I’ve been in my Poly relationship for about 9 month now. The man is a good friend of my husband’s, one i’ve known for a while. Feelings have grown and we care/love each other. We’ve all been spending time together he’s also been spending time with my husband. My husband wants me to stop my sexual relations with him. He says he doesn’t mind me doing fun stuff with him just not sexual anymore. He said he thought it would be a one time thing for me to experience and here we are going on nearly a year. He has mentioned his feelings before but then he says he’s fine. I’ve nearly ended it several times but my husband keeps being hot and cold about this whole thing. Part of it is jealously and part of it is that he thinks it’s just wrong. He doesn’t understand why I want to break our vows. For one I didn’t, we both agreed to open our marriage we talked at great lengths about it. I just don’t know what to do he says he doesn’t want me unhappy so that’s why he’s ok with it. So it’s ok for me to be making him unhappy if he doesn’t want me to continue. I love my husband and my boyfriend very much I just don’t know what to do.
Advice
- Thread starter Gemma
- Start date
I think you need a marriage counselor. There are a lot of moving parts here.
If your husband has a philosophical objection to poly, there isn't a lot you personally can do. He will have to decide which is more important to him, either his moral framework or your happiness.
You can decide how much time to give him and how you will react to each outcome.
You say he runs hot and cold. Do you know what causes him to vary?
Good luck.
If your husband has a philosophical objection to poly, there isn't a lot you personally can do. He will have to decide which is more important to him, either his moral framework or your happiness.
You can decide how much time to give him and how you will react to each outcome.
You say he runs hot and cold. Do you know what causes him to vary?
Good luck.
Thanks! Yes, I have suggested a marriage counselor. I will look more into that.
He runs more hot when it becomes more sexual for us. I’ll come home from my bfs and he knows i’ve Had sex with him. He finds that hot then we have some great sex. But then the more time I spend time with my boyfriend he gets hesitant. My sex life with my husband is good i’m not neglecting that aspect of our relationship. However, my husband has a disability which has proven to be difficult for us when having sex. He understood my desire to be with another man sexually. I just don’t think he expected it to become long term. For me I’m Pretty content I love being with my husband and my bf. It’s become more than just sex.
I feel like i’m In a rock and a hard place. I want to carry on my relationship with my boyfriend, for me I feel quite content. However, I also don’t want to mess up 13 years of marriage. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I’m so conflicted.
He runs more hot when it becomes more sexual for us. I’ll come home from my bfs and he knows i’ve Had sex with him. He finds that hot then we have some great sex. But then the more time I spend time with my boyfriend he gets hesitant. My sex life with my husband is good i’m not neglecting that aspect of our relationship. However, my husband has a disability which has proven to be difficult for us when having sex. He understood my desire to be with another man sexually. I just don’t think he expected it to become long term. For me I’m Pretty content I love being with my husband and my bf. It’s become more than just sex.
I feel like i’m In a rock and a hard place. I want to carry on my relationship with my boyfriend, for me I feel quite content. However, I also don’t want to mess up 13 years of marriage. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I’m so conflicted.
Hello Gemma,
Sorry to hear that your husband wants you to stop your sexual relations with your boyfriend. He is in effect making you choose. You mentioned that it's worse when you spend more time with your boyfriend; could things be made better if you spend more time with your husband? Also, how much research has he done on poly? Maybe that would also make a difference.
I hope the two of you are able to work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Sorry to hear that your husband wants you to stop your sexual relations with your boyfriend. He is in effect making you choose. You mentioned that it's worse when you spend more time with your boyfriend; could things be made better if you spend more time with your husband? Also, how much research has he done on poly? Maybe that would also make a difference.
I hope the two of you are able to work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks Kevin! I’m trying to work through it with him. I feel very torn and of course I don’t want to choose. He asked me “why I have to have sex with him” clearly he’s having issues with the sexual side of things. Mainly it’s a moral issue for him. He said he believes that should be for the couple who is married. I’m not sure why this wasn’t a big enough issue at the beginning when we agreed to open the marriage.
He has said he wants to spend more time as a couple. We rarely have time as we have a 6yr old and a 2yr old. It’s hard to find sitters. It’s not like I go out with my boyfriend all the time ether. I meet him once or twice a week in the evenings. Maybe once a month I go out with my boyfriend in the day.
