All DOWN in my feels today...

S

Sunshine79

Member
This isn't a "seeking advice" post so much as a wallowing in self-pity post.

My husband recently (a month ago?) started dating a new partner, and this is the first woman in a LONG time he has fully caught feels for. I know the NRE is super strong. I truly don't feel like our marriage/relationship is at all threatened by her.

But god almighty if I can't shake this deep deep low that creeps on me from time to time. I'm not currently seeing ANYONE with any regularity, so that is part of it. There's an imbalance of that extra attention we both enjoy.

Another aspect is that I tend to only date out of town, so daytime meetups and spontaneous "stop by and fuck on my way to work" has literally never been a thing for me. And it is totally a thing for him right now. Plus, she's much younger, pretty widely available, very chill about the married part for him, open-minded, and WAAY into him.

In the last 18 months or so, I've been on a dozen meh first dates. And I just really haven't had a man be super into me for a long time. It's weird and hard watching him HAVE that and also put that into someone else. (It'd not because I want it from him. I really want the same thing from someone else. And I've almost given up expecting it.)

I hate this feeling.
 
Ooof, that sounds really rough. It's so damn hard finding someone who you spark with, and then to be witnessing his spark...I can see how it's getting to you and I hope you can surround yourself with positive things while you're having to live with him being high/drunk on NRE all the damn time right now. Dare I say, this too shall pass; I embrace that mantra when things get a bit much. I'm glad you have found our corner of the web and can vent here.
 
Sunshine79 said:
This isn't a "seeking advice" post so much as a wallowing in self-pity post.

My husband recently (a month?) started dating a new partner and this is the first woman in a LONG time he has fully caught feels for. I know the NRE is super strong. And I truly don't feel like my marriage nor our relationship is at all threatened by her.

But godalmighty if I can't shake this deep deep low that creeps on from time to time. I'm not currently seeing ANYONE with any regularity, so that is part of it. There's an imbalance of that extra-attention we both enjoy. And another aspect is that I tend to only date out of town, so daytime meetups and spontaneous "stop by and fuck on my way to work" has literally never been a thing for me. And it is totally a thing for him right now.

Plus. She's much younger, pretty widely available, very chill about the married part for him and open-minded, and WAAY into him. In the last 18 months or so, I've been on a dozen meh first dates. And I just really haven't had a man be super into me in a long time. It's weird and hard watching him HAVE that and also put that into someone else. (Not because I want it from him. I really want the same thing from someone else. And I've almost given up expecting it.)

I hate this feeling.
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I can relate to this more so due to a triad relationship not working out so now it’s a V and I am not even interested right now in dating someone else but I want to be just for some kind “balance”.
 
Hello Sunshine79,

Sounds like you're having some bad luck in the dating area, both in terms of your dates (meh first dates), and in terms of your husband's dates (NRE, they're way into each other). It's not surprising that this turn of affairs would feel weird and depressing to you. I hope your luck improves soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Sunshine79 said:
My husband recently (a month ago?) started dating a new partner, and this is the first woman in a LONG time he has fully caught feels for. I know the NRE is super strong. I truly don't feel like our marriage/relationship is at all threatened by her.

But god almighty if I can't shake this deep deep low that creeps on me from time to time. I'm not currently seeing ANYONE with any regularity, so that is part of it. There's an imbalance of that extra attention we both enjoy.

Another aspect is that I tend to only date out of town, so daytime meetups and spontaneous "stop by and fuck on my way to work" has literally never been a thing for me. And it is totally a thing for him right now. Plus, she's much younger, pretty widely available, very chill about the married part for him, open-minded, and WAAY into him.

In the last 18 months or so, I've been on a dozen meh first dates. And I just really haven't had a man be super into me for a long time. It's weird and hard watching him HAVE that and also put that into someone else. (It'd not because I want it from him. I really want the same thing from someone else. And I've almost given up expecting it.)
Click to expand...
I can relate in many ways. I'd been on the dating scene from 2009 to 2020 and while I very luckily met my gf right at the beginning, I didn't find an actual real bf until 2021. Oh, I'd had one bf that seemed to be great, who turned out to be a narcissist after about 16 months in. I had a couple older guys (my age) who were okay, and they were crazy about me, but I just kinda liked them. I had a couple other awesome guys who went through drastic life changes and could no longer be with me, etc.

And like you, I spoke to so many guys on dating sites, wading through the chaff, attempting first dates for about every 50 conversations. And most of those first dates were one and done, or there might be three dates and then, nope, not gonna work. I did get jaded, I got tired, I got fed up, especially as I was getting too many guys who just wanted to check off screwing an older woman from their sex bucket list. Obviously I am not a fetish; I am a whole human being.

So yeah, about 6 months before the pandemic began, I just stopped trying. I was happy with my gf. She had (has) great bf too. I had compersion for them. I decided I was lucky enough to have found her (after my divorce). I quit going on dating sites. I just kept going to Fetlife every other week or so just to look around at pictures and read about topics that interested me.

Yes, it was depressing sometimes, but I tried to get over it. I was more pissed off than anything else.

Some time in late 2019, a guy started chatting me on FL as a friend. He was mono and in a relationship. His gf, whom he deeply loved, was chronically ill. We just talked about whatever. He lived in my city. He was sweet, entertaining, a good listener, and I enjoyed his company, but I didn't even think about dating him. We were in full-on pandemic mode, and no one knew what was going to happen. Plus, he was in a mono relationship.

Sadly, in 2021, his gf passed from her illness, which I hadn't realized was the prognosis. He took such good care of her in her final months. I was really impressed by that.

Right around that time, I found out he'd felt polyamorous at heart all his life, but never knew it was really an option. And vaccines were becoming available. After about two years of talking as friends, we met. He lived two miles away. He was fine with me having a long-term partner, and he wanted to be in an open poly relationship. We clicked, and the rest is history.

My moral is, it's okay to just give up on dating. It can feel freeing. You can enjoy life, get out, do your hobbies, go to conventions, explore the world. I found someone when I had completely stopped looking. He's the real thing. We've spent almost every weekend together since October 2021.
 
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