My wife and I recently started in poly. I found a GF pretty quick, the wife hasn't. Not for lack of trying, she's just picky. A few guys she has talked to and clicked with pulled back for various reasons (not feeling ready, bad place with the SO, etc). She also has some bad poly-type history involving her ex and another woman; this woman and her ex are now married. This, combined with her not having any luck finding a BF and some other insecurities, is causing her to reevaluate whether or not she want to continue living poly. We've talked and come to an agreement, but I feel this may be a temporary thing if she can't work through her struggles. I've tried to get her to read More Than 2, which I am currently reading, to help her get some insight on how to work things through. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can while maintaining my relationship with my GF, who is also being very supportive and flexible. My wife and GF are very good friends who love each other very much. I'm looking for advice on how to support my wife and help her find her way through. I am definitely NOT trying to steer her in any direction. If she decides to go back to a mono life, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I don't believe she truly wants to drop out of poly, I think she's just feeling stuck and doesn't see many options. Any advice?
Advice-wife not sure if she wants to continue poly
- Thread starter AZpolyT8R
- Start date
Hello AZpolyT8R,
It sounds like your wife needs help on how to find others to poly with. Just a question, has she tried OKCupid yet? It is a poly-friendly dating site and she may have better luck there. I can provide various links for finding people if you think it might help. Do you have any poly groups (meetups) in your area? That might be another avenue she can pursue.
When you say, "not sure if she wants to continue poly," do you mean that she is thinking of going into a mono/poly arrangement with you where you are still poly while she is mono, or, is she thinking about going back to a mono/mono life with you where you are not poly either? The mono/poly and mono/mono roads are both viable possibilities. You have a girlfriend, so, you going back to monogamy would affect that girlfriend.
I hope your wife has better luck soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your wife needs help on how to find others to poly with. Just a question, has she tried OKCupid yet? It is a poly-friendly dating site and she may have better luck there. I can provide various links for finding people if you think it might help. Do you have any poly groups (meetups) in your area? That might be another avenue she can pursue.
When you say, "not sure if she wants to continue poly," do you mean that she is thinking of going into a mono/poly arrangement with you where you are still poly while she is mono, or, is she thinking about going back to a mono/mono life with you where you are not poly either? The mono/poly and mono/mono roads are both viable possibilities. You have a girlfriend, so, you going back to monogamy would affect that girlfriend.
I hope your wife has better luck soon.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I'm sorry you struggle watching wife process.
It does sound like it's her process though. You cannot do any of that for her.
Have you considered asking HER that? What kind of support she would like from you at this time? Maybe she wants your help and support. Maybe she doesn't right now and needs some space/quiet.
Could you be willing to clarify what that means?
Like... does that mean she stops poly dating? And she's ok as the end point in the V -- like a mono-poly situation?
Does that mean she wants to be totally monogamous? No other people? So then you have to decided if you are going to continue with poly on your own or not?
Something else?
Well, maybe there isn't anything for you to do.
Just because you are each free to date others? Doesn't mean your other relationships will work out in the same way or pace.
You could tell her you are sorry she's having a tough time dating right now, and that you are around if she needs to talk.
And then let it be. Let her come to you.
You can't be a mind reader.
Galagirl
It does sound like it's her process though. You cannot do any of that for her.
Have you considered asking HER that? What kind of support she would like from you at this time? Maybe she wants your help and support. Maybe she doesn't right now and needs some space/quiet.
Could you be willing to clarify what that means?
Like... does that mean she stops poly dating? And she's ok as the end point in the V -- like a mono-poly situation?
Does that mean she wants to be totally monogamous? No other people? So then you have to decided if you are going to continue with poly on your own or not?
Something else?
Well, maybe there isn't anything for you to do.
Just because you are each free to date others? Doesn't mean your other relationships will work out in the same way or pace.
You could tell her you are sorry she's having a tough time dating right now, and that you are around if she needs to talk.
And then let it be. Let her come to you.
You can't be a mind reader.
Galagirl
dingedheart
Well-known member
How recently?
WHile you two can work together to help her with this baggage and have things move more comfortably for all parties, this is something in the end she alone has to work on and deal with. You can't fix her hang-ups.
To me, this sounds like she has some sour grapes. She isn't finding anyone so now she wants to close things again. Which is...pretty shitty.
Did any other these possibilities get discussed before you guys opened up?
What agreement?
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Have you been able to ask her what would help her most?
I'd start thinking about that now; what will you do if she says "mono or bust"?
FelicityB
New member
AzpolyT8R, Hello!
You say you recently started in poly. Whose idea was it?
I agree with ElMango-- sounds like she wanted to be poly but when she didn't find anyone and you did, she became jealous and now wants out. Yeah, not cool.
Im truly sorry she is struggling but they are HER struggles. I too have that book and have read it WITH my husband but you cannot fix things for anyone. They have to do it on their own. I also go to counseling but my husband refuses to go. (It helps me see that what I am doing is not wrong, in a poly sense, and that his issues are his, not mine) Have you suggested going to see someone together?
You say you've come to an agreement for now. What kind? Im going to assume your agreement is for you to continue your relationship and she is going to try and be supportive and keep looking. If that's the case, has anything else changed?
And what WILL you do if she insists on going back to mono? Personally for me, I would refuse unless she had gone to a counselor to deal with her insecurities and given this poly life more of a try than "I can't find anyone so now I want out".
You say you recently started in poly. Whose idea was it?
I agree with ElMango-- sounds like she wanted to be poly but when she didn't find anyone and you did, she became jealous and now wants out. Yeah, not cool.
Im truly sorry she is struggling but they are HER struggles. I too have that book and have read it WITH my husband but you cannot fix things for anyone. They have to do it on their own. I also go to counseling but my husband refuses to go. (It helps me see that what I am doing is not wrong, in a poly sense, and that his issues are his, not mine) Have you suggested going to see someone together?
You say you've come to an agreement for now. What kind? Im going to assume your agreement is for you to continue your relationship and she is going to try and be supportive and keep looking. If that's the case, has anything else changed?
And what WILL you do if she insists on going back to mono? Personally for me, I would refuse unless she had gone to a counselor to deal with her insecurities and given this poly life more of a try than "I can't find anyone so now I want out".
Marcus
Well-known member
I get that you are concerned, and want to do what you can to make your home life as smooth as possible, but you are on a dangerous path.
I feel confident that your wife can handle her own issues if she wants to. If she wants to be non-monogamous in one way or another, she can sort that out. I know it is expected that people who are coupled up will just carry each others baggage around, but all it does is give you a bad back, and her weak legs. Let her carry her own bags, and you carry yours.