Am I really poly?

S

spotthezebra

New member
Sorry this turned out to be really long.

So I've identified as poly for a long time, and had lots of experience with dating people with multiple partners, dating couples and so on, and I'm a pro at maintaining my jealousy and communicating when I can't. I'm really good at that whole part of poly so I always figured I was.

Also, I was never that interested in monogamy. I've had one monogamous relationship (with a very clingy, dependent person who made me really unhappy), and when I finally got out of it, I was so happy to feel free that I just casually dated without committing to anyone. So when I found polyamory, it was perfect. I identify with solo polyamory because I love the idea of putting myself first. I need a lot of time to myself or with my friends and I don't like making other people that hierarchical.

So here's the dilemma now. For the first time, I've started dating multiple people. I was initially seeing one guy who I'll call T. I met him in October, and connect with him as soon as I met him. Ask me why I like him and I can't answer, but he's the first person I can honestly say I've loved and I feel it full impact whenever I'm around him.

He went traveling for 6 weeks this summer, and towards the end of his trip, I started seeing another guy (I'll call him R) who I've also really connected with. I've been filled with NRE towards him. R doesn't already identify as poly, but he knows I do and that T is in the picture. I really hope it works out with him though because I really like him.

When it was time for T to come back, I wasn't that excited. I blamed it on the fact that I feel love towards him when I'm around him, and since it had been so long, I probably just forgot what that was like. When he got back and we hung out the first few times, we had a really good time, talking and reconnecting mostly.

A few days ago, I had a really fun date with R. We talked and had great sex and everything was awesome. When it was over, I was so excited to see T the next day and reconnect with him. I felt alive and was like "Yes! This is what it is to be polyamorous!" T and I have a lot of mutual friends, and we all got together. But when it was over and he was walking me to my car, all the little things about him that kind of annoy me were really annoying me. I didn't want to be around him one-on-one. I hung out with him again the next day, and the shit hit the fan. One of the things I really don't like about him is how he sometimes he plays video games while I'm there with him. He was doing that and I didn't even feel like communicating that I was feeling neglected. I was just feeling sour, bitter and I wanted to be angry. I ended up leaving a half hour in.

Am I falling out of love with T because things are going so well with R? Can I only love one person at a time? Or is this just the natural ending to a relationship, and I'm still totally capable of loving more than one person? I know you guys don't really know me, but please give me advice and let me know what you think.

I'm going to give it time with T to see if this is just a temporary thing and I'm being moody or something. But I'm really scared it won't.
 
Sometimes, you might meet someone who highlights the flaws in an existing relationship. That doesn't mean you aren't poly.
 
What you're describing sounds classic and what happens in the vast majority of relationships, AKA monogamous feelings. Monogamous love is a real thing, not just socially instilled behavior, even though we poly folks sometimes forget that. We often have discussions here whether poly is "hard wired" like homosexuality or whether it's a choice. There is no definitive answer, but one thing's for sure: it really doesn't matter. There is no poly club from which you risk getting kicked out if you find yourself knee deep in monogamous feelings. Understandably, your self image is a bit shaken up, but otherwise, there's nothing earth shattering going on here. The beauty of living in the 21st Century in the Western World is that we all enjoy freedoms that our forebears could only dream about. To my mind, being poly means that you are open to romantically loving more than one person at a time, not that you have to.
 
FallenAngelina said:
To my mind, being poly means that you are open to romantically loving more than one person at a time, not that you have to.
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This. I'm open to it... and have done it with my partner Blue & our ex partner, Snow who I loved.... And, during my marriage when I had an emotional affair with another man but still loved my husband (ex now.) But, I'm realizing it's not my default setting, it's very much dependent on the individual person for me. I've tried casually dating a few times since Blue & I started dating and it doesn't work. I so I've quit trying (yet again, lol.) I am open to meeting someone but not actively pursuing it. I think for me, adding a second partner requires friendship first and the romantic feelings will follow if it's the right person. Don't know if that makes sense?

Also, on T, it could also just be that the NRE is waning. During that NRE period, I tend to gloss over the flaws. When the NRE starts wearing off, the flaws and incompatibilities become so much more noticeable. If the relationship is otherwise good, and we really are compatible, then things will even out. OTOH, if we're not really compatible or NRE or lust was clouding my brain and the person's really a jerk, then everything grates on my nerves.
 
Am I falling out of love with T because things are going so well with R?
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It does not have to connect.

Could be that the NRE with T is simply fading. All on its own. Nothing to do with R.

Could be possible you are poly but want to date less people. Just because you are capable of loving more than one, doesn't mean you always have the inclination or energy to be doing it. Polysaturated for the resources at hand. (time, energy, etc.)

Galagirl
 
FallenAngelina said:
To my mind, being poly means that you are open to romantically loving more than one person at a time, not that you have to.
Click to expand...

Oh, I like this! It solidifies very succinctly what my wife and I think and feel. We are open to it, but don't have to have it, and we don't have to actively pursue it unless we want to at the time. We (either or both) may find it - and have - but it isn't a tragedy if we don't.
 
Hi spotthezebra,

I am inclined to think that most of us are a little bit monogamous, and a little bit polyamorous. Not 100% of either. It's like a slider and perhaps you're mostly on the poly side, but not completely. Does that make sense?

You've been with T since October so it's actually been long enough for NRE to start to dwindle. Now you must decide whether to keep seeing him without the NRE, and whatever he does that's annoying, you should communicate with him about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Zebra,

I understand where you are coming from - I think many (most? all?) of us have had these thoughts at some point.

My main partner insists that she doesn't compare her partners, but I don't believe that it's possible not to make a single comparison of any kind between people we interact with. I don't think that any of my partners at any given time are 'better' than any other, but I can tell you that I definitely notice their individual traits, what I do like about each one, what I don't like about each one, and the strength of our chemistry/compatibility/connection.

It's entirely possible that you are poly, but that you are simply more into R than you are into T. It could be that the relationship with R is newer and feeling more intense right now. It could be that you are learning for the first time what it feels to be in love with someone and then also be falling for someone else. It's not always an easy period, particularly if things are getting stale or irritating in the existing relationship. It could also very likely be that you got used to him not being around for 6 weeks. Perhaps part of you wanted a little longer on your own to do your thing. Perhaps part of you resented him coming back, because you thought it might cramp your style or burst your bubble with R.

The fact that your time with T began to irritate you after your date with R does indicate to me that something deeper might be going on, but it might not necessarily have anything to do with love. It truly might be more about you trying to figure out how loving two people works in reality, or about you wanting to do your own thing, or about something else. Perhaps give those angles some thought?

Another thing I've found is that, at least for me, love almost comes and goes on a cycle. I can feel solid love for a partner most of the time, a sudden surge of NRE-style love for the same partner periodically (often when they've been extra supportive, extra attentive, or I've had a date with someone else), or I can feel like I'm falling out of love for a moment. It goes up and down for me. In the latter case, this tends to happen when that partner isn't being very attentive or when that partner is being very negative or selfish. If I'm also involved with someone else who I'm having an amazing time with (and they seem to be more attentive and caring), of course there's going to be a significant contrast between the two. Just speaking from a personal perspective, I've found that I come to expect this as being pretty normal and I just wait for it to pass.

As for your questions...

Honestly? I think that you won't ever know that you can love two people at the same time unless it happens. You could spend your entire life being pro-poly but still never feel love for two people at once, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't identify as poly.
 
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