Am I being oversensitive or taken advantage of?

[Jezzara]

It sounds like perhaps she took on too much for one weekend and will have to learn to slow down.
You're being very understanding. Are some real-world people you can reach out to who can support you while on this steep learning curve?

Yeah, I definitely think she overdid things and is now coming down hard from it all.

There are people I talk to, yeah. But my friend group I actually get real contact not online with is rather small, and all of them are friends with us both, so I don't want to say anything negative about B to them.

 

[Jezzara]

So you're both mentally ill, and raising several children, and trying to have an open polyamorous relationship? Many poly folk take breaks from poly-dating when the kids are young. Add in mental illness in both parents, and this does not sound like the best time to be attempting to have an open relationship.

The mental illnesses we both have are long term, and in B's case, it's especially severe. Self harm and worse have been a problem, and I've had to help her through that during her poly journey before, which was scary. I'm worried what will happen if this guy doesn't want what she does. (She's already said to me she wants a relationship with him, but they haven't put a label on things yet.)

The youngest child is 8, the oldest is 19. This is the first real relationship B has started up since we got together over 3 years ago. We've done swinging together off and on throughout that time, but this is the first time she's properly explored things without me, and I'm finding the fear of abandonment very hard to overcome.

 

[Magdlyn]

How many kids, total? I've always been poly at heart, but I chose not to practice it until my youngest was 16 and the other two were 19 and 21. Some poly people do practice when their kids are much younger, but often it's because they've been poly before the kid was born, and so their established trusted partners are already in place, and often in an aunt or uncle position.

Dealing with young children is hard. Dealing with adolescents can be even harder. Add in that women are usually in perimenopause when their kids are adolescent, so having hormone issues of their own. Add in busy demanding careers one usually has in one's forties... How on earth is there time for messing around with new extra partners in any reasonable responsible way? I just can't relate to that, personally.

Trying to deal with intense NRE emotions is hard, even when one is single. NRE can feel wonderful, sexy, exciting, but there is going to be a lot of anxiety involved too, usually (like with your gf) around questions like, "Do they like/desire me as much as I do them? Do they want the same thing in a relationship as I do? Will they be available to me as often as I want? Why did I say/do that stupid thing on our last date? Did I turn them off?" and so on.

Now, a ways into your thread, you state that both of you have mental illness, and your gf's is severe. She is not stable. You "had to" help her through "self harm and worse" in her prior dating experiences.

Does any of this indicate to you that you both might want to rethink dating polyamorously right now? It sounds like gf is thrill-seeking. (I have a daughter with borderline personality disorder, and I am getting those vibes here, to be honest.)

 

[Jezzara]

How many kids, total?

B has 4 aged 8-19. I have 2 aged 8-10 but they aren't here as often.

Does any of this indicate to you that you both might want to rethink dating polyamorously right now? It sounds like gf is thrill-seeking. (I have a daughter with borderline personality disorder, and I am getting those vibes her, to be honest.)

That is the condition that she has. Tbh I know she has been on dating sites a while and has had odd dates here and there over the last year but this guy came along right around the time we were having arguments over behavioural issues with one of the kids . Could be co-incidence could be intentional idk. She's been really down since the weekend and I think the BPD is making it worse as she's been forgetting her meds in all the excitement

 

[Magdlyn]

Six kids, borderline personality disorder (self harm, and I'm guessing suicidal ideation), and forgetting her meds, and you have mental illness of your own. Yeah, now we are getting a clearer picture. This is not just a "simple" case of NRE. This goes beyond what us poly folk can really help with in any real way. But you do have my sympathies.

I'd request she pull back from dating new people, if I were you. This is not the time for spreading herself too thin.

 

[Jezzara]

Six kids, borderline personality disorder (self harm, and I'm guessing suicidal ideation), and forgetting her meds, and you have mental illness of your own. Yeah, now we are getting a clearer picture. This is not just a "simple" case of NRE. This goes beyond what us poly folk can really help with in any real way. But you do have my sympathies.

I'd request she pull back from dating new people, if I were you. This is not the time for spreading herself too thin.

Yeah unfortunately I think she is definitely spreading herself too thin. Obvs the polyamory is a real part of her, it was a thing before we were ever a thing, but it does feel like it's come to the fore more as life has gotten harder. Whether it's an escape, genuine desire to explore it more or something else I don't really know but I know I don't have the experience to really recognise simple NRE vs spiralling etc so that's why I came for advice.

I really appreciate everyone's advice. It helps to know the things I'm doing right, wrong etc and how to have the conversations

 

[MeeraReed]

When she and her new guy were at the house while the kids were home...did she and her boyfriend have sex while the teenagers were home? (The day they were ordering the pizza). Was that why one of her kids was snarky to her?

 

[Jezzara]

When she and her new guy were at the house while the kids were home...did she and her boyfriend have sex while the teenagers were home? (The day they were ordering the pizza). Was that why one of her kids was snarky to her?

Yes they did have sex while the teenagers were home. I don't known if the teenagers know it happened as I wasn't here so don't know how subtle they were etc.

