Also new to poly

M

marianna

New member
I'm very new to poly, in a quad, and the newest on the scene. The first month or so was awesome. Real life kicked in after that, and basically the "shine" wore off. I find that I'm envious, feeling a bit taken for granted, and like I'm waiting around for whatever time is left over for me. I'm honestly not liking those parts so much. In addition, due to schedules and distance, I haven't been able to build the relationships that I would like to try to build with numbers 1 and 2. I think that would really help. Again, the problem is with schedules and other external factors.

Any insight would be helpful, because I find my moods are just running me over. I go from being at peace, happy and understanding to questioning everything, every word, etc. I'm certainly willing to give it more time for equilibrium to settle, and there are other extenuating circumstances that no one has control over that are strongly influencing the time thing. I feel like I'm trying to navigate in the dark at the moment.

1. How to exactly figure out what my feelings are, since they change so much?
2. How to deal with them once I figure out what they are? Some of them are completely internal to me, and I have to manage them myself. (My baggage, all the crap that no outside soothing will help. I know this from experience and I am ready to tackle it.) But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts.

Any suggestions? Insight?

Thanks,
Mari
 
In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you're feeling envious, taken for granted or whatnot is to be honest with all of your partners about it, even if you don't know why you're feeling it. That way you can explore why you're feeling it and possibly come up with some resolutions.

As for the moods and feelings being all over the map, I can relate. That happens with me a lot. The best solution that I've come up with is to write things down and try to figure out what's happened to cause me to feel negatively about something. A lot of the time, I write on forums where I can get feedback, but sometimes I do it privately, too. If I write things down, I can much more easily look back over time and see what's been bothering me, rather than trying to figure it out when I feel negatively one day, and positively the next. I find what works for me is a combination of introspective writing, getting feedback from supportive people outside of my relationships, and from my partners, too.
 
Talk to them. That seems to be the number one piece of advice I've gotten so far. Do some thinking, figure out what you want, and then communicate it.

Do you want more time with Number 1 and Number 2? Would you like to go on more dates with each partner? Would you like more expressions of affection? How would you like that to manifest?

My quad talks so much that sometimes I feel like we do nothing else. :p
 
I can relate. It takes a lot of talking. It's all new to you, it sounds like. It will most likely settle with time. It all has to be gone through, and then everything settles into a routine, and life goes on, at least in my experience.
 
Specifically with respect to the quote: "But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts," you are not alone in feeling the agony of seesawing feelings. (Nicely put, by the way!) My emotional swings were almost like a physical assault that I could not push aside.

Was this what I wanted?
OMG, this is incredible!
Jeezus, am I going to hurt her?
She's going to hurt me!
I love this so much!

The one emotion that never wavered was just how much I loved her. Eventually, through much communication, I decided to give myself completely to our relationship. This involved oblivious trust, which I have never given before. I opened my heart and soul to receive as much of her as she can give, and to give her as much in return. We are completely vulnerable to each other, and are completely confident in the strength of our trust, compassion and love for each other.

In short, mood swings are normal, expected and should be discussed as soon as possible, if the issue can be identified, that is. Sometimes it's just a feeling. I know.
 
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Marianna, you sound just like the third person we recently brought into our group. She has described all the feelings you have. The emotional fluctuations back and forth seem to be what is most worrisome to her. (It doesn't help that she's also having mood swings from going through menopause, also!)

As Mono said, just keep talking, talking, talking. That seems to be the only thing that really helps my newest partner.
 
Silly question. I'm all about the communication. But I'm so bad at it. I guess I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I know the others have more pressing needs at this time and I get that in my head. It's the internal self-talk that is really not helping. Also, I think I'm trying to ask questions and not able to formulate my thoughts well as "I statements." Every time I ask, "Is everything okay?" I hear it is, and that I need to relax, have fun, and just "be." (Not the easiest thing for an analytical person to do.)

I'm working on it. That's why I'm here, to learn, to ask questions.

I miss the "shiny." It was like a switch flipped and now it's sort of routine. It happened way quick. I felt like I had turned him off, quite honestly. But I'm going to practice being uncomfy in my skin. When I say that, I mean I'll just allow myself to be, bring myself back to that energy when my mind starts overthinking.

I do need to think about what I need... Time with the other women is a big thing. I feel excluded otherwise, and then it's just separate relationships. I'd love to form an emotional bond with her. That would make me feel so much better. It would make it easier for me to breathe, I think.

Thank you all for your input. Please keep it coming. What I've gleaned so far is that I'm normal. Go figure! :)

Mari
 
I'm having a rough day. Being in a quad sucks right now. Not only do I feel excluded, I feel ignored, lonely, hurt, and and really pissed off.
 
