Alot of pressure. Post divorce. Need advice.

Hela

Hela

New member
I need some honest, open minded opinions about this particular issue that's come up and I feel like this is the only place I can get it without harsh judgement on my partner.

So, Loki and I met in late may. When we met, he had a lot of trouble dealing with my poly nature with my husband. During this time was when my relationship with my husband was quickly evaporating pretty much to dust. My husband was horribly manipulative and verbally abusive.

Once he and I split, I became solely devoted to Loki. He provided everything I wanted in a partner. His talk of only wanting me was something I hadn't heard in about 10 years.

During all this, our kinks and such were discussed. I felt I understood his needs. Swinging was pretty much going to be our answer to the needs that he or I couldn't fulfill for one another. I knew this and I was open.

This past week hes brought it up again and weve discussed that as well as our hangups in said dynamic. My exhusband severely hurt my trust in general and I knew I was going to need a certain foundation in order to go forth. He confessed to me that he knew if we cant explore what he wants to explore, he will get bored with me.

Then today while messing around, he couldn't keep it up. I didn't respond to the porn he had playing the way he wanted and he questioned why I get quiet. Then discussion about the way I upkeep myself was brought up. He said he feels like I'm a different person than when we met. Asked why I don't dress up or make myself up like I did. Stated that he feels like I've shut off a part of myself since my divorce. That he doesnt want to get too comfortable because "that's when he wanders"

After our discussion, I went off and made myself up and dressed up. Which did not illicit the reaction I was wanting. At that point, he wasnt really in the mood. I just feel like I'm not enough now and I don't know how to be. It's not like I don't want to dress for him. For myself. To make myself feel good every day. But I've been working 2 jobs and I'm tired. My exhusband tore my confidence apart, and Loki was the one that swore he'd never make me feel disrespected or not enough.

I dont want to villainize him for this, it's just a lot of pressure for me right now and I dont know what to do to stay true to myself but also make him happy.
 
Oh crap. He sounds like a NRE addict. He doesn't love you for you... he's being kinda nasty.

My last bf kinda did that to me. All hot and bothered for me at first, then around 7 months in, his sexual response for me waned, and, he started hitting on my girlfriend! And even touching her without her consent.

Yuck.

I broke up with him. I am thinking Loki isn't treating you well either. You deserve better. You just got out of one bad relationship. Don't settle for another one.
 
I agree with Mags....
 
Maybe this has been a bad week for one or both of you.

Maybe he can't cope with the fallout emotional or financial, of your divorce.

In any case he does seem to be giving you warnings this week that he is not sure about the future of this relationship.

The two of you need to keep talking about the current situation and whether what you need from a relationship is something he can offer. You are in a vulnerable position and maybe you just want what he offered you in the beginning. He sounds like he wants to change the deal but is not sitting down with you to discuss it. Perhaps there has not been time?

I don't think you should add "making him happy" to your pile of burdens. I think your main job right now is taking care of yourself and making YOU happy. If he adds to your stress more than he relieves then maybe this is not the best time to be in a relationship with him.

Leetah
 
My exhusband severely hurt my trust in general and I knew I was going to need a certain foundation in order to go forth. He confessed to me that he knew if we cant explore what he wants to explore, he will get bored with me.
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Fair enough. He does not meet your needs/standards if he cannot provide that foundation. And he gets bored if he's not exploring whatever and you don't have the energy for that right now. So you don't meet his needs either.

Not compatible any more. Went down different roads. You don't have to keep Loki as a BF, you know. It's ok to let that end too. Start over from scratch.

Honestly? If he's turning out to be more "fair weather BF" rather than a "through thick and thin BF" -- be ok with that. And then let him go WITHOUT making it be like you are not enough or something. You are plenty enough.

Then today while messing around, he couldn't keep it up. I didn't respond to the porn he had playing the way he wanted and he questioned why I get quiet. Then discussion about the way I upkeep myself was brought up. He said he feels like I'm a different person than when we met. Asked why I don't dress up or make myself up like I did. Stated that he feels like I've shut off a part of myself since my divorce. That he doesnt want to get too comfortable because "that's when he wanders"
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You JUST got divorced and need time to heal and recover. What does he THINK post-divorce is? Even if divorce is wanted, it is a time of grief and changes. Add that your husband was toxic, you have extra healing to do. You also work 2 jobs and are tired.

