Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

She might find that we are tolerant when she writes her version of what is going on. She might find it helpful to do that. I'm sure all of us would be open to hearing it. How would we know it's her if she wrote, unless she says? We get threads on here all the time from people that are cheating. It wouldn't be any different...
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Thanks, RP. I agree that it would probably be hugely helpful to her, if not now, at least in the long run. I am certain that she would find some great mentors here that could help her on her journey. No doubt all of you would be gentle, especially knowing what she's going through.
 
Well, it's been a lifetime since I updated. It's been nothing but an ever-worsening trainwreck. Nora ruined things with Nick by screwing around with his best friend. She has been dating crazy guys from ashleymadison.com, too.

My mom passed away on October 8th.

Nora managed to be with Nick the night my mom died, after we got into a heated argument and I left. (We're living separately now.)

I'm pretty confident she's now lying to me about who she is with. She hasn't shown any interest in me since August, maybe. She insists she's poly (bullshit) and needs this, but she loves me and wants me. I call bullshit on the poly because her behaviour is anything but loving. She's dating like crazy, and prefers the lack of attachment with married men.

She keeps saying things like she does it to 'feel' and she doesn't know how to be friends with anyone without sex.

I recently took an online mental evaluation, and answered as if I were her, came out borderline personality disorder/narcissist/schizoid. While granted, it's online, it made a lot of sense. I don't think it's poly at all, so much as just a way for her to harm herself. Some of these internet guys she's even meeting for the first time at her apartment.

Additionally, she's done some pretty radically stupid, self-destructive other crap. I'm sincerely worried for her health and safety, while trying to find some balance, where I can stay behind the proverbial safety glass. I've reached out to her family with zero luck. I've begged her to get therapy. Again, nothing...

There has obviously been a truckload of drama since my last post. I just don't have the strength or heart to rehash it all.
 
Oh, that sounds terrible.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

I'm glad you're not living with Nora anymore. That buffer is better for you. We're here if you need to vent. I hope things look up soon.
 
Oh, there is something not right with her. She is not doing well. Neither are you, as a result.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Loss from many angles, really. *hugs*
 
Thanks, guys.

I really do think she needs help. I've spared you a lot of the details, but every day is a new trauma/drama. I tried my best, but I just have to back off. She keeps asking me to go out, or come over, and every time I put my foot down. But then I get weak and see her.

It usually amounts to a fight. I think I've had three real kisses in the last two months.

A mutual friend thinks she is going to keep pushing to get me back, and have her party life. I've told her repeatedly no, but the more I try and stick to it, the harder she pushes. Frankly, I love her so much, and I'm so mentally weak right now, with all the other stuff. I have a real hard time saying no.

She's going to see her brother next weekend, under the guise of telling him what's been happening, I dont believe she will tell him the WHOLE truth. I can only hope he points her in right direction. I've tried reaching out to her mom, sister in law, and lastly her brother. The family has some wierd "dont get involved" code of ethics.

I really think she needs therapy. She's told me she's been calling trying to get appointments, but I think it's just to shut me up. She's also taken to lying to me, which NEVER would have happened in the old days. We'd always been totally candid and honest with each other, no matter how painful.

In September, Nora went to Nick's Labor Day Party, and managed to get so offensively drunk Maya almost called cops. She hooked up very publicly with Nick's best friend, which infuriated Nick. There was other disgusting lewd, very public behavior on her part.

A few weeks later, I learned her antics were the talk of the town. Somehow it came up through a third party who'd witnessed it and was at another friend's house laughing about it, not knowing the friend knows us (has known me since I was 15).

She went on to have quickies with Nick's best friend regularly for awhile. That didn't work. He just wanted to shag; she wanted a friend.

In our numerous discussions, she tells me she's doing it to 'feel,' and she has no idea how to be a friend without having sex involved.

One of my prerequisites, along with therapy, for us ever getting together, is she needs one real friend.

