Am I a Band-Aid on another relationship? And if so, what do I do?

M

MissHBee

Member
I am in a year-old triad with a married couple, who I've named Cicada and Acorn. They have been married for 7 years, together for about a decade, and have a three year old daughter. Up until recently, I've been really happy in this relationship and I am still happy with my individual relationships with each of them. I am in love with both of them, they are both loving and affectionate with me, and although we've had a few small bumps, we've been able to talk through everything that's come up so far. We all have experience in non-monogamous relationships and they have been open for pretty much their whole relationship, but this relationship dynamic is new for all of us.

In the last month or so, some issues between Cicada and Acorn have come up, things related to their own relationship dynamic and their shared household and parenting obligations (I do not live with them.) The short version is that Cicada has been shouldering a lot of the work due to Acorn's mental and physical health and it's starting to take an emotional toll on him, which is, along with the health issues in question, affecting their romantic and sexual relationship. They are working on that issue, and we have all talked together about some of the effects of this dynamic on our triad in a way that felt healthy and productive to me, at least.

Tomorrow Cicada and I are going to a formal dinner together that's connected with his work and I'm pretty nervous about it. He invited me a couple months ago and I was pretty surprised — he is not "out" to these people, and it seemed to me like the kind of event it would be weird to take someone who is not your wife to. I was like, "Um, what does Acorn think?" and he explained that she hates attending things like this and almost never goes, so she suggested that he ask me instead. I was conflicted about it, but I could tell it would really mean a lot to him, so I agreed. Now I kiiiiind of regret it, because it feels risky to me and I wonder if I'm going to end up feeling bad attending this event as his "date" but not his partner. But he's still so happy and grateful and excited about me going that I can't fully regret it!

Anyway, I told him yesterday that I was feeling a bit anxious about it and he was immediately like "let's talk through the whole thing" and we plan to have a phone call later today. So hopefully that'll make me feel better about the actual logistics of it. But I'm not sure it's going to make me feel better about a larger issue that I feel like this situation kind of represents. That larger issue is something like...am I "standing in" for Acorn in a way that she is encouraging without realizing the implications? It is clear to me that Acorn has no concerns whatsoever about me attending this event — from her perspective, she doesn't want to go, and so me going in her place is an excellent solution to that problem. But seeing how happy Cicada is that someone's going with him...I wonder if Acorn doesn't really understand what this means to him. Sometimes I worry that she thinks that she can outsource anything she doesn't want to do to me to keep Cicada happy (attending his events, having sex, doing hobbies she doesn't like, etc.) and that will keep their marriage going. I'm not sure she realizes how much all of those things are bonding me and Cicada together, maybe because she doesn't experience them as bonding. And not that I think that any of our bonding comes inherently at the expense of their bonding, but that lately, it seems that he and I are doing a lot of bonding and him and her are kind of coasting at best. Maybe this is an overly "monogamous" perspective, I'm not sure, but what will it mean if Cicada is getting most of or all of his "relationship" needs met by me and not her? I would be less worried if this seemed to be a explicit agreement they were making, for their relationship to be more about being co-parents and for them to be getting their romantic/sexual needs met elsewhere, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I have this concern in the other direction too, but less drastically because Acorn is pretty dependent on Cicada and Cicada does a lot for her. With her, I feel like our relationship supplements their relationship — like, she gets different things from each of us and that feels (mostly) good to her (although she does express dissatisfaction with her marriage/life to me). It doesn't feel like that with Cicada. It feels like he gets what he needs from me so he can give to her. That sounds like it would feel bad for me, and it really doesn't, but only because it is incredibly effortless for me to "give" to Cicada in this way, and he gives back so happily and abundantly — and because I am very happy, busy, and fulfilled in my life outside of this relationship. I don't usually feel any kind of lack at all or jealousy about their relationship or what he does for her, because my needs are so very met. But I guess I'm feeling some kind of way about attending this event "in place of" Acorn, but without the public acknowledgment of our relationship, which wasn't even something I thought mattered to me.

If they were not married, if they did not have a child, if they were not so financially entangled, I think I would feel okay with just letting things play out. It seems to me that what is happening is that they are both realizing that they are not as content with their relationship as they thought they were and if we were all 23 and had no obligations, I would think that was fine and they might both be happier. But in this situation, I am worried about all the possible outcomes: worried about their marriage ending and feeling like I had a part to play in that, worried about their marriage not ending and feeling like I am the emotional support beam keeping it up, worried about walking away and losing two relationships that are amazing and fulfilling for me, worried about walking away and having their relationship crumble behind me anyway.