He has said he wants to spend more time as a couple. We rarely have time as we have a 6yr old and a 2yr old. It’s hard to find sitters. It’s not like I go out with my boyfriend all the time ether. I meet him once or twice a week in the evenings. Maybe once a month I go out with my boyfriend in the day.
I wonder that too. Did husband want "Open" like you could have occasional one night stands with assorted people, but not develop anything long term with 1 person?
Sounds like you are not the one experiencing conflict. You are ok with how things are.
This sounds like your husband is going around in circles with some internal conflict. Did it occur to you that YOU are not the person to solve that with because your are too close to the situation? You could believe his final thought:
And if he's overall ok and happy? Could ask him to "process" with someone else and give you the Cliff Notes when he's done. If you are too close to it to ALSO be his sounding board person and don't have the energy for that emotional labor? He has to talk with someone outside the system.
I don't mind talking to people about their stuff but I'm not going to pull it out of them like pulling teeth. That's a drag. And more emotional labor than I care to do at this time. Sitting around for hours talking to someone who is all "I don't know, I don't know" is an exercise in frustration. They have to at least able to put me in the ball park like "I don't know what it might be, but I know it's in the ballpark of work problems when I have to work long shifts. It doesn't happen when it's normal work days." That helps narrow it down.
Like if I was bringing them drink.
Do you want milk? I dunno.
Do you want tea? I dunno.
Do you want OJ? I dunno.
That's annoying/frustrating. If they can at least say "I want cold drink. Something fizzy. But I don't know what." At least narrows it down and I can go
Do you want Coca Cola?
Do you want sparkling juice?
Do you want seltzer?
and hopefully I can be of help and it gets solved with less frustration on both sides.
He could seek individual counseling to help him sort out stuff. Help from outside the system. Perhaps they could help him sort out...
1) If you really don't want to be doing this... why did you agree at the beginning to do it?
2) If you used to be ok with it, and have since changed your mind? Why are you not ok just stating that plain rather than giving yes/no mixed messages?
3) What blocks you from communicating clearly with spouse? Are you having difficulty articulating the bottom line? Is what you say what you mean? Do you want out of this polyship? Or do you want help with this like "I ultimately want to be ok with this and happy here. I need help arriving there -- in solving my jealousy, and time management and other stuff" so I can feel good participating here. "
4) Are you able to make your own self happy first? And then contribute to wife's happiness second? Not like in a selfish memememe way. But in a self care way. Like "In doing X behavior, I am taking good care of myself and my well-being so I can have a full tank of gas. After than I can gift my help to others to help them in their reasonable/rational requests." Do you put others before you? Are you too selfless?
So you are spending something like 5-9 dates with BF each month. What time do you spend dating husband? Not as parents dealing with kids, not as roomies cleaning the house, not as business partners paying the bills, but time together as a couple?
If husband largely gets time with you for the "work stuff" of life, and BF largely gets time with you for the "fun stuff" of life.... is that why husband is trying to "reclaim sex" just for him? So he gets dibs on the sex fun stuff?
Is it that husband is used to the hegemony of marriage? Always getting first dibs all the time on anything with you? And he's having a hard time with actually having to ask you out on dates again? Not having it be like "automatic?" So he wants to reclaim sex back so that's on automatic again?
I guess you could ask him a few questions like that. But if you are ok, and he says he is ok? I would leave the ball in his court. Believe him that he is ok. Don't go "fishing."
If he is not actually ok, encourage him to talk to a counselor to organize his thoughts and then come talk to you to work something out. Just because you are the hinge in this situation in this V and have two sweeties doesn't mean that you have to carry everyone else's sticks for them.
Sometimes I see hinges burning out because they think that that is part of the hinge job -- carrying everyone else because they "get" two sweeties in recompense. I think when 3 people enter a V thing? Everyone is an adult, they consent to be there, and they consent to carry their own fair share of the load of being and participating there.
It's not pile all the baggage on the hinge. Everyone could carry their own emotional baggage. And if they carry too much around? Do the work to unpack it and travel lighter.
Galagirl
Last edited:
WhatHappened
Active member
It sounds to me as if her husband is pretty clear that he's not happy with her having a boyfriend. What is the point of marriage counseling or researching poly? To convince him he really loves this situation when he's being pretty clear that he doesn't?
Would it be equally reasonable to suggest that OP go to a marriage counselor to find a way to be happy without a boyfriend, or to research monogamy or fidelity or being happy in a marriage without outside sex?