Mari, hang in there. We are only three, so there seems to be someone who is always left out, too. We're still wrestling with how to handle all of this. My wife says this transitional period needs to proceed slowly. That seems difficult for me to grasp, as we've been going about 55 mph and now we're throttling everything back to 25 mph.
 
Mari, me too. Probably not for the same reasons, but it's tough for me right now. PM me if you just want to kvetch.
 
Yes, exactly, down to 25 mph. I could blame his work, but I don't want to be rational at the moment

I had a lousy day at work. I needed someone to tell me that I am wonderful and loved, and I didn't get that. I get he's putting in like 13 hour days, I really do, and I don't want to seem clingy. But when I ask for time, I get a "maybe" (due to work).

It HURT me. It's hard enough to embarrass myself to ask, but I've learned to ask for what I need. But he and GF1 went out tonight. Apparently it was in the works. I knew about it too, and had planned to go, if they did. But nothing at all was said to me.

I'll see them bright and early tomorrow morning.

I think it's time for GF1 and me to have a talk, at least about coordinating plans. She may be assuming he's keeping me in the loop, but he's not.
 
I think you should let them know that you did not feel supported as much as you would like. They can't change what happened, but they can try to be more aware of what you are going through.

I think talking to GF1 is a good idea. The more people talking, the better.

You can always come onto the forum for a good rant, as well. :)
 
Coming from someone who's lived like this, too (and if I'm way off, just tell me), being an 's' in a D/s relationship does NOT mean that you, and what you need, is not important. You are and it is.
 
I have a hard time knowing others are in distress or feeling alone. Even if your concerns have already been voiced, and you think you are being too needy or whatever, communicate!

These things can't stay quiet, or they will eat away at the joy and connection you should feel. Polyamory is not about holding back.

I am in a different place in my own relationship with Redpepper and in our V relationship. I have absolutely no time-balance issues because our time was not meant to be balanced. Balancing, to me, indicates a limited amount of time. I feel no time limit in this relationship and therefore am quite happy to accept the time available we get without asking for more.

We all accept that this is a lifelong relationship and therefore we have endless tomorrows to fill. Her husband and I are good friends and care about each other’s needs more than our own, I feel. This is an amazing aspect of our relationship that makes me very proud of what we are building.

Redpepper is sometimes frustrated at my not wanting to what I consider to be "encroaching" on the time for her "primary" relationship. As we are all becoming family, she would like me to spend more time with them. I have to do what makes me feel comfortable, even though I could spend all my time with her, because I love her madly. Her frustration is quite cute, actually. :)

It's about respect and being a positive in their lives. She and her husband hate when I call myself a secondary, but that is how I like to be defined. It is them above all others.

I can't imagine feeling left out or ignored intimately. I do feel a certain isolation or "on the outside looking in," due to my different approach to intimate relationships in poly group environments, however.

I hope you talk and get back to the joy your relationship can give you.
 
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I don't understand. I started talking about plans that my friends were making for the holidays, and I got, "Well, WE are doing this," and I wasn't part of the "we." Excluded once again. What the fuck? Am I overreacting? I really was getting to where I was willing to just take things one day at a time and let them unfold. And now I feel slapped, rejected, unwanted.
 
Wow. I don't fully know the context of the "we." If they consider you part of the "we," I would think they would want you along. If they are in some new place where they are in NRE and trying to figure out where "we" is, then they may need some space and some time to work thru that, which makes it tough on you since you have to find something to do while they're away or occupied.

My wife has voiced that she feels left out and doesn't know what to do when my 2nd and I are alone for the night. She tries to keep herself busy with computer work, movies, etc. It wouldn't necessarily be an issue if she and my 2nd were bisexual and made love together with me, but they are not, which means someone is always left out. My 2nd feels that way when my wife and I are together, too.

If it becomes evident with time that the we doesn't include you, then obviously there is a problem in the relationship, which is too bad. I hope it works out for you and your partners.
 
Quite honestly, I'm not sure either. I don't know if it's GF1 and GF2, or just GF1. But it looks unlikely I'll have time with him this week, like last.

I'm really honest-to-god trying to understand and believe him when he says he's not avoiding me. But fuck, it's like I don't even count. My heart hurts. I came to an understanding that I don't trust his feelings for me. I know it's about my own sense of trust. But now I just wonder if I should trust.
 
In this lifestyle, don't we have to trust? I'm sorry you're hurting.

I know my wife hurt also when we started our poly life. I so didn't want that to happen. But circumstances differ for us all.

You have to trust your guy, if he says he loves you and wants to be with you. But he may only be able to handle one of you at a time. Right now that isn't you, but next weekend it may be. I hope you find all the love, companionship and happiness you desire. Keep trying. It will come your way.
 
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