To be clear, neither of them has expressed any intention to change our current situation or unhappiness with our triad. Recently, we've had a couple of big talks and things have overall been great. But my perception of the situation (which I acknowledge is likely not the full picture — I'm sure there are things that I don't understand here) is starting to weigh on me, especially because I don't know how to, or if I should, raise this concern with them.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of advice I'm looking for (what to do? what kind of conversation to try to have?) but I would love to hear some outside thoughts. I have a poly-friendly therapist and we started to talk about this at our last session, but didn't have enough time to really get into it. I'm happy to provide any more information if it would help.
 
Hi MissHBee,

It seems to me that the concerns that you have would be appropriate to bring up in your next weekly or monthly talk with them. I think you are seeing that the triad relationship you have with them is evolving into a V -- where they are each involved romantically with you, but are not involved romantically with each other. I think this would be okay, as long as they could remain friends and coparents to each other. But you have a need to talk to them about it, I can tell. That is reason enough to bring it up in your weekly or monthly discussion with them.

I suppose the best way to bring it up would be to say, "I have gotten the impression lately that there is some distance growing between you guys. I am just kind of worried about that in general. I feel uncertain about what our future looks like. Do you think I should be worried? Can we talk about that?" Something like that. Simple, with a bit of emphasis on your feelings about it versus the situation itself. Obviously you can edit what I've suggested to better fit your thoughts, feelings, and worries, in the way that you believe would be best received by them.

These are just my initial thoughts.
Kevin T.
 
My gut reaction is that you're overthinking this.

from her perspective, she doesn't want to go, and so me going in her place is an excellent solution to that problem. But seeing how happy Cicada is that someone's going with him...I wonder if Acorn doesn't really understand what this means to him.
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You may be reading too much in to "what this means to him." Just let him be happy he's going with you. It's not a bandaid, you're not a bandaid.

I imagine that in a parallel universe she would always go and enjoy these things and you'd become sad you never got to see or be a part of this part of his life.

So you could just approach this with gratitude that you aren't being pigeonholed into never being the work date.
 
I hear that you have a lot of concerns and worries which make you feel insecure. Are you generally a worrier?

IMO personally, I wouldn’t feel it was my place to try to fix their relationship or to get involved as lay counsellor or commentator. You can only ‘do’ you. And often, if there are difficulties, then you can end up as the scapegoat if things do escalate and you’ve taken a mediator role.

As Acorn doesn’t want to go and Cicada is pleased you will go, maybe just try to enjoy the evening. If you are uncomfortable being a date not a partner in public, that’s a separate issue you could discuss with them as it is one that directly affects you.

Maybe they are not as content as they once were but these realisations happen at some point in all relationships. It’s what they then do about it that makes or breaks it and only they can work on the Acorn-Cicada dynamic.

No one person will be everything to the other, and it’s ok for Cicada to have a different bond with you than he has with Acorn, and different special interests, etc. It’s not necessarily an unhealthy sign and you do say “neither of them has expressed any intention to change our current situation or unhappiness with our triad” so I’d suggest trying not to worry about it.
 
Hi Bee,

My thoughts from reading your blog... I'm glad you posted here since you seemed concerned about... your status, I guess. You feel like because of Acorn's health problems that couple is growing apart in certain ways and you're, in a sense, the glue holding them together. The idea I am getting is that it's increasingly hard for Acorn to get around, and Cicada has had to take on more of a caregiver role with her. Acorn doesn't "have the spoons" for such things as this work event, her sex drive has greatly decreased, and so on. She has to take care of their child and that probably uses up most of her energy.

I think it's harder for some people to have frank discussions about how their relationship has evolved over the years. Your fear is that they have morphed to "friends and coparents" over time, but have never actually put that out there, in so many words, to each other.

Lots of marriages or long-term relationships lose passion over time. And lots of people's libidos dwindle over time too, from age, meds, health issues, hormones (menopause, or pregnancy/lactation for women, decrease in testosterone for men), or just from the pure exhaustion of raising kids, or a demanding job, eldercare, on and on.

(It's interesting. There's a new member here who has a blog (she provided a link) about female-led relationships. I've been dipping into it. She has written about how some women's libidos increase after menopause and how their male partners may have gone the other way, and so more women of a "certain age" are feeling empowered to seek younger male partners whose libidos can match theirs. Then she even goes on to speak of how the older guy can fetishize his own loss of libido and get fully into the cuckoldry kink. I think it's okay to seek sex from another partner when one of one's partners no longer has the drive, with the consent of everyone, of course.)