She made friends with one of Nick's former flings, out of a mutual hurt. I had hope for awhile. After a few weeks she wound up cybering with this girl's crush, and ruined the opportunity for a friend.

There's also a third bf. She claims she hasn't slept with him. I know she's lying, because he happens to be a friend of Maya's.

Keeping up?

Let's see. Now she's dating like mad these guys she meets on ashleymadison.com, a website to hook up married cheaters, some of whom she's having come to her apartment for first dates.

All the while she's telling me she wants to work on us!
 
To be honest, you are making this mess worse. You keep going back to her. She has 0 reason to change.

Yes, she needs counselling, but you are holding on really tight to a slowly-sinking ship.

In our numerous discussions she tells me she's doing it to 'feel,' and she has no idea how to be a friend without having sex involved.
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The most notable thing you have written. Regardless of your relationship, she needs help badly. If this is true, she has some serious problems.
 
Ariakas, I completely agree with both points. I almost feel like it's turned into some sort of war of wills. I keep telling her I won't see her until therapy; she pushes; I fall off the proverbial wagon. I know I'm screwing up by seeing her. I don't deny it at all.

Last Tuesday was Mom's wake. I spent first two hours of my day fighting with her, because Nick was not welcome. I gave up arguing with her. I called him and lit into him, and he, wisely, did not show up. But the male 'friend' that I'm certain she's lying about did. I let it go. I had enough on my plate.

My mom's funeral was Wednesday. Nora kinda acted like a wife for the day.

Thursday she returned to work, and had an overnight guest.

Friday I met up with a bunch of friends for cocktails. Nora came along, left for a few hours, because she wasn't comfortable, and came back to give me a ride home. We had yet another argument on the way home.

Saturday and Sunday she stayed home, possibly even alone.

I think she met a cyber guy or two on Monday.

Tuesday we had pre-arranged tickets to a cooking class. We had yet another fight.

Wednesday she had a date with the 'friend' I am certain she's lying about.

Yesterday she met a new cyber guy for drinks. I know she went home early.

Each day, she keeps asking to make plans for dinner, which I just ignore, and ask if she's gotten a therapy appointment yet.
 
DazednConfused said:
Last Tuesday was mom's wake, I spent first two hours of my day fighting with her about Nick not being welcome I gave up arguing with her. I called him and lit into him. He, wisely, did not show up.
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I am flabbergasted by this. What a completely and utterly selfish person. I have no words to say how offended I am for your relationship.

I think I am out of advice. I wouldn't ever let that disrespect stand. Your mom's wake, your choice to have it be as respectful as you need it to be, so you can say good bye. Having her fuck buddy there is pure 100% ignorance.

This must be destroying your self esteem. I am sorry if you have mentioned this, but have you sought counselling? I obviously can't tell you what to do. I have no idea why you are still involved. Love is not enough to put up with this, imo. You are getting nothing out of this relationship.

I am sorry for your loss. It is always sad to lose someone in your life you treasure. I don't know the type of woman your mom was, but maybe take some of the strength she had in life to lift you up and give you the strength you need.

Best of luck with this continuing saga.
 
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Yeah, I was pretty pissed off, too. It even got into, "What's his wife gonna say? You know she wants to see you." The conversation got ugly. It was mind-boggling to even deal with that day. The funny thing is, when I did call him, he obviously knew I was serious. I told him, since he fucked her the night Mom died, Ireally didnt want to see him there. He was so hammered that night (Friday) he didn't even really remember it at first. LOSER.

I am going to get some counseling myself. My plate is too full right now. I'm trying to get Mom's final affairs in order. As soon as that settles, I'm definitely going to talk to someone. Not only is my self-esteem crushed, but I'm so damn embarrassed. All my friends are reaching out, and I'm too humiliated to spend time with them.
 
At this point, I have no more thoughts or advice. I have nothing more to offer than my consolations and support. *hugs*

Until now, I have been unable to reach out to her, as her actions trigger me so much, but I've come to a place where I feel I could be supportive and a listening ear, if she ever wants a friend.

