NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My brother in law did that and ended up with twins!!!!!!!
There are anecdotes like this everywhere. Just don't don't don't don't don't!!!!!
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Advice re leaving a monogamous marriage
- Thread starter turtle786
- Start date
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My brother in law did that and ended up with twins!!!!!!!
There are anecdotes like this everywhere. Just don't don't don't don't don't!!!!!
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Agree. Not only is pregnancy a risk, it's terribly hurtful for at least one person when a separation/divorce is in process. Why would you have the aspiration to have sex somewhere down the line toward departure? What happened to all of the self-full talk?
Believe me, I have no desire to have a final round of sex, nor any expectations. This was in response to Galagirl’s suggestion regarding why my wife might want it, which I can understand. If she does want it so badly, I wish I could give it to her (orally). However, I recognize that this would unecessarily produce a bond that might be painful to her even if she wants it.
I think the thing is that we are at a stage at which bonds are there, and even being made further, even though she must understand at least the possibility of their being broken. She is no longer acting out her anger (for now). However, 2 nights back she came and lay down crying beside me, and said, “I’m scared.” What could I do? I felt awful. Selfless or self-full (I can’t adhere to that very good term unfortunately, as it translates another concept in a non-Western tradition that I’m steeped in), I felt awful, and in the moment it would have been callous not to give her a hug. So I lay there holding her for a while. Luckily it turned out that she was quite high, and was soon saying something about how nice it would be if we could take the subway to the rainforest.
I think the thing is that we are at a stage at which bonds are there, and even being made further, even though she must understand at least the possibility of their being broken. She is no longer acting out her anger (for now). However, 2 nights back she came and lay down crying beside me, and said, “I’m scared.” What could I do? I felt awful. Selfless or self-full (I can’t adhere to that very good term unfortunately, as it translates another concept in a non-Western tradition that I’m steeped in), I felt awful, and in the moment it would have been callous not to give her a hug. So I lay there holding her for a while. Luckily it turned out that she was quite high, and was soon saying something about how nice it would be if we could take the subway to the rainforest.
Glad you get that.
That she might want sex in her grief, but that doesn't mean sex is a good thing for either of you to do right now. Esp if you already have stopped sharing sex for the last year? Don't start that up now and add more layers of confusion.
You say "Yes. I see you are scared. I'm sorry. "
Just simple acknowledgement is good enough.
A hug is not sex. Neither is holding her hand when she's sad. Or offering her a glass of water, a blanket, some tissues, etc.
You have to become ok sitting in your own discomfort. Even as you watch her sitting in hers.
Even if wanted or the best thing under circumstances? Nobody I have known approached divorce like "hooray! Let's get ice cream!" It is NORMAL for both of you to have times where you are feeling low about it. It's a sad thing. It's ok for neither one to feel great at times. It's ok to feel sad. That's what divorce is.
Galagirl
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I wanted to thank you folks for your continued support and advice. Last week my wife and I had a conversation. It lasted 5 hours. What I want to ask you, in summary, is whether I should even be considering an open marriage/hierarchical poly at this point.
The conversation began with my telling her that I wanted to be able to hug her and be kind to her, but I didn't want her to get the wrong impression. I wanted to offer her support and physical touch because what we're going through is so hard, not because I want her to hope (thank you, GalaGirl). asking me whether I thought of our upcoming time apart as a "vacation," or as a separation. I answered truthfully that I intend to return to the house after the renovations were complete, but it will in some sense be a trial separation. She asked me how I was leaning on divorce, and I told her that I was leaning strongly towards it.
She poured all of her anxieties out to me, regarding children, her parents' immigration to this country, her job, her love for me, her love for my family, the life we'd built together, and loneliness. It all made me feel exhausted and devastated. In some part of my brain I realize that I am not the answer to all of her problems. But seeing her pain, and imagining myself as the source of so much pain, with more to come, makes me feel intensely depressed and filled with self-doubt and self-blame. I wish that I had understood myself much earlier and saved her these feelings.