Anyway, these are examples of how it isn't necessarily pathological for the sex to dwindle between a couple. It doesn't necessarily sound a death knell for the relationship.

Me, I'm from New York near Manhattan. I really don't feel comfortable unless things are open, honest and clear. Maybe you're that way, but Acorn and Cicada are more okay with just assuming things, sensing them but not spelling them out. But if you want clarity, you can certainly ask. Triads are hard and they need completely open communication to fully succeed.

As for the event, Cicada is not out, so people will question who you are. What is he going to tell them? Would he be at risk if he did tell colleagues you were his gf and his wife knows and everything is fine? That's what I would need to know. Are you ready to stand there at a party while Cicada comes out?

And the next thing, wondering if Cicada and Acorn will drift further and further apart, and you will somehow be at fault or to blame for that? No. They are adults. They chose this. They are both happy with YOU. They may be growing apart in some ways, but that sounds like it was gonna happen anyway. If Cicada is needed by Acorn to help when she's not feeling well, it sounds like they will be staying together, at least in some way, anyway.
 
It sounds like there are two themes right now. Going to this work function as his date, which it sounds like you two are going to talk about in depth. Good! That's what I would recommend.

The second theme you are worried about is their relationship and your possible impact on it. For this I'd recommend you stay in your lane. Their relationship is THEIRS to figure out and manage. Their relationship can thrive or fail and there's nothing you can do about it except stay out of it. Any "help" you try to provide by tiptoeing around, trying not to be a problem, won't help and might hurt your individual relationships with each of them. You can hear them out, hug and hold, give space if someone asks for it, but don't offer advice or give feedback... Nothing good can come of it. Just love each relationship for what it is and stay out of theirs.
 
I was in a Triad for most of my marriage with us living together for the majority of the time. There were no children involved (they were grown) so I can’t speak to the dynamics of that situation. However, over the years we kind of adapted to one another’s likes and dislikes (not talking sexually). My husband was more of an introvert where my bf was very gregarious. My bf and I loved to travel where my husband preferred momentous trips like anniversaries/birthdays. Over time we kind of developed our lanes in the relationship and rarely (won’t say never) stepped on each other’s toes. Try not to overthink things too much. You are helping Cicada by relieving her of a social obligation that she dreaded. You are helping Acorn by helping him enjoy an experience that he’s had to put aside. I think that the communication that the three of you have together is remarkable. As long as that communication is strong and honest I think most of the wrinkles can be worked out before they become stumbling blocks. Enjoy yourself at this event and just follow Acorn’s lead.
 
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your thoughts! I thought about it overnight and I think that this is an example of a pattern that I'm only just learning to identify, which is that if I find myself spinning out about what other people are maybe thinking/feeling about each other, it usually means that actually I have some feelings that I am doing my best to ignore. I think that those of you that separated out the issue of my feelings about going to this event from the hypothetical meaning of this event for Cicada and Acorn were really onto something.

I am feeling very conflicted about going to this event, because I am flattered and grateful to be asked and I think I will enjoy the event itself, but I am also realizing that I am pretty hurt that Cicada is comfortable asking me to go while pretending that I am not his partner. It is making me feel a strange mix of both more and less "legitimate" in terms of our relationship and I think that is the root of my angst about how solid his other relationship is. It is becoming easier to slip into a bit of resentment that I don't want to have, which is something like "why does your wife get to be your only 'legitimate,' socially recognized partner, when you seem to be treating me as your primary emotional/romantic/sexual partner?" I so realize that I don't need to frame it in this way, that it doesn't matter what the details of my and Cicada's relationship is like vs. Acorn and Cicada's relationship is like for me to acknowledge and ask for what I need. It's just scary!

Cicada and I did talk yesterday and touched on this issue in regard to how to manage my feelings about this event, but I recognize that it's going to need to be a bigger conversation. I am going to take this as a lesson about the dangers of agreeing to do things to make others happy even though I have my doubts, and I told him that even if this event goes well, I will almost certainly need to bow out of similar things in the future. Our communication has been really strong so far and I am confident we'll be able to have good conversations about this soon, but I am worried that there are some practical obstacles that are going to be a problem and I don't know if I can handle that.

