Am I being oversensitive or taken advantage of?

J

Jezzara

New member
Hi everyone. My partner and I have been together just over 3 years. She is poly. I had only been in mono relationships up until meeting her. I had been ENM for several years prior to us meeting, and still am now.

She already had a partner when we met, but due to geographical issues, he isn't around in person a lot. It took me a little while to be fully OK with everything, as I'd no experience of polyamorous relationships prior to meeting her, and I'd suffered a lot of emotional and mental abuse in my previous relationship, including being cheated on, which, unfortunately, means that my head is very mean at times and interprets poly things as cheating on occasion, something I have worked very hard over the years not to do. I have watched, read, etc., a lot of different things to better understand the polyamorous mindset and be a supportive partner with her lifestyle needs.

Recently we moved in together, with both sets of our kids. Shortly after this, she met someone new. She's had dates, etc., with other people over our relationship, that for different reasons didn't pan out, but with this one she instantly caught feelings and has been enjoying really intense NRE. I'm struggling with jealousy/envy quite badly, which I am working on, and have been reeducating myself to break some old monogamous mindsets I'd fallen back into, by virtue of the fact we've been predominantly monogamous, with some joint swinging, throughout our relationship to date.

I'm finding I'm noticing how much she's glued to her phone, ignoring me when I try and have a conversation, because she's wrapped up in texting. She gushes about him frequently. I have asked her to share things with me to the extent that seems appropriate, as I want to normalise everything, but at times it feels like she is obsessed with him and I don't really matter. They've only known each other irl for a couple of weeks (I don't know how long they were messaging on dating sites prior to meeting), have already slept with each other (which is ok, as we'd had boundary discussions prior to that date and agreed that as long as protection was used I'd be OK with it).

It just feels that, at the moment, I'm being used, as I feel ignored when she's at home due to the distraction of her phone and messaging him. She often falls asleep, leaving me to deal with the kids alone, and clean up the house in the evening. Due to medical issues, she needs me to help with getting medications, etc., or doing odd jobs to help her, as she is unable to.

I spoke about wanting a date night on Friday so we could reconnect. She agreed, but has seemed ambivalent about it, rather than excited, and yet is seeing him on Sunday and is really excited. It's stirring up a lot of negative reminders of how my marriage broke down due to my ex cheating. My partner's behaviour atm is triggering the same feelings and anxiety that my ex wife's behaviour did when she was having the affair. I feel more like a carer/just of use when I can do something for her at the moment, and that he's her only focus. I have found myself wanting to read her messages, etc., something I know is a huge no no, and I am fighting the impulse because it's just wrong.

Am I being an oversensitive idiot that should just ride out her NRE, or is she actually taking me for granted, like it feels?
 
Part of NRE has to be ridden out. That being said, it's up to your partner to listen and recognize that their behavior has changed and do the work to ensure you feel loved. They are also responsible for taking care of their responsibilities, kids, chores and you.

So speak up. Let her know how you feel when she is unenthusiastic about quality time with you, but the opposite with him. Let her know the specific ways she isn't showing up and that she has to do that. Let her know you won't be her maid or a single parent as long as you are together and if she continues to treat you and the kids as such, you'll take them and leave. Both you and the kids deserve better.

She can date and have her other relationships, but not at your, the household's or the kids' expense.
 
Bobbi said:
Part of NRE has to be ridden out. That being said, it's up to your partner to listen and recognize that their behavior has changed and do the work to ensure you feel loved. They are also responsible for taking care of their responsibilities, kids, chores and you.

Let her know how you feel when she is unenthusiastic about quality time with you, but the opposite with him. Let her know the specific ways she isn't showing up. Let her know you won't be her maid or a single parent as long as you are together, and if she continues to treat you and the kids as such, you'll take them and leave. Both you and the kids deserve better. She can have her other relationships, but not at your, the household's or kids' expense.
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Thank you. I've spoken to her about not being present already and she told me she was sorry and would try harder, but nothing seems to have changed.

I've tried talking about my feelings since this new relationship started, but she says I'm just making her feel shit by pointing out all her flaws, which could be as much my fault for how I'm delivering the message, despite me trying to be neutral in tone.


Our date night is tonight so I'll see how she is then. I'm hoping she'll have the decency to stay off her phone and be with me, not wishing she was with him.
 

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

You could put this in front of her. Then it's something that can be discussed as a common phenomenon rather than her shit behaviour (which is shit, make no mistake there.)
 