At last, she asked me what it is that I want. She said, very reasonably, that she couldn't say no without understanding what it was that I was asking for. I told her that I was hesitant to talk about what I wanted in the first place, because she had told me, a few weeks ago, that I was asking for "her permission to cheat on her," and for "polygamy." She implied that I was looking for wild sex. I did not feel safe talking to her. But, finally, I went through my whole relationship history with her, and explained that I had realized that I had cut people out of my life repeatedly because they might have threatened my mono couplings, and I had unnecessarily repressed feelings for them in some cases, which was painful for me. I told her that I was able to admit to myself that I wanted emotional intimacy, and maybe more, with others, as I gained job security and learned to love myself more. I told her that when she had closed off the possibility of polyamory last year, I had told myself that perhaps I could simply repress my feelings and devote myself to my work. But a year of trying had made me realize that I couldn't; I wanted adventure, hope, and joy in my future. She actually seemed to understand all of this. She thanked me for telling her, and said that for the first time she understood where I was coming from. Possibly she is also realizing that my desire for other people was not about lack of PIV sex from her, or about our fertility issues.
Hearing this affirmation, I felt more willing to talk about what kind of polyamory I wanted. But I explained that there was a complication here. Before accepting divorce as an option, I had been thinking in terms of a primary/secondary arrangement, with certain rules to make my wife feel safe. After putting divorce on the table, I began thinking about what I really want, just me. I read up on various forms of polyamory (I even read Franklin Veaux's memoir), and the conclusion I had been coming was that I would prefer a non-hierarchical setup, without primaries or secondaries. Adding to this sense is my increasing desire to live on my own, not to cohabit with anyone, and not to have my own children. At this point I believe that I would like to be solo. I have joyous flashbacks to times when I was living alone, cleaning up my own apartment, learning to cook, and watching films alone (which I almost never do any more). However, there is a possibility that the pandemic, and being in my wife's space all the time, is leading to this desire in me. Hopefully two months of living on my own from September-October will help me to understand. Thinking about it makes me wish it were for a longer period of time.
I told her all of this, but I also told her that I had previously thought about a hierarchical setup, i.e., an open marriage. In this model, which I came up with in April, certain things would be have been off limits: no intimacy with anyone but my wife in the family home, for example. I would not cohabit with anyone else or attend family gatherings with anyone else. She would have the majority of my time, and I would need to take her endometriosis into account and care for her. Travel and sleepovers with other partners would need to be talked about in advance. However (after reading Veaux's memoir I had realized this), there must be no "veto power." My wife listened carefully and took notes. Although she slipped twice and referred to polyamory as "polygamy," I am sure that she was listening, and she apologized for her slips.
Something that raised a red flag for me, though, is that she quickly began to talk about specific people and to try to take them off the table, including one of my dearest friends, for whom, as she knows, I have felt a desire for intimacy. In other words, she is trying to pre-veto people. I had posed this model mainly to explain to her what I had previously thought when I couldn't think outside of our marriage, and I stressed that what I really wanted at this point was non-hierarchical, solo poly. As we talked I made it clear that I wasn't agreeing to a hierarchical model, and I didn't think it would work for us. Still, she said that she would think about it, and I also feel compelled to do the same. She ended the conversation by saying that she wanted to put our marriage back together in a different way, but that I also had to think about what I could give to her in return (by which I imagine she means, primarily, a baby). I responded by saying that she should instead think about what she wants for herself, regardless of our marriage, and about how she could have what she wants, without me, if necessary.
Since then I've gone back and forth on the open marriage/hierarchical poly issue in my mind. I do love my wife, and the thought of hurting her is devastating to me. Of course I recognize that that is no reason to stay in the marriage. To turn to myself, there was a time, not so long ago, when I believed that I needed the safety of a primary relationship in order to experience others. She is a reliable partner; I can count on her to help get things done. My family really loves her. We share a cultural background, and have common ties to our racialized community in this city. I am a bit afraid of the whiteness of the poly world. On the other hand, as long as I am married, I will probably never feel fully free and independent. I fear her desire for children, even if I admire it too, to some extent. I fear that we will bring a child into the world, or adopt, and then realize that we must divorce. At that point, it would be painful for the child, and infinitely more painful for us. I can't help worrying that an open marriage may just be a way of delaying an inevitable divorce.
