Beloveds, I'm a bit of a mess. A hot, stressed out, super tired, heart-aching mess. I'm going to try and make this the Spark Notes version, but I warn you that brevity is not my strength. (Deep breath) Ok, here goes...
Once upon a time my husband and I made the very loving and supportive decision to open our relationship and become non-monogamous. We had a flipping Google Doc covenant to frame our needs and expectations and our communication skills were astounding. We both had meaningful relationships outside of our marriage which enhanced everything about our marriage. Yes, we were hierarchical, we have kids and neither of us wanted to get more adults involved in their lives in a parenting-ish capacity, so our marriage was somewhat closed when it came to the raising of our family, but our partners outside the marriage were totally cool with this (didn't want kids anyway, as it happened) and so we were all really happy and life was magical.
And then we got hit with awful, and I mean really crappy, issues. I basically had a mental breakdown, my stepson was ill, my grandfather passed, my husband stepped down at work, everything just became really difficult day to day and our very loving partners were supportive of our needs to draw in as husband and wife and just pull together to get through the season of shite which was upon us. It was unpleasant, but everyone understood and was supportive, even though there was hurt.
Well, the aforementioned crappy stuff has passed. My husband and I are good, everyone is healthy, life seems to be tickety-boo. But... I keep feeling like we made the wrong choice in closing ranks. I keep feeling like we've made an awful mistake. Like, our communication is only 65% of what it had been and I fell like we both have misplaced resentment about how things turned out. Neither of us blames anyone for being sick or dying or losing their job or whatever, but that doesn't mean we're not angry and hurt by it all.
And you know what? Now my husband refuses to talk about non-monogamy. It's like he's scared of it. I'm a bit scared as well, I feel like we caused so much hurt and went through so many struggles and what if we're just screwed up? What if despite the fact that we both recall feeling happier and communicating better and feeling more loved by one another, what if we now have too much "yuck" associated with that time to go back to that. What if going back to it isn't right anyway?
Are you listening to me? I'm aware I sound stressed and self-pitying and really, really, really, super pathetic. And yet all of this is buzzing around in my brain and my good friend Anxiety is sure as heck-fire not letting me work through any of it.
So please, pleeeeeeeeeeeease, share your honest thoughts. (And be so kind as to trust that my husband and I had very valid reasons to close ranks and that our partners were loving and supportive of that... some shaming based on other people's ideals of non-monogamy isn't actually helpful for me right now. Thank you, beloveds.)
Once upon a time my husband and I made the very loving and supportive decision to open our relationship and become non-monogamous. We had a flipping Google Doc covenant to frame our needs and expectations and our communication skills were astounding. We both had meaningful relationships outside of our marriage which enhanced everything about our marriage. Yes, we were hierarchical, we have kids and neither of us wanted to get more adults involved in their lives in a parenting-ish capacity, so our marriage was somewhat closed when it came to the raising of our family, but our partners outside the marriage were totally cool with this (didn't want kids anyway, as it happened) and so we were all really happy and life was magical.
And then we got hit with awful, and I mean really crappy, issues. I basically had a mental breakdown, my stepson was ill, my grandfather passed, my husband stepped down at work, everything just became really difficult day to day and our very loving partners were supportive of our needs to draw in as husband and wife and just pull together to get through the season of shite which was upon us. It was unpleasant, but everyone understood and was supportive, even though there was hurt.
Well, the aforementioned crappy stuff has passed. My husband and I are good, everyone is healthy, life seems to be tickety-boo. But... I keep feeling like we made the wrong choice in closing ranks. I keep feeling like we've made an awful mistake. Like, our communication is only 65% of what it had been and I fell like we both have misplaced resentment about how things turned out. Neither of us blames anyone for being sick or dying or losing their job or whatever, but that doesn't mean we're not angry and hurt by it all.
And you know what? Now my husband refuses to talk about non-monogamy. It's like he's scared of it. I'm a bit scared as well, I feel like we caused so much hurt and went through so many struggles and what if we're just screwed up? What if despite the fact that we both recall feeling happier and communicating better and feeling more loved by one another, what if we now have too much "yuck" associated with that time to go back to that. What if going back to it isn't right anyway?
Are you listening to me? I'm aware I sound stressed and self-pitying and really, really, really, super pathetic. And yet all of this is buzzing around in my brain and my good friend Anxiety is sure as heck-fire not letting me work through any of it.
So please, pleeeeeeeeeeeease, share your honest thoughts. (And be so kind as to trust that my husband and I had very valid reasons to close ranks and that our partners were loving and supportive of that... some shaming based on other people's ideals of non-monogamy isn't actually helpful for me right now. Thank you, beloveds.)
