Advice Requested

[CNC]

A while ago my current partner and I agreed to enter a poly relationship with another couple in to see how things would go. We all agreed that communication would be a very important factor as we explored being poly and that we would see how things went. The relationship went well for the most part and while we eventually decided as a group that it was not quite right for us and we separated out into individual couples again, we have all remained friends and still hang out.

One of the issues that occurred in the relationship was that my partner wanted to date a fifth person and potentially bring them into the relationship. We all discussed it as a group, and decided against it as it was still early days for us all and we wanted to get used to things. They were understanding of this, but unknown to us continued to pursue things with that person after the fact. The details of this did not come out until both after the group relationship had ended, and the matter between my partner and this other individual had also ended.

Since then, my partner has had associations with others to varying degrees, though nothing has gone too far, or so I would assume as I have not been provided details. As such I have had no issue with this.

They did however let me know that something had happened with one of their friends a few months back, progressing beyond the normal flirtations and I was grateful to be informed, assuming it was a one time or casual thing.

However, since then, things have continued between this friend the details of which I have not been made aware of. I was made aware of some of it when my partner finally asked if they could pursue an official relationship with them as they had developed strong feelings and had already developed the relationship in all but name.

I gave it some thought and explained that for me the way this had all developed, had really gone against what had agreed regarding communication of such things. Thus, the relationship would certainly make me feel uncomfortable, due to its origins. I felt this would impact my feelings when they were with them.

Naturally they are upset, and I do not like seeing them this way. I do not know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be controlling or attempt to force the matter but at the same time I need to be honest with how I feel regarding this situation. I don’t want to see them upset, but I worry that giving it my blessing would impact our relationship due to the feelings associated with how it came about.

In addition to this I do not know this friend exceptionally well, and thus I have been trying not to judge. However, before all this came to the forefront, I was already concerned they were taking advantage of my partners generosity after my partner lent them a large sum of money to bail them out when debt collectors were at their door. Since this time, they have been attending expensive events and purchasing expensive games without any indication of paying back my partner, which I admit has not left me with a favourable view of them.

Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

We all agreed that communication would be a very important factor as we explored being poly and that we would see how things went.

So those were the quad agreements. When you and partner broke up with the other couple? Were new agreements made?

Like y'all would keep exploring poly dating separately even if that couple quad thing didn't pan out?

You would go back monogamy?

Or you each assumed different? They thought "keep on exploring" and you thought "Flirting with friends is fine, but not actually poly dating people any more" and not until this thing did it come to light?

However, since then, things have continued between this friend the details of which I have not been made aware of. I was made aware of some of it when my partner finally asked if they could pursue an official relationship with them as they had developed strong feelings and had already developed the relationship in all but name.

Are you and partner open to poly or not? Why do they have to ask you if they can have an "official relationship" with someone else?

I gave it some thought and explained that for me the way this had all developed, had really gone against what had agreed regarding communication of such things. Thus, the relationship would certainly make me feel uncomfortable, due to its origins. I felt this would impact my feelings when they were with them.

Were they cheating on agreements? Or each one assumed different since the break up of the quad?

I imagine how you handle this depends on that answer.

Galgirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello CNC,

In light of the proverb, "Honesty is the best policy," I do not think you should pretend to be okay with something you're not okay with. I don't know if you can even honestly say, "I'm not thrilled about this relationship you want to pursue, but I will not forbid it." If you have to lie, don't say it.

This person's poor handling of money is certainly a concern, but somewhat of a separate issue. You can express your concerns, but it's really something only your partner and the new friend can sort out between themselves.

At this point I think what you need to do, is figure out if/how you will respond if your partner continues this other relationship without your blessing. You can't stop them from doing that, you can only decide what you will do. Will you break up with them? temporarily separate? or something less drastic?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

A while ago my current partner Jo and I agreed to enter a poly relationship with another couple (Rabbit and Squirrel).