This is all an excellent reminder that anytime I'm worried about how Cicada and Acorn feel about each other, I am probably really worried about how they are treating me, and should focus on that part.
 
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Good insights!

So what's going to happen at this event is Cicada might tell those who knows he's married, that Acorn isn't feeling well, so he invited a "friend" as his plus one?

I don't recall if you mentioned what their reasons were for not being out, or if they are out to just a few closer friends, or what.

At any rate, even though you see that you were masking your own feelings and covering them with concerns about your partner's own marriage changing (and maybe not for the better), I myself can't help but thinking if I were you, I'd still be concerned about being a Band-Aid. I see other members here say to just let those two be, and don't overthink it, but I'm always concerned about triads in general, and the unicorn being used as a Band-Aid, or a bridge, or a rope in a tug o' war, or a chew toy, etc. So I think it's okay to be wary of red flags.

The couple not being out, and their unicorn being the "dirty little secret," to prevent judgment and maintain a "perfect couple" facade, is also a common issue in triads. I'm not sure if you've read this:

 
Yes, Cicada told me that he told his friends in advance that he would be coming with a guest who is a close friend and not his wife and that his wife is aware — he told me that this would be his strategy when he invited me, so it's not like it was sprung on me, but it turns out I feel more unhappy about it now than I did a few months ago when I agreed! There are good reasons for Cicada to not be out at work, and at the moment we are all kind of in the same place, out to a few close friends but no one else. I feel like I'm in a tricky place because I'm not sure I'm ready to tell my parents, for example, so I don't want to ask for more than I'm willing to give. I've been handling it myself by keeping Cicada and Acorn out of any aspects of my life that would require either telling or lying about them, and lately it's seemed that Cicada wants to be more involved in each other's lives, but wants to handle it by lying and I don't want that.

I think that I can approach my bandaid concerns with the same framework of focusing on how each of their behavior affects me and talking about it with them in those terms. So hopefully that will help with the balance of being aware of red flags, while also not getting overly mixed up in the parts of this relationship that are not my job to handle.
 
For me, if I was in this situation, the hardest part would be acting platonic. I'm so used to touching and being close to my partners...even how I look at them would be obvious. I don't envy your position. I hope you do enjoy the event. I think it will be a learning experience for both of you and hopefully that experience results in positive changes to your relationships.
 
Who to be out to and in one situations is definitely complicated. I’m not out at work (mostly, I told HR for a few reasons) but I’m not trying to hide it either and I keep trying to figure out how to be more open without it being weird. Artist is out to everyone except his father (including work), Knight is out to everyone except work. (Though most of his coworkers are several states away so it doesn’t take much hiding.)

I will say that my personal boundary around this is that I will not spend time with people who my partner isn’t out to. Not asking for anyone to be out to people they don’t want to be… but I don’t need to subject myself to that particular weirdness. And I won’t ask my partners to subject themselves to that - i wouldn’t ask my partners to attend a party as a friend, I’d go solo or not at all if it was people that I didn’t want to be out to.

How I came to this conclusion was I was part of two quads, kind of back to back, and the way the other couples handled privacy was VERY different. Each threw a party for their friends within the first several months of our relationship(s), the first we were “friends” who had “met through our kids”… the other we were openly polyamorous partners at. The first scenario felt like an affair with permission… the second felt like I was actually part of my partner at the time’s life. I immediately said I’m never going to put a partner in a place where they feel like a secret.
 
Update: The party went very well — I had an excellent time, actually, and although I was predictably a little sad being introduced as his friend, it wasn't as awkward as I worried it would be. Cicada was still very warm and comfortable with me (I guess I was worried he'd be stiff and keep me at a distance) and it turned out that several of his friends/colleagues knew of me and were like "ohhh, you're THAT friend!" which felt very nice. So the overall effect was that the night was emotionally a net positive, rather than being a real mix, like I was expecting.

That being said, it's almost a problem that the event itself was so fun, because it makes it harder to stick to the boundary that I think I still need to have, like you're describing, Icesong. It definitely made me feel like "an affair with permission," even if I was caught up in the fun of it. I have this problem which is that I have some weird baggage around being public about my relationships — like I honestly think I would have had a similar level of angst about this if I were in a parallel universe where I was in a monogamous relationship of a year and my partner was like "would you come with me to this work event so I can introduce you to my friends/colleagues as my girlfriend?" So somehow it's like the contradictory angsts are canceling each other out or something?? But I still don't want to feel like a secret, even if certain parts of me are more comfortable being a secret.
 
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