You and I have talked of FB quite a bit. I have seen pictures of her and we have chatted back and forth. I feel I could empathize now. I know something of what she is going through, a tiny bit anyway, and I would be glad to talk to her, if she is interested. Other than that, know that you have a friend in me, and I am here for you if you need an ear.
 
Dear Dazed,

My young adult daughter is borderline and I see her behaviors in your (soon to be?) ex.

They don't think the way typical people like you and I do. They do engage in dangerous behavior (sex with strangers, substance abuse, self harm [cutting], bulimia), and also lie to, manipulate and steal from their loved ones.

They can also be very charming, funny and loving when in the mood. They are often very artistic. That's how they hook you and keep you trying to bail them out time after time.

My daughter (22 now) had a very nice, stable, hard-working, supportive (and damn good looking) bf for 2 yrs, but as she got sicker, she began to resent him for watching over her too much, policing her. She finally broke up with HIM. And I was glad for him she did.

PM me if you want to talk privately about how her dad and I cope.
 
Wow. Just wow.

I keep wondering if this situation is so completely out of your control, that you can't hope to influence it no matter what you do.

I'm so sorry about your mom, and for you having to deal with this craziness and disrespect at the wake, etc.

*hugs*

Here's hoping you can take care of yourself.
 
Sending condolences, love and hugs. Sorry that things are so hard right now. Please take care of yourself. You will get through this!
 
Where is the line between healthy and...?

Some of you know my current disaster.

My most recent question is, how do you know if it's polyamory? I was in my first true relationship. My wife Nora decided she was poly. We have since gone our separate ways.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not anti-poly. Nora handled things poorly. How do I, can I, ever decern if she is truly poly, or utilizing the term for some other unhealthy behaviour?

She claimed to be poly, but behaves in a much more addictive, unloving, unkind, borderline manner. How do I figure out if these are newbie sans mentor issues, if or she is in fact, just off her rocker? Her behaviour seems to fall into a pattern that the less caring the partner is, the more she falls, and the more caring the partner (me) is, the further she runs. She seems to be spiraling into a self-hatred abyss.

It seems to me that this isn't a true loving polyamorous nature. One of her most recent escapades has started taking money from her. I'm disgusted by this. This jerk is 12 years her senior. We are no longer together, as she committed herself to her new relationships, and kicked me to the proverbial curb.

I guess I'm looking for some sort of validation that this behaviour is what will make her happy, and that she's not had some kind of mental break. I believe is the case.

Again, I'm not against polyamory, or swinging, or any kind of alternative relationship, if done with respect for oneself and one's partner.
 
Having followed the situation, I can say with certainty that whatever your wife is doing, it is not poly. Not in any way, shape, or form. Even from the beginning, her stated intent never jibed with the basic idea behind polyamory.

I wish I could give you some peace of mind, but you're not going to find the answer you're looking for. She's lost something along the way that only she will be able to decide to find again, and until then there's nothing anyone can do for her.

Please continue to keep yourself safe.
 
I have not been following the whole situation, but from your description of it, I will say nope, no sir, this is definitely not polyamory. She is not demonstrating nearly enough love, respect and consideration for herself or for you.

Now I'll throw down some thoughts I think apply.

When someone is endangering themselves, or others, seek professional assistance immediately.

People may say anything, but actions reveal the heart. Listen to what someone says, but trust what they do.

People change their behavior when it no longer works for them, and generally not before.
 
Dazed, I was hoping you might PM me, since I see so much of my daughter in your wife. But if you see this, I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously in learning how to protect my heart and boundaries around loving a person cursed with borderline personality disorder, or BPD:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a newly-diagnosed mental health diagnosis, and still misunderstood by the medical community. This book is so helpful when you feel overwhelmed and hurt by having a loved one struggling with this awful disease. Please look it up on Amazon.
 
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