Advice - Open marriage and when someone gets hurt

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Willow123

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I found out that my husband having affair with a wife in an open marriage. He will not end with her or tell her that his wife now knows. Says he will not see her again....yeah right. Should I contact her myself and let her know that I know?

Are there any wifes in open marriages out there that have had affair with a married man where wife is unaware, then finds out? Tell me your story.

I have been hurt in this and I want to let her know this and that and open marriage is fine and dandy as long as NO ONE GETS HURT.

My husband is NOT interested in an open marriage where we would both be with other people.
 
Hello Willow123,

Well first of all, it is not fair for your husband to say you can't be with anyone else, when he can. And I guess he is saying he won't see the other woman anymore, but like you, I'm not sure you can trust him to tell you the truth. After all, this whole thing started with him having an affair behind your back. That doesn't sound like something a trustworthy person would do.

You can certainly contact her yourself, and let her know that you know, and that open marriage is okay as long as no one gets hurt, and that you have been hurt, and in that way, she will know that she has hurt you, and that this open marriage is not okay. That will probably chase her away, but can you trust your husband to not have an affair with anyone else?

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for this reply

I will give my husband more time to contact her and let her know I am aware of affair. Otherwise I will call her myself.

I guess whether affair was with someone in an open or not marriage its all the same hurt.

At first I called her his "free prostitute" and her husband her "pimp". I know now she is a real person, that my husband cares for her as a person and she cares for him.

Why did he sleep with her though? Was it simply because he just wanted to, saw opportunity and boom?!

So easy to say yes, but its also just as easy to say no.

Willow
 
I'm sorry this happened.

I found out that my husband having affair with a wife in an open marriage. He will not end with her or tell her that his wife now knows. Says he will not see her again....yeah right. Should I contact her myself and let her know that I know?
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So... he's just gonna ghost on her? Wow.

I think you could ask him when he plans on telling her it is off and apologize to her for involving her in cheating. And if he doesn't do it, you could contact her to let her know you found out, and you prefer they stop the cheating affair.

I would refrain from calling her a prostitute and her husband a pimp. Because you might not be the only person your husband hurt with his actions. Your spouse may have lied to her too -- like he's not married or he's in an open marriage too but practices DADT or whatever.

My husband is NOT interested in an open marriage where we would both be with other people.
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So... he's ok with him being married and cheating on his marriage agreements?

Why did he sleep with her though? Was it simply because he just wanted to, saw opportunity and boom?!
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The only one who can answer that is your husband.

I can only imagine the shock/pain and finding all this out. I'm so sorry your spouse was having a cheating affair behind your back rather than being honest and up front with you.

I think you guys may have to do some marriage repair if you plan to continue on together. Or if you don't want to continue with him any more? That's a different conversation to have.

I'd suggest you take a time out to do your soul searching and figure out what you want next.

Galagirl
 
Hi Willow,

I think it's possible your husband is having a mid-life crisis, one where he wonders what he has missed out on by "following the rules." He may now be trying to "make up for lost time." This doesn't justify what he's done, it just sheds some light on what he was thinking. Whatever he was thinking, he needs to be honest with you now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He is 56 so I was thinking mid-life crisis too. 30+ year marriage. we have great sex about 2-3 times a week, so he gets good sex.

Thanks you for these responses. During this isolation stuff I have no one to talk to about this.
 
Willow123 said:
I found out that my husband having affair with a wife in an open marriage. He will not end with her, or tell her that his wife now knows. He says he will not see her again. Yeah, right. Should I contact her myself and let her know that I know?

Are there any wives in open marriages out there that have had affair with a married man where the wife is unaware, then finds out? Tell me your story.

I have been hurt in this and I want to let her know this. Open marriage is fine and dandy as long as NO ONE GETS HURT.

My husband is NOT interested in an open marriage, where we would both be with other people.
Click to expand...

Hi. You're welcome here.

However, this is not a polyamory question. It's a cheating question. There are forums for those that have been cheated on where I am sure you'd find sympathy, shared experiences and advice.

It doesn't matter that your husband's gf is in an open marriage. She was not ethical to date your husband, unless he lied and told her he was also in an open relationship.

It was wrong of your husband to cheat. He's the one you have problems with. Usually when a spouse cheats, and you don't want to get a divorce, marriage counseling is recommended. You can find a counselor and do telehealth conferences, probably.

I hope he wasn't going and visiting her during this lockdown! Are any of you social isolating? If he lied about cheating, did he put your health at risk? It could be Covid 19, it could be STDs! I'd recommend you both go get checked for STDs. And find out as best you can if he (and you) are now also at risk for Covid.
 
