Age Gaps

I don't think age should be a factor in finding a partner or partners. If you are attracted to each other, you shouldn't let the opportunity pass by, because you could miss out on what could be the best relationship you've ever had.

Society has changed a lot where an age gap is not a big deal anymore, but there are still some people who will get mortified by it and their opinions will never change.
 
NortheastPoly said:
I don't think age should be a factor in finding a partner or partners. If you are attracted to each other, you shouldn't let the opportunity pass by, because you could miss out on what could be the best relationship you've ever had.

Society has changed a lot where an age gap is not a big deal anymore, but there are still some people who will get mortified by it and their opinions will never change.
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I imagine most people's issue is that they're not attracted to people of a different age/generation, no? Not to sound too shallow, but physical appearance means a lot to me in a potential match, and ON AVERAGE, I find myself mostly attracted to people around my own age. I think the reason large age gaps are comparatively rare is not so much a matter of societal pressure, but a natural consequence of physical attraction. That's not to say that there are no beautiful older people, but they do seem to be in high demand within their own age group - and rarely available. Then factor in that culturally you will always have more in common with your peers, and it all starts to make sense.
 
I am almost 60 and I am attracted to people younger than me, you could say, in prime child breeding age (21-45ish). But I am cultivating a taste for older men... some can be cute. Only thing is, there can be problems with staying erect or ejaculating, and that's a drag. And then, many people get more conservative as they age, and I hate conservatives.
 
tenK said:
Then factor in that culturally you will always have more in common with your peers, and it all starts to make sense.
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No, not always. Most often, yes, but then there are exceptions to this rule. I hardly ever have culturally much in common with my peers, due to my past in a weird cult, and some coincidences in my life. I was brought up largely by people who would be age-wise the generation of my grandparents or even great-grandparents - and in this very conservative Christian cult. So there are very few people alive nowadays that have similar values and thoughts about life as I do, and yep, I get along well with way older people than myself.

ETA:
And then, many people get more conservative as they age, and I hate conservatives.
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Oh yes, this. Me too :p It really is hard to find good matches :D
 
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Re (from MusicalRose):
"For this particular man to date a woman so much younger than him would perpetuate toxic social tropes of older men with younger women ..."
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I'm not sure I'm willing to be held responsible for toxic social tropes ...
 
Is it non toxic for younger men to be attracted to older women and vice versa? Or older lesbians or bisexual women to be attracted to younger women and vice versa? Or older gay or bisexual men to be attracted to younger men and vice versa?

How about age gaps not mattering to anyone, no matter our gender? Then those older men can date younger women, and since everyone else is also ignoring age gaps, the playing field can be even?
 
That was my thought about the matter, but if he's uncomfortable dating me and refuses, there's not much I can do about it. It was really disappointing.
 
tenK said:
I imagine most people's issue is that they're not attracted to people of a different age/generation, no? Not to sound too shallow, but physical appearance means a lot to me in a potential match, and ON AVERAGE, I find myself mostly attracted to people around my own age.
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You do sound kind of shallow, and ageist, frankly.

I think young women start out dating guys a couple years older than them since, as teens, girls are more mature than boys, so dating a person exactly their age would be like dating a kid.

Then, later, economically it makes sense to date, and marry, a man with a few more years in the workforce under his belt, so she has income to support her as she births babies.

I think the reason large age gaps are comparatively rare is not so much a matter of societal pressure, but a natural consequence of physical attraction. That's not to say that there are no beautiful older people, but they do seem to be in high demand within their own age group - and rarely available. Then factor in that culturally you will always have more in common with your peers, and it all starts to make sense.
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Meh. I am more in demand from men under the age of 40, with libidos in good shape, then from men of my age group whose libido has left the building.
 