Exactly why marriage counseling isn't really the answer here.
Marriage is a two way street. Doesn't OP also need to decide which is more important to her--a boyfriend, multiple sex partners or his happiness?
And why are we taken as given fact that OP can be happy only with multiple sex partners?
Would it also be appropriate advice for her husband to decide how much time he'll give OP to decide if she's going to return to sexual monogamy and how he'll react to either of her choices?
It was said that he's forcing her to choose. No, he's stating his feelings about the situation. He's entirely within his rights to state his feelings. He's also entirely within his rights to choose, himself, not to live with non-monogamy.
There are two people in this marriage and there's a problem when we as a group give answers that seem to suggest the happiness of one spouse outweighs the happiness of the other, and is the hinge point for decisions.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I'm really glad to see you back and posting, WhatHappened.
breathemusic
Active member
I agree with WhatHappened in that it's not right to make this all about the husband needing to decide if OPs happiness is worth him possibly unhappily accepting being part of an open relationship.
OP definitely needs to decide what she's willing to live with and where her own boundaries and limits are. BUUUUUTTT, the husband does need to figure his shit out and not be so wishy-washy. It's going to be difficult for either party to make a decision if 1 of them is saying it's fine half the time and not fine the other half of the time. He needs to sit with his feelings for a while, go to therapist, whatever, and figure out what he wants, and what he doesn't want and needs to make a boundary around. Then he can actually communicate that and STICK TO IT.
OP needs to do the same.
THEN they can figure out of their wants and needs are sustainable within their marriage.
OP definitely needs to decide what she's willing to live with and where her own boundaries and limits are. BUUUUUTTT, the husband does need to figure his shit out and not be so wishy-washy. It's going to be difficult for either party to make a decision if 1 of them is saying it's fine half the time and not fine the other half of the time. He needs to sit with his feelings for a while, go to therapist, whatever, and figure out what he wants, and what he doesn't want and needs to make a boundary around. Then he can actually communicate that and STICK TO IT.
OP needs to do the same.
THEN they can figure out of their wants and needs are sustainable within their marriage.
I agree with Breathemusic. I don't think the husband should subsume himself to the relationship. I think he needs counseling if that is his habit. Why does he do that to himself?
It's fine to state how he feels. When he does it with mixed messages? It's hard for others to tell where he actually is at. That way of communicating isn't going to help him in this relationship or any other. He could firm it up.
On Gemma's side if this has been going on a long time? It's clearly not a "joyous yes" if he's waffling up and and down. It's not automatically her job to help him "un-waffle" just because she's the spouse/hinge. That is work only he can do for himself. So if Gemma is trying to be a mind reader and guess what the waffle really means?
Stop guessing. Just believe him at his Word. If things don't turn out how he wanted, he could learn to speak a clearer Word. Let that part be his job only.
Instead, Gemma could decide what do for herself if she's tired of this. Either break up with the BF and do Closed with the husband. Or end it with the husband and do poly with the BF.
Right now if it continues like this its like waiting to see who gets tired of the situation first. Tired enough to make a change.
Gemma, you do have my sympathy here. It's hard to see a loved one suffering. It's hard to make hard decisions. But sometimes you just have to pick your hard.
Galagirl
It's fine to state how he feels. When he does it with mixed messages? It's hard for others to tell where he actually is at. That way of communicating isn't going to help him in this relationship or any other. He could firm it up.
On Gemma's side if this has been going on a long time? It's clearly not a "joyous yes" if he's waffling up and and down. It's not automatically her job to help him "un-waffle" just because she's the spouse/hinge. That is work only he can do for himself. So if Gemma is trying to be a mind reader and guess what the waffle really means?
Stop guessing. Just believe him at his Word. If things don't turn out how he wanted, he could learn to speak a clearer Word. Let that part be his job only.
Instead, Gemma could decide what do for herself if she's tired of this. Either break up with the BF and do Closed with the husband. Or end it with the husband and do poly with the BF.
Right now if it continues like this its like waiting to see who gets tired of the situation first. Tired enough to make a change.
Gemma, you do have my sympathy here. It's hard to see a loved one suffering. It's hard to make hard decisions. But sometimes you just have to pick your hard.
Galagirl
Last edited:
Hi Gemma.
Okay, I'm going to guess what MAY be going on here, using my own experience and a little intuition. You can take my observations for what they're worth or leave them - they're intended as food for thought only.
