Hi everyone,
I thought I would post an introduction and describe a bit about my situation, which is pretty emotionally challenging for me. I have some of this with friends, but have not really been able to discuss it with people experienced in polyamory, so I would love to hear if anyone has thoughts. This might be long; I just have to get it all out. Here's my story:
TLDR version: My wife of ~20 years came out as poly. I agree in theory, but just don't like the idea in practice. Some deep part of me does not seem to want it.
What I am trying to figure out is whether:
1) Can I deal with my jealousy and get over it enough to find increased happiness in a poly relationship for both of us, and (importantly) continue to be in a good, healthy, non-resentful relationship with my wife;
2) Or is a poly relationship is just not for me, even beneath all the social conditioning and fears, and if that's the case, what then?
Here are the things I don't want, and why I feel really trapped:
1) I don't want to say "yes", wholeheartedly, knowing that it with suck and possibly damage our relationship/family. What if I am not able to be happy, and I will not be a pleasant person to be married to?
2) I don't want to say "no", and always feel like I let my jealousies get in the way of her fulfillment. I don't know that she would be get over that.
Okay, now if you want the details, here they are:
I am a cis man in a monogamous marriage with a cis woman for 20 years. We were basically kids when we met, and it's really lucky that we ended up being really good for eachother. Our first few years were quite intense with NRE and connection; I think that I got a huge amount of happiness from the experience of having another person care about me and love me so much (having not had this growing up; and this becomes relevant later). I would say that intense closeness lasted about 10 years, and then we got married and had kids.
The past 10 years have been spent parenting and working, and during that time I felt that we had drifted apart, emotionally and sexually. I doubled down on being a good parent and a good spouse - not trying to pat myself on the back, I think I went overboard to compensate for my own parents' failures, and squashed any other kinds of lust or attraction away as irrelevant now that I was a parent. I was never entirely at peace with monogamy for life, but I decided that it was worth it for what I got - a loving, happy and supportive family. If I could be sure I'd have a good sex life with my wife, I'd probably be satisfied and not want to rock the boat.
Meanwhile, my overall sense over the last 5 years has been that while my wife still liked and cared about me, she was "not that into me," no matter how much she has tried. Even if her conscious mind felt the same, her unconscious mind and her body lost it's passion. It hurts to acknowledge that, but I think it's true, and I miss what we had. (For the record, she has been an amazing mother)
So now, after all this, my wife proposed an open relationship last year. I said okay, but we were both too scared or busy or unsure what to do about it.
Fast forward to last month, my wife comes out as polyamorous and is quite ready to start new intimate relationships (at least, once we're in the clear with COVID). I say "comes out" because it was more like an identity thing than just an idea - she says she's known this since she was a kid, and never got over the guilt, social pressure, etc. to admit it to herself. She's been reading and it all makes total sense to her. You might say she's drunk the Kool Aid (well, I might say that because she tends to think/hope that it can all go smoothly and easily if we just give it a try).
Well, much more than the open relationship talk, this threw me for a loop, and really rocked my confidence in the marriage and my "story" of our relationship. I felt like I'd been downgraded, and to some extent I have - because she's saying that the roles we played for each other all these years can now, more satisfyingly, be played by other people. She has full confidence that this will not threaten our relationship/family, doesn't think she'll be particularly jealous, and tends to dismiss the challenges we might face.
She has not started any intimate relationships, although she has developed a close friendship with a man who I think would probably be a boyfriend if I gave the "okay". She says that she wants me to do the same, and does not seem to feel any jealousy or concern.
I am theoretically and philosophically on board with the non-monagamy. But practically I am having a very hard time conceiving of how I can integrate it into my life and what my feeling of family provides me. I just... like what we've got. I want to improve my relationship with my wife. I like her and want to be closer, not to outsource unfulfilled needs to others and just continue being good life partners/parents.
Okay, a few last points (I know I'm throwing way too much out there for anyone to give detailed feedback):
P.S. There's a chance my wife is lurking on this forum, too, and will recognize this story, in which case I guess I'll just say, "Hi honey!"
I thought I would post an introduction and describe a bit about my situation, which is pretty emotionally challenging for me. I have some of this with friends, but have not really been able to discuss it with people experienced in polyamory, so I would love to hear if anyone has thoughts. This might be long; I just have to get it all out. Here's my story:
TLDR version: My wife of ~20 years came out as poly. I agree in theory, but just don't like the idea in practice. Some deep part of me does not seem to want it.