tenK said:
I imagine most people's issue is that they're not attracted to people of a different age/generation, no? Not to sound too shallow, but physical appearance means a lot to me in a potential match, and ON AVERAGE, I find myself mostly attracted to people around my own age. I think the reason large age gaps are comparatively rare is not so much a matter of societal pressure, but a natural consequence of physical attraction. That's not to say that there are no beautiful older people, but they do seem to be in high demand within their own age group - and rarely available. Then factor in that culturally you will always have more in common with your peers, and it all starts to make sense.
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But if you are not attracted there is no problem, now is there... I think people of all ages can be beautiful. I also have had a few older people interested in me, some of them are considered attractive by several people, and their experience and attitude is part of the attraction. I imagine that when my partners grow old I will still find them attractive. I sometimes think people ofte my own age can be boring, I mean the things we have in common are akward youth memories about the same stuff... I love that my boyfriend is much younger, and he says he prefers older women to women his age. He says he has discovered my trick in that I always take care of my body and that I will age well. In a way he acts older than me though, he listens to music from before I was born and is very family oriented.
 
Magdlyn said:
Meh. I am more in demand from men under the age of 40, with libidos in good shape, then from men of my age group whose libido has left the building.
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I am finding the above to be true and am recently more interested in those closer to my age after many years of dating significantly older. I am unlikely to respond to OKCers over early 50s years of age and will reply to interesting types my age or younger (which is a total departure from the norm ).
 
Of course I'm physically attracted to people younger than me. But I couldn't have a serious relationship with anyone younger than about 30-35. One of my friends is in a relationship with a 20 year old and she is lovely to look at and as sweet as can be. But she's 20. Regardless of how mature my friend sees her to be, when she is present it is like having a friend's teenage daughter with you. We have to be careful what we say and more than that, it's just a feeling that there is a child here thus we must protect her.

I've had older partners. I've personally found that it's wise to steer clear of people who habitually pursue partners who are significantly younger than them. It's usually because they are unable to communicate effectively with people in their age group.

Despite what I've said, I wouldn't totally rule anyone out until I had other evidence that we are incompatible.
 
I think there definitely is a stigma. The guy I dated who was 11 years younger was interested in me, but weirded out by the age difference. He didn't really want people to know about it. He mentioned not wanting to tell his parents about me because of it, because he thought they would freak out. I think society's expectations and how other people would react can totally be a reason not to date someone you're attracted to. Heck, I was weirded out too when I learned he was that young.

Some people don't care, and so they date because they feel like it and there is no problem. Some people do care and decide to avoid such a relationship, or it ends up preventing the relationship from evolving organically, or something. It's not just about attraction.
 
I have been with my gf 6 1/2 years. She is 22 years younger than me, and our relationship is great.

I also dated a man 2 years older than me for 2 1/2 years. I was well able to communicate with him, since we had a generation in common, remembered the revolutions of the 1960s and 70s, the music, etc.

Same as with my ex husband, who is also 2 years older than me. I didn't break up with these men because we were age peers lol.

My gf had me meet her parents the first year we were dating. For a while, they were under the impression we were good friends. They seemed to appreciate my gf had an older caring friend, since she does have physical disabilities and they know she needs help. Finally after we moved in together, 4 years into our relationship, her mom asked if we were friends, or "mates." And so miss pixi told her. I mean, she'd already seen me with my arm around miss p, calling her "baby," etc. But she just wanted to make sure, lol. Sweet lady.
 
MightyMax said:
Of course I'm physically attracted to people younger than me. But I couldn't have a serious relationship with anyone younger than about 30-35. One of my friends is in a relationship with a 20 year old and she is lovely to look at and as sweet as can be. But she's 20. Regardless of how mature my friend sees her to be, when she is present it is like having a friend's teenage daughter with you. We have to be careful what we say and more than that, it's just a feeling that there is a child here thus we must protect her.

I've had older partners. I've personally found that it's wise to steer clear of people who habitually pursue partners who are significantly younger than them. It's usually because they are unable to communicate effectively with people in their age group.