I am not claiming to be right about any of this, mind you, and frankly, it sounds like you AND your husband are equally lost about WHY he's acting so inconsistent and giving you mixed messages regarding this situation.
The first and most obvious thing that struck me is WHO the other man is: a "good friend" of your husband's. Even if your husband was truly poly at heart, a close friend would often make the "messy person list" - i.e. somebody to avoid becoming sexually and/or romantically involved with at all cost, because the risk of complicating matters and ruining a long-standing friendship or losing their supportive presence (should one of the men become jealous, or in the event of a break-up) are deemed too high.
You say your husband thought this was just going to be a "one time thing". Did he assume that, or was a one-night stand or short-lived fling what you initially agreed to, Gemma? Because if you did, he may be within his "rights" to claim you broke the terms of your agreement.
Either the fact that this is your husband's close friend you're sharing sex with -AND/OR- the fact that he believes you somehow reneged on your agreement to only "experiment" sexually with another man COULD be the source of your husband's jealousy and insecurity. I say insecurity, because it seems clear that your growing feelings for the friend have taken your husband by surprise, and not in a pleasant way.
He didn't bank on you and the friend entering into a full-blown relationship and the fact that you seem happy and don't want to end things makes him feel uncomfortable/insecure (most likely because he feels threatened by the possibility that you might end up loving the friend "more", or even leaving him for this other man one day.) You don't go into the nature of your husband's disability, but if it impacts his ability to have successful sex with you in ANY way, this may be another source of jealousy, as your obvious enjoyment of this aspect with the other man MAY increase his feelings inadequacy in this department.
Clearly, sexual non monogamy in and of itself is a "breach" of traditional marriage vows, but this probably matters less than the emotional "cheating" your husband may feel you're indulging in. If your agreement was for you to have a bit of "fun" on the side, he probably didn't count on you falling in love with his friend, and is trying to rein in those feelings by curtailing the sexual aspect of your connection.
He runs more hot when it becomes more sexual for us. I’ll come home from my bfs and he knows i’ve Had sex with him. He finds that hot then we have some great sex.
But then the more time I spend time with my boyfriend he gets hesitant. ... I just don’t think he expected it to become long term. For me I’m Pretty content I love being with my husband and my bf. It’s become more than just sex. [/QUOTE]
There is definitely internal conflict in your husband's mind and heart. As I see it, there could be a few vastly different reasons for this:
On a moral level, IF your husband is monogamous at heart, old-school conservative, or pretty religious, he MAY feel as if it's just plain WRONG for a wife to want to sleep with someone besides her spouse, let alone to love them in a romantic sense.
Moreover, his morality surrounding the belief that a wife "should" remain faithful may conflict with his own sexual fantasies and desires. For example, he may harbour voyeuristic or cuckold tendencies and enjoy knowing you've recently slept with another man, and in turn get off on hearing about the details or even witnessing/feeling/smelling the evidence - yet this might cause some cognitive dissonance if, afterwards, he experiences guilt and regret that he enjoyed the "kinky" aspect of sharing you.
Hence the hot/cold, push/pull he feels about this poly V situation. When he's horny, for example, he may agree or even push you to do things with his friend, or ask to hear about them, then later regret it and ask you to dial it down until his fantasies get the better of him again. Do you think this might be part of it?
I know it is, and has been, for me. I am the "hinge" in my relationship (V-triad). My partners are both monogamish with me, but very occasionally we've played as a group, mostly in an online format, and this is slowly becoming more frequent.
Moreover, my two partners used to be sexually involved with each other before either of them were with me, so there's always a slight fear they'll one day decide they prefer each other to me. On the one hand, it turns me on to fantasise about the three of us together sexually (we have been, once, in person) or even imagine just those two together. But if ever my partners' convo approaches anything too flirtatious in a way that excludes me, or they behave like they're "too close" in a romantic sense, I start to feel the green eyed monster gnawing at the pit of my stomach. Certain thoughts and fears can reduce me to tears or nausea pretty quickly, and specific acts and words between them have caused me to meltdown before, so I can relate to your husband's experience, as well as yours, as the hinge.
Yes, it is. But occasionally the person really does NOT know what the exact problem IS or how to articulate it. They just know they don't feel comfortable.
