Advice on Opening a Relationship

A

Anna_60971

New member
Hello everyone,

I’m new here, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.

I’m a 26F and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (27M) for five years. We’ve been living together for almost three years now.

I’m looking for advice and different perspectives on opening up our relationship. I’d especially appreciate any guidance on how to approach this topic with my partner.

I’d love to hear any tips or suggestions anyone may have when discussing it with him.

Thanks.
 
Anna_60971 said:
Hello everyone,

I’m new here, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.

I’m a 26F and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (27M) for five years. We’ve been living together for almost three years now.

I’m looking for advice and different perspectives on opening up our relationship. I’d especially appreciate any guidance on how to approach this topic with my partner.

I’d love to hear any tips or suggestions anyone may have when discussing it with him.

Thanks.
Click to expand...
Hi Anna. I believe I might help you with everything you need. Feel free to drop me a message anytime soon
 
Hi Anna,

Welcome.

Please check out our Golden Nuggets section, for a comprehensive list of resources for information about polyamory. We list books, articles, a podcast, as well as past consolidated threads where people discuss every topic you could think of related to polyamory.

There's a very popular book called Opening Up, in fact, that's a great starting point, but people enjoy Polysecure and Designer Relationships as well.

We also have a search bar where you can look up specific terms.

Spend the next year or two reading, researching, and having talks with your partner. And if you have any specific questions, please ask them here and our helpful members will be along with their opinions, feedback and advice.
 
Anna_60971 said:
Hello everyone,

I’m new here, so I apologise if I get anything wrong.

I’m a 26F and I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner (27M) for five years. We’ve been living together for almost three years now.

I’m looking for advice and different perspectives on opening up our relationship. I’d especially appreciate any guidance on how to approach this topic with my partner.

I’d love to hear any tips or suggestions anyone may have when discussing it with him.

Thanks.
Click to expand...
Welcome to the site!

If you're willing to answer some questions, it might help you receive more targeted advice:

- What type of non-monogamy are you desiring at the moment?

- Have you talked about non-monogamy with your partner before in any capacity? Casually, seriously, etc.

- Do you have any obligations that you might have to take into account for a transition? Kids are the most common important factor.

Most people on here are polyamorous, so you might get less help for other types of non-monogamy like swinging or a sexually open relationship, but it never hurts to ask :)
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Anna,

Welcome.

Please check out our Golden Nuggets section, for a comprehensive list of resources for information about polyamory. We list books, articles, a podcast, as well as past consolidated threads where people discuss every topic you could think of related to polyamory.

There's a very popular book called Opening Up, in fact, that's a great starting point, but people enjoy Polysecure and Designer Relationships as well.

We also have a search bar where you can look up specific terms.

Spend the next year or two reading, researching, and having talks with your partner. And if you have any specific questions, please ask them here and our helpful members will be along with their opinions, feedback and advice.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the tips.
 
YesThisIsDog242 said:
Welcome to the site!

If you're willing to answer some questions, it might help you receive more targeted advice:

- What type of non-monogamy are you desiring at the moment?

- Have you talked about non-monogamy with your partner before in any capacity? Casually, seriously, etc.

- Do you have any obligations that you might have to take into account for a transition? Kids are the most common important factor.

Most people on here are polyamorous, so you might get less help for other types of non-monogamy like swinging or a sexually open relationship, but it never hurts to ask :)
Click to expand...
Hi, thanks for replying.

I suppose sexually open relationship is probably the description that matches what Im thinking about.
I’m not looking to break up my relationship, have a relationship with other people or anything like that. Ideally, I would like things to continue as they are between myself and my partner just with each of us having the freedom to experiment with other people.

No. I have not talked about non-monogamy with my partner in any way.

No. There are no obligations that that I can think of. No children or anything like that.
 
Anna_60971 said:
I suppose sexually open relationship is probably the description that matches what I'm thinking about. I’m not looking to break up my relationship, have a relationship with other people, or anything like that. Ideally, I would like things to continue as they are between myself and my partner just with each of us having the freedom to experiment with other people.
Click to expand...

Just so you know, there are several different kinds of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). (This is gone over right at the beginning of Opening Up, which covers all of them.)

First of all, open relationships, which could be described as people seeking others for sex, maybe FWBs, that sort of thing.
Next, there is swinging, where couples meet other couples or singles for sport sex, friendship, but no new pairing off romantically.
Finally, there is polyamory, which is what this board addresses-- multiple loving romantic relationships, conducted with the knowledge and consent of all involved. The emphasis is on love, but sex can and does happen for most people.

You won't find much support here for trying to have sexual relationships with no emotions attached. Swingers boards can support that. Although even swingers sometimes accidentally fall in love with their sport sex partners, since our bodies, our hormones, our brains, make us do that.

Your main relationship will never remain the same once you and your partner start seeing others, for sex only, or by having crushes. There is this thing called new relationship energy, which can make you feel like you're in love, become obsessed, very sexually invested in someone, wanting to text them all day, see them as often as possible, etc.


Anna_60971 said:
No. I have not talked about non-monogamy with my partner in any way.
Click to expand...
It's fine to do some research of your own first, so you know more about what you're suggesting when you do bring it up.
Anna_60971 said:
No. There are no obligations that that I can think of. No children or anything like that.
Click to expand...
 
Does your partner seem like someone who would be open to sexual experimentation? Either trying new things with you, or exploring things with others? (I'm guessing not, or you'd have discussed it with him already).

