Advice?

P

polypie

New member
Im poly, and this is about my relationship with my mother. Not sure if it's in the right category.

My mother always loved me and always worked her fingers to the bone proving that to me. She's never quit and always put 100% of herself into raising her children the very best she knew how. That being said, my mother raised me an unquestioning Christian. I'm atheist now for maybe a year. The laws she raised me under compromised my ability to find myself and guided me into mistakes. Today, I cry over guilt and fear my mind knows aren't real. I hate her for it. I'm so angry and so heart broken by it. I don't want to hate her. She tried SO HARD and loves me so much. .but I can't stand the thought of her and blame her so much. How do I break free of my chains, how do I forgive a woman who never intended to hurt me, but sacrificed her own life to love and protect me always?
 
That's my mom. Only, not so secretly judgmental. She's Catholic, as in "cover yourself during service where the priests only speak Latin" Catholic. She says I am lucky she hasn't disowned me, like a good person should. But as my mother, she'll just pray for me. She's awfully sarcastic about my relationships, but then at the same time, she does ask about them from time to time.

I just discount the negative and accept the good I have received and continue to get from her. She won't change, so it is up to me to decide how deep of a relationship we can actually have. It's ok. But I refuse to pretend that my loves don't exist. I will talk about my life when we are together. There's a lot I could blame her for that has been difficult in my life, but I've been able to rise above it and be thankful for the things she did do. It wasn't easy. Therapy helped.
 
Thank you. I'm feeling much better after having talked through my feelings. I'm very new to being able to think without guidance and is so painful for me right now to realize how much of my life I've lived in ignorance. I can't believe how guilty I feel for having loved a person. In my mind I know I did nothing wrong. .but I find myself feeling ashamed and horrible and I hate that I know better but still,residual harm lingers.

My mom won't ask. Everyone at my mother's day event knew of my husband's new girlfriend. I wanted to tell them of our recent exciting group day we did together. ..but chose not to. I wouldn't be poly if I couldn't love openly and free of shame, but I felt like I didn't want to deal with everyone's opinions.

Right now my mom is unhealthy for me. So I see very little of her. I do miss her, but can only handle her in small amounts.
 
It's OK to be poly and not be completely "out" (open) to everyone about it. Many people choose not to tell coworkers, family, and/or friends. That is your choice. There's nothing wrong about having some idea how that news would be received and not wanting to deal with it. There will always be people in the world who are judgmental and we can't always change their minds.

It sucks, but it's true.

Also, sometimes the key to keeping a harmonious and good relationship with a family member is maintaining your own boundaries. Over the years I've definitely had to find and keep some healthy and careful boundaries with some of my family. I have family members that I love very, very much...but I cannot really expect them to understand or support me in my life choices. I have others that I love very much but cannot live close to them, it is best if we have a long distance relationship.

Your Mom did the best she could with what she brought to the table, it sounds like, which is what most parents are trying to do. You know that she meant you no harm. But you needed to grow free from the restraints of her beliefs and in a different direction. It is a shame that her eyes don't know how to see your beautiful colors, but it is not exactly her fault. So...you forgive her. You find your safe boundaries. And you love her, even if you don't agree with her.

And remember...loving someone does NOT ever mean allowing them to cause you harm.
 
Hi polypie,

Sorry you've been having problems with your mother. I can sort of relate. My mother worked extremely hard for her kids, so she must have cared right? but she was also bossy and mean. She did not give us a choice of whether to be loyal to the church, we absolutely had to. It took me a long time to get some healing from that. I think it still haunts me.

I believe you made the right choice, to not tell your mom about your husband's new girlfriend. Your mom doesn't need to know, she probably wouldn't understand and would even be hurt by it. Sometimes we need healthy boundaries in our relationships. Right now you need to limit how much and how often you see your mom.

I hope you, too, find some healing in the months and years ahead.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

My mother always loved me and always worked her fingers to the bone proving that to me. She's never quit and always put 100% of herself into raising her children the very best she knew how.
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That was a poor decision on her part.

One certainly could raise their children as best as they can. But 100% effort into the kids? That's nothing left for the parent. So the parent is self-neglecting. Not healthy. And not a healthy model for the kids to copy when they become adults -- Thinking that it is correct and right and normal to practice self-neglect.

That being said, my mother raised me an unquestioning Christian. I'm atheist now for maybe a year. The laws she raised me under compromised my ability to find myself and guided me into mistakes.
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You are now an adult. No longer a dependent child. Could stop blaming mom. You make your decisions for yourself.

  • You can choose to retain some or all of the things she shared with you.
  • You can choose to discard some or all of the things she shared with you.
  • You curate your current set of beliefs.

If you are keeping them, it is YOU keeping them. Take the time and effort to update your internal files and toss out whatever does not work for you in your adult life. Keep what does serve you well.

I'm very new to being able to think without guidance and is so painful for me right now to realize how much of my life I've lived in ignorance.
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And thinking for yourself will come with some growing pains. And that's ok.