And yes, if they've willingly agreed to be involved in a polyamorous union, it IS their job to analyse their own feelings and responses, do some research, and if they still can't deal with their feelings, get some professional help - OR ELSE STOP doing, or agreeing to someone else doing the behaviour that causes them stress.
If I've learned anything throughout my (accidental) poly "journey", it's that there is a vast difference between FANTASISING about non-monogamous or group sex scenarios, and actually being okay with participating in them.
It seems clear to me that your husband hasn't quite got there (yet?), Gemma. This is why he waffles and runs hot and cold; agreeing to something one minute and trying to "ban" the same behaviour when it all gets too much.
He needs to decide. It IS his decision whether or not he wishes to remain in this relationship IF you decide not to accede to his request to stop sharing sex with your boyfriend/his friend. And of course, it's YOUR decision who you wish to share sex with. But know that if you choose NOT to end your sexual relationship with the other man, it MAY spell the end of your marriage sooner or later, if your husband cannot make peace with it.
Unfortunately, it's often the way it goes for hinges; especially those whose partners are - like mine - essentially monogamous. The hinge may feel greedy, selfish and/or guilty that they're in a "privileged" position, and try to make up for that by doing everybody else's job for them.
Guilt shouldn't be part of the poly landscape, or part of any relationship for that matter, but realistically speaking it's difficult to avoid completely when things appear to be "unbalanced" in one partner's favour.
As is often said, communication is the key to successful polyamory, but many people are not naturally skilled communicators, and "reluctantly poly" men may well have a have great difficulty isolating and communicating their own feelings and needs without overt displays of anger, blame, resentment - or conversely, shutting down emotionally.
Okay, I'm going to guess what MAY be going on here, using my own experience and a little intuition. You can take my observations for what they're worth or leave them - they're intended as food for thought only.
I am not claiming to be right about any of this, mind you, and frankly, it sounds like you AND your husband are equally lost about WHY he's acting so inconsistent and giving you mixed messages regarding this situation.
The first and most obvious thing that struck me is WHO the other man is: a "good friend" of your husband's. Even if your husband was truly poly at heart, a close friend would often make the "messy person list" - i.e. somebody to avoid becoming sexually and/or romantically involved with at all cost, because the risk of complicating matters and ruining a long-standing friendship or losing their supportive presence (should one of the men become jealous, or in the event of a break-up) are deemed too high.
You say your husband thought this was just going to be a "one time thing". Did he assume that, or was a one-night stand or short-lived fling what you initially agreed to, Gemma? Because if you did, he may be within his "rights" to claim you broke the terms of your agreement.
Either the fact that this is your husband's close friend you're sharing sex with -AND/OR- the fact that he believes you somehow reneged on your agreement to only "experiment" sexually with another man COULD be the source of your husband's jealousy and insecurity. I say insecurity, because it seems clear that your growing feelings for the friend have taken your husband by surprise, and not in a pleasant way.
He didn't bank on you and the friend entering into a full-blown relationship and the fact that you seem happy and don't want to end things makes him feel uncomfortable/insecure (most likely because he feels threatened by the possibility that you might end up loving the friend "more", or even leaving him for this other man one day.) You don't go into the nature of your husband's disability, but if it impacts his ability to have successful sex with you in ANY way, this may be another source of jealousy, as your obvious enjoyment of this aspect with the other man MAY increase his feelings inadequacy in this department.
Clearly, sexual non monogamy in and of itself is a "breach" of traditional marriage vows, but this probably matters less than the emotional "cheating" your husband may feel you're indulging in. If your agreement was for you to have a bit of "fun" on the side, he probably didn't count on you falling in love with his friend, and is trying to rein in those feelings by curtailing the sexual aspect of your connection.
He runs more hot when it becomes more sexual for us. I’ll come home from my bfs and he knows i’ve Had sex with him. He finds that hot then we have some great sex.
But then the more time I spend time with my boyfriend he gets hesitant. ... I just don’t think he expected it to become long term. For me I’m Pretty content I love being with my husband and my bf. It’s become more than just sex. [/QUOTE]
There is definitely internal conflict in your husband's mind and heart. As I see it, there could be a few vastly different reasons for this:
On a moral level, IF your husband is monogamous at heart, old-school conservative, or pretty religious, he MAY feel as if it's just plain WRONG for a wife to want to sleep with someone besides her spouse, let alone to love them in a romantic sense.