 

[Tinwen]

Mental illness sucks. Jump right in, schedule too much for one weekend, even forget meds? Could happen to anyone. Problem is common mistakes can have extra hard consequences when it's not just exhaustion.

I'm not sure what conclusion to draw from that, because mental illness should not be a "don't do anything exciting in life ever" ordeal. When people talk to those mentally ill sometimes it sounds like that, despite best intentions or even deep sympathy and understanding. You're girlfriends oldest is 19, and that may be how long she's held off on dating the way she'd like to... internet people aren't here to tell her she should hold off even longer.
But mental illness usually does mean. But it does mean you have to be extra careful, go extra slow, take extra precautions. Again - it sucks.

You were worried about what happens if she gets dumped, and that sounds like a reasonable fear to me. Did you talk about an emergency plan for that? Is she relying on you to handle her low?
Is there a plan for you, what to do if you get really overwhelmed? Can you afford a therapist? Is there someplace you could go for a few days to get some space?

 

[Jezzara]

You were worried about what happens if she gets dumped, and that sounds like a reasonable fear to me. Did you talk about an emergency plan for that? Is she relying on you to handle her low?
Is there a plan for you, what to do if you get really overwhelmed? Can you afford a therapist? Is there someplace you could go for a few days to get some space?

We haven't discussed an emergency plan. tbh, I have no idea how to bring that up without her interpreting it as me saying it won't last or something, and either upsetting her or pushing her away. Yes, she is definitely relying on me to handle the low, as always. It is causing mixed feelings, as I love her and want to comfort her, but it also sucks that she's with me and upset over someone else, no longer wants sex, is quiet a lot, etc.

Erm... honest answer. My plan when I get overwhelmed is to either try and struggle through, or self harm. Yeah, I know, a shit plan, but I can't afford therapy, and as we live together I have nowhere else to go, unless I paid for a hotel or something.

 

[Tinwen]

You should brainstorm some options. Friends you can call, places you can go to spend a few hours alone. Anything that usually helps you calm yourself. You could put asside that money for a hotel, hopefully to never use it.
I don't know about the US, but in my country there is such a thing as a crisis helpline for psychological issues - a phone number you can call and a trained specialist will talk to you. You could pin and call it when thoughts about self harm first start to occur.

As to how to speak about it to her, I don't know her or have experience with her condition, so I can't really help.

 

[Jezzara]

You should brainstorm some options. Friends you can call, places you can go to spend a few hours alone. Anything that usually helps you calm yourself. You could put aside that money for a hotel, hopefully to never use it.
I don't know about the US, but in my country there is such a thing as a crisis helpline for psychological issues - a phone number you can call and a trained specialist will talk to you. You could pin and call it if thoughts about self harm first start to occur.

As to how to speak about it to her, I don't know her or have experience with her condition, so I can't really help.

I'm from the UK, so I know about crisis numbers, etc. Personally, when I've used them they haven't helped.

I'm letting things cool at the moment and when she's in a better headspace I'll have a check in with her and do it then.

I have the money to do that stuff if I need to, I am autistic and have adhd, as well as other issues, so routine changes, social cues, etc., are very hard for me. So it's been a struggle to not take all this personally.

Being there to support her, and reminding myself that there's nothing I've done wrong, and her being like this atm isn't a reflection on me, doesn't mean she's gone off me, etc. Yes, I don't think it's entirely fair towards me to expect me to be the emotional support blanket all the time, but at the same time, I want to be that.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm from the UK so I know about crisis numbers, etc. Personally, when I've used them they haven't helped.

I'm letting things cool at the moment and when she's in a better headspace I'll have a check in with her and do it then.

I have the money to do that stuff if I need to.

Great. Money always helps some.

I am autistic and have adhd, as well as other issues so routine changes, social cues, erc., are very hard for me. So it's been a struggle to not take all this personally.

I honestly think you're doing great. You're able to analyze what's going on quite objectively while feeling your feelings at the same time.

Being there to support her, and reminding myself that there's nothing I've done wrong, and her being like this atm isn't a reflection on me, doesn't mean she's gone off me, etc. Yes, I don't think it's entirely fair towards me to expect me to be the emotional support blanket all the time, but at the same time I want to be that.

That's understandable. I do think that weathering the lows of dating with our partners is a part of consenting to polyamory.
As for the "all the time" part, I may be wrong, but I imagine that's a tricky point with BPD people. If you set a limit on your availability, it adds to their upset disproportionately.

 

[Jezzara]

I honestly think you're doing great.

Thank you. It doesn't feel it all the time, but nice to know.

As for the "all the time" part, I may be wrong, but I imagine that's a tricky point with BPD people. If you set a limit on your availability, it adds to their upset disproportionately.

Yeah, it's a dangerous game withdrawing from someone with BPD, as that in itself can make things a lot worse. Same reason I can't be critical about new guy and the NRE, etc., as the reaction from her can be extreme, either as self lows, or affect us as I'm "being jealous," etc.

