Am I being oversensitive or taken advantage of?
- Thread starter Jezzara
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Oh boy, where do I begin with the update... It turns out that her bpd does not handle NRE well. I've spent the last 3 days dealing with severe depression and suicide attempts. 
I'm scared to leave her alone. She hasn't seen new guy in a week as he's been away with work. She thinks he's home tonight. We're going to the drs today to get her help because I can't do this alone.
I'm meant to be going out Saturday, but I don't want to now, as I'll be worried about her the whole time. She says she'll be fine and might be with new guy, but nothing is actually arranged and she's not spoken to him in a day or 2.
I'm scared to leave her alone. She hasn't seen new guy in a week as he's been away with work. She thinks he's home tonight. We're going to the drs today to get her help because I can't do this alone.
I'm meant to be going out Saturday, but I don't want to now, as I'll be worried about her the whole time. She says she'll be fine and might be with new guy, but nothing is actually arranged and she's not spoken to him in a day or 2.
I'm glad you're getting her to the doctor. You're her husband, not her therapist, not her MD.
Rather than going on a date yourself, you'd probably be better off staying in and reading the Eggshells book. I personally don't think it's fair to ask a person to get involved with one when one's own home life is in a shambles. What do you have to offer right now?
Rather than going on a date yourself, you'd probably be better off staying in and reading the Eggshells book. I personally don't think it's fair to ask a person to get involved with one when one's own home life is in a shambles. What do you have to offer right now?
Hi everyone, been a while since i updated so thought I'd drop in and do so and ask a question that's been nagging at me and I feel very shallow for thinking.
The Polysecure and Eggshells books have been helpful to me in learning a bit more about myself and my needs, faults etc., so thank you for those recommendations.
B is on new meds that are slowly helping her feel more like herself and we've had no more end of life attempts since the one I described. Harming has eased off a lot too. She has seen new guy twice since the last update, once an overnight at his and once him at ours. I met him properly and we had a good chat and it's helped us both feel more comfortable around each other which I'm seeing as a big positive. She is having a 2 night stay with him weds-fri.
My "problem," as it were, is an insecure and maybe petty one, but here goes... We have still not slept together since all this began nearly a month ago. Understandably, given what's happened with B's mental state, she's not been in the headspace for it and I'm not pushing it. However, when she stayed at new guy's, they slept together. She says it just happened but then when he was here she thought about it again. (Didn't, as she knew I'd be home from work soon.) Where I'm struggling is that she's only just got back into the space where she's comfortable sleeping naked with me again (this is our normal usually) and the one time she wanted to try and sleep together, she froze up immediately and we didn't (even though this was only a day or 2 after they slept together).
It's left my self esteem in absolute bits. I totally get her not being ready and that's ok but where I'm hurting is that she very clearly is ready with him. Is it just the NRE allowing that or is something wrong with me/us? I feel like I'm drowning.
I start therapy on Friday.
The Polysecure and Eggshells books have been helpful to me in learning a bit more about myself and my needs, faults etc., so thank you for those recommendations.
B is on new meds that are slowly helping her feel more like herself and we've had no more end of life attempts since the one I described. Harming has eased off a lot too. She has seen new guy twice since the last update, once an overnight at his and once him at ours. I met him properly and we had a good chat and it's helped us both feel more comfortable around each other which I'm seeing as a big positive. She is having a 2 night stay with him weds-fri.
My "problem," as it were, is an insecure and maybe petty one, but here goes... We have still not slept together since all this began nearly a month ago. Understandably, given what's happened with B's mental state, she's not been in the headspace for it and I'm not pushing it. However, when she stayed at new guy's, they slept together. She says it just happened but then when he was here she thought about it again. (Didn't, as she knew I'd be home from work soon.) Where I'm struggling is that she's only just got back into the space where she's comfortable sleeping naked with me again (this is our normal usually) and the one time she wanted to try and sleep together, she froze up immediately and we didn't (even though this was only a day or 2 after they slept together).