Evie said:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

You could put this in front of her. Then it's something that can be discussed as a common phenomenon rather than her shit behaviour (which is shit, make no mistake there.)
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Thank you. I just read through it and that sounds like exactly what I'm.going through and how it feels I'm being treated. I'll try and find a good time to bring it up with her and show her it, without it becoming an "ambush," etc.
 
If at all possible, keep your date night fun, and your poly talks separate to that.
 
Evie said:
If at all possible, keep your date night fun, and your poly talks separate to that.
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I was planning on trying to avoid saying anything at all about it tonight. I'm desperate to ask 1000 questions, but I don't want all our quality time to just be talking about someone else.

I think part of why I'm struggling is I see the NRE she's having and it reminds me that we don't have that anymore, so I'm hoping to rekindle a bit of it tonight.
 
I wish you all the very best with that rekindling. She may be a little too deep in NRE to be able to be a great date, but hopefully she can remember how to be a good one.
 
Evie said:
I wish you all the very best with that rekindling. She may be a little too deep in NRE to be able to be a great date, but hopefully she can remember how to be a good one.
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I'll try and not take everything to heart. I understand that she's excited, etc., and I'm maybe being over-sensitive at times. We've never been in the position where someone is properly looking like joining the dynamic before, and I'm definitely finding that way harder than being the one that joined.
 
Evie said:
If at all possible, keep your date night fun, and your poly talks separate to that.
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Why? If he wants to use date night to get her undivided attention and air a pretty major grievance that could put the relationship in a death spiral, I don’t see the downside. Isn’t sort of disingenuous to have these issues, and act like they don’t exist, or watch them play out during the date and smile and say nothing? Honest communication?

I don’t get why the OP should worry about pointing out legit flaws or NRE conduct that’s unbecoming. YOUR FEELING MATTER TOO!!!!! "Sorry not sorry. This isn’t an ambush. Here’s an article you need to read, because it articulates a lot of what I’m feeling, and I didn’t sign up to feel shitty most of the time."
 
As much as he doesn't like to remember it now, my husband really struggled at first too. And I was a nightmare with being on my phone. But we reached a new normal and now it's just... well, normal.
 
Why, Dinged? Because sometimes it's just really important to remember that you enjoy each other's company. And that's more likely to happen when you're not having hard conversations.
 
Evie said:
As much as he doesn't like to remember it now, my husband really struggled at first too. And I was a nightmare with being on my phone. But we reached a new normal and now it's just... well, normal.
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That’s the answer: "I was a nightmare with being on my phone, and I still am. Fuck it. You just have suck it up, accept the new normal." Really?
 
Evie said:
Why, Dinged? Because sometimes it's just really important to remember that you enjoy each other's company. And that's more likely to happen when you're not having hard conversations.
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You seem to be missing or ignoring key elements of this story. If he’s the only one on the designated “date night“ that remembers that they once enjoyed each other company on dates, how does that sustain the relationship? She’s not excited for their date, in relation to her other date. Why should the OP carry the “relationship load“ if he's not feeling it from her, OR this is a major topic that needs to be aired?

I’m not advocating that every date night be a check-in on feelings, but I don’t think stuffing your feelings and/or NRE grievances or neglect because the google calendar says date night (sacred date night) seems completely fake and phony. I’ll ask again, open and honest communication?

QUESTION: should any spouse suffering from poly hell be uber-concerned about the timing of announcing their thoughts, feelings, situations? When’s a good time to share that news?

IMO, moods are super-contagious. I could see more pain and resentment from ignoring this than sacrificing one date night (if having a hard conversation means sacrificing the date night) for the greater good. And it’s been my experience that some of the hard conversations end with people feeling much better and closer in the end, so I don’t automatically subscribe to it will ruin date night/date time. It certainly depends on what is or was planned for the time.
 
dingedheart said:
That’s the answer I was a nightmare with being on my phone and I still am ….fuck it you just have suck it up …except the new normal ? Really ???
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No, I'm not on my phone all the time when I'm with Adam, or anyone else. Stop putting words in my mouth.
 
So, date night nearly didn't happen. She's been feeling under the weather, and her sister has been admitted to hospital tonight with a chest infection. So she's understandably distracted and down. I'm trying my best to cheer her up.

She's been messaging the new guy in the car on the way out, which is fine, I guess, as it's not like we weren't talking at the same time. Went for a drink and she was understandably still distracted by her sister. Had a cuddle, etc., and then, as we were leaving, she messaged him and sent a photo of her drink! I pointed it out and said I didn't have a problem her messaging him when she goes for a smoke, toilet, etc., which, to be fair, she apologised and hasn't done it since.