 

[Bobbi]

These are the reasons why I won't be around people with BPD. It's harmful to me. I've chosen to not allow that in my life. It's as bad as being with an addict. It's codependency that kills you slowly.

I understand where you are at. I've been there. You will stay until you've been so broken you have to leave or die. My fear for you, because you self harm, is you'll stick around until the only way out you see is suicide. I fear for you.

Please please get help removing yourself from her. The short-term pain can be worked through. How long will you stay and continue to let yourself be emotionally abused? You self harm to have some semblance of control. Why not take back control by leaving instead? My heart aches for you.

 

[Jezzara]

These are the reasons why I won't be around people with BPD. It's harmful to me. I've chosen to not allow that in my life. It's as bad as being with an addict. It's codependency that kills you slowly.

I understand where you are at. I've been there. You will stay until you've been so broken you have to leave or die. My fear for you, because you self harm, is you'll stick around until the only way out you see is suicide. I fear for you.

Please, please get help removing yourself from her. The short-term pain can be worked through. How long will you stay and continue to let yourself be emotionally abused? You self harm to have some semblance of control. Why not take back control by leaving instead? My heart aches for you.

I understand what you're saying, and I have had moments where I have been resolute I'm leaving. But most of the time it is under control and she is stable. When it's bad, it's really bad. But I don't think leaving is the solution, frankly.

I don't just self harm because of her. I have my own demons, as well.

I don't think this is simply BPD causing problems. The NRE is certainly real. She's overexerted, and forgetting the meds hasn't helped, sure, but it's not the reason.

 

[Magdlyn]

As I said, my adult daughter has BPD. She was born different. She was a fussy, distant baby, a hard-to-raise child, and once adolescence hit, it became a nightmare of bulimia, self harm, substance abuse, hospitalizations and halfway houses.

Therapy and meds didn't help much, if at all. Finally she found a partner who was even more messed up than her, and they "found Jesus" together, eventually got off drugs, got married, and started popping out kids. I do credit her church for some of her success in getting off drugs. Apparently the black-and-white rules of an evangelical church help. Also, it helps her to volunteer and be a part of a community, sing, socialize with others who have struggled with drugs and gotten clean, etc.

Still, I don't have contact with her except a phone call 2 or 3 times a year, her choice, because I am not Christian (!). My older daughter says the husband abuses the children. (My older daughter HATES her brother in law.) My BPD daughter has had a kid every other year for 10 years, and just announced her 6th pregnancy. My heart breaks for my grandchildren (whom I am no longer allowed to see!). Soon they will start hitting adolescence, and I hope for the best, but expect the worst.

(I always worry about the children. I worry for yours. I guess it's good they're not around her much.)

At the same time, along the way, my daughter got some education and got a career as a phlebotomist. She no longer self harms (as far as I know), but she gets paid for drawing blood. Maybe that helps.

(She's not all bad. She's intelligent, she's very caring, she has a sense of humor, she's friendly, she's highly energetic and gets stuff done. She's just full of anxiety all the time.)

Anyway, back when she was a teen, I read the book, new at the time, called Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is written by people who themselves have BPD who have it pretty well managed. It's a book for loved ones of those with BPD. It has helped me understand her condition and draw boundaries. Maybe you've read it, Jezeera.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't think this is simply BPD causing problems.

No, you came here to get support with pretty common feelings of demotion and intrusion in a first-time poly situation. It just turns out it's happening in a difficult terrain.
It's entirely your decision whether you can be a partner to someone who has mental health issues as well.

Yeah, it's a dangerous game withdrawing from someone with BPD, as that in itself can make things a lot worse. Same reason I can't be critical about new guy and the NRE, etc., as the reaction from her can be extreme, either as self lows, or affect us as I'm "being jealous," etc.

This is the difficult terrain. A new poly situation does require a lot of negotiating and boundary setting on your part... well, really, on everyone's part. How on earth do you do that if every single talk is difficult? But you still absolutely HAVE to do it.

You've no doubt managed other difficult relationship situations in your history, this is not entirely different. But be warned that this is a marathon. It takes time, for every newly opened-up former couple and for every new poly "V" to form, iron out all the folds and reach a new normal. We're likely talking two years of constant shifts of dynamics and increased mental load.

 

[Jezzara]

That sounds like a nightmare to have gone through Magdlyn, I'm sorry.

Anyway, back when she was a teen, I read the book, new at the time, called Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is written by people who themselves have BPD who have it pretty well managed. It's a book for loved ones of those with BPD. It has helped me understand her condition and draw boundaries. Maybe you've read it, Jezeera.

I haven't heard of that one but I will track down a copy to read, thank you

 

[Jezzara]

I've ordered a copy of stop walking on eggshells and also a copy of polysecure to try and help me better understand B and the trials and tribulations of her life.

I am in a holding pattern atm, as I want to explore polyamory myself, as I have long felt I may be. Or at least I know I'm polysexual and want to see how far into polyamory I fit. But due to past trauma I need a lot of support with this, support B has promised me, but currently doesn't seem able to give.