WonderWoman81
New member
Hello,
I'm new to the forum and polyamory. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have been monogamous the entire time. Over the years, as it happens in many marriages, my libido has dropped with having two kids, full time job, medication interactions, etc. My husband's could go all day everyday. As much as we do have sex, it just isn't enough for him, and I'm exhausted.
Well, our best friend of 10 years recently divorced her emotionally and verbally abusive husband. She was married to him for 8 years, but they have not had sex of any kind for the past 4 years! Now that he is out of the picture, she is not ready for any type of committed relationship, she has a lot of damage to undo from his abuse. However, she really wanted to have sex again.
The other thing to understand here is I have had quite a few relationships and lovers prior to meeting my husband. I was my husband's first lover and girlfriend. My friend had also only had one lover and relationship, with her now ex-husband.
So, the three of us had a very open discussion. This seemed like a mutually beneficial situation for all of us. She could begin to become a sexual being again with someone that she knows very well, that she trusts, and that is not going to want a fully committed monogamous relationship with her, since he has no intention of leaving me. He could be satisfied sexually in a way that I cannot provide (I love sex, but I also really love sleep)! They could both "sow their wild oats" that they didn't do when they were younger. And by him spending intimate time with her in this situation, the key is to communicate a lot. This satisfies my need for more communication and more non-sexual affection from him which has been lacking in our marriage.
They both told me they only wanted a purely sexual relationship with each other. I told them that will not happen, feelings will develop, and that when they do they should embrace them, that it's natural and ok, and when it happens we should talk about.
The first month went wonderfully! Most of the time it's the two of them alone. Occasionally, I would join in, but I loved to watch more than participate. They would have date nights alone, and so would my husband and I. Just really going well!
I had some insecurities, I expressed them to him and he understood. Then, I began to have more, so I communicated, but he interpreted them as jealousy. They aren't, they are more comparisons I've made, which I really need to work through.
My problem that I'm hung up on right now, is I don't think I am as good in bed as she is. They will go for 2 to 3 hours, with breaks. For me, 30 minutes is a long time. He has told me she is more adventurous sexually than I am. That was a hit to my ego, because I thought I was pretty adventurous. I've loved having them both tell me details of their times together, but I'm wondering if that is a good idea anymore? I've also stopped participating for mainly the same reasons.
What also is happening is my friend is developing romantic feelings for my husband much faster than he is for her. She is venting to me about it, I'm trying to be there for her, but also I'm telling her she needs to talk face to face with him to resolve this, but is not doing so. I'm not sure how else to tell her to please talk to him about this, any advice on that? He has expressed concern about this as well. I told them both "I told you so" but also reiterated that they should not deny these developing feelings but embrace them. I know and trust neither of them will hurt me, but they need to figure this out.
So yeah, loooong post. It's at least good to get this all out. If you took the time to read this novel, thanks! Any advice would be appreciate!
I'm new to the forum and polyamory. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have been monogamous the entire time. Over the years, as it happens in many marriages, my libido has dropped with having two kids, full time job, medication interactions, etc. My husband's could go all day everyday. As much as we do have sex, it just isn't enough for him, and I'm exhausted.
Well, our best friend of 10 years recently divorced her emotionally and verbally abusive husband. She was married to him for 8 years, but they have not had sex of any kind for the past 4 years! Now that he is out of the picture, she is not ready for any type of committed relationship, she has a lot of damage to undo from his abuse. However, she really wanted to have sex again.
The other thing to understand here is I have had quite a few relationships and lovers prior to meeting my husband. I was my husband's first lover and girlfriend. My friend had also only had one lover and relationship, with her now ex-husband.
So, the three of us had a very open discussion. This seemed like a mutually beneficial situation for all of us. She could begin to become a sexual being again with someone that she knows very well, that she trusts, and that is not going to want a fully committed monogamous relationship with her, since he has no intention of leaving me. He could be satisfied sexually in a way that I cannot provide (I love sex, but I also really love sleep)! They could both "sow their wild oats" that they didn't do when they were younger. And by him spending intimate time with her in this situation, the key is to communicate a lot. This satisfies my need for more communication and more non-sexual affection from him which has been lacking in our marriage.
They both told me they only wanted a purely sexual relationship with each other. I told them that will not happen, feelings will develop, and that when they do they should embrace them, that it's natural and ok, and when it happens we should talk about.
The first month went wonderfully! Most of the time it's the two of them alone. Occasionally, I would join in, but I loved to watch more than participate. They would have date nights alone, and so would my husband and I. Just really going well!
I had some insecurities, I expressed them to him and he understood. Then, I began to have more, so I communicated, but he interpreted them as jealousy. They aren't, they are more comparisons I've made, which I really need to work through.
My problem that I'm hung up on right now, is I don't think I am as good in bed as she is. They will go for 2 to 3 hours, with breaks. For me, 30 minutes is a long time. He has told me she is more adventurous sexually than I am. That was a hit to my ego, because I thought I was pretty adventurous. I've loved having them both tell me details of their times together, but I'm wondering if that is a good idea anymore? I've also stopped participating for mainly the same reasons.
What also is happening is my friend is developing romantic feelings for my husband much faster than he is for her. She is venting to me about it, I'm trying to be there for her, but also I'm telling her she needs to talk face to face with him to resolve this, but is not doing so. I'm not sure how else to tell her to please talk to him about this, any advice on that? He has expressed concern about this as well. I told them both "I told you so" but also reiterated that they should not deny these developing feelings but embrace them. I know and trust neither of them will hurt me, but they need to figure this out.
So yeah, loooong post. It's at least good to get this all out. If you took the time to read this novel, thanks! Any advice would be appreciate!