Had a lovely meal and now having more drinks before we play mini golf. Feeling a lot more coupley now. I'm still apprehensive, but this has helped, I think.
 
Evie said:
No, I'm not on my phone all the time when I'm with Adam, or anyone else. Stop putting words in my mouth.
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First off, I thought your reply, the one in question, was to me and not to the OP.

Secondly, here’s how I read it. Adam, for whatever reasons, doesn’t like to admit he struggled with poly and/or intrusions such as constant texting in the early days. And you confess to being a nightmare on your phone. I took nightmare to mean heavy-to-serious overuse when in the same space. Your next sentence sort of glosses over any corrective measures anyone took, and starts with "… But we reached a new normal and now it’s just… well, normal." It left me wondering if he was hypersensitive and or super insecure in those early days, and that through continual desensitization it just doesn’t bother him anymore… A la, the new normal.
 
Hey Jezzara

That's an eventful 24 hours, I hope the sister gets better quickly!

Good on you for standing up for yourself and phone use when out and about with you doing couple-y stuff. I'm glad you got dinner, drinks and mini golf together 😊

Dinged, the corrective measures were over time and involved understanding and compromise on both parts. Behaviours and attitudes changed all around. I would not describe Adam as hypersensitive or super insecure. It was just a breaking of the old monogamous ways of thinking/relationship and rebuilding a polyamorous relationship. It was an adjustment and now it's just our normal. I would like to believe that Jezzara and his partner can build their new normal, too.
 
The rest of the evening was a lot of fun and we came home feeling a bit more like the old us. I know that won't necessarily stay that way for long, but it's nice to know we can still have that when the effort is put in.

I had one minor wobble, but reflected pretty quickly and realised I was almost certainly being oversensitive. We finished mini golf, and on the walk back to the car she casually said about how she wants to go back with the new guy for a date there as she thinks he'd enjoy it. I was hurt and then immediately thought, "No, you're being silly. It doesn't actually effect you, and there's no reason she shouldn't do that. It's not like you can expect her to never go somewhere you've been together, as that's not fair on her or him."

I think I am going to need a lot more reassurance in the early stages, something she can be both fantastic and terrible at, in order to avoid feeling left behind. It's still so weird and scary having someone enter our bubble. But with time, I'm sure it'll get easier. Doesn't it?

We spoke about my feelings and wants to explore my ENM more, as I'd suppressed it when we got together. Also, I'm curious to see if I am in any way made for polyamory, which she has promised to help and support me in discovering. We just need to figure out a time to discuss properly.
 
I'm glad you two went out and had a more-or-less focused quality-time date. I do think it was insensitive of her to post a pic of her drink to her new bf, and to mention wanting to take him to the mini golf place. One learns over time to be more discreet. We will have thoughts about our OSO, when on dates with another one. But we can control ourselves and not immediately spill those thoughts out onto the one we are with.

Like, what if you were on a special Daddy/daughter date, or Daddy/son date, and you mentioned that you couldn't wait to take the other sibling out to where you'd gone? Or if you went somewhere with your grandma and told her point blank that you'd like to take your spouse there? I mean, depending on other factors, this could be met with bad feelings, or it could just blow over. But, imo, it's still rude. It indicates you're not focused on the person at hand.

Good luck showing her the poly hell article. You can reserve a time for a talk, and not just spring it on her when she's not feeling well or is distracted. I wonder how experienced she is at polyamory if she doesn't understand how to control her NRE!

As for your wanting to rekindle NRE with her, you can't. You have the advantage of an established relationship. I call the feeling we should strive for "ERI," established relationship intimacy, where the people know each other well, and have a fuller deeper appreciation for each other. NRE is based on being strangers, the mere novelty of it all.

Next, your "ENM" status: do you mean swinging? Both polyamory and swinging are under the "ethical non-monogamy" umbrella. It sounds like you're comfortable with the "sport sex, but no feelings allowed" aspect of swinging, but not comfortable at all with your nesting partner's polyamory. You and she have done some swinging. Maybe you'd like her to do more of that with you, and focus less on dating on her own, one-on-one with others.

You might want to look at more of our resources, here:


I'd recommend starting with the book Opening Up, which covers both swinging and polyamory, and explains the differences, and how to cope with the changes.
 
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