Moreover, his morality surrounding the belief that a wife "should" remain faithful may conflict with his own sexual fantasies and desires. For example, he may harbour voyeuristic or cuckold tendencies and enjoy knowing you've recently slept with another man, and in turn get off on hearing about the details or even witnessing/feeling/smelling the evidence - yet this might cause some cognitive dissonance if, afterwards, he experiences guilt and regret that he enjoyed the "kinky" aspect of sharing you.
Hence the hot/cold, push/pull he feels about this poly V situation. When he's horny, for example, he may agree or even push you to do things with his friend, or ask to hear about them, then later regret it and ask you to dial it down until his fantasies get the better of him again. Do you think this might be part of it?
I know it is, and has been, for me. I am the "hinge" in my relationship (V-triad). My partners are both monogamish with me, but very occasionally we've played as a group, mostly in an online format, and this is slowly becoming more frequent.
Moreover, my two partners used to be sexually involved with each other before either of them were with me, so there's always a slight fear they'll one day decide they prefer each other to me. On the one hand, it turns me on to fantasise about the three of us together sexually (we have been, once, in person) or even imagine just those two together. But if ever my partners' convo approaches anything too flirtatious in a way that excludes me, or they behave like they're "too close" in a romantic sense, I start to feel the green eyed monster gnawing at the pit of my stomach. Certain thoughts and fears can reduce me to tears or nausea pretty quickly, and specific acts and words between them have caused me to meltdown before, so I can relate to your husband's experience, as well as yours, as the hinge.
Yes, it is. But occasionally the person really does NOT know what the exact problem IS or how to articulate it. They just know they don't feel comfortable.
And yes, if they've willingly agreed to be involved in a polyamorous union, it IS their job to analyse their own feelings and responses, do some research, and if they still can't deal with their feelings, get some professional help - OR ELSE STOP doing, or agreeing to someone else doing the behaviour that causes them stress.
If I've learned anything throughout my (accidental) poly "journey", it's that there is a vast difference between FANTASISING about non-monogamous or group sex scenarios, and actually being okay with participating in them.
It seems clear to me that your husband hasn't quite got there (yet?), Gemma. This is why he waffles and runs hot and cold; agreeing to something one minute and trying to "ban" the same behaviour when it all gets too much.
He needs to decide. It IS his decision whether or not he wishes to remain in this relationship IF you decide not to accede to his request to stop sharing sex with your boyfriend/his friend. And of course, it's YOUR decision who you wish to share sex with. But know that if you choose NOT to end your sexual relationship with the other man, it MAY spell the end of your marriage sooner or later, if your husband cannot make peace with it.
Just because you are the hinge in this situation in this V and have two sweeties doesn't mean that you have to carry everyone else's sticks for them. Sometimes [B said:
Unfortunately, it's often the way it goes for hinges; especially those whose partners are - like mine - essentially monogamous. The hinge may feel greedy, selfish and/or guilty that they're in a "privileged" position, and try to make up for that by doing everybody else's job for them.
Guilt shouldn't be part of the poly landscape, or part of any relationship for that matter, but realistically speaking it's difficult to avoid completely when things appear to be "unbalanced" in one partner's favour.
As is often said, communication is the key to successful polyamory, but many people are not naturally skilled communicators, and "reluctantly poly" men may well have a have great difficulty isolating and communicating their own feelings and needs without overt displays of anger, blame, resentment - or conversely, shutting down emotionally.
Good advice here. I just want to expand on one aspect.
You have 2 very young kids. You go out to bf's at least twice a week, either after the kids are in bed, or before they go to bed.
You haven't found good babysitters. So, twice a week, your husband is home with the kids while you're off having sexy romantic fun with bf! That would suck for him. He's home alone, perhaps bored and lonely, perhaps tired from doing bedtime alone, and dealing with later wakeups kids are often prone to.
I recommend 2 things. Work harder to find (and afford) babysitters. So if you're off with bf, husband could go out and do something fun for himself. On nights you're home, encourage hubby to go out and pursue a hobby, or visit a friend (even your lover), or find another lover of his own.
Besides that, date your husband again. Either get a sitter and go out, or if you really can't afford it, have a date at home. Make it romantic, snacks and wine by the fire, a romantic or exciting movie. No cell phone, no chats with bf.
If your kids don't do well with a sitter at bedtime, do a day date when the kids are rested and eager to play with the sitter.