Your thoughts would be appreciated. <3
The conversation began with my telling her that I wanted to be able to hug her and be kind to her, but I didn't want her to get the wrong impression. I wanted to offer her support and physical touch because what we're going through is so hard, not because I want her to hope (thank you, GalaGirl). asking me whether I thought of our upcoming time apart as a "vacation," or as a separation. I answered truthfully that I intend to return to the house after the renovations were complete, but it will in some sense be a trial separation. She asked me how I was leaning on divorce, and I told her that I was leaning strongly towards it.
She poured all of her anxieties out to me, regarding children, her parents' immigration to this country, her job, her love for me, her love for my family, the life we'd built together, and loneliness. It all made me feel exhausted and devastated. In some part of my brain I realize that I am not the answer to all of her problems. But seeing her pain, and imagining myself as the source of so much pain, with more to come, makes me feel intensely depressed and filled with self-doubt and self-blame. I wish that I had understood myself much earlier and saved her these feelings.
At last, she asked me what it is that I want. She said, very reasonably, that she couldn't say no without understanding what it was that I was asking for. I told her that I was hesitant to talk about what I wanted in the first place, because she had told me, a few weeks ago, that I was asking for "her permission to cheat on her," and for "polygamy." She implied that I was looking for wild sex. I did not feel safe talking to her. But, finally, I went through my whole relationship history with her, and explained that I had realized that I had cut people out of my life repeatedly because they might have threatened my mono couplings, and I had unnecessarily repressed feelings for them in some cases, which was painful for me. I told her that I was able to admit to myself that I wanted emotional intimacy, and maybe more, with others, as I gained job security and learned to love myself more. I told her that when she had closed off the possibility of polyamory last year, I had told myself that perhaps I could simply repress my feelings and devote myself to my work. But a year of trying had made me realize that I couldn't; I wanted adventure, hope, and joy in my future. She actually seemed to understand all of this. She thanked me for telling her, and said that for the first time she understood where I was coming from. Possibly she is also realizing that my desire for other people was not about lack of PIV sex from her, or about our fertility issues.
Hearing this affirmation, I felt more willing to talk about what kind of polyamory I wanted. But I explained that there was a complication here. Before accepting divorce as an option, I had been thinking in terms of a primary/secondary arrangement, with certain rules to make my wife feel safe. After putting divorce on the table, I began thinking about what I really want, just me. I read up on various forms of polyamory (I even read Franklin Veaux's memoir), and the conclusion I had been coming was that I would prefer a non-hierarchical setup, without primaries or secondaries. Adding to this sense is my increasing desire to live on my own, not to cohabit with anyone, and not to have my own children. At this point I believe that I would like to be solo. I have joyous flashbacks to times when I was living alone, cleaning up my own apartment, learning to cook, and watching films alone (which I almost never do any more). However, there is a possibility that the pandemic, and being in my wife's space all the time, is leading to this desire in me. Hopefully two months of living on my own from September-October will help me to understand. Thinking about it makes me wish it were for a longer period of time.
I told her all of this, but I also told her that I had previously thought about a hierarchical setup, i.e., an open marriage. In this model, which I came up with in April, certain things would be have been off limits: no intimacy with anyone but my wife in the family home, for example. I would not cohabit with anyone else or attend family gatherings with anyone else. She would have the majority of my time, and I would need to take her endometriosis into account and care for her. Travel and sleepovers with other partners would need to be talked about in advance. However (after reading Veaux's memoir I had realized this), there must be no "veto power." My wife listened carefully and took notes. Although she slipped twice and referred to polyamory as "polygamy," I am sure that she was listening, and she apologized for her slips.