And then you ALSO have to doll up and play out whatever Loki sex fantasy thing he's got mapped out? And he's gonna pick at you because you don't get it "right?"

It sounds like too much work to me to date this guy in your present condition.

I just feel like I'm not enough now and I don't know how to be.
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Enough for WHO? Aren't you enough for you? :confused: You are doing your best. That is all you can do.

Your broken leg best is different than your healthy best, right? You change the expectations. You might run around healthy best. Not so much broken leg best. That is OK!

If you are doing your post-divroce best? That's ALL you can do. And that is more than enough and ok at this time!

Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself right now? Or realistic ones?

My exhusband tore my confidence apart, and Loki was the one that swore he'd never make me feel disrespected or not enough.
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And Loki is not keeping agreements, is he?

I dont want to villainize him for this, it's just a lot of pressure for me right now and I dont know what to do to stay true to myself but also make him happy.
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Don't have to make him a villain. COULD accept it's not compatible any more though.

Could make YOU happy by staying true to yourself. If what you need right now is no/low pressure and plenty of healing time? Make it so. Stop hanging out with people who bring your stress. Sounds like Loki is one of those people.

If he's (taking away from the quality of your healing time) rather than (adding to the quality it)? Be ok not being with him right now. Maybe you split for now and get back together later. Maybe you split for good.

Could accept it is NOT your job to make him happy. He can make his own self happy.

Your job is to make YOU happy. And if it makes you unhappy to keep hanging around with him when he behaves like that? You can choose to stop hanging around with him. Reduce your load.

Can't leap to "yay! I'm all happy now!" right away post divorce. But you CAN try reduce the number of drains and pressures on you. Including letting an incompatible BF go.

Galagirl
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In all types of non-monogamy (ethical and otherwise), non-nesting/primary relationships can have a "shiny" quality that it is difficult to uphold in nesting/primary relationships. We've all heard of affairs that have become legitimate relationships only for the people to find that they don't like having to wash their socks and put up with their bad habits. To me, it sounds like Loki had someone who could "date" them outside of their ordinary life when they had a "secondary" relationship but now you don't have a marriage, the reality of being your full-time partner is less exciting than it sounded.

I don't think this means he is a bad person, it's a reality of trying to upgrade a relationship. The new version may not work as well as the old one.

Don't be compelled to start calling him names or applying diagnoses and labels because things haven't worked out as you would have liked at this point.

Agreeing to not trigger your self esteem issues was unwise on his part - it would be like agreeing to not annoy an angry, violent husband. He has bigger issues that cannot be solved by me tiptoeing carefully around him, it's something he has to work on himself.

My suggestion is that you keep Loki to someone you see once a week - when you can treat it like a date, shave your legs, dress up etc. That seems to work for you guys. In the meantime, work on yourself and in the future, consider another primary/nesting relationship.
 
Hi Hela,

I don't mean to pass harsh judgment on Loki, but you have to admit, he is putting a lot of pressure on you. Sure there are ways you could be enough, you could cook his favorite dinner, you could bring him tea and slippers and a warm blanket. And you could dress up and make yourself up on a regular basis, you could respond the right way to the porn he plays, and you could always be talkative around him. But that isn't staying true to yourself, that's just making him happy. And maybe he's not the bad guy, maybe the two of you have just come up against some incompatibility. So at the least I would suggest getting together less often, like SEASONEDpolyAgain was saying, or doing a temporary breakup like GalaGirl was saying, and maybe it would turn into a permanent breakup but that's not necessarily bad in the long run. You are reeling from the shock of a divorce, and are working two jobs. You need a break, some kind of a break.

Of course you could also have a talk with Loki, explaining to him how you're feeling like not enough, and that you're struggling with all the pressure. Perhaps he would see that he needs to do some nice things for you. Maybe he needs to be enough for you!

If you do break up, I hope you can do so amicably.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
UPDATE:

So, an important part of this situation is some of my own ongoing issues regarding alcohol. While, I still have some hangups with Lokis stance on some things, I also have not been myself in the least lately. Following this argument, I did my usual coping and drank quite a bit after work and went and saw a friend. Afterwards, I drove home and, to be honest, I dont particularly remember about half of it. I do remember bits and pieces, including projectile vomitting all over our living room.

