Hi everyone,
Apologies in advance for the long post but I feel I'm in a very difficult situation and I'd appreciate some advice from people who really understand my predicament.
My male partner, M, and I have been in a committed non-monogamous relationship for 3 years. We were previously monogamous with past partners, but after hooking up for a year we decided we wanted a committed relationship, but that we liked seeing other people (separately) on the side. We agreed to be primary partners, and any others would be casual tertiary encounters. We were very excited to explore ethical non-monogamy together.
We of course encountered hurdles, but over time developed a system that suited us and learned to communicate well. We'd chat through all our concerns, and became quite good at overcoming the jealousy. My relationship with M has been brilliant, he is very loving and supportive, we want the same things in life (no marriage, no kids), and have amazing sexual chemistry. We decided to focus on positive rules (ie things we wanted to keep special to our relationship - such as certains kinks, shibari, etc), rather than negative rules ('no, you can't do such-and-such with this person'). I felt that negatively policing his relationship with other partners could become very unhealthy, and vice-versa. M and I were excited to start exploring events together until lockdown hit; but we put the plans on hold and were excited to explore this together when restrictions eased.
About a year and a half ago, M started seeing a close female friend of his, C. I struggled with this at first, and initially made it very clear that I still wanted to be the primary partner and that as soon as I felt that position was threatened, I would have to leave. Since then, M and C's relationship has evolved. I have tried very hard over the months to accommodate this, and at points was generally very accepting and also proud of how far I had come on this journey. M and I continued to discuss our relationship, and re-evaluate things as often as possible. I met with C a couple of times (purely platonic) and these were genuinely positive experiences. I continued to meet up with my other tertiary partners, albeit on a much less frequent basis than M was seeing C and his other casual partner. M and I also explored our first threesome together with another of his casual partners; this had its challenges but again was a fun and positive experience.
Over the last few months, I have felt increasingly uneasy about M and C's relationship as it has continued to evolve further. They have spent increasingly more time together (from what was only one night a week, to multiple nights and weekends away together). This was discussed and I accepted it, trying to overcome my jealously. Mostly I was fine with it; I wanted M to be happy. Things escalated again recently when M made clear that he wanted to explore kink events with C, and do more kink play with her. This I really, really struggled with, but I did agree to some extent. I felt that M had become more focused on his relationship with C. I struggled with both his sexual exploration with C, and the increasing significance of their relationship. M could see I was struggling, and clearly tried hard to make me feel loved and supported. In between the pangs of jealously, we continued to have really great times together.
Despite M being adamant that I am still 'number 1' and wants to honour the agreement that we keep certain things special to our relationship as agreed, he has expressed that he wants to be more poly with me and C. I cannot shake the feeling that we are on a slippery slope here; that it's only a matter of time before M asks me if he can do something else (be it sexual, emotional, or re life events, like who gets to spend Christmas together). I still don't feel that I can ask him to Not do certain things with C (especially now he has done them); he clearly wants to do them and I do respect their relationship. I have found poly very difficult, and much prefer our ENM/tiered model. What I have wanted from M and my other tertiary relationships has not changed.
I tried to warn M that I was nearing my limit here, but this weekend I completely snapped, and ended our relationship. I felt he has pushed me too far, and I couldn't do this any more. It's not a decision I made lightly, but felt it was the only thing that was within my control.
I cannot express how upset we both are. Apart from the struggle with C, my relationship with M is/was still truly fantastic. I am really struggling, and wondering if I am making a huge mistake. I am throwing away a wonderful relationship and all that hard work I put in over the last few years.
I'd really appreciate some advice from anyone who has been in similar situation, and if you think I had any other options here? Thank you
Apologies in advance for the long post but I feel I'm in a very difficult situation and I'd appreciate some advice from people who really understand my predicament.
My male partner, M, and I have been in a committed non-monogamous relationship for 3 years. We were previously monogamous with past partners, but after hooking up for a year we decided we wanted a committed relationship, but that we liked seeing other people (separately) on the side. We agreed to be primary partners, and any others would be casual tertiary encounters. We were very excited to explore ethical non-monogamy together.
We of course encountered hurdles, but over time developed a system that suited us and learned to communicate well. We'd chat through all our concerns, and became quite good at overcoming the jealousy. My relationship with M has been brilliant, he is very loving and supportive, we want the same things in life (no marriage, no kids), and have amazing sexual chemistry. We decided to focus on positive rules (ie things we wanted to keep special to our relationship - such as certains kinks, shibari, etc), rather than negative rules ('no, you can't do such-and-such with this person'). I felt that negatively policing his relationship with other partners could become very unhealthy, and vice-versa. M and I were excited to start exploring events together until lockdown hit; but we put the plans on hold and were excited to explore this together when restrictions eased.
About a year and a half ago, M started seeing a close female friend of his, C. I struggled with this at first, and initially made it very clear that I still wanted to be the primary partner and that as soon as I felt that position was threatened, I would have to leave. Since then, M and C's relationship has evolved. I have tried very hard over the months to accommodate this, and at points was generally very accepting and also proud of how far I had come on this journey. M and I continued to discuss our relationship, and re-evaluate things as often as possible. I met with C a couple of times (purely platonic) and these were genuinely positive experiences. I continued to meet up with my other tertiary partners, albeit on a much less frequent basis than M was seeing C and his other casual partner. M and I also explored our first threesome together with another of his casual partners; this had its challenges but again was a fun and positive experience.
Over the last few months, I have felt increasingly uneasy about M and C's relationship as it has continued to evolve further. They have spent increasingly more time together (from what was only one night a week, to multiple nights and weekends away together). This was discussed and I accepted it, trying to overcome my jealously. Mostly I was fine with it; I wanted M to be happy. Things escalated again recently when M made clear that he wanted to explore kink events with C, and do more kink play with her. This I really, really struggled with, but I did agree to some extent. I felt that M had become more focused on his relationship with C. I struggled with both his sexual exploration with C, and the increasing significance of their relationship. M could see I was struggling, and clearly tried hard to make me feel loved and supported. In between the pangs of jealously, we continued to have really great times together.
Despite M being adamant that I am still 'number 1' and wants to honour the agreement that we keep certain things special to our relationship as agreed, he has expressed that he wants to be more poly with me and C. I cannot shake the feeling that we are on a slippery slope here; that it's only a matter of time before M asks me if he can do something else (be it sexual, emotional, or re life events, like who gets to spend Christmas together). I still don't feel that I can ask him to Not do certain things with C (especially now he has done them); he clearly wants to do them and I do respect their relationship. I have found poly very difficult, and much prefer our ENM/tiered model. What I have wanted from M and my other tertiary relationships has not changed.
I tried to warn M that I was nearing my limit here, but this weekend I completely snapped, and ended our relationship. I felt he has pushed me too far, and I couldn't do this any more. It's not a decision I made lightly, but felt it was the only thing that was within my control.
I cannot express how upset we both are. Apart from the struggle with C, my relationship with M is/was still truly fantastic. I am really struggling, and wondering if I am making a huge mistake. I am throwing away a wonderful relationship and all that hard work I put in over the last few years.
I'd really appreciate some advice from anyone who has been in similar situation, and if you think I had any other options here? Thank you
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