Advice on new Friends Plus, & Thoughts of cheating.

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FriendlyAlfred

New member
hi there, i am new to this so i will try and be as clear as i can. with that said i could be posting this entirly in the wrong place so sorry in advance if thats the case.

So..........
Me and my wife have been together got 18+ years married for 16 years this year. we have a woundfull sexually relationship and i would not change her for the world. but over the last 2 years on n off we both have expressed curiosity about being with others. mostly in jokes. but never acted up-on...

In the last 3-4 weeks we have meet some friends who have quickly become friends+.... and while i am in to the ideas of having a BF & GF. we Both have had the feeling like we are cheating on each other...

Please keep in mind neither one of use has ever had any other sexual partner. we meet in collage and have 2 kids..

If we are to look more into a relationship be it just for fun or something more, i was looking for some advice on dealing with the feeling of "cheating" because we have both said whats gone on so far has been fun.
if maybe a bit fast. we still have had them feelings on n off and we have spoke of taking things slow.

My wife has already mentioned about calling everything off. but before we blow a chance to be open to something more, i needed to seek and see if there is anything i could say that would put her at ease. or back to being ok with what was her idear to start with...

Ok well i have rambled enough.. i will post now and sleep
thank you for any help & advice.
Friendly-Alfred
PS: This Forum account is attached to a old e-mail address so i can get some advice without anyone seeing and getting wrong end of the stick. - could take me a day to reply..
Thanks
PSS: When i said in the Title Thoughts of Cheating, or not that we would "cheat" but more of it feels like cheating even giving someone else a kiss/cuddle in fount of /wife/husband even with consent.
 
You lived 18 years in a monogamous relationship. Of course it feels like a cheating to do it differently, that's what you are used to.

Whether the feeling describes reality is something else entirely.
 
Hello FriendlyAlfred,

Be aware that it is not cheating if it is done with the knowledge and consent of both you and your wife. Cheating is when you go behind your spouse's back, or when you tell your spouse, your spouse objects, and you do it anyway. It's all about consent. Of course, mainstream society isn't yet behind that idea. Most people think it is cheating when you have sex with someone other than your spouse even if your spouse does consent. You may be feeling uneasy and like you're cheating because of this mainstream opinion. If so, then what you need is a paradigm shift. You need to find out if consent is enough to make it not cheating.

As for your wife, the best thing you can do is ask her questions about what she is feeling and why. Maybe she, too, needs a paradigm shift regarding consent, or maybe she is not consenting for some reason. Don't try to talk her into consenting, just try to find out what she feels and why she feels it.

I hope the forum can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
FriendlyAlfred said:
Me and my wife have been together got 18+ years married for 16 years this year. we have a woundfull sexually relationship and i would not change her for the world. but over the last 2 years on n off we both have expressed curiosity about being with others. mostly in jokes. but never acted up-on...
Click to expand...

How is your relationship emotionally, rather than just sexually?

FriendlyAlfred said:
In the last 3-4 weeks we have meet some friends who have quickly become friends+.... and while i am in to the ideas of having a BF & GF. we Both have had the feeling like we are cheating on each other...
Please keep in mind neither one of use has ever had any other sexual partner. we meet in collage and have 2 kids..
Click to expand...

Have you guys talked about where these thoughts and feelings may be stemming from? Keep in mind, after so many years of monogamy (esp with kids involved as people want to make sure their kids are also happy and safe), the mindset will be different. Different can be both exciting and scary. If you guys are more comfortable with sex stuff than emotional stuff, maybe try a sex club as a couple. I know the one in my city allows people to just watch (with consent of the people having sex), and just fool around on their own but just in a setting where other people are too (they also have curtains so it can be private but in "public". Some people find this helps their minds adjust a bit.
(Z and I met in high school and until Dec 2016 had never had any PIV partners but each other and he had only dated me)


FriendlyAlfred said:
If we are to look more into a relationship be it just for fun or something more, i was looking for some advice on dealing with the feeling of "cheating" because we have both said whats gone on so far has been fun.
if maybe a bit fast. we still have had them feelings on n off and we have spoke of taking things slow.
Click to expand...

Slow and stead can win the race. A good rule is only move as fast as the slowest person. And really work on communication. Really do some soul searching on your end of wants vs needs, and her as well. This can help layout the groundwork for what your potential non-mono would look like.

FriendlyAlfred said:
My wife has already mentioned about calling everything off. but before we blow a chance to be open to something more, i needed to seek and see if there is anything i could say that would put her at ease. or back to being ok with what was her idear to start with...
Click to expand...

