morgenblatter
New member
Hello everyone,
This is quite the long story, its complicated and all in all, confusing and overwhelming.
I met my first real love when I was 17 years old. We instantly connected, although I was dating someone at the time, but my love for him was so strong that I decided to leave my current boyfriend and start something new with him. For the purposes of this text my first real love will be called Charlie.
Charlie and I did long distance for a year, we then moved to the same city and a year later moved in together. After two years of living together we started having some trouble, we fought a lot, i had a very low self esteem and although i could see that he loved me, and that i loved him, we started to resent each other and mistreat each other.
Its important to mention that I had always been a flirty girl, I enjoy the attention I get from most men and I do not have trouble getting that attention.
During my four years with him I had been loyal and faithful, but I was unhappy and I never knew why. In January of 2015 I left on a student exchange of six months to Vienna. When I left things were doing badly, but we decided to stay together because we knew there was still love there but we just needed space and a bit of independence. When I moved to Vienna I started changing, I became very independent, I was open and extroverted and I just wanted to have fun with friends and go to parties. Charlie and I started talking less and less, and we became distant as the first few weeks passed. After two months, 3 days after my birthday he broke up with me; it was the end of my world. After 3 weeks of being a complete zombie, i decided that i couldnt ruin my time abroad so i started going out again although i still hurt a lot and all i did at night was think of him.
One day at a party, I met a guy. He was the most arrogant asshole Ive ever met. He was beautiful though; he was Swedish, spoke 5 languages, had an bachelor in electric engineering and was on his way of completing his MBA. But he was an asshole. In spite of our first encounter in which all we did was argue and give each other dirty looks, he added me on facebook the morning after. I was quite amused since i never thought he would want to add a girl who was so annoyed by him and so honest about it. We ended up bonding a lot and eventually, we ended up becoming inseparable. We traveled through Europe together, we slept together every night, ate together, we had the same group of friends, and he was quick to admit he was falling in love with me. I was conflicted since my ex was still on my mind constantly but I was so happy in my little fairytale that I convinced myself i loved him too.
It came time for me to come back to Canada, it was a horrible goodbye, i was afraid to come back here since I didnt have a home anymore and was forced to live at my sisters place. When I got here I was still very euphoric about my trip, so although i was hurt and i was sad about my break up, i had the courage to move in with my sister and go back to work and feel somewhat normal.
After a month of beng back, as i was coming back from a party in which i had one too many drinks, i hopped on my bike and i went all the way to Charlie's house. The backdoor was open and i went into his bedroom, he was sleeping and i sled into his bed. At first he freaked out but when he realized it was me he, held me and started crying saying he had done the worst mistake of his life and that he loved me and that he couldnt believe i was back.
The issue here was that I was still in constant contact with Swedish guy. We tlked every day, we were holding what seemed like a long distance relationship.
This is when my whole ordeal starts. Ever since that night and up until this very moment, I have been feeing caught between two people. I love two people. I want to be with these two people, but neither of them is comfortable with "sharing" me. specially not swedish boy. I was honest and told him my ex had come back to the picture, he freaked out but still wanted to be in my life. In October he came all the way from Sweden to be with me, and Charlie was well aware than within those two weeks I was gonna be intimate and share a bed with Swedish boy. During those two weeks I realized that although swedish boy meant a lot to me, we werent as compatible outside of Vienna, and when he left we said goodbye and it was very painful. I told myself it was time to give my ex another real chance and start something fresh...
5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, with Swedish boy's baby.
When I told Swedish guy i was pregnant, he reacted well, and said he would encourage me in any decisins i chose to make. Although I would have loved to have a child, the moment was not right and I decided to terminate my pregnancy. 3 days before it happened I had asked Swedish boy if he was sure this was the thing to do, and he violently answered that i was my choice and that he wasnt gonna fly me to sweden to take care of me and my baby. It broke me; i realized i wanted him to want this baby and for him to want me in Sweden.
I still got the abortion since i couldnt provide for my child or raise a baby while ine law school, and the day of my abortion Charlie came to see me at my house. He took care of me all night, fed me, put me to sleep, hugged me until i stopped crying the next morning.
Swedish boy became very distant, very rude; he would humiliate me and make me feel bad about waht happened but then he would become very emotional and he would create scenarios where we actually had the baby and how happy we would have been togethr the three of us. I started to feel very depressed and insecure but Charlie stood by me the whole time, without a complaint.
