Am I overreacting and being controlling? (Triad)

[audreyjeru]

Hi,

I would really like some help. It's eating me from the inside out. I'm really new to this polyamorous relationship I'm in. I've been dating this guy for 3 years now. Earlier this year, we both found out we liked another female, so we decided we'd pursue her, which is fine. I like her, he likes her and she likes us. She has been a friend for a while now, so it's not like she is someone new.

We're still working out the do's and don'ts of the relationship, and deciding where we want things to go. But I realized that I don't mind when we do things as the three of us, but when it's just the two of them, it makes me uncomfortable. I think I feel left out.

I talked to my male partner the first time it happened, because we've been together longer, and told him that I'm not comfortable with it. I've gotten used to the idea of them doing stuff together, but that's just about the non-sexual part. I'm not sure if it needs some getting used to, or if it's a complete no for me, but for now, I'm not comfortable with it, in the slightest.

So we discussed and I told him that I'm not comfortable with it and we agreed that for the moment we'd do the sexual things the three of us together. But he's done the same thing again today, and now I feel bad all over again. I know that their relationship together is as important as the relationship overall, but I don't know how to go about my feelings.

But I've arrived at a point where I'm not sure what I'm feeling anymore. I still like the both of them very much, and I like it when it's the three of us. But when they do stuff just the two of them, I feel awful and left out, to the extent that I cry.

I don't know what to do, so I need some advice. Am I overreacting? Because if we decide to be together as a triad, then I'll have to get used to them being together to that extent, but right now it makes me sick to the stomach.

Also to be clear, personally I don't initiate anything with her unless he's there, as well, because it's something I wouldn't want to be done to me. At this point I'm tired, and close to calling everything quits.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello audreyjeru,

That sounds like a really painful situation you are in, your guy says with his mouth that he will only do things with the other female when you are involved, but then he turns around and does things with her one-on-one. This puts you in a terrible position, you love your guy, but you do not want him to be treating you like this. You do not have to "feel okay" about what your male partner (and the other female) are doing, it is perfectly valid for you to have a problem with that. Do not let him tell you that you just have to get used to it. You like it when it is the three of you. That is that. You are not overreacting.

If you get to feeling differently later, that is fine, you can make adjustments then. But right now, you only want it to be the three of you, and that is okay, your male partner and the other female need to honor that. Don't let them say one thing and then do another.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let's call him "Red" and her "Blue," like generic color names. If you'd like something else, I'd be happy to change to ones you pick out.

I think you jumped in underprepared and uneducated about polyamory, so your reaction of "Ack, I'm in over my head!" is about right.

All of you need to be able to spend time alone, even just to go to work and do chores and see other friends and family. This can't be like three people joined at the hip. And each dyad needs SOME couple time on its own, for dates, and yes, to share sex, not because you are being left out, but because that is NORMAL. There needs to be time for:

• You + Red
• You + Blue
• Red + Blue

But when they do stuff just the two of them, I feel awful and left out, to the extent that I cry.

Like, go to the movies together, or like, share sex by themselves? What is "do stuff" in this sentence? It sounds like them sharing sex by themselves.

Also to be clear, personally I don't initiate anything with her unless he's there as well. Because it's something I wouldn't want to be done to me.

Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It is a thing of its own. Some people like to do both poly and group sex. Some only want casual group sex, no poly. Some want only poly, no group sex. Group sex requires all people consenting. It is not foisted on anyone, like people doing something to someone else.

But I realized that I don't mind when we don't things the three of us, but when it's just the two of them, it makes me uncomfortable, and I think I feel left out.

"I don't mind" is not "joyful yes" to me. It's not joyful, enthusiastic "HELL YEAH!" kind of consent. It is lukewarm, at best. Stop sharing group sex if you aren't into that. Again, it's not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Why pile on ALL the new things at once? That sounds stressful.

At this point I'm tired and close to calling everything quits.

I think you could be honest with both of them and say you do not want to have a triad and don't want to share group sex any more, that you have changed your mind about doing polyamory like this, all underprepared and undereducated. You'd prefer to go back to being friends with Blue, rather than you and Red dating her, before it's too late to walk it back.

Even if you and Red decide to try again, you could do some reading and educate yourselves. Also, decide to date SEPARATE people rather than both dating the SAME partner.

A triad is like three V's stacked up together. Why do that when it could be a poly N? That's only two V's and removes some of the harder dynamics in a triad, like everyone being everyone else's partner AND meta.

Pump the brakes before this gets to feeling worse. That is my suggestion to you.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

But I realized that I don't mind when we don't things the three of us, but when it's just the two of them, it makes me uncomfortable, and I think I feel left out.

That's monogamous programming hijacking your nervous system and is normal for people new to polyamory. Poly isn't as easy as being comfortable dating, loving and fucking others, it's also about being comfortable watching your partner date, love, and fuck others. This comfort takes a lot of work and personal growth. Did you know that poly required this emotional work? Are you willing to do the work? This means you will have to become comfortable with feeling discomfort for a while.

I told him that I'm not comfortable with it, and we agreed that, for the moment, we'd do the sexual things as the three of us together. But he's done the same thing again today,

Well, it's not good that he broke that agreement. He should not have agreed to it if he wasn't going to keep it. Did he really agree? Or did you tell him what you wanted and assumed he agreed? (Instituted a rule upon him.)

Also to be clear, personally I don't initiate anything with her unless he's there, as well, because it's something I wouldn't want to be done to me.