Hi CNC,

For better ease of reading and understanding, I am going to give nicknames to your current and past partners. It seems your primary partner is being referred to with the pronoun "they." I will give them a non-gendered nickname, Jo. I'll call the other couple Rabbit and Squirrel, and Jo's first partner Reed and current partner Taylor. (Of course you can choose other names if you wish.)

We all agreed that communication would be a very important factor as we explored being poly and that we would see how things went. The relationship went well, for the most part, and while we eventually decided as a group that it was not quite right for us and we separated out into individual couples again, we have all remained friends and still hang out.

Just a helpful note: Being in a quad is not "a relationship." There are multiple relationships. Each dyad will have its own dynamic and growth pattern. Rarely do quads work out long term. There are so many moving parts, and if one dyad does not work out emotionally, romantically, sexually or for whatever reason, often the whole quad falls apart. I am glad though that you and Jo have been able to remain friends with this couple.

One of the issues that occurred in the relationship

Relationships, plural!

was that Jo wanted to date a fifth [another] person, Reed, and potentially bring them into the relationship.

You don't bring new people into "a relationship." That is a common way to put it (if you're new to poly) but it just isn't realistic. You might say you're bringing them into your poly network (in whatever capacity). But again, there are multiple relationships going on here. Reed may or may not want to meet the other partners, much less be friends with them or date them.

Now, some couples, triads, Vs or quads do have a rule that everyone must vet and approve of any new person anyone of them wants to date. Even if just one member wants to date this new person, the whole group has to meet them and approve of them. That is a tall order, and can seem extremely intimidating to the new person.

We all discussed it as a group, and decided against it as it was still early days for us all and we wanted to get used to things.

Fair enough, to want to not be completely open to a dating free-for-all when multiple new relationships are just beginning to develop.

Jo was understanding of this, but unknown to us, continued to pursue things with Reed after the fact.

So Jo gave lip service only to the decree of the other three in the quad. Communication broke down and dishonesty began. Jo might have felt too much pressure from the group, and wanted more autonomy to pursue dating whomever they wanted. But they didn't feel able to admit this. They might have felt intimidated, or Reed might have objected to being vetted by three people they didn't actually want to date.

The details of this did not come out until both after the group's relationship had ended, and the matter between Jo and Reed had also ended.

Since then, Jo has had associations with others to varying degrees, though nothing has gone too far, or so I would assume, as I have not been provided details. As such. I have had no issue with this.

You have no issue with being left in the dark about who Jo has been dating? Do you live with Jo? It sounds like you do not, nor do you share finances? How much time do you and Jo spend together? How invested are you in them? How long have you been dating?

Jo did however let me know that something had happened with one of their friends (Taylor) a few months back, progressing beyond the normal flirtations.

What are "normal" flirtations? Do you two have an agreement that a degree of flirting is fine, but once things start to actually get physical, you need to give the other a heads-up?

I was grateful to be informed, assuming it was a one time or casual thing.

So you both have agreed that casual sex, even a one night stand, is OK. I am not sure why you assumed this would be a mere hookup.

However, since then, things have continued with Taylor, the details of which I have not been made aware of. I was made aware of some of it when Jo finally asked if they could pursue an official relationship with Taylor, as they had developed strong feelings and had already developed the relationship in all but name.

Like GalaGirl, I wonder why you have to approve of Jo taking a new relationship past casual early dating to something more serious. If you're polyamorous, the goal is romantic feelings, and the sex that goes with it (if you're not asexual).

Polyamory does require excellent open communication, without giving TMI. Do you not feel good trusting Jo to be upfront about what they're up to with others? Their style didn't seem to mesh with the quad, and now you're upset with the choice of Taylor as a partner too. Are you both on different wavelengths?

I gave it some thought and explained that, for me, the way this had all developed had really gone against what had been agreed regarding communication of such things. Thus, the relationship would certainly make me feel uncomfortable, due to its origins. I felt this would impact my feelings.