Willow123 said:
Thanks for this reply

I will give my husband more time to contact her and let her know I am aware of affair. Otherwise I will call her myself.

I guess whether affair was with someone in an open or not marriage its all the same hurt.

At first I called her his "free prostitute" and her husband her "pimp". I know now she is a real person, that my husband cares for her as a person and she cares for him.

Why did he sleep with her though? Was it simply because he just wanted to, saw opportunity and boom?!

So easy to say yes, but its also just as easy to say no.

Willow
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First off, women in open relationships aren't prostitutes. They are mature adults who have made a valid relationship choice. I understand you are angry, but look to your own marriage for answers as to why your husband cheated on you. I think it is likely your husband lied to her too.

As a general rule, ethical non-monogamists don't facilitate cheating behavior. However, there can be circumstances where it can occur. There is no telling what he told her.

What would be the point in you contacting her? I don't get it.
 
Willow123 said:
I will give my husband more time to contact her and let her know I am aware of affair. Otherwise I will call her myself.
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Why?

It's easy to assign blame and victim roles in cheating, but in my experience, cheating comes out of a relationship that has long been struggling and dissatisfying on both sides. The cheating may come as a surprise, but the atmosphere that fostered the cheating is familiar and felt by both partners. Why would you want to contact a person (the woman) who is merely a symptom? Getting rid of her, letting her know, making him promise never to see her again - all do nothing to address the pre-existing struggle of the marriage. This woman is not the problem at all and focusing your anger upon her will only prolong the unhealthy state of your marriage. People who are in healthy, mutually supportive and satisfying relationships generally do not cheat - whether they are monogamous, polyamorous, sexually open or anything else. My experience is that cheating is a symptom of an already hobbled relationship, it is never the problem itself. You can't get rid of this woman to get rid of your marriage issues, her presence merely points them out.
 
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Thank you for your true and compassionate reply.

From the outside our marriage looks rock solid, but what does that really mean anyway? Nothing. Its the inside that means everything.

I like and truly care for this man.

Too messy/scared to quit my marriage. Can't do this on my own.

Thanks again to all of you.
 
Hi Willow,

It sounds like your husband has a pretty good life with you, he has good sex at least, so he does not really have an excuse to have a mid-life crisis, his life with you is fine. I think maybe he heard the old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence," and wondered, "I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of this fence?" or maybe he heard the saying, "Forbidden fruit is the sweetest," and wondered, "I wonder if this fruit would be sweeter than the fruit I have in my marriage?" These are fallacies, of course, but he might have boughten into them. Like, he is in the marriage with you, and has been there for thirty years, so he sees all the faults in it. Whereas he does not see the faults in the other woman's marriage, so maybe he assumes there aren't any faults there. Again, a fallacy, but one he might have bought into.

These are some thoughts, I could be wrong.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
he has good sex at least, so he does not really have an excuse to have a mid-life crisis
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Mid-life crises are about questioning one's life mid-way along and reflecting on whether where we are is where we wanted to be at that point. It's about "Is this all there is?" and it's a life-cycle period that is natural in Western culture. A mid-life crisis is a time when a firmly established adult questions whether they want to continue on in a similar manner in the second half of life as they came to embrace during their first half. It is not about whether they have great sex or not (although that certainly can be a factor.) There is never an excuse needed for going through a natural developmental stage. Do 14 years olds need an excuse to start acting and thinking like teens? Do 70 year olds need an excuse to start acting and thinking like senior adults? The phrase "mid-life crisis" has taken on a bit of comedic association, but the fact is that most adults in a Western culture (given the economic and sociological freedoms) will experience a period in which they question "Is this where I want to be, now that I'm half way through?"

Also, just because the sex is regular and the OP here thinks that the sex is fine doesn't mean that the sex is indeed fine. Regular sex doesn't mean good sex, satisfying sex or even intimate sex - it just means that the couple does what they do with regularity. The husband here might very well have grave misgivings about the state of the marriage bed and has chosen to try and make the best of it (and cheat) instead of poking a hornet's nest of honesty. My experience in life is that this state of marriage sex is the result of both people, it's never just one person's fault. To say that this husband has no excuse to question his life is to not only denigrate a totally normal developmental stage of adulthood, but to dismiss the reality that two partners create a marriage - and especially a marriage bed. I always find it highly suspect when one claims that they had no idea whatsoever that their partner was unhappy sexually.
 
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