Age Gaps in Poly: Problem, Perk, or No Big Deal?

NorseNerd

NorseNerd

New member
I’m curious about how others view and experience age differences in polyamorous relationships and partnerships.

For some, it seems like age gaps are a complete non-issue. For others, they can bring up challenges—whether that’s differences in life stage, energy levels, goals, or even social perception. And for some, it can be a source of connection or learning across generations.

I know everyone’s mileage may vary, but I’d like to hear how you approach it. Is age something you actively consider when forming new relationships? Has it ever been a challenge? Or do you see it as just another variable, no different than any other compatibility factor?

I’d love to get a wide range of perspectives, especially since poly dynamics already make space for diverse connections.
 
Haven't experienced it, but I think age gaps are less of an issue in poly relationships than in mono relationships (as long as both parties are consenting adults), because poly relationships are much more flexible and don't need to follow the traditional path of the relationship escalator. So two people can be in different "life stages" and still enjoy each other's company. If one of them wants to ride the relationship escalator, they can find another partner close to their age (or maybe they already have one).
 
I've got big ages gaps between myself and both of my partners. None of us find it to be a problem in any way. Yes, we are at different stages of life, but it doesn't seem to matter one bit. We still have plenty in common, share interests, philosophies, sensibilities, humor, desires, etc.

I wonder why, as a new member on this board, this particular question interests you?
 
Magdlyn said:
I've got big ages gaps between myself and both of my partners. None of us find it to be a problem in any way. Yes, we are at different stages of life, but it doesn't seem to matter one bit. We still have plenty in common, share interests, philosophies, sensibilities, humor, desires, etc.

I wonder why, as a new member on this board, this particular question interests you?
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It was just a thought that popped up. I'm in a few FB groups and noticed there was several fairly young people and then several of us older types. So since this forum seems like it reaches way more people than a smaller FB group i wanted to gauge other peoples experiences so far.

I also didn't want to offend or creep anyone out if I showed interest in someone younger/older than me. I figure it is better to ask than assume. And I do get that it is up to the individuals involved if it works or not. In the end, just curiosity really.
 
I think gaps in age are generally more severe the younger both parties are: there is a much bigger difference between a 20 and 30 year old pair than a 40 and 50 year old pair.

Once both parties are already established, independent adults, then age gaps become far less of a problematic aspect and one that allows for more openness in appreciating the differences, as OP pointed already pointed out.

To be honest, I think the only thing being Poly brings to the table is that we usually require a high level of emotional intelligence to navigate such complex landscapes and so I would guess tend to have an easier time navigating ages gaps as well. Has this been anyone’s experience/observations or am I just being hopelessly optimistic?
 
Hello NorseNerd,

I think it depends on the individual/s, and the particular situation. For some people, an age gap is a problem; for others, a perk; and in some cases maybe it's both! For me and my situation, I consider it no big deal. When I got married, my wife was about twice my age. This never posed a problem between me and her, although in all fairness I have to admit that her kids (from her first marriage) were (and are) furious.

That's my 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
NorseNerd said:
It was just a thought that popped up. I'm in a few FB groups and noticed there was several fairly young people and then several of us older types. So since this forum seems like it reaches way more people than a smaller FB group i wanted to gauge other peoples experiences so far.

I also didn't want to offend or creep anyone out if I showed interest in someone younger/older than me. I figure it is better to ask than assume. And I do get that it is up to the individuals involved if it works or not. In the end, just curiosity really.
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I don't think talking to and possibly dating someone from another generation will be perceived in the polyamory culture as necessarily creepy in and of itself. The creep factor, I believe, comes in with predatory behavior (of anyone of any age), and the act of "grooming," if you're dating someone in their late teens or early 20s. I tended to draw a line with 20somethings, when I was dating as a woman of middle age. I preferred someone in their late 20s, instead of early 20s, just for my own interest. That extra few years of experience and brain development means a lot.

To be honest, I would have preferred people closer to my own age (in some ways), and I have dated quite a few, but it rarely worked out, for various reasons.
 
Oooh my time to shine. My girlfriend is 19, and is 20 years younger than me. I really didn't want to date her, but she persisted and now we are here. My wife was okay with it. My girlfriend was okay with it. Apparently I was the only one who had any issues.
 
Stevek said:
Oooh my time to shine. My girlfriend is 19, and is 20 years younger than me. I really didn't want to date her, but she persisted and now we are here. My wife was okay with it. My girlfriend was okay with it. Apparently I was the only one who had any issues.
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Two questions!
1) I simply cannot fathom a 19yo having the emotional intelligence and maturity for such an arrangement, but maybe they’re making people different these days. Does the difference in lived experience not exacerbate pre-existing differences in perspective, patience, etc?

2) As a parent with a kid not much older than yours, how does he handle having you be intimate with someone so close to his age?
 
It has never been an issue. There's always been a large age gap because I connected better with people who are older than me.

Even when there are different life stages, you base it on your wants and needs. If the companionship work and you are compatible, who cares.
 
FeralGeek said:
Two questions!
1) I simply cannot fathom a 19yo having the emotional intelligence and maturity for such an arrangement, but maybe they’re making people different these days. Does the difference in lived experience not exacerbate pre-existing differences in perspective, patience, etc?

2) As a parent with a kid not much older than yours, how does he handle having you be intimate with someone so close to his age?
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I could answer both these questions if you are interested.