Something that raised a red flag for me, though, is that she quickly began to talk about specific people and to try to take them off the table, including one of my dearest friends, for whom, as she knows, I have felt a desire for intimacy. In other words, she is trying to pre-veto people. I had posed this model mainly to explain to her what I had previously thought when I couldn't think outside of our marriage, and I stressed that what I really wanted at this point was non-hierarchical, solo poly. As we talked I made it clear that I wasn't agreeing to a hierarchical model, and I didn't think it would work for us. Still, she said that she would think about it, and I also feel compelled to do the same. She ended the conversation by saying that she wanted to put our marriage back together in a different way, but that I also had to think about what I could give to her in return (by which I imagine she means, primarily, a baby). I responded by saying that she should instead think about what she wants for herself, regardless of our marriage, and about how she could have what she wants, without me, if necessary.
Since then I've gone back and forth on the open marriage/hierarchical poly issue in my mind. I do love my wife, and the thought of hurting her is devastating to me. Of course I recognize that that is no reason to stay in the marriage. To turn to myself, there was a time, not so long ago, when I believed that I needed the safety of a primary relationship in order to experience others. She is a reliable partner; I can count on her to help get things done. My family really loves her. We share a cultural background, and have common ties to our racialized community in this city. I am a bit afraid of the whiteness of the poly world. On the other hand, as long as I am married, I will probably never feel fully free and independent. I fear her desire for children, even if I admire it too, to some extent. I fear that we will bring a child into the world, or adopt, and then realize that we must divorce. At that point, it would be painful for the child, and infinitely more painful for us. I can't help worrying that an open marriage may just be a way of delaying an inevitable divorce.
Your thoughts would be appreciated. <3
I hope you feel better airing some of that out.
FWIW?
I don't take meetings for 5 hours. That is just exhausting. Even in a work retreat setting, I get a schedule with the workshop topics, and times for meals, breaks, rest, etc.
So don't do that any more. Instead, set appointments for ONE topic at a time.
If it helps to see what YOU want in bullet list without all the wife stuff... here is what I see you express.
So stick with what you want and DO NOT have poly talks with your Soon to be Ex Wife. (STBX). Like why bother? She would not be in your solo poly network. You both have different ways of going. It's nice she's calmed down and is hearing you better on that front and is more understanding of your poly realization. But that doesn't mean she's a good person to DO poly with, esp if she leans mono.
Please do not jump through a bunch of hoops to try to do poly with her just to avoid breaking up. Be on your guard on that. From both directions -- you or her.
And this is where you could practice some emotional detachment. Not that you do not care about your STBX. But you are inside the "divorce circle" WITH HER.
You have your OWN load of sadness to process. Your OWN questions to answer about your post divorce life.
You cannot help her with all her list. You would not be an objective party. She could turn to other family, friends, and maybe even a counselor for divorce support and help making her post divorce life plan.
You can only help with the stuff that is "both our stuff" like on both lists. For instance, division of shared bank accounts. That's a shared job to sort.
Some of the stuff is gonna be "just you stuff" and "just her stuff." That's not being mean or unfair or anything awful. It's just separate jobs to stort.
So if she goes there like trying to dump all this stuff AT you? You are not obligated to carry her load for her or fix it all for her.
You could keep it simple and say "Yes. I see this is hard on you. I also have my own bucket of sad and anxiety and worries. I think it is best to process those buckets with people OUTSIDE the divorce circle. Like spread the load out. Not keep all this load inside here on just us. And the ones we do together only be the "our shared stuff" ones. "
It is not reasonable expectation of yourself to be a divorcing person AND be like your wife's free divorce counselor. Add talking for 5 hours?
Of COURSE you are tired and exhausted. Stop doing this behavior. Only talk to STBX wife in 1 hour installments max. And if anyone emotionally floods, stop right away. Don't even go for the whole hour. That is what I suggest.
You have your own bucket to deal in.
This is maybe the things in "our shared bucket" because both have to answer.
Good.
So why do you do that thinking behavior? If you (imagine yourself as the source of her pain) and it (makes you feel crap)? Why do it?
Why be your own self bully/self punisher?
I do not think you aren't being mean asking for divorce.To me it would suck MORE to let it ride. With you going all repressed and unhappy. And her not getting an authentic partner that wants what she wants. You taking up her Sweetie spot since she is monogamous. And then neither not getting what they really want form their romantic relationship. How would that be better?