Is part if why you'd like an open relationship because the sex with him has become boring, unsatisfying? You were 21 when you got together, which is pretty young. Most people haven't totally figured out everything about their own sexuality at that age.

Is their some particular aspect of your sexuality you are hoping to explore? Such as bisexuality, kink, etc. Or just general sexual variety?

It might help to have clarity on what you're seeking in sex with others.
 
Hello Anna,

Simple and direct is usually best when proposing opening a relationship. Tell your partner, "Honey, I have been thinking that I would like to open our relationship. Can we talk about that?" I also recommend for you to get a copy of the book, "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino. It would be good if you and your partner could read that book together, and talk about what you read in it. It has some good questionnaires to help you navigate/negotiate the opening up process.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
MeeraReed said:
Does your partner seem like someone who would be open to sexual experimentation? Either trying new things with you, or exploring things with others? (I'm guessing not, or you'd have discussed it with him already).

Is part if why you'd like an open relationship because the sex with him has become boring, unsatisfying? You were 21 when you got together, which is pretty young. Most people haven't totally figured out everything about their own sexuality at that age.

Is their some particular aspect of your sexuality you are hoping to explore? Such as bisexuality, kink, etc. Or just general sexual variety?

It might help to have clarity on what you're seeking in sex with others.
Click to expand...

He's usually open to new things with me but we’ve never talked about an open relationship.

There's no particular kink I want to try. It’s more about general sexual variety. As you said, we were pretty young when we got together. We’ve been talking a lot about the next step. I do love him and don’t want to break up or anything like that, but I would like to feel as though we’ve both fully explored. Maybe not even permanently open, just to try it before going further.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Anna,

Simple and direct is usually best when proposing opening a relationship. Tell your partner, "Honey, I have been thinking that I would like to open our relationship. Can we talk about that?" I also recommend for you to get a copy of the book, "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino. It would be good if you and your partner could read that book together, and talk about what you read in it. It has some good questionnaires to help you navigate/negotiate the opening up process.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice. I've ordered the book.
I would like to be able to try and build up to the topic some how and not just spring it on him out of the blue.
 
Anna_60971 said:
Thanks for the advice. I've ordered the book.
I would like to be able to try and build up to the topic some how and not just spring it on him out of the blue.
Click to expand...
Plant the seed. Don't over water it.
 
Anna_60971 said:
Thanks for the advice. I've ordered the book.
I would like to be able to try and build up to the topic some how and not just spring it on him out of the blue.
Click to expand...
You can always make it a hypothetical conversation first, or just try to find out more about him - ask questions and see if he's willing to talk or if he shuts down, and if he's caught by surprise by these topics or not.

"I hear some people have more than one partner, can you imagine? Do you know someone like that?"
"Do you ever have fantasies about sleeping with other women?"
"Have you ever been in love with more than one person at once?"
"Do you get crushes? Would you tell me if you get a crush? ;)"
"Did you do casual sex before we got together? Do you think it's possible to separate sex and feelings?"

You can talk about all of these and many more without seriously proposing to go down that route.

You don't seem clear about what type of non-monogamy you'd like (understandably), so try to figure out where you lean, where your partner might lean... and expect that to change as you think and experiment more.

I also kind of like to propose tantric seminars to monogamous people who just want to explore attraction but keep the couple central. I don't know how accessible or high-quality these are in the US, but in Europe, I had some pleasant experience with tantra. The closed format kind of keeps everything contained.
 
Anna_60971 said:
Theres no particular kink I want to try. It’s more about general sexual variety.
Click to expand...
I'd suggest to first try things together with current partner rather than exploring non-monogamy. I'll share some ideas that I was happy with when I started more fully exploring my own sexuality (when I was much older than you are):

- online materials: I've found Jayia's "Erotic Blueprints" typology of sexual interests very enlightening, she talks about the main tenets in lots of freely available interviews online
- there are also many trustworthy online resources for kink/bdsm, and even if you dip your toes into them only very lightly, they may add lots of spice and completely change the dynamic of your sexual encounters with your partner - note that I am not talking about porn here, but about sex-ed materials that teach about technical and emotional aspects of sexuality
- I'd highly recommend an intro shibari workshop - attend twice, once with you tying him and once with him tying you
- for a different flavour of sex, try an intro tantra workshop
- (non-sexual) role-playing events - may give you a chance to see your partner in a different context and inspire some bedroom activities that you wouldn't otherwise think of
As you can see, most of my suggestions are in-person events, but none of them implies being physically involved with those other people. In my experience, shibari and tantra intro weekends are very modest - there's no need to worry that you'll be forced to do anything sexual in front of others, or to witness people doing weird kinky stuff you actually don't want to witness. If you haven't explored these flavours of sexuality yet, such events may stir up a lot of new feelings and open up quite a few new options. (Make sure to check the references before attending, I suppose quality and content could differ widely and my good experiences don't guarantee yours.)

The reason I don't suggest opening up just to explore sexuality: as others have pointed out, once you open up, you're much more likely to develop crushes or even very strong feelings for new people. If you're monogamous in the sense that you don't have a strong desire to have more than one partner at a time, I would think all forms of non-monogamy are playing with fire. I've myself started my relationship with Fasaani with the intention that it will be "friends with benefits", with heavy emphasis on the "benefits". I've quickly found out that two previously monogamous people are no good at creating a purely sexual relationship - we were in NRE by the two months mark. Of course, if you avoid repeated encounters with the same partner, you're less likely to fall in love, but that is more difficult logistically and more risky health- and safety-wise even with precautions.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top