Hope this helps. Good luck. I don't feel you should have to choose. You may just need to tweak things to help your husband feel more appreciated and fulfilled by you.
You have 2 very young kids. You go out to bf's at least twice a week, either after the kids are in bed, or before they go to bed.
You haven't found good babysitters. So, twice a week, your husband is home with the kids while you're off having sexy romantic fun with bf! That would suck for him. He's home alone, perhaps bored and lonely, perhaps tired from doing bedtime alone, and dealing with later wakeups kids are often prone to.
I recommend 2 things. Work harder to find (and afford) babysitters. So if you're off with bf, husband could go out and do something fun for himself. On nights you're home, encourage hubby to go out and pursue a hobby, or visit a friend (even your lover), or find another lover of his own.
Besides that, date your husband again. Either get a sitter and go out, or if you really can't afford it, have a date at home. Make it romantic, snacks and wine by the fire, a romantic or exciting movie. No cell phone, no chats with bf.
If your kids don't do well with a sitter at bedtime, do a day date when the kids are rested and eager to play with the sitter.
Hope this helps. Good luck. I don't feel you should have to choose. You may just need to tweak things to help your husband feel more appreciated and fulfilled by you.
This is what I’m internally struggling with. If my husband truly is not ok with this I need to make a decision on what to do. I would go back to my husband and try and work things out. It’s easy to say end the relationship with my bf and go back to monogamy. It’s extremely hard for me now that I have feelings for him. I obviously get something from him that I don’t get from my husband. I’m not sure my husband will ever be able to fill that void for me. It’s unreasonable to suggest that he alone would check all those boxes for me. I have changed a great deal since we got married. The same with my bf he doesn’t check all my boxes ether. That’s why I felt so content with the two of them I’ve felt more myself.
I don’t want to hurt my husband by carrying on with my boyfriend. If he’s clearly not ok with this then it needs to end. I’m just not sure how to handle this emotionally. It already hurts thinking about it. I will also be hurting my boyfriend. I’ve really made a mess of things
So little backstory there... he is my husbands friend I met him when I first met my husband 15 years ago. It's never been a secret that we've found each other attractive. Before we were married we all nearly had a threesome together. I think this is one of the reasons why my husband was interested in starting this thing up. We talked about a threesome but things haven't progressed that way. I wouldn't say they were that close as mates anymore their friendship has been off and on through the years.
We both agreed it would be a short time fling. We never really gave a time limit. I also believed it would be a short time fling, I never expected it to go on this long. My feelings have taken me by surprise and it's scared me but I do feel content with my husband and my boyfriend. It's not something I expected.
I didn't even imagine I'd enter into a relationship with him. This whole thing has caught me surprise also. I've made it clear to my husband that I never want to leave him for my boyfriend. My boyfriend also doesn't want that commitment. One thing my boyfriend doesn't want and has never wanted is kids. There are things with boyfriend that I know we could never be compatible long term and cohabit.
This is a big reason why he opened the marriage. He knows I'm not happy sexually and he wanted me to experience different sexual positions. Physically the only position we can do is me on top. He knows my desires to be dominated and be with another man. We've only had each other, we've had no other sexual partners. My husband was my first boyfriend.
Yes! Exactly!! He has said this to me many times, "I feel like I'm pushing you to go over there". He enjoys the kinky aspect, me getting dressed up going over to my bfs then coming home and having him. Then the next day he's very conflicted about it. He has always been conservative in his nature so I can understand his difficulty with this.
Yeah, I'm not sure if he'll ever be there. There's a lot to sort out on both sides. I do know that if I have to end things with my boyfriend then I will even though it will hurt a great deal. The marriage means more to me and us so we will have to work through these issues somehow.
I don't leave until I know both kids are sleeping. Going over to my boyfriends has also been a timeout away from the house and kids. I'm a stay at home mom and don't drive. So I'm always home! Being able to get away even for a few hours to decompress saves my sanity.
My husband has his time away during the week also. Once a week he goes to a club after work to enjoy his hobby. He often comes back late. So we each try and take some time away from the house.
We try and find a sitter at least twice a month and go out to dinner. Saturday night we actually went out to dinner and a movie. We could spend time with each other more at home without electronic devices that would be nice. I know he'd love for us to spend more time together in the evenings without that interference.
OK, scratch what I said then. Your husband is a cuckold, who experiences shame about this after he cums. It's not really poly, it's a badly handled kink.