1. When I was 18 I dated a 30 something year old. Figuring out what kind of poly dynamic I wanted it was perfect. We had the same interests, mindset, approach, worldviews and I didn't want to go the relationship escalator because I wanted freedom and he had two little ones to take care of. It was the perfect balance of wants and needs at that stage of our lives.

2. Dated someone before with daughters slightly younger than me, and they were very welcoming. I think kids are generally less normative these days, especially if you educate them properly about the realm of relationships in monogamy and non-monogamy.
 
FeralGeek said:
1) I simply cannot fathom a 19yo having the emotional intelligence and maturity for such an arrangement, but maybe they’re making people different these days. Does the difference in lived experience not exacerbate pre-existing differences in perspective, patience, etc.?
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If you read SteveK's blog, you will see the problems his gf being so much younger and less experienced in love and sex have posed. It's rather troublesome.
FeralGeek said:
2) As a parent with a kid not much older than yours, how does he handle having you be intimate with someone so close to his age?
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I don't understand this question. Who is the parent? Who is this male young person? Your kid? Steve's kid? This kid is older than "yours" means what?
 
Magdlyn said:
If you read SteveK's blog, you will see the problems his gf being so much younger and less experienced in love and sex have posed. It's rather troublesome.
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Precisely my experience as well. I only ever dated someone under 20 (I was nearly 30) and found the difference in both emotional maturity and lived experience to be too big of a gap to overcome. I don’t think I’d ever dismiss someone ONLY for their age, but I’ve been an old, bitter soul for a long time and have found my ability to connect with young’ns on a level I’d be looking for in a relationship to be an awfully rare occurrence. I’m happy to be surprised, but yeh, not looking for it

Magdlyn said:
I don't understand this question. Who is the parent? Who is this male young person? Your kid? Steve's kid? This kid is older than "yours" means what?
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I was asking about Steven’s kid’s (13 and 10?) experience with their dad dating someone closer to their age than their dad’s. My oldest isnt much older than that (15 and 8), but I’ve only dated a touch older than myself since my divorce and devote a fair amount of time thinking about making sure my kids aren’t suffering the fallout of adjusting to our new post-marriage, post-monogamy life. I’d be surprised if such a person popped up for me, but I can definitely see myself stressing about how that might affect my children.
So far so good, but how great to have a community to compare notes with now!
 
FeralGeek said:
Precisely my experience as well. I only ever dated someone under 20 (I was nearly 30) and found the difference in both emotional maturity and lived experience to be too big of a gap to overcome. I don’t think I’d ever dismiss someone ONLY for their age, but I’ve been an old, bitter soul for a long time and have found my ability to connect with young’ns on a level I’d be looking for in a relationship to be an awfully rare occurrence. I’m happy to be surprised, but yeh, not looking for it


I was asking about Steven’s kid’s (13 and 10?) experience with their dad dating someone closer to their age than their dad’s. My oldest isn't much older than that (15 and 8), but I’ve only dated a touch older than myself since my divorce and devote a fair amount of time thinking about making sure my kids aren’t suffering the fallout of adjusting to our new post-marriage, post-monogamy life. I’d be surprised if such a person popped up for me, but I can definitely see myself stressing about how that might affect my children.
So far so good, but how great to have a community to compare notes with now!
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Ah, thanks for clarifying. I think the solution to this is to not introduce your young partner to the kids for quite some time, if ever.

Of course, we've all seen this scenario played out in movies and on TV countless times for comedic or dramatic effect. Divorced dad gets a younger gf, Mom gets a younger bf. (And sometimes Mom or Dad realizes they are gay or bi and brings home a same-sex lover.) Being polyamorous or divorced, or both, will add to this complication.

Heck, sometimes Mom or Dad realizes they are transgender, etc. Kids are pretty adaptable, as long as we treat them with sensitivity, I have found.

In my case, I was dating a lot more back in the day (2009-2017). I was separated, then divorced, and moving from monogamy to polyamory. I mostly kept my dating partners from meeting my kids (who were 16, 19 and 21 when their dad and I first separated), no matter the age of the dating partner, until (if and when) it got more serious.

Even so, I won't say it went completely smoothly. My oldest seemed the coolest with Mom dating, since she'd been most aware of how her dad and I had been struggling. The younger two had to work harder to make the transition (and of course, their parents' dating lives were just one aspect), but we all did our best, kept lines of communication open, etc. Luckily kids of that age, late teens, early 20s, are much more concerned with their own love lives than the love lives of their parents, so they seemed to eventually transition to a "live and let live" philosophy.
 
Have no particular issue with age gaps. It will heavily rely on the wants, needs and the availability of commitments that one can give. Why should one fight something that is a genuine connection if there's likeness and compatibility?
 
@FeralGeek

Thanks for the questions. For what it's worth, things have been bumpy from the get go. When we opened our marriage up, I was mainly expecting to have some one-night stands here and there. I met a few women who were around my age or a bit younger. I really liked a woman and she ghosted me after having sex. I assume age has nothing to do with how people behave these days.

With Kaitlyn (my gf), she has the right mindset, I suppose. There are some pains. She doesn't get some of my elder millennial humor. But keep in mind that we don't spend too much time together and that is by design. We do have lot of shared interests that help us a lot (hiking and bouldering - my wife doesn't care much about them). I think having shared interests that transcend age is the key. The biggest issue is the sex. We still haven't properly done it, and she is a virgin. But we are at a good place now and I think things will get better.

As far as my kids knowing, I haven't told them yet. Only my wife and my girlfriend's sister know that Kaitlyn and I are together (well, my gf's housemates too). I am worried about this, TBH. But that bridge will be crossed later.
 
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