I wouldn't be poly if I couldn't love openly and free of shame, but I felt like I didn't want to deal with everyone's opinions.
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And that's ok. You are allowed to pick that option. You can choose not to deal with other people's opinions. It doesn't mean you are ashamed. It means you value peace and calm right now in this situation.

Does my mom know I'm bi/poly? Yup. What was the first thing she said? "Oh, god. Don't tell your Dad!"

Because with his mental illnesses he would simply have a cow and nobody wants to deal with dad having a pointless cow. We deal enough with the other ones. Can he stop me? Nope. Does that mean I'm ashamed? Nope. It means I wrangle with eldercare plenty enough and I don't want to deal with extra bonus cows. Who does?

Right now my mom is unhealthy for me. So I see very little of her. I do miss her, but can only handle her in small amounts.
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And that is fair. You have to do your OWN SELF CARE FIRST. Not neglect your own self care.

I try to see my parents enough but not so much they make me crazy. I think all people have to figure those things out. Where the balance lies with (family of origin) and (immediate family.) One day I will become (family of origin) to my children because they will grow up and form a different (immediate family).

Today, I cry over guilt and fear my mind knows aren't real. I hate her for it. I'm so angry and so heart broken by it. I don't want to hate her. She tried SO HARD and loves me so much. .but I can't stand the thought of her and blame her so much. How do I break free of my chains, how do I forgive a woman who never intended to hurt me, but sacrificed her own life to love and protect me always?
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This is you hurting yourself with the stuff you are thinking. Not your mom. Why are you running yourself ragged?

If you thinking this stuff leaves you feeling unhappy? Stop ruminating. Change the thinking channel. Or start doing something instead -- fold laundry. It's hard to wig when doing mundane things like that.

You don't have to hate your mom. She did her best with what she had to hand. It's ok for you to move on past that. If you want to forgive her if she fell short of what you wanted from a mother? Then forgive her. Let it go. So you can move on.

My dad has a lot of metal illnesses. He's a crap dad in the sense that he just doesn't have a lot of skills in some areas and I wish I didn't have to grow up in a house with an unmanaged mental health patient. Lots of shouting and yelling and ugh. I don't have great memories of my dad from my childhood. Some moments, but largely absent. I also wish I didn't have to be doing eldercare now. He's still got ugh. Will probably die with some of this ugh. Bringing his conditions under management is a right pain in the rear. For all of us.

You know what he DID manage to do? He managed not to be an alcoholic and beat the crap out of his kids. His own father was a drunk, and his mother would hide him and his siblings under the bed when his father was on a rampage. He managed to improve it for his kids as best he could. Even with his unmanaged mental illnesses. That he could not be all the dad I wished for? So be it. He did the best he could and got the baton to the place he DID get it to.

And you know what I manage to do? I'm not an alcoholic. And I do not shout and yell and ugh in front of my kids. I manage to improve it for my kids as best I can. I have panic attacks and wig sometimes because I have my own PTSD crap from living in the house I did live in. I get the baton to where I get it to. I hope they carry the baton further still and they don't suffer these kinds of mental health things.

So be ok with your mom doing her best at that point in time. Mistakes and all. But also be OK with you growing beyond that too. Then instead of looking too much at the past? Look ahead and get on with the growing.

Your mom's grandma didn't have a cel phone. It's ok for you to use one. It's ok for you to use those sorts of tools.

Your mom didn't know about ____. You do. It ok for you to use that knowledge. Move things forward. Think for yourself, be your own person. Keep what is useful from your past, and let go of what is not.

All healthy parents want for their kids is for them to be reasonably happy, healthy adults.

So... why are you sitting around making yourself unhappy? :confused:

Your mom is human, fallible, and can only go as far as she can go. If she cannot cope with you being poly? Well... that's her issue. Her coping-ness. She likes it better not asking? Let it lie.

Not your failing or your doing. Love what you can of her, but let the rest of her issues be her issues. Don't take them on board for yourself.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl, thank you for sharing. That is possibly the most helpful post on difficult parent/child relationships I've ever read.

Polypie, I don't really have any advice to share, but I am sorry you're having rough time.
 
polypie said:
. . . how do I forgive a woman who never intended to hurt me, but sacrificed her own life to love and protect me always?
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You remind yourself that she only taught you what she was taught, and what she knew. She had no knowledge of any other options and had your best interest at heart. She was as deluded as you were.

You can be angry, and still know she did her best. See if you can let go of resenting her for how she raised you, or for not being the mother you wish she was, because resentment and bitterness will only hold you back from enjoying your life. You may only be able to do it in tiny amounts, but eventually forgiveness will come. Try not to live your life focused on the past. Eventually the anger will dissipate as you find your way and you will see that she was a victim, too. You have an exciting new journey ahead of you, so try to just appreciate each day.

There is a quote on my wall calendar about forgiveness:
Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

Forgiveness, by the way, does not mean overlooking and/or tolerating shitty behavior towards you. It simply means leaving the past behind and wiping the slate clean without needing to throw past transgressions in anyone's face. It means seeing things for what they are, and moving on. But you may need to strengthen your own personal boundaries around what you will allow from people in your life.
 
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