Magdlyn,
So are you and your husband still together? If so, how did he learn to cope with the change?
Well, after fantasizing for a while, 3 months maybe, and after I read The Ethical Slut, which was the only book about poly available in 1999, he suggested we "open our relationship" by looking for a bi woman to share. In my newly rediscovered lust for him and my hopefulness and naivete, I agreed. We found a single woman who said she was into both of us, but turned out she was only into him. She didn't even try to have sex with me. It was a bait and switch. Of course, my husband and I were stupid unicorn hunters, I don't blame her.
But I was supposed to be the poly one! And now... They fell in love, declared they were soulmates, and he told me he wanted to move her in as a sister wife for me, after a month or so of knowing her.
At first he told me I could still look for a woman for myself. But not a man, no no. His gf told him that was unfair (what I said didn't seem to matter, but the word of the new and shiny was gold in those days), so he relented. I was allowed to search for a partner of either gender.
Meanwhile he spent one 3 day weekend a month driving from Boston to Montreal to meet with his new gf. He spent a lot of money on gas and dates, restaurants and other things. I realized I didn't have time or energy or motivation to try and date. Our kids were only about 11, 14 and 16 and I was a devoted mother. One parent gone 3 days a month seemed like enough. Even when he was home, he was kind of checked out because of his NRE. I began to lose my passion for him again.
I am ashamed to say, after about 4 months, I vetoed their relationship, as he had told me before we started, I had the right to do. We both had the right to do. But it didn't work... they were still in love and kept in touch cyberly, meeting once in a while at events. Meanwhile I got so depressed, I could hardly stop crying or get out of bed. Our sex life had been SO good, so loving, I'd felt understood for the first time in 20 years, and what happened? He ended up in NRE for another woman.
I went on Zoloft for a year. We did couples counseling for a year. He went to individual counseling for a year. I went to individual counseling for 3 years.
And I hung in there. When I had vetoed his relationship with new and shiny, he told me he'd never kiss me again, never walk holding my hand, and would stop calling me "hon," only call me by my name. Even though we had agreed to vetoes being OK, he punished me for wielding one. But by about 2006, we managed to have great sex again somehow, and we even went on dates, and weekend trips. I felt unloved however, which I was (no kissing, no terms of endearment), and started flirting with guys online.
All that, and other issues of disconnect, were never resolved. We ended up with different sets of friends, different religions, different bedrooms, different hobbies. We separated in 2008 and divorced in 2011. We'd been together from 1974 til 2008. We were very very young when we met and married. We grew apart.
Happy ending: We're not dead yet! His gf moved in with him, after he moved out of our house and got an apartment in October '08. I met my dear gf in Jan 2009 and we've been together, and happily poly, ever since. I am having the time of my life being true to myself. I have dated many men and have had lots of fun, some actual love, and great sex. And I get deep abiding non-jealous, compersive love and respect for who I really am from my gf.
I don't know if he is happier now, but he seems to be OK. We are co-parents and communicate often.