What I am trying to figure out is whether:
1) Can I deal with my jealousy and get over it enough to find increased happiness in a poly relationship for both of us, and (importantly) continue to be in a good, healthy, non-resentful relationship with my wife;
2) Or is a poly relationship is just not for me, even beneath all the social conditioning and fears, and if that's the case, what then?
Here are the things I don't want, and why I feel really trapped:
1) I don't want to say "yes", wholeheartedly, knowing that it with suck and possibly damage our relationship/family. What if I am not able to be happy, and I will not be a pleasant person to be married to?
2) I don't want to say "no", and always feel like I let my jealousies get in the way of her fulfillment. I don't know that she would be get over that.
Okay, now if you want the details, here they are:
I am a cis man in a monogamous marriage with a cis woman for 20 years. We were basically kids when we met, and it's really lucky that we ended up being really good for eachother. Our first few years were quite intense with NRE and connection; I think that I got a huge amount of happiness from the experience of having another person care about me and love me so much (having not had this growing up; and this becomes relevant later). I would say that intense closeness lasted about 10 years, and then we got married and had kids.
The past 10 years have been spent parenting and working, and during that time I felt that we had drifted apart, emotionally and sexually. I doubled down on being a good parent and a good spouse - not trying to pat myself on the back, I think I went overboard to compensate for my own parents' failures, and squashed any other kinds of lust or attraction away as irrelevant now that I was a parent. I was never entirely at peace with monogamy for life, but I decided that it was worth it for what I got - a loving, happy and supportive family. If I could be sure I'd have a good sex life with my wife, I'd probably be satisfied and not want to rock the boat.
Meanwhile, my overall sense over the last 5 years has been that while my wife still liked and cared about me, she was "not that into me," no matter how much she has tried. Even if her conscious mind felt the same, her unconscious mind and her body lost it's passion. It hurts to acknowledge that, but I think it's true, and I miss what we had. (For the record, she has been an amazing mother)
So now, after all this, my wife proposed an open relationship last year. I said okay, but we were both too scared or busy or unsure what to do about it.
Fast forward to last month, my wife comes out as polyamorous and is quite ready to start new intimate relationships (at least, once we're in the clear with COVID). I say "comes out" because it was more like an identity thing than just an idea - she says she's known this since she was a kid, and never got over the guilt, social pressure, etc. to admit it to herself. She's been reading and it all makes total sense to her. You might say she's drunk the Kool Aid (well, I might say that because she tends to think/hope that it can all go smoothly and easily if we just give it a try).
Well, much more than the open relationship talk, this threw me for a loop, and really rocked my confidence in the marriage and my "story" of our relationship. I felt like I'd been downgraded, and to some extent I have - because she's saying that the roles we played for each other all these years can now, more satisfyingly, be played by other people. She has full confidence that this will not threaten our relationship/family, doesn't think she'll be particularly jealous, and tends to dismiss the challenges we might face.
She has not started any intimate relationships, although she has developed a close friendship with a man who I think would probably be a boyfriend if I gave the "okay". She says that she wants me to do the same, and does not seem to feel any jealousy or concern.
I am theoretically and philosophically on board with the non-monagamy. But practically I am having a very hard time conceiving of how I can integrate it into my life and what my feeling of family provides me. I just... like what we've got. I want to improve my relationship with my wife. I like her and want to be closer, not to outsource unfulfilled needs to others and just continue being good life partners/parents.
Okay, a few last points (I know I'm throwing way too much out there for anyone to give detailed feedback):
- I have been pretty happy, over the last 20 years, at this point in my life, that I don't have to worry about: unplanned pregnancy; STDs; or generally needing to impress people (not that I'm a slob, I'm just not very excited to hit the dating scene; I have a lot of other interests to focus on).
- I am well aware that I'm bringing my own baggage to this issue - I have a history of people not valuing me or being there for me when I needed them, to the point of trauma and neglect as a child. Then I found someone I knew cared fully for me (that would be my wife; and now my kids). So this is particularly triggering of fears of abandonment. Of course, she's also bringing her own baggage, which is not inconsiderable...
- Complicating things, I think I have reasonable fears that she will have a much easier time finding partners than me - both because she's a woman; she's gung-ho; she's attractive; and she's naturally flirtatious. I, on the other hand, am a man who is WAY out of practice dating or flirting; doesn't want to seem creepy; and I am ambivalent/less motivated. Whether I'm attractive, well, she says I am, but that's an open question. The point is, I am not very confident about finding my own partners, and fear being 'left behind' as it were.
P.S. There's a chance my wife is lurking on this forum, too, and will recognize this story, in which case I guess I'll just say, "Hi honey!"