Despite what I've said, I wouldn't totally rule anyone out until I had other evidence that we are incompatible.
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Why not treat the 20 year old like an adult? You and your friends are not doing her any favors by treating her like an child. Protect her from what? I assume your friend is already fucking her? That's usually what 'adults' protect 'children' from - sexual knowledge. Yes, she's not going to have the maturity or experiences of a 40 year old. I'm not saying ignore the moments when she isn't fully mature. But she is still an adult and deserves to be treated as such. If she behaves childishly, well, she's being treated as one. Sadly, we sometimes behave like others treat us, how they expect us to be.

And, sometimes people date those much younger out of lacks in themselves. That happens. Or they are simply predatory.

I've thought a lot about if this is true in my case. I don't believe it is. I have dated much younger than myself as well as in a 'traditional' age range. I find that generally I have little in common with baby boomers and more in common with millennials. I've also noticed that my friends who are my age are hesitant about dating older because men in that age range have tended to be more entitled and rigid in their expectations and behaviors. Are there exceptions? Of course, but this has been their experiences and I've heard this from more than one friend. I have not had this experience - the lack of commonality generally ends things before getting to the point of running into entitlement issue.
 
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It's interesting seeing what people think about age differences and why or whether they matter.

As I said earlier in the thread, I prefer guys who are fairly close to my age. Even the "10 years older" thing that I said a few pages back, I'm finding doesn't work for me anymore. It's completely about perception and comfort level; I'm not comfortable with a guy who's much younger than I am because I feel creepy, and I'm not comfortable with a guy who's much older because I've had experiences where older guys acted like I was a child rather than an equal. (And I'm talking, in addition to the guy who was 20 years older than me, about guys who were 10-12 years older when I was in my late 30s.)

Even though "age is just a number," for me to feel like an equal to my partner, I need them to be near my age. That's just how it is. There's no logic to it, no rhyme or reason. Though with the younger guy thing, the fact that I have kids, and that I taught, including high school students, from the time I was in my mid-20s until about six years ago, probably contributes. Guys who are more than 6-7 years younger than me were young enough to be my *students* when I started teaching, and guys who are more than 12 years younger are closer to Country's age than mine, which just feels wrong to me.
 
MightyMax said:
Of course I'm physically attracted to people younger than me. But I couldn't have a serious relationship with anyone younger than about 30-35. One of my friends is in a relationship with a 20 year old and she is lovely to look at and as sweet as can be. But she's 20. Regardless of how mature my friend sees her to be, when she is present it is like having a friend's teenage daughter with you. We have to be careful what we say and more than that, it's just a feeling that there is a child here thus we must protect her.

I've had older partners. I've personally found that it's wise to steer clear of people who habitually pursue partners who are significantly younger than them. It's usually because they are unable to communicate effectively with people in their age group.

Despite what I've said, I wouldn't totally rule anyone out until I had other evidence that we are incompatible.
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As a 20-something who is involved with and who does a lot of community work with people significantly older than me, it really sucks when older people feel like they need to protect me or treat me differently because of my age. Different people mature at different times and levels. Before he knew my actual age, the man that rejected me thought I was somewhere in my mid-30s. It's incredibly patronizing and condescending to treat younger people as if they are children or as if they can't possibly function around older adults.
 
I spent the day yesterday with a friend of mine (not poly) at her company's annual summer picnic. Whenever we get together, she gripes about not having a relationship, not knowing where to meet men to date, etc. Before we went to the picnic, she complained that she expected there would mostly be younger guys there, and families. She is 53 and always refers to herself as "middle-aged," which bugs the hell out of me. I'm a couple years older than she, and never think of myself as middle-aged.

My friend always looks for activities that are designed for middle-aged people (like at Meetup.com or other resources in the city), yet complains when she goes to something and it's boring or full of women. She told me yesterday that she sometimes wishes she were 10 years younger because whenever she is in a situation where she hopes to meet someone, the guys are all in their 40s - as if that makes them completely off-limits! She scans a crowd for "men with grey hair" - seriously, that's what she looks for! - and then bitches when they're wearing a wedding ring or accompanied by a woman.

