Hello, I am 35 and have been in a poly relationship for at least 7 years. The beginning of the new relationship was not the right way to go about it. I know that now and knew it then. I wasn't giving my wife enough attention. It was a cycle of pressure to be better, and it unconsciously pushed me further away, even though I have always loved her.
She brought up the idea of an open relationship, and I agreed solely because I wanted her to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. Eventually, after a while of her dating other people, I got used to it. Her ex-boyfriend came back from living in New York, so they started talking again. He became her serious boyfriend for these past 8 years.
At some point, she said she wanted to stop having sexual relations with me because I was not emotionally connected with her. The idea was that I would need to put more effort into talking to her and connecting emotionally for her to feel comfortable enough to have sex again. It seemed hopeful, at least.
I did make an attempt to have another relationship early into the new polycule, but I went about it very incorrectly. I didn't trust that my wife would actually be okay with my relationship with the new girl progressing past friendship, so I panicked and lied about it. We didn't actually do anything other than hold hands. I would text her nice things, like compliments. It came crashing down when she sent a bra picture and my wife saw it immediately. So, I was told because I hid and lied about it, I was cheating and needed to end it and stop talking to her. Eventually she forgave me.
I went the next however many years just existing and working and giving hugs to my wife, while trying to navigate the poly thing. I have always had problems being aware of my feelings and standing up for them. I think their relationship continued, because I wasn't firm enough in saying that it wasn't working for me: scared she would choose him.
Now, their relationship was toxic, in my opinion. He would lie about porn, and she would get very hurt and angry about it. It would happen again and she always would find out through intuition and "detective work". She got progressively more angry and depressed. But the thing is, it was up and down. He gave her ALL the attention and physical touch she wanted, so she would be happy for a while. I allowed myself during this time to essentially be 2nd, without realizing.
The newest addition started last September-ish. When she started hanging out with the newest guy, I could just feel that she might want to add to the relationship. I told her that I didn't want to add another person. Well, they developed feelings for each other. It was brought to mine and 1st boyfriend's attention that they loved each other and it would make her happy. If they couldn't be together, she said they just couldn't see each other anymore, even as friends. It was supposed to not change anything really, other than there being a new person.
He's great. He and I have/had a kind of non-sexual, more like emotional, relationship, where we will talk about stuff. We love each other essentially like really close friends.
The situation did change, though. She, previously to 2nd bf, used to talk to me more, hug me, and kiss me. It's been very bad feeling for me since I've recently realized that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship the whole time the poly thing was happening. I started telling her that she wasn't giving enough attention to me and I felt unloved and replaced, especially with the new guy. She would state that she would try, but NRE or the cupcake phase has had her whole attention in him. I continued trying to communicate my feelings, and it upset her because she felt like wasn't good enough or was ever doing enough.
At some point, I came to the realization that they might have started having sex. It's been 5-6 years at least, I don't really even know, that I've been told to keep trying to connect and the physical stuff would follow. Well, she's pregnant and it's obviously not mine. I won't ever take out frustrations or negative feelings on an innocent child. I told her that I still love her and would be willing to help with a new baby. I didn't register the whole situation at first, as far as how it made me feel. I feel betrayed that she thought it was okay to have sex without protection, when we both didn't really want another child, and I told her earlier that I just wasn't going to be okay with a pregnancy from another person.
Multiple talks with her more recently have led her to finally state what she wants from me in our relationship. "I thought I knew more than I did. I know some stuff, but I'm not an expert. Now that I'm aware of that, I try to be more careful and articulate accurately."
Anyway, here is a description:
“Hey, I know my feelings might look different from what you're used to, and I never want you to feel unwanted or less important to me — because that’s not true at all.
The kind of love I feel for you is real, deep, and meaningful. I want you in my life long-term — to build a life together, to share joy, support each other, and be close. I love cuddling you, spending time with you, and being sweet with you. I just don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction toward everyone, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make our connection less valid — it just means it has its own unique shape.
You’re incredibly important to me, and I want us to grow something that feels good for both of us. I don't love you less — I just love you differently, and that difference doesn't mean I don’t want you. I do — deeply.
If he’s still struggling, you can invite him to ask questions or talk through his feelings. Reassure him that your desire for a relationship with him isn't conditional on it being romantic or sexual — it's based on who he is and how you two connect."
It was telling me how my feelings are on the asexual/queer spectrum.
Another message:
“I want to be honest with you because I care about you so much, and I want you to feel truly fulfilled in our relationship. I know the way I love and connect might not be what you’ve expected — and I understand that it might feel hard not to have the same kind of romantic or sexual dynamic that I have with someone else.
I need you to know this isn’t about you lacking anything — it’s just how my feelings work. That said, if this kind of relationship doesn’t meet all your needs, it’s okay to explore other connections that do. I support you in finding happiness, however that looks. I want you to feel loved, wanted, and whole — even if some of that comes from someone else.
Whatever you choose, I still care about you deeply and want you in my life in a way that feels good and authentic for both of us.”
So, there it is. I feel strung along with the hope that we would get back at least close to what we had before, including a sexual relationship, but it does not sound like that's what she wants. We have a couples counseling session next month that I had set up when it felt like it could help repair what we had. I didn't want another person, because I don't want her to feel how I've felt, replaced and forgotten. Also it's change that affects my stability that I've been trying to hold onto. I joined this site to get advice. I have been thinking about possibly looking into dating.
