Advice on Boundaries for a new poly couple

Galagirl, Thank you so much for continuing to ask questions that I should consider, and for shining light on how hard I can be on myself. Undoing that stress will certainly allow for more enjoyment in the process of finding a new normal.

Everyone else that weighed in, thank you! Everyone's advice has been super helpful in reframing how I approach relationships, regardless if they are poly or mono. I can understand now why there are people who advocate for polyamory.

This feels like a supportive community and I'm glad that I reached out. Thank you!

I'm not sure if it's possible to turn comments off on this thread, but if it is, perhaps we can call this case closed?
 
Re:
"I'm not sure if it's possible to turn comments off on this thread, but if it is, perhaps we can call this case closed?"
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For that you would contact the mods, either by PM or by clicking on the red-outlined triangle at the upper-right-hand corner of your post.
 
Vicki82 said:
This. Also, what if one of you meets someone organically? Are they going to say, gee, sorry, I can't date you because my spouse isn't currently dating anyone?

I think this is one of those ideas that sounds reasonable on paper but is really unworkable in reality.
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I also find it completely different to needing glasses or a walking stick. Having a rule where you wait for each other is pretty much the same as unicorn hunting. No person experienced in healthy polyamory would advise unicorn hunting just as no person experienced in polyamory would support the idea of this waiting thing. At the very least they'd warn you of the obvious dangers of such a thing.

I think sometimes we need to highlight that real life practice < theory.
 
To clarify...

Because of this Dude said that he doesn't plan on dating again until I start seeing someone. So we have time to focus on fine tuning our agreement so the next experience is a little bit more stable. I feel a little uneasy about this arrangement.. like I'm being immature or something. But it all makes sense.
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That is the part I was talking about.

Needing to take extra time to fine tune agreements is not being immature. Just like needing glasses is not being immature.

In taking that time? They can figure stuff out. Including Dude saying doesn't plan to date again until Iamsquirrelly starts dating. Is that something he wants to do for HIM? Well, then it is his choice and not an agreement between them. He can choose to wait a certain period. He can choose to stop waiting. Do what he needs to do for his stress and NOT connect that to his spouse's dating life. Detangle some.

If he's suggesting that as a new agreement where it IS connected?

Well, that could be the first one that needs fine tuning then, Iamsquirrelly. You could say "No, thanks. I do not agree to that like that. You could just decide when you want to date and when you don't want to on your own without connecting it to what I am doing on my side." Or if you want to slow things down a bit and he seems willing to take a pause since he's in between partners? Agree to postpone x weeks. Time goes by, he can just move on and it is not connected to your dating. It's just calendar. Presumably he does not agree to a time frame he cannot deal in.

Making an agreement that sets you up as a "gatekeeper" to his dating where he cannot date til you are dating can lead to resentment or him rushing you in your process because he becomes impatient to date again.

If he's trying to reassure you -- there's other ways to do that.

If you are going to take some time to better reflect on your agreements you could ask yourselves -- Why are we making them? What is the purpose? Are these agreements reasonable? Rational? Can it be achieved a different way?

I'm not sure if it's possible to turn comments off on this thread, but if it is, perhaps we can call this case closed?
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There's no turning things off unless you ask a mod to close the thread, but I'll honor your request and stop posting. I hope things work out for you.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Re (from LBeyond):
"In my wife and I's poly attempt, secrecy was an important thing. We live in a very conservative area, and my wife had a lot of the typical concerns/fears that come from branching out into something new. If you have a lot of those kinds of concerns, and Lady's reasonable and respectful, Dude talking it over with her could easily keep things friendly for them and safe for your own feelings in it."
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The clarity is good in the above statements. You are saying that Dude could talk to Lady before the concert, about discretion and any other concerns iamsquirrelly may have. She confirms later in this thread that discretion is at least one of her concerns.

Re:
"But I also agree that, since they haven't known each other for too long, Dude would probably be best playing it safe and paying attention to how she treats him or acts around him. Make sure his own boundaries aren't crossed, and vicariously making sure that your and Dude's agreement is respected."
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Here I could use a bit more clarity, I had trouble following what you wanted to say. My guess is that you're saying, iamsquirrelly's concerns shouldn't be the only thing that comes into play, Dude should consider his own boundaries as well, as well as joint agreements between Dude and iamsquirrelly. Did I get that right?

Re (from LBeyond):
"I just read through that bit about entanglement. That's definitely something I overlooked before attempting my own poly relationship. A lot of that is great relationship advice even if you're staying monogamous."
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I'm not as strong an advocate for disentanglement, but I do agree you can get too involved in your partner's affairs, and putting a bunch of effort into Dude's other relationships would be counterproductive.

All told, your posts in this thread have some good material for the OP, and I am in agreement with what you said.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Boundaries??? She expects her boyfriend to act like a boyfriend.

The problem here is that YOU expect her 'boyfriend' to act like a man who is married and puts his wife first and really only wants a chew toy to entertain him while his wife is otherwise occupied.

Either he's a boyfriend to her or he's a man who's just seeking entertainment to fill his time while his wife is … um... occupied … with her boyfriend. He needs to be upfront with her about what her role really is so she can yeah, I'm willing to be a chew toy or no, no thank you, I actually thought I was getting a real boyfriend.
 