For some reason, my twisted mind kept longing for Swedish boy. I wanted to talk to him every day, i started missing the baby and i started missing being pregnant and all i wanted was another baby and to move to Sweden to have a baby with him; this is apparently called post-traumatic stress disorder after an abortion, and i was feeling it.
Charlie and I became serious again, although Swedish boy and I talked a lot. Charlie always told me he was not at all upset that i talked to Swedish boy, after all he knew we had a lot to talk about.
I moved in back with my parents, became a bit more distant with Swedish boy but i missed him every day. I started crying and wanting to be with him. I cried in front of Charlie because Swedish boy wouldnt talk to me and I stared feeling gross and selfish because Charlie never complained he just listened and loved me and took care of me every day.
We are now in April, And i am going to a summer abroad in Spain. Swedish boy contacted me and asked me if i wanted to go to Sweden to see him.
Today he purchased a ticket for me to go see him in August.
I told Charlie, and Charlie looked extremely hurt. I thought this was it, and I was so afraid he would leave me but the need of seeing Swedish boy is so strong i couldnt say no to his offer.
Charlie ended up saying that all he wanted was my happiness and that if seeing swedish boy made me happy, he was okay with it.
For the pas 7 months i feel like ive had two boyfriends. I love them both, but clearly Charlie has a bigger place in my heart since he was with me through the hardest time of my short existence.
I want to know if I am polyamoros or if im just confused. I feel like I need both of them in order to be happy, and ive never lied and have always been honest with both.
There are also others guys who have tried to appraoch me through all this and I cant say that i dont feel attracted to any of them, I am just not in love with any of them.
My biggest concern here is that I am hurting people; If I am polyamorous, I shouldnt force it onto others if they feel like monogamy is the way to go. Right now everything is in the open, we are all aware of whats happening but i cant help to feel bad, feel guilty and selfish. I am also so afraid of losing any of them. I am very anxious and overwhelmed, I wanna know how to be okay with all of this myself and not feel guilty
Has anyone encoutnered feelings of guilt while maintaining a polyamourus relationship with two people who dont identify as polyamorous?
Should I feel guilty?
Am I doing something wrong?
I would really appreciate some insight into this.
I thank everyone in advance.
This is quite the long story, its complicated and all in all, confusing and overwhelming.
I met my first real love when I was 17 years old. We instantly connected, although I was dating someone at the time, but my love for him was so strong that I decided to leave my current boyfriend and start something new with him. For the purposes of this text my first real love will be called Charlie.
Charlie and I did long distance for a year, we then moved to the same city and a year later moved in together. After two years of living together we started having some trouble, we fought a lot, i had a very low self esteem and although i could see that he loved me, and that i loved him, we started to resent each other and mistreat each other.
Its important to mention that I had always been a flirty girl, I enjoy the attention I get from most men and I do not have trouble getting that attention.
During my four years with him I had been loyal and faithful, but I was unhappy and I never knew why. In January of 2015 I left on a student exchange of six months to Vienna. When I left things were doing badly, but we decided to stay together because we knew there was still love there but we just needed space and a bit of independence. When I moved to Vienna I started changing, I became very independent, I was open and extroverted and I just wanted to have fun with friends and go to parties. Charlie and I started talking less and less, and we became distant as the first few weeks passed. After two months, 3 days after my birthday he broke up with me; it was the end of my world. After 3 weeks of being a complete zombie, i decided that i couldnt ruin my time abroad so i started going out again although i still hurt a lot and all i did at night was think of him.
One day at a party, I met a guy. He was the most arrogant asshole Ive ever met. He was beautiful though; he was Swedish, spoke 5 languages, had an bachelor in electric engineering and was on his way of completing his MBA. But he was an asshole. In spite of our first encounter in which all we did was argue and give each other dirty looks, he added me on facebook the morning after. I was quite amused since i never thought he would want to add a girl who was so annoyed by him and so honest about it. We ended up bonding a lot and eventually, we ended up becoming inseparable. We traveled through Europe together, we slept together every night, ate together, we had the same group of friends, and he was quick to admit he was falling in love with me. I was conflicted since my ex was still on my mind constantly but I was so happy in my little fairytale that I convinced myself i loved him too.
It came time for me to come back to Canada, it was a horrible goodbye, i was afraid to come back here since I didnt have a home anymore and was forced to live at my sisters place. When I got here I was still very euphoric about my trip, so although i was hurt and i was sad about my break up, i had the courage to move in with my sister and go back to work and feel somewhat normal.
