What "tools" do I need to help in this situation?
Edit; thanks everyone for helping me feel like I'm not crazy. I tend to overthink things, so sometimes its hard to tell whats a small thing I'm overthinking vs an actual genuine problem. Its funny how the general vibe seems to be "The dude broke up with you without actually breaking up with you", cause I actually told him "It feels like you're soft launching a breakup", lol. Anyways, I'm gonna work to get myself in a better place financially so I dont have to stay here. Thank you all for the advice.
I (30ftm) have been with my partner ("A", 30m) for six years, we've been poly the whole time. Both of us have dated other people, but this is the first time we've had another partner move in with us ("B", 30m). A is my primary/nesting partner, and he started dating B almost a year ago, and moved in with us after about 5-6 months as his living situation became unsafe.
Up until B moved in, me and A were good. We never fought, any "arguments" were calm discussions, and he was very affectionate and attentive. Once B moved in, however, A began to focus on B. Initially I was fine with this; they're a newer couple, they're living together for the first time, feelings are gonna feeling, I know. However I began to have an issue with this when, one day, I realized he went an entire day without giving me any affection at all. No kisses, no hugs, he didnt even say he loved me. I brought this up to him and he said he didnt notice he was doing this but would try to do better. Then, a few weeks later, he told me our relationship had fallen into a roommate dynamic. This I agreed on, and we discussed on how we can work together to fix this. Then a few more weeks later, he dropped a bomb on me, and told me that not only was he not sexually attracted to me, but he probably never was in the 6 years we've been together, AND he didnt find me attractive AT ALL, not just sexually. Not gonna lie, that fucking hurt, especially because sex has always been an issue for us but whenever I'd ask him if it was my "equipment", he'd adamantly deny it, but now he was saying he only liked dicks. (I know you cant help what you're attracted to, but being told this after 6 years of being told something else still hurt.)
Since then, I've had several talks with him where I've told him I dont feel like his boyfriend. He rarely gives me affection unless I ask for it. When he wakes up or gets home, the first thing he does is give B hugs and kisses and asks how his day was. Then he'll go to the bathroom, or take off his work clothes, and then I'll get a headpat, or sometimes just a "hey". If I try to initiate cuddles, he doesnt cuddle me back, and if I ask for it he just gently lays a hand on my side. The only "couple things" we've done together is watch some anime (nothing wrong with that, but it doesnt feel like enough, and I've literally made a list for him of stuff we could do). The last time we talked I asked if he's sure he still wants to date me, because it doesnt feel like he does, and he said "I really dont want to think about that right now, but yes, I still want to date you". And I asked "is the reason you dont want to think about it is because the answer might be no?" and he said no, he just didnt want to think about it. And then he proceeded to bring up what we'd do if we DID break up, which is something he's been doing ever since he told me he didnt find me attractive. I've told him multiple times already I didnt like him bringing that up while we were trying to work on our relationship, because its kinda confusing to me for him to be like "I still love you and want to date you. But if we broke up, I wouldnt kick you out, you can still live here, etc".
I've brought all of this up to my therapist, who said she feels like neither him or I have the tools necessary to handle the dynamic we're currently in.
I guess I just want to hear what other people think of this. How would you feel if you were in my position? How would you navigate this? What "tools" do I need to help in this situation?
Edit; thanks everyone for helping me feel like I'm not crazy. I tend to overthink things, so sometimes its hard to tell whats a small thing I'm overthinking vs an actual genuine problem. Its funny how the general vibe seems to be "The dude broke up with you without actually breaking up with you", cause I actually told him "It feels like you're soft launching a breakup", lol. Anyways, I'm gonna work to get myself in a better place financially so I dont have to stay here. Thank you all for the advice.
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