Advice plz 🙏

[Adri3nXX]

Hey, I'm still in my wayward chaotic poly relationship. I'm in a V with the two loves of my life (both male and I'm afab), and my second partner of the two whom I live with now basically full time has grown an interest in taking another woman into our relationship recently. We've talked about this before and agreed it was something we were both interested in.

However, he has opened up to me about his growing interest in my female cousin, who sometimes comes over to our place to hang out with us. Now, I'd usually be all for adding another girl, as I've always wanted a 3-way with a woman. However, it feels way different when it's a family member he's interested in. Would I be wrong for saying no to allowing him and her to have relations without me as he's wanting? I don't want to hurt him by saying no altogether, just because it makes me uncomfortable that it's my cousin, but I don't know if I could emotionally handle saying yes either, as so far, with as much thought I've put into it, no matter what I still feel pain in my chest, anxiety, dread, discomfort, and sometimes even nausea.

Should I push past my feelings and allow it, or should I set the boundary of no family?

Any advice is helpful. Please give me your thoughts.

 

[Evie]

It's okay to have family members on your "messy list" - as in things would just be too weird/messy to become intimate with them.

Have you considered dating separately?

 

[risty]

So I'm thinking, in the beginning, you should have a say in when and where until all are comfortable. Is your cousin aware of your poly and of his feelings?

 

[Bobbi]

For me, family members are on my messy list, and would not be okay, in the slightest. If things go bad, your family will always be family... there's no getting away. And your relationship with your cousin would be forever changed. Just say no.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Adri3nXX,

It sounds like this cousin your second partner is interested in, is on your list of messy people. I mean for one thing, if he started dating this cousin, and then broke up with her, that would create a big mess as you would lose your cousin coming over to hang out. This is to say nothing of the pain you feel, the anxiety, dread, discomfort, and nausea. You must explain all of this to him. Make him understand that you are not saying no just to be mean. So, no dating relatives. This is a rule that you must establish. No messy people.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Would I be wrong for saying no to allowing him and her to have relations without me as he's wanting?

No, it is not wrong for you to have a limit. You do not want to date this partner while they're also dating your relatives. It would make things weird for you if you and your cousin dated and shared sex with the same person.

We've talked about this before and agreed it was something we were both interested in. However, he has opened up to me about his growing interest in my female cousin. I'd usually be all for adding another girl, as I've always wanted a 3-way with a woman. However, it feels way different when it's a family member...

What is "3-way" in this context? Are you talking about group sex? Even if he wants a threesome with you and the cousin, you don't have to oblige. You don't want to have group sex with him and your cousin. Incest is not your cup of tea.

You don't even have to share threesomes with him. You could explore threesomes on your own with other consenting people.

I don't want to hurt him by saying no altogether, just because it makes me uncomfortable that it's my cousin. But I don't know if I could emotionally handle saying yes either, as so far, with as much thought I've put into it, no matter what I still feel pain in my chest, anxiety, dread, discomfort, and sometimes even nausea.

Your feelings are telling you that you do not want this.

Should I push past my feelings and allow it, or should I set the boundary of no family?

Do you do this a lot? Do you push past your feelings and ignore them? Do you put yourself through discomfort to please a partner?

Does this person ask you to do that a lot? If so, you might reevaluate dating this person entirely.

Galagirl

 

[ref2018]

Out of aaaaaalllllll the people in the world he has to pick your cousin. How does your cousin feel about this? I'd break up with him and let him go date your cousin. See how long that lasts.

I bet he thinks it would be "hot" to date two cousins. The next best thing to dating twin sisters...

 

[Magdlyn]

I am not sure if you're reading the book Opening Up to get a better idea of how to handle the practicalities of polyamory.

First of all, just because your partner is dating someone new, it does not mean you get to also share that person's body. That person may only be interested in your partner and not be attracted to you. Polyamory does not equal group sex. Outside of the cousin issue, that is the first thing to understand.

Second, as the others have said, even if you realize you do NOT want to have sex with your cousin (and most of us would not want to do that!), it's perfectly reasonable to tell your partner you'd rather they didn't date your mother, father, stepmother, stepfather, children, uncle, aunt, sister, brother, grandparents, step-siblings, or cousins/second cousins of any gender.

Now, in your case, your female cousin comes around a lot. Your partner is not blood-related to her. He's attracted to her. This is common. When someone is around a lot, of the gender you are attracted to-- seeing them, talking to them, casually touching them, sharing food, sensing their pheromones, can cause attraction. However, there are lots of reasons, as previously stated, why this would be inappropriate.

Incest porn is very popular. "My hot stepsister, stepmother, stepfather," or "having sex with mom/daughter, "having sex with twins," etc., are on many people's wank bank lists. But there's a taboo for a reason, for many reasons. A biological reason is that incest can cause babies, and inbreeding can lead to birth defects. But the social reasons are also very real and very important.

In patriarchal cults, even now, such as the fundamentalist Mormon (FLDS) cult, men will (illegally) "marry" and definitely fuck sisters. This can't actually lead to birth defects, but still, mainstream people see it as "icky" because of the social issues. Polygamist men are inherently misogynistic, so they won't care about the discomfort two sisters may have being "married" to the same man, because women's feelings don't count. However, in mainstream culture, even amongst the polyamorist folks, incest, or something close to incest, is not looked upon favorably.

Your partner may have a crush on your cousin. That's fine. We can't help our crushes. We can do things to lessen our crushes, and we can certainly not act upon every crush we have!