I'm sorry you struggle.
I am also sorry to hear about your kid having problems.
I’m sorry i reached out to a poly group when my wife wants to be and I’m not.
Why? You want help.
I think you could stop shrinking yourself so much. It's ok for you to take up the space you do in the world.
It comes down to letting her have her friend that she’s emotionally involved with and risk me being hurt again or hurting her now and hopefully not having another slip up down the road.
How about being honest with Sassy this time? That you don't feel great about it. You prefer she NOT take up with Myth again right now, even as friends.
I’m figuring out that my attempt at being poly is not for me. The feeling of wanting to be done is real. If not for my love for her i wouldn’t have tried.
Then be resolute and be done.
How come you love her more than you love your own well being? Are you able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff or participate in stuff that hurts me" to Sassy?
Why you are talking to Myth if you feel like this...
As for him, he is a guy so there is never going to be trust.
Could not talk to him since you don't trust him. Because if you are (talking him to him trying to get him to be friends with Sassy) is that behavior that supports (I want to be done) or not?
Not. Align your behavior to your wants and reduce your stress load. Make life easier on you at this time.
It is not your job to "repair" anything there to "make nice" for Sassy.
I was introduced to poly badly. My wife and her guy friend kissed and then I was told about it the next day. The idea of poly was exciting and with me and her discussing it tried it.
That's not you being introduced to poly badly (to me.) You are responsible for your own well being. If you jump in blind or underprepared, or you are doing stuff just to make your spouse happy? That's you choosing to float along into it and choosing not to take very good care of you.
I see a lot of people not owning stuff. You made a choice to jump in under prepared.
Sassy made a choice to agree to and then execute a veto. I don't know if Myth was aware of that or not. That he was involved with someone who agreed to veto. He's blaming you, rather than Sassy. Cuz really? Sassy could have said "I have changed my mind, Legend. I will no longer be keeping this veto agreement."
I’ve delt with trust issues with them being friends and with her permission the friend was terminated.
My question is she wants to be platonic friends with him again. Is this a good idea?
Now with your kid's problems and all? Plus pandemic? And whatever other stress? NO. I do not think it's a good idea to be platonic friends with him at this time. What for? Where is the fire?
I think it might be better for YOU to start being more honest with yourself and with Sassy. Be more firm. STOP doing stuff just to "make Sassy happy." You guys jumped in too fast before. How about slowing it down this time? It has to be RIGHT NOW? Or maybe just plain not going there at all?
I also think Sassy could be more honest too. From the
other post from late last summer:
Legend apparently began attributing my withdrawal to Myth, kind of a misdirected point of blame. He asked me if I would cut it off entirely with Myth, that he just couldn’t handle it anymore. At the point I was at right then, just trying to breathe and pretend to the outside world that I was okay while feeling nothing but numb, I didn’t care. WHat was one more loss?
Why the lack of honesty about the depression/funk Sassy was in?
And Sassy, having made the choice to dump Myth? Not esp valuing him then? Now that time has passed, and you realize your mistake? That might be your price to pay -- exeperiencing feelings of remorse and regret now that you are coming back "alive" and healing from the funk you were in. It's ok to just experience them. You don't have to DO anything about them.
You also cannot treat people that way and expect them to be all "Yippee!" later when you want to engage with them again. Or expect them to help you arrive at closure or assuage your regrets. Myth may have moved on and may not want to be bothered.
I do miss Myth very much, but at this point I feel it’d be cruel of me to even suggest reconnecting even at just a platonic friend level. I just simply was not a friend like I should have been by dismissing the friendship so easily and going numb. I know that Legend has deserved more of me than he’s gotten in the last 6 months and I feel that I let my special friend down too.
Then leave the man alone and don't be more cruel. Myth has dealt with enough collateral damage. Let sleeping dogs lie.
The idea of Poly is still very hard for him... and I am very much willing to forgo that aspect of it entirely.
If willing to let the poly go? LET IT GO.
That's my opinion. Both of you could be kind. Be kind to Myth and don't stir things up again in his life. Leave him be.
Be kind to yourselves and resolve to be way more up front and honest with each other. If both are willing to stop poly, STOP.
This may be one of those cases where you were WILLING to try poly out, but learned that you are not ABLE to do poly well.
So having learned that... Why bang head on wall? During a pandemic time to boot?
If the desire to try to be friends with Myth again is still there later down? Could try later down IF he's open to that. And it would need to be SASSY engaging, not Legend on behalf of Sassy. Each person holding their own bag.
After a nice long while of Legend and Sassy both living live NOT stressed out. It doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW.
You just had a bunch of stress with the kid and are living through the pandemic stress we are all dealing in. Doom from sky stress on kid? Nobody could help. Doom from sky stress from pandemic? Nobody could help.
Stress from pursuing friendship again with an ex? That is a
chosen stress. That is not "doom from sky" stress.
When you choose to engage in that CAN be helped.
I think it'll keep.
Galagirl