I know divorce stinks, but it's stink with an end point and hope for better for each of you.
Rather than a "going thru the motions" type marriage where both are not thriving. Not really. And it's stink that never ends. That would be worse to me.
Yes, it would have been good to be able to tell her way back when dating that you are poly. Saved some of this grief on both sides. But it didn't pan out that way. And when you have limited energy due to divorce stress? Ruminating on the "could have beens" and "wish it was" stuff may not help move you forward in a constructive way. Could stop that behavior.
No. Could taking doing poly with her off the table. Cuz you decide you WON'T be doing poly with her. Cuz she is monogamous.
Focus on getting through the divorce process as peacefully as possible FIRST while each one trying to respect that the other one has their own sad load to deal in.
THEN move on to figuring out how you want to do solo poly post divorce SECOND.
That's what I suggest. Do things one at a time rather than overloading yourself.
And as the questions come up? Don't rush to do anything. Just list it out. And maybe organize in the correct pile of "just her stuff", "just you stuff" and "our shared stuff."
Do think about a divorce support counselor for each of you.
Baby steps, right?
Galagirl
FWIW?
I don't take meetings for 5 hours. That is just exhausting. Even in a work retreat setting, I get a schedule with the workshop topics, and times for meals, breaks, rest, etc.
So don't do that any more. Instead, set appointments for ONE topic at a time.
If it helps to see what YOU want in bullet list without all the wife stuff... here is what I see you express.
- I am leaning strongly towards divorce.
- I intend to return to the house after the renovations were complete.
- I view this time apart as a trial separation. I wish it was actually longer time apart. (So set it for longer. What stops you?)
- I want solo polyamory. I have joyous flashbacks to times when I was living alone, cleaning up my own apartment, learning to cook, and watching films alone (which I almost never do any more).
- I want to use the time apart to make sure this is what I really want and not just me reacting to pandemic/being cooped up with wife all the time.
- I want solo polyamory. I have joyous flashbacks to times when I was living alone, cleaning up my own apartment, learning to cook, and watching films alone (which I almost never do any more).
- Ultimately? I want to live on my own, and not to cohabitate with anyone
- Ultimately? I do not want to have children.
So stick with what you want and DO NOT have poly talks with your Soon to be Ex Wife. (STBX). Like why bother? She would not be in your solo poly network. You both have different ways of going. It's nice she's calmed down and is hearing you better on that front and is more understanding of your poly realization. But that doesn't mean she's a good person to DO poly with, esp if she leans mono.
Please do not jump through a bunch of hoops to try to do poly with her just to avoid breaking up. Be on your guard on that. From both directions -- you or her.
And this is where you could practice some emotional detachment. Not that you do not care about your STBX. But you are inside the "divorce circle" WITH HER.
You have your OWN load of sadness to process. Your OWN questions to answer about your post divorce life.
You cannot help her with all her list. You would not be an objective party. She could turn to other family, friends, and maybe even a counselor for divorce support and help making her post divorce life plan.
You can only help with the stuff that is "both our stuff" like on both lists. For instance, division of shared bank accounts. That's a shared job to sort.
Some of the stuff is gonna be "just you stuff" and "just her stuff." That's not being mean or unfair or anything awful. It's just separate jobs to stort.
- How will she deal wanting children now that she knows it won't be with you?
- How will she help with her parents' immigration to this country post divorce?
- How she will do with her job/finances post divorce?
- How will she show love for you as her ex in appropriate ways post divorce?
- How will she show her love for your family after? She wants to keep up relationships with X people after divorce. (That's between them and her, not you, though you could make it known in your family you plan to be good exes, so hope they do same.)
- How she will mourn the loss of the life built together up to this point?
- How she will cope with post divorce loneliness?
So if she goes there like trying to dump all this stuff AT you? You are not obligated to carry her load for her or fix it all for her.