It's left my self esteem in absolute bits. I totally get her not being ready and that's ok but where I'm hurting is that she very clearly is ready with him. Is it just the NRE allowing that or is something wrong with me/us? I feel like I'm drowning.
I start therapy on Friday.
Bobbi
Well-known member
I'd chalk it up to NRE. You are now sleeping naked together so things are changing in a positive direction.
I would suggest that she not share her sexual escapades with you. It's TMI and hurtful to you. You don't need to know anything beyond sexual health stuff that directly affects you.
With her, go slow. Take sex off the table for an evening (or many) and make out, have sensual touching, but not with the genitals. Create safe space to enjoy each other without the hope or pressure for sex. Work up to it slowly and let her be in charge of when it happens with no expectations. Focus on the connection above all. Let her lead to adding genitals and sex.
I would suggest that she not share her sexual escapades with you. It's TMI and hurtful to you. You don't need to know anything beyond sexual health stuff that directly affects you.
With her, go slow. Take sex off the table for an evening (or many) and make out, have sensual touching, but not with the genitals. Create safe space to enjoy each other without the hope or pressure for sex. Work up to it slowly and let her be in charge of when it happens with no expectations. Focus on the connection above all. Let her lead to adding genitals and sex.
That's what I'm trying to see it as. My head is telling me she's going to leave me for him. She doesn't want sex with me anymore etc but that's just ptsd stuff from my abusive marriage making it bad I think.
Yeah she does tend to overshare as we usually talk about everything but i think i need to set that as a boundary for my own well being.
with her, go slow. Take sex off the table for an evening (or many) and make out, have sensual touching, but not with the genitals. Create safe space to enjoy each other without the hope or pressure for sex. Work up to it slowly and let her be in charge of when it happens with no expectations. Focus on the connection above all. Let her lead to adding genitals and sex.
I haven't been trying anything because I'm so worried about making her feel uncomfortable or trigger her mental health or anything. We cuddle, kiss, back stroking etc but nothing overtly sexual. The one time she wanted to try she initiated. I think it's only because she's active with him that's making it hard, if it was off the table for everyone it wouldn't feel personal
Did the Eggshells book not give you insight into the way people with borderline think and how to understand it, and how to cope with it as their loved one? I don't remember that book teaching me about MY faults, as a person without borderline. I do not suffer from mental illness though. I'd hoped the book would help you understand where her issues lie, so you could create better boundaries for yourself.
My daughter has a tendency towards very black and white thinking. Also, most BPD people tend to latch on to a "favorite person," and go through a series of rather predictable behaviors towards this person, which should have great bearing on what you go on to complain about (and take as a blow to YOUR self esteem, rather than just the way she is, that has nothing to do with your value).
I'm glad new meds are helping.
I'm glad it helped you to meet this guy, whether he lasts or not.
Do you feel ready for that?
I hear that you feel insecure, and like your feelings don't matter (to your partner and to us) and are shallow.
It's okay to say "have sex," or even "fuck" here. I can't tell here whether you're talking about having sex part of the time (with other guy, for example), or actually sleeping in the same bed, naked or not, or having sex, with you. Would you clarify? Is she refusing to actually lie next to you and sleep? Or she won't actually sleep naked, just in pjs? Or she won't sleep, but will fuck? Or she will sleep, but won't fuck? Or she won't fuck naked? I can see why she'd "freeze up" even sleeping naked, since it's January.
It's NRE AND it's her BPD/favorite person syndrome. It probably has little to do with your goodness as a person and a partner.
What are you drowning in? Confusion? Didn't Eggshells explain the way BPD people deal in relationships?
Good.
I'm not sure it's YOU that is insecure. But the relationship with a BPD partner is unstable. All up and downy. So it's hard to feel secure within it. You might have your things too but that's a big part of it.
Why do you have to know when (hinge + Guy ) share sex? Is hinge oversharing?
Do you represent all the things she doesn't want to deal in or think about? "Regular" life and managing her BPD, and the poor behaviors she's done towards you? Or her recent suicide stuff/self harm? So it's hard to share sex without that on her mind?
