Am I getting better or worse? (cheating wife)

Never too old...

I guess what I'm wondering is, will I be able to gain acceptance over time, or will it always be this hellish? Am I pushing myself too far, to our detriment? I'm just so damned frustrated. Sometimes it's easy, and others it's the most painful thing I've ever felt.

Any advice on coping/gaining acceptance?
 
Wow

I don't have any insight to offer about your last post, Dazed, but I did want to reiterate what some others have posted. Nora and Nick have acted with tremendous selfishness and hurtfulness throughout this affair. You seem to be acting with enormous restraint, despite the pain.

I also want to affirm something you appear already to be doing. Going slowly.

This whole situation is so life-changing. If I read you right, what you really need is time to think and adjust. And it's so hard to think clearly when so much is changing.

It's hard for me to think that trust can be regained, at this point, or that Nora won't be this disrespectful again in the future. But I'm not in your shoes, or her shoes. Probably nobody but you can figure these things out.

If it were me, I would stall, for time to think. Then make the best decision you can about your future, listening to both your head and your heart.

My heart goes out to you.
 
Last edited:
Thank you. I really am breaking every paradigm I hold true in this. It's funny, if they were just swinging, I would not care less. It's this whole relationship behaviour that's so excruciatingly painful.

Nora has been so strong, trying to be fair, and yet she's been quite cloddish at times. She has a substantial heart, but has a much stronger self-preservation instinct than I do. I wish I knew how to help her more, but, it's taking everything I have, and then some, to try to stay calm and loving.

I tried to find a poly-friendly therapist in my area today. Batted zero.

So so far, I'm reading The Ethical Slut, and looking for mentors/advice/and a bitch board here. What else can I do to empower myself to handle this best for all three of us? While I am completely annoyed by the bf choice, I know Nick, and in some odd way feel obligated to treat him with as much dignity as I can. Hell, he would have made a great buddy before this. In turn, I want to make sure everyone is careful to impact his family as little as possible.

Carrying all this is just a lot. Any muscle-building ideas would be hugely appreciated.
 
Have you directed Nora here? Could you send her some links to stuff that might help? Is she open at all to anything but her own agenda? And his? Any sort of sane information?
 
I finally got her to crack The Ethical Slut. She's not a reader, and frankly, kind of busy playing both ends. 😕 Opening the book was a huge step.

I've sent Nora some links, and the forum info here. She even gave this forum to a friend who is beginning to process his polyamory. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me a lot. She seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that I've said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balancing the help I need.
 
DazednConfused said:
I've sent Nora some links, and the forum info here, she even gave this forum to a friend who is beginning to process his poly. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me a lot, she seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that Ive said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balancing the help I need.
Click to expand...

Hmm... my first thought was, well, that's selfish. Nora needs to be making an effort, too. She should be trying to learn and work on her own towards something that meshes with you.

My second thought-- my wife, regardless of what I put in front of her, figured it all out on her own. I would communicate *my* lessons and revelations to her. Every month or so, she would come storming back with a progression that impressed me each time, sometimes blowing past what I had learned. She was working, naturally, through everything.

Everyone's learning styles and communication styles are different. You may want to figure those out before trying to get her to learn a way she may not like or even be capable of.
 
I think as long as she continues to work through this process with no regard for her wife's feelings, you're going to suffer. :(

I don't like that you're being nice.
 
Wow, so, rollercoaster! Yesterday was great, we talked, went out for dinner, came home for wine, movies, snuggles. It was almost like we were new again. We're in bed at end of night and she gets a text. I know it's from Nick. I just say, "Go ahead." Nora says, "No, it's either good night, or he wants me to meet him. I'm with my wife." She then tells me that she realizes they are always worried about Maya, and just because I know about them doesn't mean I should be treated like an asshole.

I feel like, for the first time, she might be able to walk the talk. We might have a chance.
 