You could keep it simple and say "Yes. I see this is hard on you. I also have my own bucket of sad and anxiety and worries. I think it is best to process those buckets with people OUTSIDE the divorce circle. Like spread the load out. Not keep all this load inside here on just us. And the ones we do together only be the "our shared stuff" ones. "
It is not reasonable expectation of yourself to be a divorcing person AND be like your wife's free divorce counselor. Add talking for 5 hours?
Of COURSE you are tired and exhausted. Stop doing this behavior. Only talk to STBX wife in 1 hour installments max. And if anyone emotionally floods, stop right away. Don't even go for the whole hour. That is what I suggest.
You have your own bucket to deal in.
- How do show I love for my ex after divorce in appopriate ways?
- My family really loves her. How can I help ease new relationships there post divorce?
This is maybe the things in "our shared bucket" because both have to answer.
- How much can we count on each other as exes after divorce in appropriate ways?
- We share a cultural background, and have common ties to our racialized community in this city. How do we behave as friendly exes in our community?
- What figure in her kids lives (if any) would I want? She want me to be? Like godfather or "uncle" or something?
Good.
So why do you do that thinking behavior? If you (imagine yourself as the source of her pain) and it (makes you feel crap)? Why do it?
Why be your own self bully/self punisher?
I do not think you aren't being mean asking for divorce.To me it would suck MORE to let it ride. With you going all repressed and unhappy. And her not getting an authentic partner that wants what she wants. You taking up her Sweetie spot since she is monogamous. And then neither not getting what they really want form their romantic relationship. How would that be better?
I know divorce stinks, but it's stink with an end point and hope for better for each of you.
Rather than a "going thru the motions" type marriage where both are not thriving. Not really. And it's stink that never ends. That would be worse to me.
Yes, it would have been good to be able to tell her way back when dating that you are poly. Saved some of this grief on both sides. But it didn't pan out that way. And when you have limited energy due to divorce stress? Ruminating on the "could have beens" and "wish it was" stuff may not help move you forward in a constructive way. Could stop that behavior.
No. Could taking doing poly with her off the table. Cuz you decide you WON'T be doing poly with her. Cuz she is monogamous.
Focus on getting through the divorce process as peacefully as possible FIRST while each one trying to respect that the other one has their own sad load to deal in.
THEN move on to figuring out how you want to do solo poly post divorce SECOND.
That's what I suggest. Do things one at a time rather than overloading yourself.
And as the questions come up? Don't rush to do anything. Just list it out. And maybe organize in the correct pile of "just her stuff", "just you stuff" and "our shared stuff."
Do think about a divorce support counselor for each of you.
Baby steps, right?
Galagirl
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
You don't have to worry about it, you can just know it. Be honest with yourself about this and then you don't have to wonder or worry. Truly, there's nothing here that suggests your wife would be happy with any flavor of poly. She'd just be going along with poly to keep you in her life for as long as you both can tolerate the situation. Everything you're writing about is a normal couple heading into divorce. I wouldn't drag poly into this to try and pad the pain of the inevitable. I read every word of your thread and don't see one micro-molecule of evidence that your wife would be happy in a polyamorous marriage.
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I don't take meetings for 5 hours; that is just exhausting. Even in a work retreat setting, you get a schedule with the workshop topics, and times for meals, breaks, rest, etc.
Don't do that any more. Instead, set up appointments for one topic at a time.
If it helps to see what you personally want in a bullet list form, without all the wife stuff, here is what I see you expressing.
- I am leaning strongly towards divorce.
- I intend to return to the house after the renovations are complete.
- I view this time apart as a trial separation. I wish it was actually for a longer time apart. (You could set it for longer. What is stopping you?)
- I want solo polyamory. I have joyous flashbacks to times when I was living alone, cleaning up my own apartment, learning to cook, and watching films alone (which I almost never do any more).
- I want to use the time apart to make sure this is what I really want, and not just me reacting to the pandemic and being cooped up with my wife all the time.
- Ultimately, I want to live on my own, and not cohabitate with anyone
- Ultimately, I do not want to have children.