Again, you are assuming. It sounds like you are still stuck in a monogamous mindset of knowing how relationships work and making assumptions. When you change a relationship to poly, the old relationship ends. You aren't in that same relationship any more. You are building a brand new one that needs to be discussed and negotiated.

Do you initiate with Red without Blue around? Do you feel guilty that you are leaving her out? All three relationships are now new. To treat Red differently than Blue is couples privilege and is harmful to the triad.

As far as poly is concerned, a triad is poly on hard mode, because you are dealing with way more relationships-- seven in total. If you had a girlfriend, and he had a different girlfriend, and the relationships were parallel, then you'd only have two relationships each, more people but fewer relationships, easier to manage.

I recommend you do a lot of learning about poly before deciding if you are really ready to do the hard work involved.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

You know, Blue might be fine with a casual triad, where sex only happens with the three of you together, and Blue doesn't have one-on-one time with Red, particularly if it is an open triad, or even just a friends-with-benefits type arrangement, where "triad" only applies in the bedroom.

You'd need to talk to her about it, though, and see what her desires are when it comes to the two of you.

Of course, Red has to be fine with that limitation, as well.

Either way, you can't decide exactly what it will be without her input.

 

[Magdlyn]

Way back when I was 19, I was home from college and hooked up with one of my best (platonic) gfs and her newish bf. We went to a party, got drunk and high, and decided to have a threesome back at her place. We spent most of the night fucking. It was my first experience with a woman/gay stuff.

Anyway, in the morning, my gf had to go to work, and after she left, I initiated sex with her bf. I figured, we'd just had lots of sex together, so why not one more go? He did it with me, being a young horny dude, but he felt bad and told me not to tell her, because he assumed it was only okay if the sex was happening with all three of us there, and him doing it with me one-on-one would upset her.

I was pretty surprised! I don't get this "threesomes only with the unicorn" idea.

I think if you're going to have a triad, each dyad should definitely be able to have sex between just the two of them. It's not fair to your unicorn to only get to have sex with both of you at once. You and Red can have sex one-on-one. It's dehumanizing to Blue to only allow her to have sex as part of a threesome.

We have tons of threads here on this very topic. It happens again and again. I know it's hard to make the mind-switch to being okay with your partner having one-on-one sex with someone else, but that's polyamory! You need to have a degree of independence, learn to be okay with it, and even get to like it.

Please check out our list of resources to learn more about how polyamory works. There are articles, books, websites and a podcast listed.

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

 

[GalaGirl]

Anyway, in the morning, my gf had to go to work, and after she left, I initiated sex with her bf. I figured, we'd just had lots of sex together, so why not one more go? He did it with me, being a young horny dude, but he felt bad and told me not to tell her, because he assumed it was only okay if the sex was happening with all three of us there, and him doing it with me one-on-one would upset her.

Good example about assumptions. Sometimes one assumes one way, and the other assumes another, and then the third may think something else. But a group actually needs to talk it out, be CLEAR on what exactly is on the table for the encounter, and clarify when the encounter starts and when it is over, and what the actual agreements are, and where the limits are.

I think if you're going to have a triad, each dyad should definitely be able to have sex between just the two of them. It's not fair to your unicorn to only get to have sex with both of you at once. You and Red can have sex one-on-one. It's dehumanizing to Blue to only allow her to have sex as part of a threesome.

I agree. It is dehumanizing to treat someone like a living sex toy that only gets brought out to spice things up for the "original couple."

It's also dehumanizing to railroad people into group sex or relationship models that they don't really want.

Tread with caution, OP.

Consent for one encounter is not blanket consent.

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Talk to both Red and Blue. Please don't do things you really are not up to, or from fear of being left or or called a party pooper. Give clear consent, or do not consent.

Pump the brakes and get clear on what you each want here and figure out what aligns and what does not.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Good example about assumptions. Sometimes one assumes one way, and the other assumes another, and then the third may think something else. But a group actually needs to talk it out, be CLEAR on what exactly is on the table for the encounter, and clarify when the encounter starts and when it is over, and what the actual agreements are, and where the limits are.

My excuse was my gf and I were 19, and I think the guy was 20. We did not have fully-developed rational brains yet. We were being led by our genitals. We were inebriated and impulsive. (I admit I was really curious to be with a woman, and I loved it.) It was also a one-off, a summer peccadillo.

I agree. It is dehumanizing to treat someone like a living sex toy that only gets brought out to spice things up for the "original couple." It's also dehumanizing to railroad people into group sex or relationship models that they don't really want.

Tread with caution, OP. Consent for one encounter is not blanket consent. Talk to both Red and Blue. Please don't do things you really are not up to, or from fear of being left or or called a party pooper. Give clear consent, or do not consent. Pump the brakes and get clear on what you each want here and figure out what aligns and what does not.

Right. If you're all adults and not still in late puberty, like my friends and I were, there is no reason to just stumble along blindly, or be a martyr, when alarm bells are going off.

Know yourself. Take care of yourself. Advocate for yourself.

 

[Tinwen]

You cry. You're sick to your stomach.
That may be a level of emotions you can't deal with easily. Jealousy usually can be worked on, but I wonder at what intensity it's a self-destructive battle you would be leading here.
I don't say you can't be comfortable with your spouse having a sexual relationship with someone else ever. Your values may shift. If you're still in NRE with your partner, that's also a factor. Feelings may change.

But for now, it seems your body is telling you quite clearly that you don't want this. Act accordingly.

Find out if this situation still has a "let's go back to being friends" option.