So he gets his jollies from watching you dress up for a date. He practically pushes you out the door. He is excited to get fucked by you when you have just come from your bf.
Then he cums. He feels shame and disgust at himself. He pushes that shame onto you and then says you need to stop seeing your bf.
Next time he gets horny tho, lather, rinse, repeat!
Maybe he needs to to go the online community Fetlife and read the profiles of men who are happy cucks and don't feel crippling guilt after they cum. Would be nice if he could overcome this. But coupled with his physical handicap, I'm sure it would take a lot of work. He feels inadequate as a man and so has compensated for this by his cuckold fantasies and experiences, but then resents it once he's cum.
This is not fair to you!
So he gets his jollies from watching you dress up for a date. He practically pushes you out the door. He is excited to get fucked by you when you have just come from your bf.
Then he cums. He feels shame and disgust at himself. He pushes that shame onto you and then says you need to stop seeing your bf.
Next time he gets horny tho, lather, rinse, repeat!
Maybe he needs to to go the online community Fetlife and read the profiles of men who are happy cucks and don't feel crippling guilt after they cum. Would be nice if he could overcome this. But coupled with his physical handicap, I'm sure it would take a lot of work. He feels inadequate as a man and so has compensated for this by his cuckold fantasies and experiences, but then resents it once he's cum.
This is not fair to you!
Jut read your last post. You don't drive? Does your cuckold husband even drive you to your bf's? That would be even more pleasurably humiliating! And shame inducing later...
Maybe you should learn to drive, just sayin.'
Boyfriend picks me up and drops me off. Oh yeah he definitely gets off by the whole thing. He’s asked me to go over without panties before or to take sexy pictures and send them to my boyfriend. He knows he’s doing it as he says sometimes I feel I push you towards him.
Yes! Working on getting my license.
OK, time for a serious talk when he is in between the horny phase and the shame phase.
Let him know you enjoy him enjoying the cuckold thing, but how it's not fair to you that his shame then drives him to torture you after he's cum by demanding YOU do something different. Those are deeply troubling double messages his sending you. It's not your problem, it's his.
I understand shame. My ex husband had a lot of shame in his life, and troubles with his masculinity (for different reasons than your husband-- it stemmed from his parents' style of parenting). My current long term nesting partner also has shame around her desires for kink. (She is also physically handicapped in a couple different ways.) But she sought long term psychotherapy and her shame is no longer "crippling" (heh). She's aware of her shame issues and has overcome them a lot! But she's never pushed her shame around her kink desires onto her partners, she knows it's her own problem, she owns it.
You're in a V. Your husband is an arm of the V. You are the hinge. Everyone needs to handle their own baggage. It's not your job to handle your husband's baggage. That's on him. It's never the hinge's job to handle the problems the arms of the V have. That's on them, and therapy can and does help.
You definitely should not stop seeing bf for sex.
It's good you and hubby get sitters and go on dates. It's good he has a life and goes out to pursue hobbies.
It's not good you don't drive. It's not good he pushes his shame onto you. And it's not good for the marriage to spend too much time on your devices when you need good quality couple time.
Let him know you enjoy him enjoying the cuckold thing, but how it's not fair to you that his shame then drives him to torture you after he's cum by demanding YOU do something different. Those are deeply troubling double messages his sending you. It's not your problem, it's his.
I understand shame. My ex husband had a lot of shame in his life, and troubles with his masculinity (for different reasons than your husband-- it stemmed from his parents' style of parenting). My current long term nesting partner also has shame around her desires for kink. (She is also physically handicapped in a couple different ways.) But she sought long term psychotherapy and her shame is no longer "crippling" (heh). She's aware of her shame issues and has overcome them a lot! But she's never pushed her shame around her kink desires onto her partners, she knows it's her own problem, she owns it.
You're in a V. Your husband is an arm of the V. You are the hinge. Everyone needs to handle their own baggage. It's not your job to handle your husband's baggage. That's on him. It's never the hinge's job to handle the problems the arms of the V have. That's on them, and therapy can and does help.
You definitely should not stop seeing bf for sex.
It's good you and hubby get sitters and go on dates. It's good he has a life and goes out to pursue hobbies.
It's not good you don't drive. It's not good he pushes his shame onto you. And it's not good for the marriage to spend too much time on your devices when you need good quality couple time.