Stick with what you want. DO NOT have poly talks with your Soon to be Ex Wife (STBX). Like, why bother? She would not be in your solo poly network. You both have different ways of going. It's nice that she has calmed down, is hearing you better on that front, and is more understanding of your poly realization. But that doesn't mean she's a good person to DO poly with, especially if she leans mono.
Please do not jump through a bunch of hoops, trying to do poly with her, just to avoid breaking up. Be on your guard on that, from both directions, you and her.
This is where you could practice some emotional detachment. Is it not that you do not care about your STBX, but you are inside the "divorce circle" WITH HER. You have your own load of sadness to process, your own questions to answer about your post divorce life.
You cannot help her with everything on her list. You are not an objective party. She could turn to other family, friends, maybe even a counselor for divorce support, and for help making her post-divorce life plans. You can only help with the stuff that is "both our stuff," like, on both lists. For instance: the division of shared bank accounts.
Some of the stuff is going be "just you stuff," and some "just her stuff." That's not being mean or unfair or anything awful. It's just separate jobs to sort out.
Her stuff:
- How will she deal with wanting children, now that she knows it won't be with you?
- How will she help with her parents' immigration to this country post-divorce?
- How she will deal with her job and finances post-divorce?
- How will she show love for you as her ex, in appropriate ways, post-divorce?
- How will she show her love for your family post-divorce? (She wants to keep up relationships with X people after divorce. That's between them and her, not you, although you could make it known in your family that you plan to be good exes, and hope they do the same.)
- How will she mourn the loss of the life that you built together, up to this point?
- How will she cope with post-divorce loneliness?
If she is trying to dump all this stuff on you, you are not obligated to carry her load for her, or fix it all for her. You could keep it simple, and say, "Yes, I see this is hard on you. I also have my own bucket of sadness and anxiety and worries. I think it is best to process those buckets with people OUTSIDE the divorce circle, spread the load out, and not keep all this load inside here, on just us. The ones we do together can be only our shared stuff."
It is not reasonable to expect yourself to be a divorcing person AND be your wife's free divorce counselor. Add in talking for 5 hours, and of COURSE you are tired and exhausted. Stop doing this behavior. Only talk to STBX wife in 1 hour installments, max. And if anyone emotionally floods, stop right away, don't even go for the whole hour. That is what I suggest.
You have your own bucket to deal with.
- How do show I love for my ex after divorce, in appropriate ways?
- My family really loves her. How can I help ease new relationships there, post-divorce?
These may be the things in your shared bucket, because you both have to answer the questions:
- How much can we count on each other as exes, after divorce, in appropriate ways?
- We share a cultural background, and have common ties to our racialized community in this city. How do we behave as friendly exes in our community?
- How do I want to figure in her kids' lives (if she has any)? Does she want me to be like a godfather, or an "uncle"?
If you imagine yourself as the source of her pain and it makes you feel crap, why do it? Why be your own self-bully/self-punisher?
I do not think you are being mean asking for a divorce. I think it would suck MORE to let it ride, with you feeling all repressed and unhappy, and her not getting an authentic partner that wants what she wants. You are now taking up her "sweetie spot," since she is monogamous. Neither of you are getting what you really want from this romantic relationship. How is that better?
I know divorce stinks, but it's stinky with an end point, and with hope for better lives and relationships for each of you, rather than a "going through the motions" type marriage, where both are not really thriving, a stink that never ends. That would be worse, for me.
It would have been good to have been able to tell her, way back when you were first dating, that you were poly, and saved both of you some of this grief. But it didn't pan out that way. When you have limited energy, due to divorce stress, ruminating on the "could have beens" and "wish it was" stuff may not help move you forward in a constructive way. You could stop that behavior.
You could take poly off the table, because you won't be doing poly with her. She is monogamous. Instead, you could first focus on getting through the divorce process as peacefully as possible, while each one tries to respect that the other one has their own sad load to deal with. Then, move on to figuring out how you personally want to do solo poly, post-divorce. Do things one at a time, rather than overloading yourself.
This seems like a good outline.
vinsanity0
Active member
I just want to point out that your choices aren't limited to hierarchy or solo. There are plenty of people who have nesting partners and practice non-hierarchical poly.