Am I being unreasonable?

A

afireinaleo

New member
So again I am brand new to polyamory and I was the secondary to a married couple. We hit a situation where an mutual friend flirted with her and I let her know I would not be okay with her getting together with that particular person. I did not handle it with any grace what so ever though. I did come to realize that and I said sorry but then I did say I think I would like to talk about it before things happened with mutual acquaintances so we know each others feels on the matter. I would never say no that can not happen but just so she and I could know our feeling and make a decision based on that whether to go forward or to not. Since then we have broken up but are still trying to have a relationship. Since I got so much great advice on my last post I thought I'd ask you guys again. What do you all think?
 
I'm sorry you and your gf hit a snag. I recall she's try to conceive and you were concerned about that.

What do you mean by, you've broken up, but are still trying to have a relationship?
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm sorry you and your gf hit a snag. I recall she's try to conceive and you were concerned about that.

What do you mean by, you've broken up, but are still trying to have a relationship?
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We have broken up and she wants to start from square one. She thinks we dove into our relationship too fast and doesn't want things to end badly given her past poly relationships.
 
Hi afireinaleo,

It was unreasonable to handle the initial problem without any grace, however it is reasonable to suggest you discuss each other's feelings with each other before starting a new relationship. Mind you, reasonable doesn't mean she is obligated to agree to your idea. You will just have to run it past her and see what she thinks.

I hope your second try at this relationship works out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I completely agree with that. I have ran it past her. She doesn't like that idea of communicating before hand to find out how her or I would feel about the situation. Again only to people that we know mutually. She agreed that she would tell me after but yeah I just feel like that completely disregards how I would feel about it.
 
It seems that she wants an arrangement with more freedom and autonomy -- perhaps more so than what you would feel comfortable with. This is a point of incompatibility between the two of you, and you might have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. It doesn't sound like she's willing to change her mind on this point.
 
The thing to realize is that she doesn't cause your feelings, your own thoughts do. It would be better for you to figure out your thoughts process and find out what it is that's in you that triggers negative thoughts when she dates others.

What is the story in your head that makes you feel so negative? That she doesn't really love you? If she loved you she wouldn't want to date or hook up with others? That she's using you? That you aren't good enough, smart enough, fit enough, good looking enough, have sexy enough body parts, etc? Something within you is telling you to feel horrible about this...is it religious programming, unrealized slut shaming? Ideas of what your relationship SHOULD look like? What is it?

Figuring this out will make it easier to confront
 
That's what it does sound like.
Bobbi said:
The thing to realize is that she doesn't cause your feelings, your own thoughts do. It would be better for you to figure out your thoughts process and find out what it is that's in you that triggers negative thoughts when she dates others.

What is the story in your head that makes you feel so negative? That she doesn't really love you? If she loved you she wouldn't want to date or hook up with others? That she's using you? That you aren't good enough, smart enough, fit enough, good looking enough, have sexy enough body parts, etc? Something within you is telling you to feel horrible about this...is it religious programming, unrealized slut shaming? Ideas of what your relationship SHOULD look like? What is it?

Figuring this out will make it easier to confront
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It really just comes down to communication for me. I would never feel those things towards anyone. I am a very open person and like to think I'm pretty logical. For instance, I would never want to get with a person she doesn't like personally, only because I feel like that would turn her off towards me.
 
afireinaleo said:
It really just comes down to communication for me.
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My head will go places even if my thoughts are that I love him, he loves me, I am okay with this and don't feel insecure. But yes, I talk to him immediately.

Having these conversations used to be so contrary to me as it's my problem and I don't want to dump stuff on him that I should be taking care of myself. I also wanted to appear strong or totally okay with what's going on. I did find, however, that talking about it right away made it immediately go away. If I didn't bring it up to my partner, or didn't talk about what was really my issue (thinking it was one thing, but it really was something totally different) it continued to eat at me.
afireinaleo said:
I would never feel those things towards anyone.
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Those weren't feelings, those are thoughts. You obviously are having some thoughts that make you have negative feelings about her seeing specific people, otherwise you'd be fine with it.