Loki had been slowly discovering the extent of my alcohol dependence, leading up to this argument and it all culminated this night.

All that being said, my lack of taking care of myself is due, not only to the two jobs, but my own irresponsible consumption of alcohol. It's most definitely the central point of a lot of my issues, including the insecurity. I have little to no doubt that the majority of my hangups will be cleared up once I am sober, as I am incredibly insecure and emotional while drinking and I have also gained 50lbs since I've started regularly. I am most definitely not myself right now. Physically or mentally. And all this is displayed in the way I present myself as well.

As I said, I still have some hangups with some of what Loki has said. Opening our relationship to swinging so quickly being part of it, however, deep in my heart I want a relationship in which I can share a dynamic like that with my partner. I, however, know I am nowhere near mentally ready for that in this state.

As far as seeing each other less goes, that's no necessarily possible right now because we currently live together. However, it was brought up in the conversation following my drunken state the next day that living together may not be the best thing. At this point, were just going to ride it out for now, as today is my second day being sober and I start AA tomorrow.
 
Sorry for your troubles hon. This post had to be hard to write. But without that kind of brutal self-assessment we are lost.

By far, your most important problem is not relationships but self-knowledge and healing.

One day without drinking is way more important than who, what, how, and why. I have racked up almost 30 years doing one day at a time.

I went to AA, but didn't do a 12-step. I didn't drink every day or even twice in a week, but we are a grave danger to others driving drunk. So it was best to just not drink. When I heard "don't take the first drink", that sounded simple enough and it has worked for me since the day I heard it.

I did find it extremely valuable to go though. Because I saw what alcohol did to people who were radio talk show hosts, big shot car dealers, politicians, and stepford wives when alcohol took over their lives. It destroyed them.

So good on you for addressing this. Good luck.
 
Hi Hela,

Thanks for that update, that does clarify things a little. Alcohol issues are a tough nut to crack, I sympathize with you for the challenge that you are faced with. I see now why you haven't been yourself as much lately, hopefully the AA will help you do better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more details.


As I said, I still have some hangups with some of what Loki has said. Opening our relationship to swinging so quickly being part of it, however, deep in my heart I want a relationship in which I can share a dynamic like that with my partner. I, however, know I am nowhere near mentally ready for that in this state.
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You could tell him that. If he's ready to go there and you are not? Then this might be another incompatibility and it may be best to not date each other right now.

As far as seeing each other less goes, that's no necessarily possible right now because we currently live together. However, it was brought up in the conversation following my drunken state the next day that living together may not be the best thing.
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That does add complications. Did you move into his place post divorce? If you were to rent, could you move out soon? Have your own space? Or look for a more "neutral" roomie than someone you are also dating?

At this point, were just going to ride it out for now, as today is my second day being sober and I start AA tomorrow.
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I'm glad you are addressing that and seeking help for the alcohol problem.

Even if that is getting solved... I'm not sure that makes you and Loki any more compatible at this time. You may have to think about having your own home that you don't share with Loki for a while as you heal from the divorce, the drinking, etc. Like a roomie is fine, but he cannot be the roomie.

If you DO date someone during this time, maybe less complex dating than also starting swinging right now. The type of dating Loki wants to do you are not ready for. So... not Loki.

I encourage you to keep going and try to reduce some of your loads. I can imagine it is not easy right now.

Maybe you guys get back together once you are past this point or maybe you don't. But don't ADD to your loads overdoing things. YKWIM?

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Thank you for more details.




You could tell him that. If he's ready to go there and you are not? Then this might be another incompatibility and it may be best to not date each other right now.



That does add complications. Did you move into his place post divorce? If you were to rent, could you move out soon? Have your own space? Or look for a more "neutral" roomie than someone you are also dating?



I'm glad you are addressing that and seeking help for the alcohol problem.

Even if that is getting solved... I'm not sure that makes you and Loki any more compatible at this time. You may have to think about having your own home that you don't share with Loki for a while as you heal from the divorce, the drinking, etc. Like a roomie is fine, but he cannot be the roomie.

If you DO date someone during this time, maybe less complex dating than also starting swinging right now. The type of dating Loki wants to do you are not ready for. So... not Loki.

I encourage you to keep going and try to reduce some of your loads. I can imagine it is not easy right now.

Maybe you guys get back together once you are past this point or maybe you don't. But don't ADD to your loads overdoing things. YKWIM?