WhatHappened said:
Boundaries??? She expects her boyfriend to act like a boyfriend.

The problem here is that YOU expect her 'boyfriend' to act like a man who is married and puts his wife first and really only wants a chew toy to entertain him while his wife is otherwise occupied.

Either he's a boyfriend to her or he's a man who's just seeking entertainment to fill his time while his wife is … um... occupied … with her boyfriend. He needs to be upfront with her about what her role really is so she can yeah, I'm willing to be a chew toy or no, no thank you, I actually thought I was getting a real boyfriend.
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Oh hey, WhatHappened. I see you're back to project your own bad experiences with this scenario onto someone else's unrelated situation again.
 
How dare WH share her experiences as what it feels like to be treated as less than...:rolleyes:

I am poly and I bring up the same argument all the time to people pulling the couple privilege card.
 
Dagferi said:
How dare WH share her experiences as what it feels like to be treated as less than...:rolleyes:

I am poly and I bring up the same argument all the time to people pulling the couple privilege card.
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The difference is that iamsqirrely isn't seeing anyone. So Dude wasn't dating Lady as a "chew toy" to keep him busy while squirrely was seeing her bf(s). He was just dating Lady to date Lady.

I don't see where Lady is being seen as "less than," other than that she only had a couple of dates with Dude. So, of course, after 2 dates, she doesn't have the status of a wife! And Lady was the one who decided she wanted a mono bf. It was her choice to break it off with Dude.

We don't know if Lady is going to make trouble at the concert or not.
 
First off, I agree with GalaGirl's advice about boundaries.

Your boundaries are about what YOU will and won't do (as opposed to being about what other people do). Think about your boundaries and write them down. It's your responsibility to state your boundaries and stand by them.

If you feel uncomfortable, say so.
There's no should or should-not about feelings - feelings just are. And sharing them promotes intimacy, transparency, and honesty (3 key parts of what makes polyamory awesome). Now, you're probably going to feel a good bit of discomfort at the start of new relationships and poly experiences and that discomfort is not bad. Change is usually somewhat uncomfortable, but fear and comfort don't have to take the wheel.

If you have needs that are not being met or feelings that overwhelm you, communicate about it with dude. Maybe you can make some agreements that help everyone get their needs met and to help prepare for different situations that might occur. If these agreements directly affect lady or any other person, that person should be included in the process of making the agreements and everyone should be able to renegotiate as they feel necessary.

I wouldn't recommend making agreements to spare yourself from discomfort or any discomfort that you project on to dude. One of you having a new partner while the other one doesn't might be a source of discomfort, but making an agreement to avoid that isn't so much of an agreement as it is enstating a rule on an outside party that was never given a voice in the decision. Even if the timing worked perfectly you'd be starting 2 new relationships on the premise of treating these new people as subordinates. and that is very likely to cause a lot of damage down the road.

To put it simply, if you meet a new sweetie and have to ditch them or put them on hold until dude finds someone, that's not fair to the new sweetie. And it would be treating that nice new sweetie as an object more than a person. and same goes for any sweetie that dude meets.

Remember to trust each other. Trust the new sweeties that come into your life no less than you expect them to trust you. Avoid agreements that serve to prevent intimacy with others. Avoid agreements that are inconsiderate of new sweeties. And if you need more love, support, assurance and/or attention from dude during this process -Ask. For. It. - it's totally normal and you can't expect to get the things you want/need without asking for it.

Good luck <3
 
First off, I agree with GalaGirl's advice about boundaries.

Your boundaries are about what YOU will and won't do (as opposed to being about what other people do). Think about your boundaries and write them down. It's your responsibility to state your boundaries and stand by them.

If you feel uncomfortable, say so.
There's no should or should-not about feelings - feelings just are. And sharing them promotes intimacy, transparency, and honesty (3 key parts of what makes polyamory awesome). Now, you're probably going to feel a good bit of discomfort at the start of new relationships and poly experiences and that discomfort is not bad. Change is usually somewhat uncomfortable, but fear and comfort don't have to take the wheel.

If you have needs that are not being met or feelings that overwhelm you, communicate about it with dude. Maybe you can make some agreements that help everyone get their needs met and to help prepare for different situations that might occur. If these agreements directly affect lady or any other person, that person should be included in the process of making the agreements and everyone should be able to renegotiate as they feel necessary.

I wouldn't recommend making agreements to spare yourself from discomfort or any discomfort that you project on to dude. One of you having a new partner while the other one doesn't might be a source of discomfort, but making an agreement to avoid that isn't so much of an agreement as it is enstating a rule on an outside party that was never given a voice in the decision. Even if the timing worked perfectly you'd be starting 2 new relationships on the premise of treating these new people as subordinates. and that is very likely to cause a lot of damage down the road.

To put it simply, if you meet a new sweetie and have to ditch them or put them on hold until dude finds someone, that's not fair to the new sweetie. And it would be treating that nice new sweetie as an object more than a person. and same goes for any sweetie that dude meets.

Remember to trust each other. Trust the new sweeties that come into your life no less than you expect them to trust you. Avoid agreements that serve to prevent intimacy with others. Avoid agreements that are inconsiderate of new sweeties. And if you need more love, support, assurance and/or attention from dude during this process -Ask. For. It. - it's totally normal and you can't expect to get the things you want/need without asking for it.

Good luck <3
 
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