Where Guy represents "blank slate" and "fun" so it's easier to share sex with Guy? She hasn't dropped the mask over there yet?
Again... could you have lived without knowing that part in bold? Is she oversharing?
How/why is your self esteem connected to you + her sharing sex?
You can't feel proud of your behavior choices and hold yourself in high esteem because.... she doesn't want to share sex with you?
How do these connect for you?
Is sex like "medicine" for you because of the sex chemistry released?
Is your only value here as a sex partner?
Could (you + her) sharing sex be about having a nice time during a sex share? And not about your value or how you feel about your behavior choices?
How is your health doing living with a BPD partner? Are you struggling with situational depression? Or maybe other things?
I'm just guessing. I might guess wrong.
I am sorry you struggle with this though. It sounds hard.
Are you seeing your own counselor?
Galagirl
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Well... You could finish the thought so you could become less fearful.
Say she did break up with you--
How would you disband as peacefully as possible? What would be the plan?
What would you lose? The relationship would end/change. That would be the first thing.
What would you gain? Right at the top of the list, you would be not dealing in her self harm, suicide attempts, and there would be no more walking on eggshells, right?
No break up is FUN, even when needed in a situation. But it doesn't also have to be scary. You can think out your emergency plan.
Galagirl
Yeah, it's shown me a lot of faults, behaviours, patterns, etc., caused by her BPD, and I've definitely changed some things about how I respond to her and things I won't put up with.
Unfortunately, because of my own trauma around sex and emotional manipulation, it is very hard to not take things as personal attacks each time, or to not blame myself (as I'd been forced to do for years previously).
I have been her "favourite person" for over 3 years and so now it feels like he's becoming that and I feel abandoned, which I'm having to harden my heart about and not be at her beck and call 24/7.
Yeah, I think so. I've planned out what I'm going to do in the evenings, as I'm at work during the day, so that part wouldn't have affected me at all, anyway.
To clarify here. We've still been sleeping in the same bed, but with her in pj's, instead. Up until 2 nights ago, when we went back to naked. I've shadowed whatever she does, to help her feel comfortable. So I wore pj's, and when she took hers off, I did the same. So she led it. We normally sleep naked all year round. She only stopped when her mental health plummeted.
She had sex with him when she stayed over at his the other night, and wanted to have sex with him when he came here, but didn't, as she knew I'd be home soon and that was a boundary. She slept naked with him before she felt able to do so with me.
We've not had sex in about a month, largely because of her mental health. She started having sex with him again last week.
Yeah, that could well be. It's just hard to not take it as a personal slight against me/a problem in our relationship.
Too many negative thoughts and emotions and struggling to stay out of the doom spiral I've entered. Yeah, the book has explained it, and in my more calm and logical moments I can talk myself out of feeling personally attacked. But I needed to hear other's thoughts, as I don't know if I'm being silly or justified in how I feel.
It came up that they had when we were discussing things about us, and how she feels confidence-wise to be intimate. etc. So yeah, overcharging from B.
Could be that, yeah. She only told him about having BPD a couple of weeks into her mental break (after the suicide attempt). Before, she'd just said she was struggling with mental health stuff.
She said she doesn't feel able to talk about it all with him. When she had a bad spell last time she was at his, she called me for help, rather than wake him up.
The answer to these is that for me sex is a huge part of feeling reconnected, and that we are still us when she's been with someone else. I have a lot of trauma around sex being withheld as a weapon against me by my ex wife, so inadvertently, B is triggering a lot of very bad memories atm. I have very low self esteem and am a very tactile person. I need touch, sex, etc., to feel I still have meaning, not just words. That last bit is one of many things I am going to start therapy about.
Yes, I think so.
I miss it because it's always been amazing between us, but I also need it to feel confident we are getting back to our normal state, rather than feeling like her carer/therapist like I have the past month.
I'm self harming to cope (long history, not just because of this). A bad episode is what made me seek therapy last week. My mental health is horrific a lot of the time. I'm waiting for an assessment to see about bpd, ptsd, etc., in me, possibly.