She asked me where I think there would be "available middle-aged men," as she put it, and then told me she dreams of promoting a particular weeknight as a designated night for people over 50 to meet and mingle, the way Thursday nights in this city have become the big night out for people in their 20s and 30s who like to party. She has good ideas about having ice-breakers and holding these get-togethers in certain venues, so I told her she should organize it. However, I also said that if she advertises it as an event for people over 50 or in their 50s, all the guys that show up will be in their 60s and 70s and older because everyone wants to say they're younger.

She conceded and said, "Okay, I'll make it for people over 45." I said, "Why not over 40?" I could see doubt and skepticism flicker in her eyes. She is so certain that no guys in their 40s would be interested in her. I said, "You're only 53, no one would know you're not in your 40s." I told her I never think of myself as middle-aged, as achy as my body often is. I certainly don't limit myself to only looking for gray-haired men! I just don't think of myself as old and sometimes I have to remind myself just how old I am. I was weirded out a little, a few years ago, when I first started dating a man who was 17 years younger than I, but we got along so well that after a while it wasn't weird anymore. In retrospect, more than anything else, I think my being weirded out by it had to do with the new experience of being desired, not only by someone so much younger, but by anyone at all, and basically actively dating for the first time in a very long time, after my separation from my ex-husband.

I met a man recently at someone's wedding and we've been in touch ever since (he lives far away). There is definitely a mutual attraction between us, and a nice connection. I didn't even wonder how old he was, as it didn't matter to me. I didn't realize until after a few conversations that he's 15 years younger than I. I didn't tell him my age, and he was too polite to ask, but I hope the gap in our ages won't bother him. I really like him. Now, certainly, I can also relate to guys my age and older - one guy I go out with occasionally is probably in his late 60s, and I am currently crushing on someone whom I know is only a few months younger than I am. It usually happens that the older guys that turn me on are very youthful and hip, while the younger guys who turn me on are mature and very smart "old souls." I don't write off younger men as potential dates unless the age gap is so huge that we can't relate to each other on anything. I think that is the crux of it - can you relate to each other? If so, why should age be relevant?

Now, my friend who has this thing about being middle-aged has really narrowed the dating pool for herself by not even considering guys just a few years younger than she is. So, her love life is uneventful and all she can do is complain and wonder where all the men are. I'm hoping I can help her turn that attitude around.
 
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MusicalRose said:
As a 20-something who is involved with and who does a lot of community work with people significantly older than me, it really sucks when older people feel like they need to protect me or treat me differently because of my age. Different people mature at different times and levels. Before he knew my actual age, the man that rejected me thought I was somewhere in my mid-30s. It's incredibly patronizing and condescending to treat younger people as if they are children or as if they can't possibly function around older adults.
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I can appreciate this. However, it's very difficult to change the way you feel about someone. I guess that if there isn't constant reminders of the person's age (there is with my friend's partner) it's somewhat easier. She acts 20 though. At least, in our eyes. It's also difficult because we have friends with children that are a similar age.
 
I sometimes feel that 18-20-year olds are silly even if they are tecnically grow up. They have recently moved away from home, they think going to IKEA to buy their first furniture is exiting, they enjoy going out to drink on a Tuesday night. They think their opinions are original when it is very obvious. Some people at 20 act like they are 15 with a lot of constantly giggling etc.

However, when my more than adult cousin started to date a 17-year old I was surprised to see how calm and composed she was. She already had her education and career plans. She managed the skill of knowing him, even teasing him about his flaws, without offending him. She is beautiful yet makes everyone like her because she is caring. It was obvious to everyone that she is a keeper. After ten years they are now buying a house and getting married. All this time she seemed more mature than him. He has always been a bit vounerable but it is amazing how safe he feels with her.
 
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