Advice on polyamory

[Maruki254]

Hi! I was looking for some advice for my situation since it's kind of been festering in the back of my head for the longest time.

I'm a 22m living with my non-binary partner who I've been with for almost 4 years and their best friend. I consider them a close friend too since I've known her for more than 5 years, but my partner has known them for longer.
When the pandemic started in 2020, I would spend nearly all of our time together since we would only interact with people we were close to, that's where I would say we really developed our relationships. I would go over to my partners house and their friend would come over. I developed feelings for this friend maybe a year after all the experiences with the three of us but didn't act upon them since this friend was already seeing someone until the end of 2021.

A lot of different things happened, and now I'm living with the 2 of them in an apartment for a few months now and I was thinking of bringing up the potential idea of being a throuple or Vee type relationship. We already have jokes between us and our friend groups that we are a poly trio due the 3 of us doing things and being together and I've even had friends who said they wouldn't be surprised if we end up in a polyamorous relationship.

Now my main concerns are this

• What is the process for bringing it up to my partner? I truly don't want to ruin this relationship but I don't want to keep this idea in my head without at least trying it to see if they would be okay with the idea, I'm also okay with the poly relationship not happening as I respect their needs and boundaries but I really want to make sure I don't completely ruin things.
• If said interaction with bringing it up with my partner went well, how should I go about bringing it up with the friend?
• And lastly, what other advice should I be given before I try to attempt this relationship? any advice is welcome because I want to make sure I can do all I can to make this work.

Thank you again to anyone who responds to this, as I've said, any advice is appreciated so feel free to say what you'd like.

 

[Magdlyn]

A triad implies that 3 people are romantically and almost always sexually involved. A V is when one person is in a romantic relationship with 2 people, but those 2 people are not romantically involved. The person with 2 romantic partners is called the hinge, and the other 2 are often called the legs of the V.

Let's give names to these people. You are Maruki. Your partner is Jo and their friend is Dan. You are also good friends with Dan at this point.

Are you interested in Dan romantically? Is Jo interested in Dan romantically, or are they best off as close friends, even besties?

Unless you are interested in Dan romantically, and probably sexually (unless you're asexual) there is no V happening, much less a triad. If Jo is not interested in Dan romantically/sexually, Jo would NOT be the hinge of a V or a corner of a romantic triad.

Just because your friends have noticed that you 3 all get along great, and make jokes implying there is sex happening between not just you and Jo, but you and Dan, or Jo and Dan, does not mean you need to upset the apple cart and try to make sex happen.

Just because you have (unspecified) feelings for Dan does not mean you have to act on them. It's human nature to feel sexual stirrings for anyone you spend lots of time with (of the gender that attracts you). Humans might feel sexual attraction to different people on the street, on the internet, on TV, a musician, an actor, etc., etc. We might feel sexually attracted to our stepmother, or cousin... you get the idea. It's not appropriate, most of the time, to act on these feelings. In this case, if you make the moves on Dan, you might end up ruining everything, your relationship with Jo, your friendship with Dan, Jo and Dan's longstanding close friendship.

That said, you might do it anyway, and just take the risk. 22-year olds are risk takers and more impulsive than someone in their late 20s or older. And if you can't stop thinking about Dan, and then you all decide to have a few drinks together, well... many things begin that way, only to be regretted later.

 

[GalaGirl]

now I'm living with the 2 of them in an apartment for a few months now

I'm also okay with the poly relationship not happening

Can you all afford to move out? Because if not? If the lease is only just a few months in? And you are ok with it not happening?

I suggest doing nothing.

Because if things go wrong, you may end up stuck living with exes and nobody can afford to move out yet. While the 20s is a good time to experiment, it's also a time of low wages/student budget.

There's a reason roomies and friends wind up on a lot of people's "messy list." Dating a roomie makes it weird because it's not like dating and living in separate homes. It is insta-cohabitation. Then friends is who we turn to for help. It makes it weird if the friend IS the other dating person. There's enough people to poly date without going right for the ones that make it weird.

Where if you lived separate, and you want to date both of them in a V? There's time and space apart to wind down.

Or if you all decided to try a triad -- You also don't have to watch the other two dating or listening to them sharing sex through thin apartment walls, and all this other stuff newbies find difficult.

What you could do is think about it, do more education on your own, etc. Read on why triads (3 V's stacked up) is hard.

And if you DO bring it up, bring it up maybe 2-3 mos before the lease is up. That way if you do all want to try poly dating, you can move to separate homes.

And if things get weird? It's not that much longer than the lease is up. You all have time to save up and move out and NOT date.

And the weird is only 2-3 mos rather than many months.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Maruki254,

I can't guarantee that bringing things up to your partner won't ruin that relationship. It's not like there are magic words you can say that will make your partner receive them well. That part is up to your partner. My advice in this area would be to sit down with your partner (before mentioning things to your partner's friend), sometime when you are both feeling peaceful and well, and don't have any distractions. Then, say to your partner, "Honey, I am having feelings for your best friend, and I am wondering if we could try a polyamorous arrangement between the three of us. Can we talk about that? Do you need some time to think about it first?" Something to that effect.

If your partner says okay to the idea of the polyamorous relationship, then you could sit down with the friend (again, when you're both feeling peaceful and there are no distractions), and say, "I have been having some feelings for you, I don't know if you have been having some feelings for me, but if you have, would you be interested in a polyamorous arrangement? I have talked to my partner about it, and they are okay with the idea." Understand that this is a long shot, as you do not know whether the friend has feelings for you.

There's a lot to learn about poly, so spend some time reading and posting on this forum before you attempt the poly relationship. I also recommend the book "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino.

Regards,
Kevin T.