Thank youI'm just guessing. I might guess wrong.
I am sorry you struggle with this, though. It sounds hard.
I start seeing one on Friday, and the crisis team that has been helping B is sending someone to help me next week, as well, at B's request.
I'd have to start my life all over again and the last time I had to do that was 7 years ago when my marriage ended. I tried to kill myself several times during that rebuilding and don't think I'm strong enough to rebuild a 2nd time right now
You and she have only been together for 3 years. NRE usually lasts 6 months to 2 years for everyone. So that's one factor. Add in that she has BPD and you have... whatever you have... PTSD from childhood, something else. It's not shocking that she's latching on to a new favorite person or having mood swings. It's hard to hide BPD for long (unlike covert narcissism, for example). So you could have predicted this could happen, her loss of interest in you, and in sex with you, her moving on to a new person.
I'm not saying you're dumb for not predicting it. It still hurts too! My point it, it's NOT YOUR FAULT.
Does she like when you "shadow" her behavior or choices?
This time, she did take off her PJs, but it wasn't a signal she wanted sex, right? It was just one step towards more intimacy, a bit more vulnerability. So, a step in the right direction. As Bobbi said, don't push the genital stuff. As GG said, she has no baggage with New Guy, so it feels less loaded or risky to just have casual sex.
Try not to compare. No shade, but that's a rookie poly mistake.
Again, try not to compare. You two have established relationship intimacy (ERI), not NRE. Many experienced polyamorists enjoy ERI more than NRE. It's more secure, and it can still be highly pleasurable.
Well, no one's perfect. No relationship is perfect. Issues can be worked through without full-on panic or crushing depression.
I truly hope the therapy will help with the doom spiral. If you're on meds, perhaps they can be tweaked.
Your feelings are your feelings. No one can "judge" feelings as good, bad, silly or whatever. All feelings are valid. But feelings are like weather. The weather can change. And also, you can put on a raincoat, or short shorts, or a puffer coat, as needed.
I know this thread has been going on for a while, but it might help to use nicknames for B and the new guy. I'll go with Berry for your gf and Apple for her new bf.
We posted above at the same time. Thanks for more info. This is complicated, with the pretty much completely unmanaged emotional distress and mental illness on both sides. Others said earlier that it's not fair to not encourage people with mental illness to start new relationships, but when self harm is happening on both sides, plus suicidal ideation and attempts on at least Berry's side, adding a new person to the mix just makes things worse. It's not really fair to Apple to invite him in to this, when it's increasing harmful behaviors, and also making your own relationship less fulfilling.
It could seem like she's running to him to escape her scary feelings. But obviously it's not working, as she felt compelled to call YOU in the middle of the night when she was having a downward mood swing.
Good. Because not just men with mental illness, but many men in general, feel that they need sex to feel connected, but women can't be expected to dispense sex like they are a toaster, any time the man wants toast.
It's been a high high and now it's a low low. Everything is extra with BPD people.
So that's why Eggshells pointed out things about yourself! Now I get it. You might have the same issues Berry does.
Hang in there.
She needs me to in times like this. She has a lot of sexual abuse in her past going all the way back to early childhood so her ptsd is very easily triggered when her bpd gets too much. Something as simple as my hand touching her hair, bare skin etc can set off panic attacks when things are as bad as they have been.
100% it wasn't a signal she was ready for sex.
Fair and I know its a rookie error
Im hoping she doesn't forget everything we have together in the midst of all the NRE but it feels like she is.
Yeah, fair enough. Berry and Apple are fine.
I do think escapism is part of it, yes. She did turn to him for minor problems that arose, but the big trigger at night was something from her past that only a handful of people, including me, know about.
Yeah, exactly. I know that for various reasons we are misaligned at the moment with sex drive, etc., and I never ever want her to feel forced or obligated with me.
I do suspect I may have the same or similar issues as her, tbh, as a lot of what I read in the Eggshells book fitted both of us.