Am I Polyamorous?

[MoonWitch]

Hello Everyone!

I’m a little confused. I am a female in a monogamous relationship with my husband of 7 years. Recently I have been developing feelings for someone else, and I unfortunately ended up cheating on my husband (nothing physical, more romantic). My husband found out and of course asked that I cut off all communication. I thought that I could do it. But I am sad all the time, and I can’t stop thinking about the other guy. I still love my husband and want to be with him.

What brought my husband and I together, 10 years ago, was our faith in God. I currently don’t have a relationship with God and don’t plan on having one. With that said, we were taught that monogamy was the only option.

Now that I’m older (32yo), I have been following poly couples and researching. One thing that comes up that I read is: “If you have had crushes simultaneously or multiple partners at once then you’re more than likely polyamorous." I think back and growing up, I had multiple crushes but was taught: “That’s not right, you need to pick one." Or I broke up with someone because I started to develop feelings for another. When I became sexually active I did have multiple sex partners at once (they knew), but never told anyone because it was engrained in me that “only easy women sleep around." Even when I met my husband I was dating someone else, but developed feelings for him while still liking my partner.

Am I polyamorous, or is that just an excuse for me to date someone else?

Thanks for any advice.

 

[ref2018]

Am I polyamorous or is that just an excuse for me to date someone else.??

Thanks for any advice.

I'm not sure what you mean by "excuse to date someone else" because polyamory usually does involve dating other people. It's a feature, not an excuse.

 

[Evie]

How would you feel if your husband was dating other people? Really, polyamory is just as much about how you feel about your partners having other relationships as it is whether or not you have them yourself. Sure, it's possible that you build a relationship configuration wherein you are the only one allowed to have multiple partners, but your current partner aka husband, might not want the double standard.

If you're going to go down the path of opening up your relationship, be prepared to lose it. It will absolutely change it, irrevocably, but you may have outgrown this relationship if you really want polyamory and he wants to remain monogamous.

 

[Bobbi]

Everyone can have feelings for more than one person. Mono people choose to not explore it. Poly people do. Like Evie said, how would you feel about your partner having multiple partners?

Polyamory isn't about feeling comfortable dating and loving others, it's being comfortable with your partner dating and loving others

 

[Magdlyn]

Everyone can have feelings for more than one person. Mono people choose to not explore it. Poly people do. Like Evie said, how would you feel about your partner having multiple partners?

Polyamory isn't about feeling comfortable dating and loving others, it's being comfortable with your partner dating and loving others

Well. let's be real-- it's about both haha

Some people are more comfortable having their partners date others, while they don't feel particularly motivated to do so themselves. My female partner's OSO, for example, has every right to date others, but in their 10 year relationship, he just never has. He's introverted and just doesn't need the extra socialization. In fact, I think he likes that Pixi has me, so he has more "me-time" in the course of the week, when she's at the house I share with her. But I still wouldn't call him monogamous.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings MoonWitch,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You sound like you may be polyamorous. What you need to figure out is a) are you able to be in love with more than one person at one time, and b) are you okay with your husband being in love with more than one person at one time?

Thoughts to consider,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[MoonWitch]

How would you feel if your husband was dating other people? Really, polyamory is just as much about how you feel about your partners having other relationships as it is whether or not you have them yourself. Sure, it's possible that you build a relationship configuration wherein you are the only one allowed to have multiple partners, but your current partner aka husband, might not want the double standard.

If you're going to go down the path of opening up your relationship, be prepared to lose it. It will absolutely change it, irrevocably, but you may have outgrown this relationship if you really want polyamory and he wants to remain monogamous.

I want to think I would be okay if he wanted another partner but that has never come up and he would NEVER consider that. I know I can’t fulfill all of his needs, especially sexually and I feel bad that I don’t. I want him to be satisfied and get the most out of life, if that means with someone else then I think that would be okay with me.

We have never discussed something like this before, it’s a very new and scary territory for us because like you said we might lose our relationship.

 

[MoonWitch]

Everyone can have feelings for more than one person. Mono people choose to not explore it. Poly people do. Like Evie said, how would you feel about your partner having multiple partners?

Polyamory isn't about feeling comfortable dating and loving others, it's being comfortable with your partner dating and loving others

I think I would be okay with him dating someone else but that has never come up and he would NEVER consider that. I know I can’t fulfill all of his needs, especially sexually, I feel bad that I don’t. I want him to be satisfied and get the most out of life and if that means with another partner, then I think that would be okay with me.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think I would be okay with him dating someone else, but that has never come up, and he would NEVER consider that.

I think you could bring it up, just to be sure. My ex-h was raised very Christian and he LIED to me for decades about his attraction to other women. He knew I got crushes on others, and he was trying to set an example of fidelity. That sure backfired. I ended up feeling so evil, in contrast to his supposed purity.

I know I can’t fulfill all of his needs, especially sexually, I feel bad that I don’t. I want him to be satisfied and get the most out of life and if that means with another partner, then I think that would be okay with me.

So you don't meet all your husband's sexual needs, but you want another boyfriend? Is the new guy less sexual, or do you want to have sex with him more because he is the New and Shiny?

 

[MoonWitch]

I think you could bring it up, just to be sure. My ex-h was raised very Christian and he LIED to me for decades about his attraction to other women. He knew I got crushes on others, and he was trying to set an example of fidelity. That sure backfired. I ended up feeling so evil, in contrast to his supposed purity.

So you don't meet all your husband's sexual needs, but you want another boyfriend? Is the new guy less sexual, or do you want to have sex with him more because he is the New and Shiny?

We’ve talked about it the past few weeks and he said would not consider that. We’re setting up an appointment with a therapist soon to help us figure where we go from here.

The new guy is a lot less sexual, and A LOT older than me; it’s more romantic and emotional.