Advice

[Joyfuljourney517]

I’m in a poly V relationship with one partner. Our relationship is mostly kept on the low. A handful of people know about us. We’ve been together for about two years, but because we are in a close-knit community setting, he prefers not to share our relationship publicly due to fear of judgment. He was in a monogamous relationship before this, and his previous partner was extremely jealous, to the point where she’d get upset if he even talked to people of the opposite gender.

Now that he’s no longer with her, most people think he’s single. He makes comments in front of friends about being single and sometimes acts flirtatious. I wouldn’t call myself a jealous person, but it does hurt. It’s not just about the flirting. It’s that no one knows we’re in a relationship, and it feels like I’m being hidden. There are reasons behind why people can’t know fully about our relationship, but we still are extremely close and everyone knows this. My two partners are really great friends. We go away together with his kid and his ex-wife, who also doesn’t know the extent of the relationship.

Our communication was always pretty good, but I feel like lately it hasn’t been that great. But last week he made a comment to me about how not everything needs to be discussed. I admit I can harp on certain topics, not even just about our relationship just things in general.

We have a dinner event to go to. Both of my partners will be there. I will be with my other partner in a hotel room and he has a separate room. He keeps saying that he needs to bring a date. I have suggested bringing his ex-wife, or one of our friends. He’ll say things regarding not being able to “sleep with them.” He laughs it off, but it doesn’t feel like a joke to me. There’s a sting to it that’s hard to ignore. He says that it wouldn’t happen.

We had always agreed that if he wanted to bring a new partner into his life, it would be something we’d discuss seriously, and it would not be just a hookup.

Is it wrong for me to want to bring this up again or for me to feel this way? I just want to feel important and valued.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Joyfuljourney517,

It is hard to be in a relationship where you want to shout it from the rooftops, but you have to act as if it isn't there, nobody can know that you love and are loved by the other person. I know; I have been in that type of a situation since 2006. And while I've gotten used to it over the years, I still would prefer to let the world know about it.

It is not wrong for you to bring things up again, nor for you to feel this way. Tell him you need to take these conversations seriously. If he is going to bring a new partner into his life, he needs to discuss that with you, and not laugh it off like a joke, or do just a hookup. It sounds like he's not being very respectful toward you about this dinner event.

I hope you can work things out with him,
Kevin T.

 

[Joyfuljourney517]

Hello Joyfuljourney517,

It is hard to be in a relationship where you want to shout it from the rooftops, but you have to act as if it isn't there, nobody can know that you love and are loved by the other person. I know; I have been in that type of a situation since 2006. And while I've gotten used to it over the years, I still would prefer to let the world know about it.

It is not wrong for you to bring things up again, nor for you to feel this way. Tell him you need to take these conversations seriously. If he is going to bring a new partner into his life, he needs to discuss that with you, and not laugh it off like a joke, or do just a hookup. It sounds like he's not being very respectful toward you about this dinner event.

I hope you can work things out with him,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much for sharing that. It really means a lot to hear from someone who understands what it’s like to love someone quietly, while wanting to be open about that love. That really hit home for me.

I think part of what makes this hard for him is that his ex-girlfriend will be at this event, and I wonder if that’s playing into why he’s making some of these comments, or acting a certain way, partly to maybe make her feel jealous in a way, or prove to her that he moved on.

I want to be able to have these conversations seriously, and not feel like I’m being dismissed when something bothers me. So I really appreciate your message. It helped me feel heard.

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome.

Has he been making any effort on the dating others front? It sounds like he's ready to find a relationship escalator partner, one who he can be fully public with and who he will get to share a room with after one of these dinner events.

You feel like you're being hidden because you are being hidden. Are you questioning all this now because you're starting to find this uncomfortable and wondering if you should be considering ending things before there is actual conflict?

 

[Joyfuljourney517]

No, he hasn’t been dating. He also said that it’s something that he’s not really interested in now, but potentially in the future. He normally doesn’t make these comments unless it’s in the presence of other people.

 

[Joyfuljourney517]

Hi and welcome.

Has he been making any effort on the dating others front? It sounds like he's ready to find a relationship escalator partner, one who he can be fully public with and who he will get to share a room with after one of these dinner events.

You feel like you're being hidden because you are being hidden. Are you questioning all this now because you're starting to find this uncomfortable and wondering if you should be considering ending things before there is actual conflict?

I definitely don’t want to end things with him I love him. I just don’t want the conversation to be dismissed.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi JJ,

I am a bit confused. You seem to be saying you're the hinge in a V. On one end is a partner (bf?) that you are openly dating, everyone knows. The other guy isn't open about dating you, or open about dating a poly woman? (I think you're female.)

It would help if we had nicknames. I will choose some, but you can choose others.

You, I will call JJ.
Your bf#1, that you're openly dating, is Brian.
Your bf#2, that you're dating on the downlow, is Carl.
Carl was married to Dana, the "ex-wife" and they are friends. She doesn't know he's dating you.
Carl had another dating partner, who was jealous. We'll call her Erica.

So, Carl (if not all of you) lives in a "close-knit community" where polyamory would not be seen favorably. But he cares about you and doesn't want to break up, while at the same time, doesn't acknowledge you publicly. He flirts with others, but doesn't date? He likes to pretend he is single?

Why does he complain about his hidden poly status and not just break up and get another mono gf? Or does he want to find another gf and not tell her he is involved with you? Cheat, in other words?

Why is he trying to make his ex-gf jealous, or envious of how he's moved on? Isn't that kind of shallow/immature?

My final thought: being poly with Carl is going to continue to suck if he won't be self-insightful, and honest with everyone (you, potential dating partners), and won't communicate politely, clearly, respectfully and fully. It's possible to be poly and not "out" to everyone, but it's not fun. It's no fair to you, though, that he won't change things, but will bitch and moan to you behind your closed doors.