That being said, relationships do usually come up with a messy list that partners stay away from. Usually things like other partners, co workers, family, exes, etc. usually acquaintances are so far removed that they are fine. What makes acquaintences so uncomfortable to you?
 
afireinaleo said:
. I am a very open person and like to think I'm pretty logical
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You cannot logic your way out of feelings...that's my point. If you are trying to do that you will be unsuccessful.
afireinaleo said:
I would never want to get with a person she doesn't like personally, only because I feel like that would turn her off towards me.
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You would think that but reality is, you are attracted to whom you are attracted. You are two different people. She is drawn to people you might not be drawn to...maybe even repulsed by. If you want to control who she dates based on your feelings you should just admit now that she's never going to date anyone. Super rare is to find someone she is attracted to, who is also attracted to her, is also poly, is also willing to date married woman who is also approved by her husband.

Needle in a haystack. I could see if they had severe mental health issues, addiction is was abusive but I'm hoping you trust her enough to choose a quality partner. But her finding someone to your approval that doesn't make you feel the ick.....that really is your own problem.

What standards would make you feel comfortable? Taller than you, shorter than you, bigger or smaller dick than you, prettier or uglier than you? Or do you want her to find someone more like you? What is it that makes your skin crawl? Do you see her attraction to someone you dislike in some way as a reflection on you?

I've had this happen...I didn't like it at all and yes, initially I did think less of my partner because of my ick....then I spent time with that person and found in their personality pieces of myself and saw why my partner was attracted to them.

You may want to try this as well, but you have to be open to really seeing the special qualities this person has.
 
Bobbi said:
My head will go places even if my thoughts are that I love him, he loves me, I am okay with this and don't feel insecure. But yes, I talk to him immediately.

Having these conversations used to be so contrary to me as it's my problem and I don't want to dump stuff on him that I should be taking care of myself. I also wanted to appear strong or totally okay with what's going on. I did find, however, that talking about it right away made it immediately go away. If I didn't bring it up to my partner, or didn't talk about what was really my issue (thinking it was one thing, but it really was something totally different) it continued to eat at me.
Those weren't feelings, those are thoughts. You obviously are having some thoughts that make you have negative feelings about her seeing specific people, otherwise you'd be fine with it.

That being said, relationships do usually come up with a messy list that partners stay away from. Usually things like other partners, co workers, family, exes, etc. usually acquaintances are so far removed that they are fine. What makes acquaintences so uncomfortable to you?
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It's not uncomfortable for me at all for acquaintances. But would you not be turned off by your significant other sleeping with someone you do not like or are not comfortable with? I really can't put a finger on it but yeah it bothers me to know if someone I love goes and hooks up with someone they know I do not like or if I didn't know about it and finding out later by word of mouth because people always talk would be really disappointing for me.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

We hit a situation where an mutual friend flirted with her and I let her know I would not be okay with her getting together with that particular person.
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Who is this person? Your best friend?

Maybe you and her agree on "messy people lists."

Like if it was us, I don't want you dating my parents or siblings, my boss or direct reports, no roomies, and no best friend. Past that date who you want. In exchange I won't date your messy list. Because there's enough people in the world to date without going right for the ones that would make it weird and messy. Can you imagine your partner dating you and also your mom or your boss? That would make things really weird and messy right?

I really can't put a finger on it but yeah it bothers me to know if someone I love goes and hooks up with someone they know I do not like or if I didn't know about it and finding out later by word of mouth because people always talk would be really disappointing for me.
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There will be times where your partner picks out people you don't care for. You have to learn to deal with it. You might date people they don't care for. They will have to deal with it. There's nothing wrong with parallel poly.

But if you can avoid the super duper messy/weird ones, dealing with these others may become easier.

Galagirl
 
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