TLDR: My wife’s new partner is everything she dreams of and for the first time in 15 years, I’m seriously considering divorce, and I’m devastated.
Hi everyone!
My wife and I are coming up on our 10-year anniversary and I’m not sure I’m going to make it.
We’ve been together for 15 years now, and for 14 of those years, we have been each other's best friends. We did everything together. We shared the same hobbies, went on dates, enjoyed life, had great sex that only got better, took life’s punches in stride. We are heavy communicators, and any time there was an issue (very rare), we would talk about it and solve it by the evening. We tell each other everything. Yes, we have our own private lives, but we trust each other explicitly. It wasn’t perfect, but we were both so happy! We started to take pride in how well our relationship was going. Where others broke up within a few years, we were still going strong.
The only rocky part of our marriage was the frequency of sex. I’m a hyper-sexual, and she has a very low libido. It’s been hard for me to go sometimes a month without sex, but I’ve always managed. This comes into play a little later.
Around 2 years ago, my wife came out as a lesbian. It took a lot of courage and I’m so proud of her for it. She was worried how I might react. The low libido made sense now, but it was tough reconciling she wasn’t really all that attracted to me, even though it helped knowing it wasn’t me, it was just because I was a man! This is when we decided to have a serious discussion about a polyamorous lifestyle.
She had a thing for a girl, and after some gentle pushing and much communication, we agreed that being polyamorous felt right. She could pursue a relationship with a woman for the first time in her life, and I hopefully would find someone with a libido that matched mine, maybe even the same person. We were nervous, but excited!
Unfortunately, the woman she was interested in did not share the same feelings, and after a year of dating apps, she was starting to feel very rejected herself. I too, was unable to find anyone even willing to even talk to me, let alone date, so we both took major blows to our egos.
Around 6 months ago, in the efforts of boosting her ego, she started pursuing men on these dating apps, and the floodgates opened up. Soon she was talking with two or three men a week. She insisted it wasn’t anything serious, she just wanted to feel attractive, and she wasn’t going to go on any dates, just talk. At the time, I fully supported it, though I was very confused, since she had come out as lesbian.
Meanwhile, I was starting to feel insecure about myself, which doesn’t help the situation. I had not even gotten a single match up to this point, which is disheartening itself, but I was starting to feel like perhaps my wife wasn’t attracted to me. The way she talked about the men she was matching with was nothing like she talked about me, and it was hard to hear. In what I feel like was a fatal mistake, I chose to support her and celebrate her new success, rather than talking to her about my insecurities. She seemed so happy, and I didn’t want to bring her down.
Surprisingly, she actually ended up meeting someone she really clicked with, but as things started going uphill for her, I was headed downhill very rapidly. Her new relationship bloomed quickly. She was glowing. Happy. So very happy. He loved her hobbies. He was goofy with her and she loved it. They sand and listened to the same music. And to top everything off, they had (and continue to have) a lot of sex.
Meanwhile, I felt like I was slowly losing my best friend, and I was becoming more lonely than ever. When she was home, she just wanted to rot, and we never did anything together but chores and sleep. Not only that, but my insecurities had taken a turn for the worse, and the idea that perhaps she never had a low libido, bit simply wasn’t attracted to me, poisoned my mind over the next few months.
I tried communicating all this to her, but she insists she loves him in a different way, and our love is timeless and powerful. But I can’t get it across that it’s not how it feels. I feel replaced.
She tries to compromise, to come up with a schedule so we can see each other more. She tries to do things I enjoy on our days, give me as much attention as possible. But it’s not the same. My entire life feels like a bad dream, an upside-down world. As I look at what he brings to the table for her, I can’t help but feel inadequate, and useless. The things we used to do together she now does with him, and I’m left feeling like I’m begging for the scraps of her love.
I’ve since entered into a QPR for the last few months. On the days my wife is with her boyfriend, my QPR and I are together. I really do love this relationship, and we’re really enjoying the new dynamic, as this is new for both of us. However, they’re asexual, and although this means the emotional side of things is very powerful, I’m still finding myself getting more and more sexually frustrated.
The little bit of sex I do have with my wife is unsatisfying for me now. For the first few months, I learned that the sex she was having with her new partner was the best she’s ever had in her life, and now, I can’t help but feel she’s also unsatisfied when we have sex, even though she insists that’s it’s fine. She says it’s the same as it’s always been, which actually makes me feel worse, since it feels like she’s saying it’s been mediocre for her the entire time, and she’s ok with that. The cherry on top is she’s come out and told me she’s demisexual and that she’s never felt an emotional connection with me while having sex (which, again, she insists she’s fine with). This is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to hear in my life.
I feel like I’m the problem. If I just changed my attitude, everything will be better. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times we talk, I feel like it’s either getting worse, or I’m just settling for a new normal of unhappiness.
The worst part of it is that I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore. Our communication that was so strong before, in 6 short months, has dwindled to a trickle.
Is my marriage over? I’m frightened, sad, lonely, and terrified I’ve fucked this up. Given how badly the dating scene has gone for me, I’m afraid if I leave her, I’ll never find anyone ever again, and I’ll be lonely the rest of my life, so perhaps it’s just better to settle in and accept what I get.