So sorry this is soooooooo long.
She brought up the idea of an open relationship, and I agreed solely because I wanted her to be happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. Eventually, after a while of her dating other people, I got used to it. Her ex-boyfriend came back from living in New York, so they started talking again. He became her serious boyfriend for these past 8 years.
At some point, she said she wanted to stop having sexual relations with me because I was not emotionally connected with her. The idea was that I would need to put more effort into talking to her and connecting emotionally for her to feel comfortable enough to have sex again. It seemed hopeful, at least.
I did make an attempt to have another relationship early into the new polycule, but I went about it very incorrectly. I didn't trust that my wife would actually be okay with my relationship with the new girl progressing past friendship, so I panicked and lied about it. We didn't actually do anything other than hold hands. I would text her nice things, like compliments. It came crashing down when she sent a bra picture and my wife saw it immediately. So, I was told because I hid and lied about it, I was cheating and needed to end it and stop talking to her. Eventually she forgave me.
I went the next however many years just existing and working and giving hugs to my wife, while trying to navigate the poly thing. I have always had problems being aware of my feelings and standing up for them. I think their relationship continued, because I wasn't firm enough in saying that it wasn't working for me: scared she would choose him.
Now, their relationship was toxic, in my opinion. He would lie about porn, and she would get very hurt and angry about it. It would happen again and she always would find out through intuition and "detective work". She got progressively more angry and depressed. But the thing is, it was up and down. He gave her ALL the attention and physical touch she wanted, so she would be happy for a while. I allowed myself during this time to essentially be 2nd, without realizing.
The newest addition started last September-ish. When she started hanging out with the newest guy, I could just feel that she might want to add to the relationship. I told her that I didn't want to add another person. Well, they developed feelings for each other. It was brought to mine and 1st boyfriend's attention that they loved each other and it would make her happy. If they couldn't be together, she said they just couldn't see each other anymore, even as friends. It was supposed to not change anything really, other than there being a new person.
He's great. He and I have/had a kind of non-sexual, more like emotional, relationship, where we will talk about stuff. We love each other essentially like really close friends.
The situation did change, though. She, previously to 2nd bf, used to talk to me more, hug me, and kiss me. It's been very bad feeling for me since I've recently realized that I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship the whole time the poly thing was happening. I started telling her that she wasn't giving enough attention to me and I felt unloved and replaced, especially with the new guy. She would state that she would try, but NRE or the cupcake phase has had her whole attention in him. I continued trying to communicate my feelings, and it upset her because she felt like wasn't good enough or was ever doing enough.
At some point, I came to the realization that they might have started having sex. It's been 5-6 years at least, I don't really even know, that I've been told to keep trying to connect and the physical stuff would follow. Well, she's pregnant and it's obviously not mine. I won't ever take out frustrations or negative feelings on an innocent child. I told her that I still love her and would be willing to help with a new baby. I didn't register the whole situation at first, as far as how it made me feel. I feel betrayed that she thought it was okay to have sex without protection, when we both didn't really want another child, and I told her earlier that I just wasn't going to be okay with a pregnancy from another person.
Multiple talks with her more recently have led her to finally state what she wants from me in our relationship. "I thought I knew more than I did. I know some stuff, but I'm not an expert. Now that I'm aware of that, I try to be more careful and articulate accurately."
Anyway, here is a description:
“Hey, I know my feelings might look different from what you're used to, and I never want you to feel unwanted or less important to me — because that’s not true at all.
The kind of love I feel for you is real, deep, and meaningful. I want you in my life long-term — to build a life together, to share joy, support each other, and be close. I love cuddling you, spending time with you, and being sweet with you. I just don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction toward everyone, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make our connection less valid — it just means it has its own unique shape.
You’re incredibly important to me, and I want us to grow something that feels good for both of us. I don't love you less — I just love you differently, and that difference doesn't mean I don’t want you. I do — deeply.
If he’s still struggling, you can invite him to ask questions or talk through his feelings. Reassure him that your desire for a relationship with him isn't conditional on it being romantic or sexual — it's based on who he is and how you two connect."
It was telling me how my feelings are on the asexual/queer spectrum.
Another message:
“I want to be honest with you because I care about you so much, and I want you to feel truly fulfilled in our relationship. I know the way I love and connect might not be what you’ve expected — and I understand that it might feel hard not to have the same kind of romantic or sexual dynamic that I have with someone else.
I need you to know this isn’t about you lacking anything — it’s just how my feelings work. That said, if this kind of relationship doesn’t meet all your needs, it’s okay to explore other connections that do. I support you in finding happiness, however that looks. I want you to feel loved, wanted, and whole — even if some of that comes from someone else.
Whatever you choose, I still care about you deeply and want you in my life in a way that feels good and authentic for both of us.”
So, there it is. I feel strung along with the hope that we would get back at least close to what we had before, including a sexual relationship, but it does not sound like that's what she wants. We have a couples counseling session next month that I had set up when it felt like it could help repair what we had. I didn't want another person, because I don't want her to feel how I've felt, replaced and forgotten. Also it's change that affects my stability that I've been trying to hold onto. I joined this site to get advice. I have been thinking about possibly looking into dating.
So sorry this is soooooooo long.