Hang in there.
Galagirl
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To answer your question about the living situation: no, he moved into the house I'm renting after my husband left to help me with the bills while I try to bide some time and save more money.
 
Is Loki also on the lease? Or just you? Or you and ex husband?

I get the need to save money. Just wondering if maybe it's better for your mental health to carry the house yourself and ask Loki to move out?

It sounds hard.

Galagirl
 
Hela said:
..I start AA tomorrow.
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This is great to hear. Mono, poly, swing or celibate, relationships always go south when addiction is involved. AA is a wonderful community and the slogan really holds up: It works if you work it. Besides the depth and breadth of the AA program, Sober Recovery is a great online forum for 24/7 support from people who have been and are where you are. Much as we are for poly, that forum is a solid, committed core of regular posters who really know their stuff.
 
GalaGirl said:
Is Loki also on the lease? Or just you? Or you and ex husband?

I get the need to save money. Just wondering if maybe it's better for your mental health to carry the house yourself and ask Loki to move out?

It sounds hard.

Galagirl
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Technically we havent signed another lease yet (mine and my exs was up in december) and they've been trying to sell the house so they won't let us sign a long term lease. Weve been having to wait and see what the new owners plan is.

As far as carrying the house on my own- I'm already struggling to pay what I have to pay now. Normal bills along with divorce lawyer, tax debt, and some legal fines. Theres absolutely no way I could do it by myself. I'm already struggling to work enough as it is.

Finding another roommate is also not really an option because I have no one that 1.) Would be able to stay in the additional room. It will barely fit a bed. Or 2.) Even needs a place to begin with or 3.) That I trust to pay what's expected.

I COULD, however, afford an apartment by myself. But in order to do that I actually have to get there. Which I need to at least save up another $1k for.

I have some equipment I'm currently trying to sell and I have a strict budget with my second job as far as savings go.

That's really what I have figured out so far.
 
I COULD, however, afford an apartment by myself. But in order to do that I actually have to get there. Which I need to at least save up another $1k for.

I have some equipment I'm currently trying to sell and I have a strict budget with my second job as far as savings go.

That's really what I have figured out so far.
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It's good that you can hold a flat on your own if you can secure another $1K. That might be the best way to go.

Galagirl
 
Hela,

I am sorry for your divorce and everything you are going through. I am going through a divorce and a breakup myself and it is really tough.

I share a lot of the opinions of the other people who have commented. Some thoughts that I have on your struggles with Loki:
Maybe I am being judgemental but when I hear some guy comment in such a way a woman's appearance it just makes me choke on my puke a little, especially after it is kind of because of not fulfilling his immediate sexual needs.
Did he ever ask you how you felt, is he supportive through your struggles emotionally? Did he ever address your alcohol problem in a concerned way? In a way that shows you that he really cares about you and what you are going through and wants to support you and not in a way, which shows his annoyance by your problem?
I hope he did because you sound like you know what you are doing, you are struggling a lot obviously but the way you articulate your "escape plan" out of this fucked up situation is super super admirable. Seriously.
If he is just there demanding things from you, really, he is just on the way of your recovery. You sound like you know the steps to achieve it and I really really cheer for you through that.

Take good care!
 
Hi Hela, I'm not sure you'll be back to this thread. You didn't respond to the last person.

I know you're busy trying to save money, sell some belongings, work 2 jobs, overcome your alcohol dependency, recover from the divorce emotionally and financially, and probably other stresses as well.

Now this relationship with Loki, who seemed so masterful (according to your blog), is also changing. He's a cross dresser and (according to your sig), a "sis?" A sissy?

Is he now expecting you to watch CD porn and get turned on about it with him? Is he threatening to find another woman who is into sissy cross dressers ("wandering")? Does he want you to wear sexy fetish type clothes too? Maybe Domme him when he's in his sissy CD mode? What happened to your Dom? Is he worried he's "too old" to change from a male Dom to a person who wants to be femme and perhaps a bottom, quite often?

Well, that's a lot of issues he's having around his sexual identity. If you're struggling just to concentrate on work, make money, kick the booze, and you're worried about finances, it doesn't seem he's all that great of a partner for you right now. Transitioning is hard work. You might not have the emotional resources to deal with helping him find where and how he wants to sexually identify.
 
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