I’m sorry this is so long. I just don’t know what to do…
Hi everyone!
My wife and I are coming up on our 10-year anniversary and I’m not sure I’m going to make it.
We’ve been together for 15 years now, and for 14 of those years, we have been each other's best friends. We did everything together. We shared the same hobbies, went on dates, enjoyed life, had great sex that only got better, took life’s punches in stride. We are heavy communicators, and any time there was an issue (very rare), we would talk about it and solve it by the evening. We tell each other everything. Yes, we have our own private lives, but we trust each other explicitly. It wasn’t perfect, but we were both so happy! We started to take pride in how well our relationship was going. Where others broke up within a few years, we were still going strong.
The only rocky part of our marriage was the frequency of sex. I’m a hyper-sexual, and she has a very low libido. It’s been hard for me to go sometimes a month without sex, but I’ve always managed. This comes into play a little later.
Around 2 years ago, my wife came out as a lesbian. It took a lot of courage and I’m so proud of her for it. She was worried how I might react. The low libido made sense now, but it was tough reconciling she wasn’t really all that attracted to me, even though it helped knowing it wasn’t me, it was just because I was a man! This is when we decided to have a serious discussion about a polyamorous lifestyle.
She had a thing for a girl, and after some gentle pushing and much communication, we agreed that being polyamorous felt right. She could pursue a relationship with a woman for the first time in her life, and I hopefully would find someone with a libido that matched mine, maybe even the same person. We were nervous, but excited!
Unfortunately, the woman she was interested in did not share the same feelings, and after a year of dating apps, she was starting to feel very rejected herself. I too, was unable to find anyone even willing to even talk to me, let alone date, so we both took major blows to our egos.
Around 6 months ago, in the efforts of boosting her ego, she started pursuing men on these dating apps, and the floodgates opened up. Soon she was talking with two or three men a week. She insisted it wasn’t anything serious, she just wanted to feel attractive, and she wasn’t going to go on any dates, just talk. At the time, I fully supported it, though I was very confused, since she had come out as lesbian.
Meanwhile, I was starting to feel insecure about myself, which doesn’t help the situation. I had not even gotten a single match up to this point, which is disheartening itself, but I was starting to feel like perhaps my wife wasn’t attracted to me. The way she talked about the men she was matching with was nothing like she talked about me, and it was hard to hear. In what I feel like was a fatal mistake, I chose to support her and celebrate her new success, rather than talking to her about my insecurities. She seemed so happy, and I didn’t want to bring her down.
Surprisingly, she actually ended up meeting someone she really clicked with, but as things started going uphill for her, I was headed downhill very rapidly. Her new relationship bloomed quickly. She was glowing. Happy. So very happy. He loved her hobbies. He was goofy with her and she loved it. They sand and listened to the same music. And to top everything off, they had (and continue to have) a lot of sex.
Meanwhile, I felt like I was slowly losing my best friend, and I was becoming more lonely than ever. When she was home, she just wanted to rot, and we never did anything together but chores and sleep. Not only that, but my insecurities had taken a turn for the worse, and the idea that perhaps she never had a low libido, bit simply wasn’t attracted to me, poisoned my mind over the next few months.
I tried communicating all this to her, but she insists she loves him in a different way, and our love is timeless and powerful. But I can’t get it across that it’s not how it feels. I feel replaced.
She tries to compromise, to come up with a schedule so we can see each other more. She tries to do things I enjoy on our days, give me as much attention as possible. But it’s not the same. My entire life feels like a bad dream, an upside-down world. As I look at what he brings to the table for her, I can’t help but feel inadequate, and useless. The things we used to do together she now does with him, and I’m left feeling like I’m begging for the scraps of her love.
I’ve since entered into a QPR for the last few months. On the days my wife is with her boyfriend, my QPR and I are together. I really do love this relationship, and we’re really enjoying the new dynamic, as this is new for both of us. However, they’re asexual, and although this means the emotional side of things is very powerful, I’m still finding myself getting more and more sexually frustrated.
The little bit of sex I do have with my wife is unsatisfying for me now. For the first few months, I learned that the sex she was having with her new partner was the best she’s ever had in her life, and now, I can’t help but feel she’s also unsatisfied when we have sex, even though she insists that’s it’s fine. She says it’s the same as it’s always been, which actually makes me feel worse, since it feels like she’s saying it’s been mediocre for her the entire time, and she’s ok with that. The cherry on top is she’s come out and told me she’s demisexual and that she’s never felt an emotional connection with me while having sex (which, again, she insists she’s fine with). This is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to hear in my life.
I feel like I’m the problem. If I just changed my attitude, everything will be better. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times we talk, I feel like it’s either getting worse, or I’m just settling for a new normal of unhappiness.
The worst part of it is that I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore. Our communication that was so strong before, in 6 short months, has dwindled to a trickle.
Is my marriage over? I’m frightened, sad, lonely, and terrified I’ve fucked this up. Given how badly the dating scene has gone for me, I’m afraid if I leave her, I’ll never find anyone ever again, and I’ll be lonely the rest of my life, so perhaps it’s just better to settle in and accept what I get.
I’m sorry this is so long. I just don’t know what to do…
