Advice

[Carolina27]

First and foremost, I'm new to this site. I am really hoping to find some advice or anything that would help with my situation. I'm not new to non-monogamy, as I was involved in the "lifestyle" in my younger days, but have been married to my wonderful wife for two years now.

The situation I'm in is this: she has a childhood friend who's become a great friend to me, as well. I usually don't care for her friends that much, but this one I do. Her friend has came and visited and stayed with us a few times, no big deal. But the last time, recently, actually things went differently than planned.

Her friend is bi and my wife isn't. But one thing led to another and we had a threesome one night while she was staying with us, which led to us all hooking up every night for the remainder of her stay with us. It was great until the wife started feeling some type of way about me cuddling her friend one night. But alcohol was involved, along with not having the right communication about things. This has led to where we are getting to, which is me really fucking up on the last morning her friend was there with us.

Her friend was in the bed that morning. We were messing around and my wife caught us. Since then we have all talked it out, and ruled it as a mistake that wouldn't happen again and that next time communication would be key.

That being said, the first part of it was, the following day, after the friend had left, I wanted to reach out to apologize to the friend and make sure she was alright. One thing led to another, and I found myself having feelings for the friend, not just even in a sexual way, and with her feeling the same, and talking about the possibility of her moving out here with us, which we've all talked about before.

But the biggest thing is approaching my wife about this situation. I know I'm probably going about things in the wrong way, and clearly fucked up pretty good. But hopefully someone here takes the time to read this and has some advice for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Carolina27,

You do need to communicate with your wife about your feelings for her friend, and about your desire to have her friend move out there with you. No need to make it complicated; just say, "Honey, I have strong feelings for your friend, not just physical feelings. I know we talked about the idea of her moving out her with us, and I just want to know if that's still something you would consider." There is no guarantee that your wife will react well to this, but I still think it's important to communicate and be honest with her. At least then you'll know you did the right thing. Hopefully more people will post here and give more advice, that way you don't have to rely on what I tell you. I hope you are able to work this situation out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

You said twice, "One thing led to another." You also said alcohol was involved in the hooking up.

It sounds like you're being impulsive. All three of you are being impulsive.

Can this marriage be saved?

Can this triad relationship become a healthy happy one?

As you said, communication IS KEY. I don't think you were drunk in the morning when you messed around one-on-one with Friend. Instead, you were already feeling affectionate. It's actually stupid to think that just because you and Wife shared Friend in a threesome, that you and Friend wouldn't also be drawn to having one-on-one sex. In a healthy triad, each dyad (twosome) will need to have space to grow.

This would involve one-on-one dates, as well as sex as twosomes. You say Friend is bi, but Wife isn't, so maybe sex between the two of them is not likely to happen. (You could look up the concept of late-blooming lesbians, however.) But you and Wife need one-on-one sex. You and Friend need one-on-one sex. PLUS y'all three can do it together when everyone is in the mood. You and Wife aren't going to stop having one-on-one sex just because YOU (singular) desire Friend. So it's fair for Friend for her to get to have sex just with you too.

Now, moving Friend into your marital home just because you've had enjoyable sex a handful of times is not necessarily a great idea. If Friend lives far away, and appreciates your growing friendship and sexual attraction, she is certainly free to move to live NEARER to you and Wife. Even move to you town, or down the street, or an apartment in the same building, but moving IN would be a big mistake, this early into the sexual relationship.

No one should be moving in with a new lover before at least a year of regular dating. People, of course, do do this, but often once the infatuation period has ended, they realize they aren't long-term compatible and break up. Then they have the mess of having to break up AND move out.

You can do a search here for "triad" to learn more about the pros and cons of them. Friend would have to make the most adjustments and be giving up the most, since you and Wife are legally married.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

That being said, the first part of it was, the following day, after the friend had left, I wanted to reach out to apologize to the friend and make sure she was alright. One thing led to another, and I found myself having feelings for the friend, not just even in a sexual way, and with her feeling the same, and talking about the possibility of her moving out here with us, which we've all talked about before.

But the biggest thing is approaching my wife about this situation. I know I'm probably going about things in the wrong way, and clearly fucked up pretty good. But hopefully someone here takes the time to read this and has some advice for me.

If I'm being honest, I'd say both you and Friend are probably still riding the high from several days of group sex. Still sex drunk. Don't make decisions while drunk. Before you start making all these daydream plans with the friend, do nothing. Sober up.

After some time has passed, if the feelings are still there, ask your wife what that all even was. A one time thing? What did she experience? You can tell Wife that you experienced a lot of things during that visit, including developing a crush on Friend. Have the talks you need to have with Wife first.

If Wife doesn't want you poly dating her friend, and wants to go back to being friends only, no more group sex, then you let it be and let go of your crush on this friend. And no more group sex.

Even if Wife is up for a continuing FWB thing, that doesn't mean she's up for polyamory.

So even if you all talked about Friend moving out here to live with you two in the past, nope. Friend would have to get her own place. Even if everyone was okay with poly dating, you don't just leap into cohabitation. Spend 1-2 years living in your own spaces first. Get past the NRE.

But don't get ahead of yourself. Sober up. You had an intense experience and are gonna have withdrawal. Do not mistake that for "falling in love" with the friend.

Talk to Wife. Then sort things out one thing at a time. Do not rush.

Galagirl