So your communication with Jo is unsatisfactory, no matter whom they are attempting to date.

Naturally Jo is upset. I do not like seeing them this way. I do not know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be controlling or attempt to force the matter, but at the same time I need to be honest about how I feel regarding this situation. I don’t want to see Jo upset, but I worry that giving it my blessing would impact our relationship due to the feelings associated with how it came about.

In addition to this, I do not know Taylor exceptionally well, and thus I have been trying not to judge. However, before all this came to the forefront, I was already concerned that Taylor was taking advantage of Jo's generosity after Jo lent Taylor a large sum of money to bail them out when debt collectors were at their door. Since this time, Taylor has been attending expensive events and purchasing expensive games without any indication of paying Jo back, which I admit has not left me with a favourable view of them.

Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

If you are not sharing finances with Jo, it seems to me that they can make their own choices about what to do with their money. Yes, it does sound like Taylor is taking advantage of Jo, and is not handling their own choices in spending well. You are worried that Jo will be hurt. However, Jo is an adult and can make their own choices. You could express reservations about Taylor, but you can't tell Jo not to date them. However, you can always pull out of your relationship with Jo if you find that, again and again, their choice of partners and less than transparent communication style makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Marcus]

Naturally they are upset, and I do not like seeing them this way. I do not know what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be controlling or attempt to force the matter but at the same time I need to be honest with how I feel regarding this situation. I don’t want to see them upset, but I worry that giving it my blessing would impact our relationship due to the feelings associated with how it came about.

Your partner has demonstrated that they aren't on board with the agreements as they are being set out. More importantly, they have demonstrated that they are not comfortable with being honest about this fact. It sounds like they are just nodding "sure, sounds good, I'll abide by that rule" and then just handing their relationships however they want to.

Now don't get me wrong, I am fully in favor of everyone handling their own relationships, and I won't have it any other way, but I actually SAY that, and don't cause resentment by saying one thing and doing another. Your partner is building your sense of distrust in them, and the rules you want to put in place are building resentment in them.

In order for this to work, everyone needs to be comfortable with expressing the rules they are cool with, and the ones they aren't cool with. If people don't agree on the rules, then the nature of the association needs to be updated to fit within the existing rule set that everyone DOES agree with. Anything else is just building in disfunction, frustration, and resentment.

However, before all this came to the forefront, I was already concerned they were taking advantage of my partners generosity after my partner lent them a large sum of money to bail them out when debt collectors were at their door. Since this time, they have been attending expensive events and purchasing expensive games without any indication of paying back my partner, which I admit has not left me with a favourable view of them.

Do yourself a favor, and let your partner deal with their own relationships. If this guy she's dating is a scumbag... that's something she'll have to deal with. Your relationship is with HER, and their relationship is between THEM. When people start nosing in on each other's relationships, that's just more frustration and resentment.

 

[Magdlyn]

Do yourself a favor, and let your partner deal with their own relationships. If this guy she's dating is a scumbag... that's something she'll have to deal with. Your relationship is with HER, and their relationship is between THEM. When people start nosing in on each other's relationships, that's just more frustration and resentment.

I made a couple adjustments to pronouns, since you slipped just at the end. The OP would prefer a gender-neutral pronoun for anonymity's sake or for other reasons.

Do yourself a favor, and let your partner [Jo] deal with their own relationships. If this person [Taylor] they are dating is a [expletive]... that's something they'll have to deal with. Your relationship is with them (Jo] and their [plural] relationship is between THEM. When people start nosing in on each other's relationships, that's just more frustration and resentment.

 

[Marcus]

I made a couple adjustments to pronouns, since you slipped just at the end. The OP would prefer a gender-neutral pronoun for anonymity's sake or for other reasons.

No offense was intended. I was just going off of context clues.

Since I'm assuming this kind of chastisement is the norm going forward, I'll just either use names or I'll make them up if I don't see any available.