Yeah, it feels like progress. I'm just not sure. We went to another Lawn Fete Saturday with Nick and Maya and another friend. We were all drinking, and Nora was incessantly flirting with Maya (groping, dancing). I believe it was all in good silly fun, didn't take it seriously at all. However, the little dark thoughts keep creeping into my head. Is she going to want Maya, too? Honestly, I felt bad for Nick. The other friend has an obvious crush on him, he's there, she's there, my wife, me, and his wife. I wouldn't have spent the night in his shoes for anything.

I'm really not sure if I'm growing more accepting, or if I'm just not caring as much. I hate to over-analyze myself, but I really can't stop it. Nora is doing her first 5k run this Saturday. I really wanted to be there for her first effort to support her, but found out yesterday that Nick is running it with her. :(

It's also the anniversary of a loved one's death. It's going to be a hard enough day. My project for the week is to try and find find a shithole corner bar close to home where I can hide on days like this.
 
Now she's flirting with Maya? Is this to please Nick? So he can fantasize about Nora with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right, somehow? Is it so Nora can somehow get with Maya, and then introduce the whole idea to Nick?

Where do you fit in with all this, anyway? I see nothing for you in any of this. I would think it makes you look like a fool.
 
Does Nora talk to you before she does anything, or does she count on you just being there? Protect your heart. I don't understand the uncaring actions of partners sometimes, poly or not. It just seems greedy, selfish and enabled by the love of their partners or perhaps their fear of being alone.

I see little in this for you. Seeing Nora happy only goes so far, in my books. This is so one-sided.

Be strong. Stay true to yourself. Make sure you are being treated the way you deserve and want, is all I am saying.
 
Nora is flirting with Maya? Is this to please Nick, so he can fantasize about Nora with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right, somehow? Is it so she can somehow get with Maya, and then introduce the whole idea to Nick?
Click to expand...

I'm really not sure. Certainly all of the above crossed my mind. In part, I think Nora knew she couldn't flirt with Nick in front of Maya, and just laid her cover on a bit too quick. She's certainly mentioned to me the threesome fantasy involving Nick and me. I've told her that if she attempts a relationship with another woman, I wouldn't be able to deal, and I'd be gone, instantly, no further discussion.

I see little in this for you. Seeing Nora happy only goes so far, in my books. This is so one-sided.
Click to expand...

Is it really even possible for it to be two-sided? I certainly have my normal life the bulk of the time, when Nick is unavailable for her, and when I'm able to just be in the moment with her, and not think too heavily about them together.
 
Yes, it's possible for it to be two-sided. Look at other people's posts on how it feels to have a metamour that they think rocks; the compersion they feel when their love gets to spend time with them; having someone to talk to when your partner is in a situation, or there are issues. All are benefits.
 
Redpepper, I'm glad you brought up compersion. I don't know if I will ever find it. Last night, we were all together at another concert (by the way, this is exhausting!). I stepped away to have a smoke, and watched them interact from a distance. The pangs of anger/jealousy and all the other 'little uglies' weren't as bad. They were there, just much more manageable. Nora truly did look happy. I don't know if I can ever feel compersion for them. I love my Nora, Nick is someone I find enjoyable to be around (as I said, we were once friends), but I just don't know if I can get there.

Have any mono/poly couples been able to survive if the mono can't get to compersion?
 
Short answer? Yes, completely. The thing is, dear Dazed, Nora is cheating. Why would one even bother to work on that? You will just have figured out how to have it, you will have invested in this man, and disaster will strike, I think. You don't like Nick, and you have very good reasons not to. His values are off-kilter and don't match with yours. Neither do Nora's at this moment. There seems to be WAY too much to sort out before getting to compersion.

It's nice Nora is happy, but you forget it's based on bullshit. It's based on the pain of others. That kind of falsehood will self-destruct, I reckon.

Bah, I think it's actually healthier for you to just tune out and go inward, rather than try to have compersion. Protect yourself first. Leave them to their own devices.

Have you confronted Nick at all about this? I would've blown up by now, and told him either he tells Maya, or you do.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top