After a month of beng back, as i was coming back from a party in which i had one too many drinks, i hopped on my bike and i went all the way to Charlie's house. The backdoor was open and i went into his bedroom, he was sleeping and i sled into his bed. At first he freaked out but when he realized it was me he, held me and started crying saying he had done the worst mistake of his life and that he loved me and that he couldnt believe i was back.
The issue here was that I was still in constant contact with Swedish guy. We tlked every day, we were holding what seemed like a long distance relationship.
This is when my whole ordeal starts. Ever since that night and up until this very moment, I have been feeing caught between two people. I love two people. I want to be with these two people, but neither of them is comfortable with "sharing" me. specially not swedish boy. I was honest and told him my ex had come back to the picture, he freaked out but still wanted to be in my life. In October he came all the way from Sweden to be with me, and Charlie was well aware than within those two weeks I was gonna be intimate and share a bed with Swedish boy. During those two weeks I realized that although swedish boy meant a lot to me, we werent as compatible outside of Vienna, and when he left we said goodbye and it was very painful. I told myself it was time to give my ex another real chance and start something fresh...
5 weeks later I found out I was pregnant, with Swedish boy's baby.
When I told Swedish guy i was pregnant, he reacted well, and said he would encourage me in any decisins i chose to make. Although I would have loved to have a child, the moment was not right and I decided to terminate my pregnancy. 3 days before it happened I had asked Swedish boy if he was sure this was the thing to do, and he violently answered that i was my choice and that he wasnt gonna fly me to sweden to take care of me and my baby. It broke me; i realized i wanted him to want this baby and for him to want me in Sweden.
I still got the abortion since i couldnt provide for my child or raise a baby while ine law school, and the day of my abortion Charlie came to see me at my house. He took care of me all night, fed me, put me to sleep, hugged me until i stopped crying the next morning.
Swedish boy became very distant, very rude; he would humiliate me and make me feel bad about waht happened but then he would become very emotional and he would create scenarios where we actually had the baby and how happy we would have been togethr the three of us. I started to feel very depressed and insecure but Charlie stood by me the whole time, without a complaint.
For some reason, my twisted mind kept longing for Swedish boy. I wanted to talk to him every day, i started missing the baby and i started missing being pregnant and all i wanted was another baby and to move to Sweden to have a baby with him; this is apparently called post-traumatic stress disorder after an abortion, and i was feeling it.
Charlie and I became serious again, although Swedish boy and I talked a lot. Charlie always told me he was not at all upset that i talked to Swedish boy, after all he knew we had a lot to talk about.
I moved in back with my parents, became a bit more distant with Swedish boy but i missed him every day. I started crying and wanting to be with him. I cried in front of Charlie because Swedish boy wouldnt talk to me and I stared feeling gross and selfish because Charlie never complained he just listened and loved me and took care of me every day.
We are now in April, And i am going to a summer abroad in Spain. Swedish boy contacted me and asked me if i wanted to go to Sweden to see him.
Today he purchased a ticket for me to go see him in August.
I told Charlie, and Charlie looked extremely hurt. I thought this was it, and I was so afraid he would leave me but the need of seeing Swedish boy is so strong i couldnt say no to his offer.
Charlie ended up saying that all he wanted was my happiness and that if seeing swedish boy made me happy, he was okay with it.
For the pas 7 months i feel like ive had two boyfriends. I love them both, but clearly Charlie has a bigger place in my heart since he was with me through the hardest time of my short existence.
I want to know if I am polyamoros or if im just confused. I feel like I need both of them in order to be happy, and ive never lied and have always been honest with both.
There are also others guys who have tried to appraoch me through all this and I cant say that i dont feel attracted to any of them, I am just not in love with any of them.
My biggest concern here is that I am hurting people; If I am polyamorous, I shouldnt force it onto others if they feel like monogamy is the way to go. Right now everything is in the open, we are all aware of whats happening but i cant help to feel bad, feel guilty and selfish. I am also so afraid of losing any of them. I am very anxious and overwhelmed, I wanna know how to be okay with all of this myself and not feel guilty
Has anyone encoutnered feelings of guilt while maintaining a polyamourus relationship with two people who dont identify as polyamorous?
Should I feel guilty?
Am I doing something wrong?
I would really appreciate some insight into this.
I thank everyone in advance.