Maybe put a temporary hold on. It can help with her, and yourself, feeling more secure. In the long run, that's the better option. Because having things move quickly out of fear of losing an opportunity, can make the person who needs more time feel not only rushed, but less important and less valued. Walk, then run, then if you have wings fly. SOme people have wings but they're smaller, some have huge wings. if that makes sense
[/QUOTE]

If you ever want to DM me, I'm happy to listen.
 
It sounds like both consented to go there with the FWB people. But maybe jumping into sex too fast if you haven't talked things out with your spouse well enough?

Keep in mind that after being together 18+ years, it WILL feel weird. The "old normal" is gone. Where you maybe used to define intimacy around exclusivity, that may have to be reassessed. Maybe you could pause to figure out what intimacy means to each of you now.

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

The "new normal" isn't quite here yet. And the transition space in between is going to feel weird. And that weirdness is normal to feel. Don't be surprised if even amid the new "wow!" feelings you also feel sad or miss the old "just us" model.

This article has a picture of the stages of emotional change -- it might feel like roller coaster to you for a bit before it settles.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transprac.htm

Maybe slow it down some with the FWB and remember to date each other too. Not like every weekend with the new people. YKWIM? Rest matters. As does not going at it like "kid in a candy store."

It can also be viewed as a series of "soft openings" with breaks, rather than just one big "grand opening" and THERE all should be stellar! Stores do soft openings to sort out tweaks. Could view it something like that. Maybe call this experience a toe in the water, take a break, think, reflect, and decide if you try again.

You might also think about doing some reading together.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks for the Thoughts!! very Helpful

thank you evryone who replyed, me and the wife have spoken quite a bit more. seems shes ok with me... but not so sure about joining in, but while i am happy to have been given a hall pass. i still dont think our Friends, or me would use it without her..
as someone said "slow and steady wins the race" i have to laught a bit.. as this is a fav saying of mine. while teaching to drive. (mainly on roundabouts ) lol. anyway, i will take in all whats been said, give time some. maybe post back let ya know how things been going..

Female Friend Jess
Male Friend Jake
Wife Laura
Me Alfred
Will be back.. TYMV!
 
If this is swinging or poly or some other thing... maybe she just prefers to see people on her own rather than deal with a group sex thing? Not everyone is into group sex. Perhaps something else to keep in mind.

Galagirl
 
Hi Friendly Alfred,

What many people don't realize is the difference between polyamory and "swinging." You have these friends, you want to do group sex with them? You're bi? You're enjoying having a male and female lover? No one is "in love..." they are new friends/sex partners.

You don't have to have group sex to be polyamorous, or even polysexual. It sounds like the other couple wants a foursome. You want a foursome ideally, with your wife involved. Your wife tried it a few times, but now she's getting uncomfortable.

Allow her the space to back off if she's going places where she is feeling less than happy. And your couple? They don't get to demand wife keep fucking them if she doesn't want to!

It does sound like you're going way too fast. Step back. If wife doesn't like it, do everything you can to honor her feelings. Let her take a break. There's huge chasm between fantasy and reality. Oh so many people have fantasies about threesomes or group sex. Porn makes it seem so easy, so hot. But real people have real feelings. Actors are actors.

Maybe your wife feels left out. Maybe it weirds her out to see you involved in sex with another woman, and doing gay stuff with a guy!

Check and see if the couple would do threesomes with you while your wife sorts out her feelings. Respect them if they don't want to. Maybe they are afraid of feelings developing with another couple who may back out. No one likes to get dumped.

But meantime--Help your wife with her feelings. Listen to her. Reassure her. Date her, take her somewhere nice, for "quality time." A nice restaurant meal. A picnic. A drive to someplace you both enjoy in the country. A sporting or cultural event. Nurture her. Have one on one sex. Do some extra chores, "gift of service." Maybe give her flowers or some other small gift. Whatever her "love language" is. Take a break from all the new, and the angst, and reconnect doing some fun things as a couple. (Get someone to watch the kids so you can focus on each other.) Take a break from the relationship talks and just enjoy each other for a while.

You probably have NRE (infatuation) with the couple. We must learn to control our NRE if we have a long-standing relationship. We can forget to nurture this relationship when our hormones are raging for someone new.

It takes time to get used to opening your relationship. There is going to be insecurity. There are books you can read on opening. One is called, in fact, Opening Up. Try and get a copy.
 
thanks again for the advice.. but just to be clear.. our friend have not mentioned sex in any serious fashion, and no one is "fucking" atm.. extra friendly cuddles and sleeping in one bed in underware, sure dont count..

im gonna close this topic now as after a chat most my OP questions have been answered!!!
thanks for advice!
 
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